Country Song

My man left me for a coffee and never came back
He said all he needed was some caffeine
He left about a year ago and didn’t even pack
It was our last sunrise in the final scene

He loaded the rifle and said no goodbyes to me
He then drove away in my new truck
He said he was gonna fire off some amo you see
I didn’t realize I was the sitting duck

My man said I was just too much to handle
Especially after they said ” “last call”
His love was just like a wick-less candle
Pretty to look at but not useful at all

My man wasn’t man enough to fill his boots
Even though He thought he was better than me
He made love as good as he shoots
He missed his target then shouted obscenities

I used to hate my man for leaving me alone
Then I saw the error of my ways
I know longer worry about if he roams
Because my aim is better than his any day

Alone! Alone, alone, all alone

I’ve been very alone since the new year started.  I know it’s a trend in my life because I am so often times unbelievably busy the first quarter of the year and I tend to loose sight of what’s going on with those around me.   But, I am now coming out from the death grip that work has had on me and I’m looking around and no one is here. All of my friends have partnered up with someone And they seem to be just not that available.  

Normally, in the past this feeing of being alone has frietened me into a panic stricken state of worry and wondering, “oh my god is this loneliness!  What if I become lonely? What if I remain all alone!?”  And yet this year I am not upset at all.  I realize that loneliness is a state of mind not a state of being.  I realize that I love my alone time. I love even more not having to work while I’m having my alone time. I don’t fear the length of time between visits with friends and lovers. I am just as excited to lay on my bed sideways and play solitaire as I am To go have dinner with a friend.

The only thing I tend to worry about now with regards to my being alone; is, what if I become so used to being alone I can’t at some point handle someone else in my space?  I don’t want to become one of those woman who are so set in their ways that they can’t budge just a bit to accommodate someone else. I know these are premature fears for me to have; as I have only truly been single a few years. For me to worry about such things is a futile waste of my time and harmful to this body I’m in. Why stress about something now when it may cause me stress again later?  Why not just deal with that when And if I need to?  

Just another self-perspective evening in LoLa-Land

Brawny Man

I went out last night with a man I’ve been dating. He wanted to take me to meet his friends at Trivia night (which I am horrible at Trivia by the way).  I of course was dreading the trivia but fully enjoying the idea of meeting his friends.  The Brawny man ( I call him the Brawny Man because he looks just like the papaertowel guy) and I have been dating since mid December and had already hit a few rough patches.  We both have amazingly complex schedules, that never seem to align very easily.  Last night was the first time I had been able to spend any quality time with him since two weeks prior.  I was excited just to be able to see him. 

Last night,walked in to the bar and he immediately introduces me to the hostess for the evening and says to her, ” Claire this is Rah… I mean LoLa”. They both laughed and I was irritated. “Apparently, he’s getting me mixed up with his other girl” I said to Claire and then her and I giggled.  For some reason Brawny Man didn’t find it funny. 

So, we’re sitting at trivia hanging with his crew. A bunch of young good looking dudes all in their mid 20’s just taking off in life and Brawny Man is 47; myself, a whopping 43. I was having a great time being surrounded by all the smart, young, sexy guys in the room, feeling much like a mother Hubbard. Then one of them mentioned that it had been a month since they had played. They all concurred with him and patted themselves on the back to show in their manly way they missed each other; brawny man included.  All the while I stood there wondering where the fuck Brawny Man had been if he hadn’t been at Trivia the last four Thursday’s? Because, that is where he told me he was.

I laid low and said nothing. I know enough from my life lessons to check my facts before I freak.  We stopped to get gas on the way home and while he pumped I checked my text history with him and sure enough last Thursday he was going to Trivia and then coming to my house at 9. He showed up at my house At 10:30 but not before texting me that his group came in fifth place. All I was thinking was  “dude, he straight up lied to me”!  As I sat there burning up from the inside. 

He got back in the car and I say, “who did you play trivia with last week if they were all gone?” 

“I didn’t play Trivia last week” he replied

“Yes you did” I insisted 

“No” He insisted as well

“Then what did you do?” I asked him

“I don’t know why?” He asked me

Irritated at his avoidance “you told me you were at Trivia”. 

“No” he answered 

“Mmmmm yeah!  you said you were going to trivia and that you guys came in fifth and you were sitting around talking and that’s why you were so late coming over.”  I reiterated the text I had just reread.  

“Honestly, I don’t remember what I did sorry” was all he gave me. 

I was so pissed instead of asking him to spend the night I told him to drop me at my front gate.  I didn’t even want him to enter my complex. He drove away before I was even safe inside the gate which I felt was very ungentlemanly.  (A man should always make sure a woman is safe before he drives away, no matter how angry he may be) 

Later he told me he wasn’t going to make up excuses about something he doesn’t remember. That he probably went to a movie and dinner for some alone time because I was such a drain on his time off.  This message only further enraged me as I had seen him for all of four hours all of last week. The week before I saw him only two night, this week I was supposed to see him two nights.  Next week we only had two nights available as well. How on earth is that me taking up his time?.  Most woman I know expect a daily visit from their men and honestly aren’t we supposed to want to be with each other?

I was so mad all I could say or think were a bunch of rude snarky comments so I said, ” you lied last week about what you were doing even though you knew I was unavailable. Why would you even need to lie about going to a movie if you knew I couldn’t impose on precious alone time? This just doesn’t make any sense? Which tells me you’re lying again”.

In my gut I know there is something amiss here.   I don’t know if he’s with another woman or not; but, he is hiding something and I don’t have the care or energy to figure out what that may be. It’s obvious, He is just not the right man for me. 

Just Another Failed Relationship In LoLa – Land.  

Your Path

I’m taking this journey alone
Because it is mine and mine alone to take
It is a personal persuit for each has their own
Yours is not the choice I might make

I’m following my own voice to my needs
It may effect you but it’s not about you
You can keep on with your begging and pleads
I will still forge ahead and do what I want to do

Maybe the best thing for you is focus
On you, instead someone else or me
Clarity in the end may be your bonus
As your intentions towards self, help you see

As much as I’d love to have you join in
Stand beside me onthis weary path I’ve chosen
There can only be one on a path of self wisdom
For my search of knowledge; to you, may already be known

Christmas With Martha

I have a friend (we will call her Martha) who is just like Martha Stewart (of course besides the prison time). My friend is maybe not the best chef in the world but she’s the best damn hostess you will ever meet and excels in decorating. This is why I call her Martha. 

Now at Christmas time last year (a week or three ago) she invited all of main girls over to her house with our families to string popcorn.  Now, you know me, I am always down for something new and I have never strung popcorn before.  

I went to the gathering with one other single childless woman and we along with two other woman who came with munchkins started stringing popcorn around a kitchen table.  The munchkins had long since given up. They were gone At the first sign of tears and blood which for some was their first attempt at piercing the poppedcorn with a needle; the kids were over it. 

For us ladies it was like a sewing circle but with corn instead of material.  It was actually quite difficult to string popcorn. You have to have just the right piece to make it work.  Or It breaks in your hand or your pierce your finger with the needle. It kind of sucked but I did it!! I strung about 6 feet of corn on to string and then turned to Martha and said  “here you go honey! Put it on your treel!” 

She was horrified! Now what I failed to mention earlier when I said she was like Martha, was just how into this shit she is.  When I walked into her home I was greeted instantly with a winter wonder land. I could see garland upon Garland strung from every handrail. The scent of cinnamon filled the air. Wreaths hung in every corner and a tree in every room.  Each tree in every room had prizes and ornaments that were color coordinated and it was all in some sort of Christmas fashion. There was the silver and blue room. There was the brown and gold room. And there was the red, gold and green room. 

So imagine her absolute horror when I asked her to add my ugly homemade popcorn strand to one of her meticulously adorned trees?! (It was fricken hysterical!)

“Well honey I figured you all could take them home with you and put them on your trees” she replied through gritted teeth. 

I knew that she would of course say something to this effect so I was already with a quick comeback that would throw her a huge curveball. “Now Martha, you have been so kind as to invite us over and make all this poppedcorn and purchased these evil blood sucking needles and thread; and You have three trees, let us decorate them with our love and blood. It’s the least we can do”. I say with a huge smile. 

The whole room goes silent and mind you there were close to 20 people in the room.  Both her college age children who grew up with her OCD tendencies and everyone else  were waiting on baited breath to see what her response would be.  

Our other friends started to chime in, “yeah Martha they will just get crunched in our purse’s on the way home”. Or my other single friend said, “I don’t even have a tree”!  

Which of course lead me to “what’s Tracy supposed to do with hers if she’s got no tree”( suddenly I was Greek)?

Martha stood there in the room frozen. I knew she was facing her worst nightmare      . It was the struggle between her OCD habits and not wanting anyone to come close to her perfect trees; Yet, also wanting to be the perfect hostess. 

” ok ok ” she yielded and I am sure it almost killed her to even say that. ” you can leave it here and I will add it to the tree”. 

“Oh no you won’t Martha! I know you” I protested. 

Her kids finally started in on her  too,” come on mom!  Let them put it on the tree”! Martha looked at their excited Eyes and then looked at me for Mercy and I mouthed “let it go” and gave her a huge smile. 

“Fine hang them up! I don’t care!”she said sadly. Acting as if she never really minded. So her girls took it upon themselves to make it looks as bad as possible and even making it into a happy face on the front of the tree. It was pretty funny we all got a great laugh. Martha looked sick to her stomach. 

I said to her man “I want a text from you when she takes it down.  I suspect it will be ten minutes after I leave”.  

She called me two days later and left me a message on my voicemail,” hey LoLa I just wanted to let you know your god awedul popcorn strand is still on my fucking tree!” And hung up. I laughed so hard. I love her. 

Just some more fun times in LoLa land 

Beating Him To The Punch

I didn’t want to go around and around again with you
It’s a certain weird kind of drama I think you get off on
It doesn’t matter what I say or if my feelings are pure
You have the same conversation multiple times until I’m wrong

In your eyes

You pushed a nerve in me as You knew you would
Standing me up yet again for that particulal woman
It’s never about would or could with you, but if you should
Not dying alone is worse then experiencing your freedom

In closed eyes 

As soon as you said you weren’t coming I knew
You probably reached for her right away
You get scared, you run to an ex, it’s what you do
But, her agenda will make yours sway

In my eyes

I am just beating you to the punch by being gone
It was only a matter of time before she squashed us
I just don’t need the drama that you got going on
I’m hope you can figure out how to be alone and to trust

In anyone’s eyes

Christmas In September

The tree is decorated with red bulbs
The presents have all been wrapped
All he wanted were some new golf clubs
She, the black Louis Vuitton’s with the strap

Garland adorns all the Windows and shelves
The smell of cinnamon sticks invades your nose
As your feet get trampled by dogs dressed as elves
The sound of off-pitch Carolers grows

It’s that time of year again where families come together
Suicide rates rise and depression is at an all time high
It the season of being in your car for what feels like forever
Damn the storm the family will be mad if you don’t make the drive

Tis the season to be surrounded by sweets
As if your temptations are not already spread thin
Spending hours at the mall On your feet
Trying not to buy more for you then you do for them

It’s the season for giving again
Your credit card just recovered from last year
Will this show of gluttony ever end
Have we all forgotten what we should hold dear?

Of course this season used to start in December
With the stores sporting all its Christmas goods
Now the hysteria is starting in September
So we can all spend more money then we should

I Didn’t Vote…

I voted this last election in November
I voted for the lesser of two evils
Voting meant more then I can ever remember
It was Volatile our country is still in upheaval

I didn’t vote for the person I liked
Because I didn’t like either candidate
I voted for one at the others despite
Refusing to support someone who initiates hate

I didn’t vote for a leader with honorable traits
There was no such leader for which to choose
I already thought this country was great
Now I fear all that greatness we will lose

I didn’t vote for the man I thought was a racist
I don’t want to surround my country with a wall at all
He reminds me a lot of a Hitler in some facets
Will we gather up the Mexicans to stand against the wall

I didn’t vote for the person I think is a sexist demigod
Will your daughters end up with any rights
They waned to impeach Mr Clinton for getting a blow Job
Yet this guy thinks woman are meant to please a man’s sexual appetite

I didn’t vote for the kind of change I fear is coming
A step backwards in all things morally correct
I fear that this mans values are what Americas becoming
So very much worse then a political forum that’s corrupt

Listening To My Gut 

I had a date with a man today that I was actually quite excited to meet.  We met online a week ago and we have been talking or rather texting this whole time. All of it has been good stuff. I found him to be charming, insightful, honest and polite. There were some negatives (as there always are) but the positives seemed to way out weigh the negatives about him. 

I thought we had made plans to meet in my town (which is about an hour away from his, one of the negatives) at noon.  We had talked a few times about how excited we were to meet one another. And yet I texted him at eleven this morning to see if he was on his way and he had no idea what I was talking about. He said when we had made the plans he was drunk and didn’t remember them. Yet, we had spoken several times since then and not once had he suggested a different time to meet up and even confirmed  seeing me today. 

Though he was sincerely apologetic, when I got off the phone with him, even  knowing he would be there to see me (just a few hours later then expected) I was irritated. And I wondered if my irritation was just some over exaggerated-female Anxt or if I had a true reason to be irritated. I was paused from any forward movement to get ready as I laid on my bed in deep contemplation about whether I should even go out with him or not. Why would I want to meet someone after they’ve pissed me  off? Won’t that only be setting them up for failure? I mean I would be walking into the date with a chip on my shoulder. Then he called…

“Hey, do you think we could reschedule to another day. It’s such a long drive and I have a lot of stuff to do still? Would that be ok?” He asked. 

Now anyone who knows me, knows I hate to be cancelled on; I think it is so disrespectful. So, I said, ” that’s fine.  I was actually thinking about calling you and cancelling myself. But, I don’t think we should reschedule”. 

“What? Why?” He asked. 

“I just don’t feel like meeting me is your priority. And being that this is the first date and your cancelling that doesn’t bow well for us” I replied. 

“But this is the first time we could see each other” he protested. 

“Yes I know!” I was polite yet firm, but I went on, “it strikes me as odd that you were cool with seeing me today and yet you apparently (since he couldn’t remember out plans) couldn’t even be bothered to set up a time to meet me. Not to mention knowing you would see me today why did you not do what I did and, make sure all of your stuff that you have to do was done before today?”  

There was a silence on his end, so I went on, “It just seems to me that if you were really interested in seeing me you would make an effort of some sort and you haven’t at all.  I’m looking for a man who wants to make an effort to see me or feels like it’s no effort at all. It’s just what he wants.” 

After another silence he said, ” wow. Ok then. I’m sorry. Goodbye”. 

I said goodbye aswell and we both calmly hung up. What stuck me enough to write about all of this is how proud I am for listening to my feelings. Knowing what didn’t few right to me inside and sticking to my guns enough to make myself feel better. If I had pretend to have been ok with a new date and rescheduled, I would have been so mad and it and at myself for letting him treat me like that. It would probably have Ben cancelled too. I just feel that if a man is into you he will make an effort.  It’s just time for a better class of men in my life and I’m not taking seconds or being anyone’s after thought anymore.  

Just another growth day in LoLa-Land 

Thankful Project 

This Thanksgiving I am once again thankful for my friends and family.  I fully acknowledge how valuable they are to my life and without them I would be so depressed and lost. Once again this year I am thankful my best friend Crystal. She was knocking on deaths door last year at this time but she is still alive and kicking (actually she’s doing great). I jumped on a plane to see her last year because I was so scared she would die. She was so thankful that I went to such lengths to see her and I still feel as I did then, that I would do if all again in a heartbeat; if she needed me. No thanks needed because I love her. B 

This year there is no need for me to worry about a loved one, thank goddess. But, I feel this need to do something nice for someone else.  Something that they don’t or would never expect.  Someone I may not even know. For example, Last night I was pulling a grocery cart from the long stream of carts and when I turned with my cart to walk into the store; I noticed the elderly woman waiting for me to move. She looked so weak and she was so small. I had to give the cart quite a pull to release it from the rest of them.  It occurred to me that act might be a tough job for her.  So, I gave her my cart. She was shocked and thanked me A few times. It cost me nothing but a few seconds and a little bit more energy.  It was just a simple act for me and yet for her it could have meant a night free from a sore shoulder or back. 

This all got me thinking that I wanted to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to you all.  I hope everyone finds at least one if not all of the following to happen to them today.  I hope you all get to spend some quality time with people you love.  I hope you all get to experience some kind of delightful meal whatever that meal is for you. I hope you all able to acknowledge something you’re thankful for in your life. Mostly, I hope you all come up with a plan to do something for someone you don’t know that they can be thankful for.  

I’m throwing down the gauntlet right now. I’m asking each of you, if you are willing to participate?  Wether it be for a day or for one month (or longer), I want you all to try and do one nice act for someone you either know of don’t know that will make them feel thankful for you.  These don’t have to be monetary things or even a physical act of any kind, it can be verbal. Just saying something to someone that will bring them a little more joy to their day is all I ask of you. Go big or go small, it doesn’t matter, just do something.

Then spread the word. Tell people you are doing the “Thankful Project” and that all you have to do is one unexpected kind thing a day for someone else and that you then you have to tell someone. That way you are owning and taking pride in your thankful act. Because no matter how small it may be you should feel good for just even trying to bring more joy to someone else. Tell me if you want to, I would love to hear your stories. It will just bring me more joy to know others are happier. 

If the people you tell about the “thankful Project” want to join tell them they can at anytime for as long as they want. It can be one day or forever.  We do not discriminate and accept all who want to do it.  I know this is not a new concept but What I am asking you all is to make it an active thought each day until it is accomplished. I am vowing to start for one month. From now until Christmas i want to do one nice thing a day for someone else. My hope is I will want to just keep it going even after the month is up.  My hope is it will spread like wild fire and start to consume us all in joy and thanks. Right now I think we can all use some. 

Ok who’s in?

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan