The Doctor Visit

I don’t like to go to the doctor, I mean really who does.   I don’t know why, but whenever I go to ANY kind of doctor I get really nervous.  Like a giddy school girl, nervous.  Heaven help me if there is ever a really good-looking doctor that I need to see, I would probably start stuttering.   But, as it is my doctor is a woman (thank god) and so I need not stutter.  This still does not stop me from making a complete ass out of myself when visiting her.  Today I went to see her because I am sick and my Insurance runs our at 12:59 this evening.  
I tell my doctor, “I am sick and I think someone stuck a sock in my ear because I can’t hear a thing out  of it.” 
She looks in my ear and says, “You have gestational tube disorder.” 
To which I reply, “Is that like an eating disorder?  Is it worse than a  Fallopian tube disorder?”  She didn’t seem amused. 
“You have fluid in your ears, it should take 3 to 4 weeks to clear back up.”  she replies dryly. 
” Not a sock?  Where did the sock go?”  I ask.  Irritated, she just looks at me again, and prescribes a nasal spray. 
“anything else?” she asks. 
“Um yeah, I have this lump in my arm pit that won’t go away.”  I take my shirt off and show her my pit.  She feels around and says,
“Yes your arm pit has a small skin irritation probably from shaving.  Best thing to do is to just not shave for a 3 or 4  weeks and it will clear up.”  All I can think, is that there is NO way I am going to not shave my pits for 3 to 4 weeks.  Hell, I have a  small bush growing in there if i just take 3 to 4 days off.  I don’t think I  care about the lump enough to go 3 or 4 weeks without shaving. 
“So what are you saying doc?  Has my sock moved into my arm pit?”  She just stares at me confused.  “Hey doc, is there anyway you could cure any of my symptoms in like a day?” 
She picks up her paperwork and leaves. 
“Was it something I said?”

I am a Accident waiting to happen.

If you don’t know me you can’t be sure that this statement is true, that I am in fact a walking accident waiting to happen. So, here are 20 reasons proving my statement.
1- I was almost run over by a dump truck once. Not Kidding, I was driving on a 2 lane road and the truck stopped in front of me and then I stopped behind it. Then the driver stuck the truck in reverse and backed over the top of my Saturn. He didn’t stop until his tires were coming up on to my hood and his tailgate was starting to bust my windows. I saw my life pass before my eyes and just like I said in my post ” not good in a crises” I couldn’t move even as the truck was backing over my feet.  I just sat there frozen and screaming.
2- I once hit a deer going 80 MPH on the freeway. At 1:30 in the morning in the middle of the city driving in the fast lane. I knocked the crap right out of him. I had deer poop all down the side of my car and a piece of tail stuck to my door.
3- I have fallen butt first into a prickel bush, with no pants on. This one hurt so bad and yet it was so funny at the same time. My boyfriend had to sit and pull each needle out of my butt cheek.  I am not sure it was  a bad job for him.
4- I have passed out in the shower from an infection on my knee. I woke up to my dad busting into the bathroom trying to find out what the big BOOM was. That required a ER visit with a SOS type Sponge being used on my knee and a tetnes shot.
5- While playing as a kid, on a brick wall that was 3 feet on one side and 6 feet on the other side of the wall. Which side of the wall do you think I fell down? Yep, the 6 foot side.  That was a bloody traumatic experience for my brother. He ran up and down the street screaming, “my sisters dead, my sisters dead!”
6- I once had to get stitches in my leg because I let go of the bike I was straddling and the spikes on the pedal went through my ankle.
7- My first car accident was when I was 16 and some guy decided to pass me on my left, as I was making a left turn.  He slammed right into my door.  Got out  and asked me if I was ok.  Then got back in his car and drove off. Asshole.
8- Last year I was driving through the construction area on our HWY, right where there were only cement blocks and nowhere to go but straight.  When I saw a weird wire thing in the road.  I saw it about 2 seconds before I hit it.  I had just long enough to realize I could not avoid hitting it before I did.  The woman in the car behind me backed way off and had a look of horror in her eye.  So, I pulled off the HWY as soon as I could, only to find that the rack had ripped a hole in my gas tank and gas was pouring from my car as the rack was being dragged underneath and I am sure making sparks.  .  NICE!
9- I was all dressed up at a cousin’s wedding, standing on the top of this beautiful mountain overlooking Tiburon.  Just standing there, until I FELL!  No reason for it at all.  One minute I was there, the next minute I was down.  
10- I was set on fire once.  My man was playing around with a lighter and pretended to  light my robe.  I laughed and turned to leave as he starts yelling, “your on fire, your on fire” and hitting me.  I had no idea what was going on until I turned to face him and  I looked down I saw flames coming around the center of my robe.  He patted them all out and now my robe looks brand new again. 
11- My first kid was 2 weeks over the due date, so they put me in the hospital to induce labor.  I laid there for 3 nights and 2 full days and nothing happened.  NOTHING!  they tried to send me home and after much debate I demanded a C-section.   Some of the doctors made me feel like I was giving up.  When the surgeon got in there they realized my baby was facing the wrong direction and the head was tilted to the side.  They said I never would have given birth naturally. ( of course it wouldn’t be easy for me)
12- Once in college, while partying illegally up on a local hilltop, A security guard busted my friends and I for being there.  He was going to either call the cops or issue us a situation for being  on private property.  When his car started creeping down the hill.  We all looked up to see lights coming straight at us.  The Security car slammed into Alex’s car.  Ripping the drives door which had been left open clear back the wrong direction.  The impact of these two cars hitting then knocked the security car back  a bit and it then proceeded to keep rolling down the hill in our direction.  We were trying to both stop the car from rolling and get out of its way.  When the car finally stopped the security driver was yelling and screaming that he was going to get fired.  Alex was on the ground on his face from loosing his balance trying to get into the moving car.  And my other friend and I were stuck in between the front of the security car and a small stone wall.  I was bruised and scratched but walked away. TG
13-I was at Bunko once, drunk as usual.  Standing outside in the night looking at the stars.  We were in the country so it was pitch black outside.  I picked up my drink had been sitting on the banister of this deck with several other glasses.  It wasn’t until after I had swallowed that I realized it was the water-glass the ladies were using as an ashtray that I was drinking out of.  BLAH!
14- The day after I was run over by the dump truck I went to Taco bell in my rental car and as I was walking up to the door I tripped over the curb and fractured my ankle.  I laid in a crying heap in the oil stained parking lot, my purse and all its contents spread out around me.  And 3 people walked over me to get go get their lunch.  WTF?
15-I walked into my living room with my kid in my arms.  So, I couldn’t see the tanka truck laying wait for me at my very next step.  That time I was able to save the kid from injury but I injured myself pretty good.
16- I have walked in to countless walls, people, objects and Polls.
17- I was 6 months pregnant with my second child and carrying my first when I stepped off another curb and feel onto gravel. pinning  my foot and ankle in between my car tire and the curb.  Again I saved the kid.  That time I hurt my back.
18- I was moving a daycare from one house to another when I bent over to pick up a 10 inch by 10 inch piece of wood, not heavy at all.  And I could not stand up.  I had to lay on the floor on my back with my legs up in the air like a dead armadillo and wait for the cortisone shot in my ass.
19- Like 6 of us waited FOREVER for our Pizza one night, we were all starving.  When they called our number I ran up and got them.  I think it was 1 large and a personal pizza.  And as I was walking back to the table I caught my foot on the rug and the pizza just went flying!  My mom looked like she might actually kill me. 
20- But my all time biggest walking accident that I have ever had, was when I was working on my AA.  I was running late for work when I got a call from my travel agent that I had not signed the check and I would lose my flights to VA if I did not come and sign it before they closed.  Knowing I would be at work until long after, that I rushed over to sign it and then dash to work.  I parked, jumped out of the car, slammed the door, ran up to the sidewalk and then what do you think I did?  Yep, I tripped over the curb!  But, I was cool this time, I had been there before, “There” being, falling.  I am damn pro at falling!  So, I get ready for the landing which I am also a pro at.  I stretch my arms out ahead of me, to hopefully catch myself and stop my fall. 
Then suddenly I am on my back and some man is picking me up and there is a crowd of people all around me.  My old boss who worked next door to the travel agent comes running into the crowd from somewhere, screaming to know if I was all right.  All I can think, “Is why is this guy being so rough with me?  Why the hell is he even touching me?  What the fuck is happening?”  They usher me into my old store and sit me down,  My boss puts and entire ice tray on my face and is pacing around looking for  a number to call my mom.  I am still wondering what is going on and why do I hurt EVERY WHERE! Apparently, I did not see the bike Poll in my vision as I was preparing for my landing.  So, my entire body weight hit this pole at full speed, with my face.  I was knocked out instantly.  My parents took me to the ER, where after several hours they determined that because I tripped over yet another curb I had given my self a concussion, a black eye, a twisted pelvic bone and a bruised tale bone. 
And this is my life.  Sometimes I think I should come with a warning sign.  Maybe yellow caution tape should be placed where ever I go.  By the way, the owner of the shopping center where I had this last fall, was so scared I would su him he painted all the curbs a BRIGHT GREEN!   LOL

First Love’s Fantasy

It hasn’t been long since I last saw you my love
Yet I lay awake at night with thoughts of you.
I fantasize about the things you might do to me.
Thoughts of you come
and I slip away,  back to your side.
Trusting and standing naked before you.
I have no intentions to leave.
I am at peace in your presence.
Gripping my feet as you always do
you tell me you’ve  been waiting for me too.
Slipping into your embrace
my defenses melt away.
insecurities take their leave and freedom is all I know.
You continue devouring me like I am your pray,
I  barely breathe as your caresses slowly move up from my ankles,
gliding your salty kisses over my thighs and around to the center of my body,
I am overcome with my own heat and gripped in pleasure
Euphoric and limp at the same time, I beg you to let me fall
Holding me long enough to tickle the soft curve above the back of my thigh.
Shuddering from the chill you send up my spine
I fall into your comforting embrace once more.
Devouring me, I become weightless, I float like a cloud in the sky and search for the heavens.
You reach for me once more,
And I surrender to you.
Only aware of us,
I sink into your hold on me and finally go to sleep.

By LoLa

Never Ending List of Random Questions

1- Did you know Barbie’s hips Spread? I am sure it is because of the twins her and Ken had. It’s sad really as hard as she tries she just cannot get her big booty into her pants I saved for her from the 70’s. Oh well, it’s not like bell bottoms are still in. At least she can still fit in her convertible corvette.

2 -I want to know, why, when people going 70 MPH on the HWY and they accidentally pass the exit they need to take. Why do they then slam on their brakes? You have already missed the exit! Do you really think braking will help? Is braking going to some how back up time? Change the situation some how? Here’s a concept, just get over, take the next exit.

3- Seriously, Where do all the missing socks go???

4- Does anyone else feel like they poop more than they eat?

5- I think if I could be any kind of ball, I would be a bowling ball. Because they get to slam into things just for the hell of it. When they do they usually take the item down and it’s pretty hard to destroy a bowling ball…. Isn’t it? How do you destroy a bowling ball?
6- What is the deal with the young guys who run around caring their skate board? Wouldn’t it be easier to just ride it, maybe even a little faster? Maybe it’s just for looks, like a purse or something?

7- Why is it that my dog is hell-bent on trying to eat all the flies and bees that zoom past his head? He actually caught a fly in his trap the other day and then set it free almost immediately. I have to imagine he didn’t like the feeling of the fly flying around in his mouth.

8- No one told me it was national pick your nose day!  I went for a walk and I must have seen 6 people picking their nose when they drove by. Which, really sucks because every time I saw someone digging for gold it made me only too aware of my own buggers. Are they hanging out? Hell, one was probably flung at me from a car and I wouldn’t even know it!

9- I remember when I was in Highschool I would get 8 to 10 hours of sleep every night. Now I average about 6. What is that? Woman have told me about this stuff for years. But, I never wanted to listen. Now I worry that the rest is true, boobs that drag, random hairs, luggage under my eyes, expanding waist, flat feet,… back pain….. No! La la la I don’t hear you.

10- why does everybody in this family take off their underwear and pants at the same time and chuck them in the laundry as a set? Guess who gets to separate every single set. I don’t even like touching my own dirty underwear, much less 3 other people’s. Maybe I should wash them as sets with lots of starch? I need to wash my hands just talking about it.

11-What is up with the stinky soaps? After washing my hands at Sutter the other day I almost gagged every time I brought my hands up to my face. It smelt like chemicals with vanilla scent, which made it only more chemically smelling. I was thinking that working in a cow pasture would make my hands smell better than this?

12- Why doesn’t the hair on your head always naturally match the hair in your pubic area?  I don’t understand how without treatment some people have so many different  types of hair on their bodies? 

14 – If our pets essentially resemble ourselves, what does it mean if all of your pets are narcotic?

15- Am I the only one out there who is scared of swings?

I stuff my bra

Most people may look at me and think, “she’s got big boobs”.   But, I am not sure that what they are looking at is really all me.  There are days when I look down and I freak out, because something is missing!  I start to panic and look all around, where is it, what is missing?  And then I realize that the only thing in my bra are my boobs.  This is always a huge surprise to me, because I usually use my bra as a second pocket.  I am always shoving whatever I have in my hands into my bra for safe keeping.  Sometimes I will come home and take that sling shot off and all sorts of crap will fall to the floor.  Cell phone, Money, Id, bottles etc.  pretty much anything will fit in there.  It’s a perfect place to store things when you have no hands left.  So, when there are those rare moments when I bend over and nothing falls out from under my shirt, I am sure I have lost something.  I wonder if this is why my bras all start fitting funny????

Not good in a crises

I am in utter aw of people who can successfully handle and repair a situation during a crises.  I have the most respect for Doctors, Fire persons, Armed Forces and random people who contain this strength.  This ability to keep your cool and not freak out, is in itself an accomplishment.  But, to then be able to direct a course of action that might change the crises in a positive way,  I find that extraordinary.  It is a talent, a skill that I don’t have.  There by making me even more impressed. 
I can recall 3 times when I was faced with some small crises, nothing like War or Hurricanes.  Just little incidents, once my ex boyfriend set the backyard on fire because he knocked over the Bar-B-Que.  I couldn’t move.  The fire was staring to spread and all I could think was “holly crap the back yard is on fire” There was a fire extinguisher next to my knee and I couldn’t even fathom what to do.  
Then one  time when I was 12, I was riding my bike up a busy road by my house.  When suddenly I heard a loud noise. And when I looked up, I saw a truck and a van slam into each other and then the van literally flew up in the air from the force of the impact and landed with a huge BOOM just to the left of me!  Then started rolling in my direction.  I just stood there frozen,  I couldn’t move.
When I was in college, I had a daycare kid choke on an ice-cube and even though I had taken CPR and First Aid like 5 times.  All I could do was just stand there,   I couldn’t move.  I am the bird who sees the storm cloud coming and even though all the other birdies have gone, I am still on the wire scared to death.  Not moving. 
So yes, I admire greatly the people in the world who have the ability to simply move in a crises.  But, to save someones life, or to direct people like me in such a way that keep us safe…  I thank you.  I would be lost without you.  Thank you!

For the birds

Instead of ranting about something in particular that’s bothering me, or writing some erotic poem, I thought I would just tell you about my day.  Today I went out to my absolute favorite place to be, the Ocean.  It was  foggy, overcast and cold out there , yet it was beautiful even still.  We laid out the sheet and pulled out our yummy lunches, a salad and a small sandwich and started to eat.  As we were eating these birds started hanging around us.  Making a half circle around our backs, like we were the prey. Waiting for us to drop something from our mouths.  So, they can pounce and nab it  before it hits the sand.  Suddenly this gray bird that looked close to a seagull was following a seagull all around us and chirping at it.  Over and Over again, “eeee   eeeee    eeeee    eeeee  eeeeee   eeeee”.  It made me think of my kids, I could hear them,  “Mommy, mommy, mommy” .   It was so annoying we decided to go for a walk.  Having finished our sandwiches we pack up the trash and I put my salad in a bag and in another bag and we left.

We walked for a good 45 minutes, down the coast, over the dunes to see where the river meets the ocean, over the broken down dock, and back down the beach to our sheet.  While we were walking we passed a small village of Seagulls and the grey birds.  And every time the kids would run towards  the birds, they would all take off and fly over us.  It was a spectacular sight to see.  But, then you think “Oh Shit”  literally.   When we got back to our sheet my Salad was in the sand, fork & napkin next to it. My friends bag of trash was GONE completely and her cigarettes which were in a box were strewn all about the sheet.  The damn birds had a field day with our stuff while we were gone.  They even played with my friends socks? 

At this point I had go pee really bad, so I kept walking back over the dunes to the bathrooms and come across two crows fighting.  Wing span’s outstretched at maximum length, biting and squawking at each other. I couldn’t imagine what would bring these two birds to such an angry dance.  I was sure it had to do with a girl.   All I kept thinking was, “all of this bird business makes me feel like we are just innocent visitors in the world of birds.  And we had better play it cool or it would be like something out of a Alfred Hitchcock movie.”

Minivan Discrimination

I hate driving a minivan, I really, really do.  In fact my license plate frame say’s,  “Minivan. I said I’d never buy one!”  and it’s true.  You can ask my sweetheart or any of my old friends from highschool or college and they will tell you that I said, “you will never catch me driving a minivan!”  And I probably would have stuck to that statement had I not tried to deal with getting an infant in and out of a 2 door car for a year, which is a miserable, back wrenching experience.  So, I caved, what can I say?  I’m nothing if not practical. 

But, now that I am a minivan driver and I think minivans  are the most discriminated vehicles on the road.  People always assume that I’m going to be listening to Romper Room on tape, yelling at my kids and swerving in my lane while driving 55 MPH on the HWY.  And there are times that some of this maybe true.  It’s usually in the morning when I am taking the kids to school.  But, the rest of the day,  the minivan is not the mommy-mobile that everyone assumes it is.  The rest of the day it’s a hard-hitting rap concert.   I will be cruising around listening to Eminem, Dr Dre, Black Eyed Peas, etc..  There is no care about my stereo being to loud.  I don’t have to quickly turn it down because Lil Kim is singing about all her conquests with Oral sex.  Hell I can even sing along, dirty words and all.  And I like to listen to this shit loud!  Really, really loud!  The windows will be bouncing in and out like someone is hitting them, and that is only because my so-called, “mommy-mobile” has some rocking surround sound!   It’s a concert in my car and no one else had front row seats but me.

Then there’s the whole, “Oh it’s a minivan driver, they’re gonna drive slow!”  UH, Hell to  the no!  I have never been a slow driver and I am insulted by the assumption that I am.  In fact my little piece of shit minivan has the same size engine and that your Big ass Chevy truck has.  Don’t tell me you haven’t had this thought when approaching a stop light with a minivan sitting at it; “Damn minivans, how can I get around that slow mom without killing the kids?”  I am here to say, Think again!  I will be driving just as fast as you, in fact I may even drive faster than you.  It’s always such a surprise for these blue-collar men who think they will be able to pass me with no issue at all.  Then when they see I am not going “Quietly into that good night” they step on the gas a bit harder to try to push out ahead.  But, what they don’t know is I already anticipated this shocked reaction and my engine is  revved up and jumping ahead!  Watching the truck disappear in my rear view mirror is the best revenge for these drivers discrimination.  And my favorite thing is to see the look of surprise come over the truck drivers face as I wave and leave them in my romper room, concert playing, Exhaust  filled  cloud of dust!

First Love’s Return

Your like an addiction to me
I can’t stop thinking about you.
I drove the miles to see you once again
and I would have driven miles more.
When at first I saw you, my heart stopped,
for the length of one beat it paused.
Just long enough for me to frighten at what was to come.
As I came near you, you reached out and tickled the back of my leg
And my breath escaped me once more.
I don’t know why your familiar greeting always shocks me so?
You weren’t angry or tormented at the sight of me this time.
You seemed delighted by my presence.
As if you were waiting for me to come.
You bound to me in the wind,
anxious to be close to me.
I closed my eyes waiting for your touch,
just as you lightly caressed my cheek.
Your closeness was torture and bless,
It invaded my senses and brought me to my knees.
You silently urged me to lay with you.
To mold my curves to yours.
and I  let you devour me with your touch.
You were soft and rough at the same time.
Your touch scratched my skin as we moved together,
Aware of nothing but you, and what you do to me.
I was totally secure in your embrace.
The heat of you burned through me and warmed me to my core.
I wanted to moan from the pleasure of it all.
You quietly took me to you and folded yourself over me.
I felt like a caterpillar being wrapped in a cocoon.
I longed for nothing more than to have you keep me like this.
Just keep touching me, don’t stop touching me.
It felt like minutes had passed.
But, before I knew it my time with you had vanished
and as it always does, it had to end.
My heart broke at the idea of us parting once more.
I don’t know if I will I make it untill I see you again?

By LoLa

Blondie Break

Blondie came on the radio while I was in the middle of work.  Of course causing me to have the only reaction I know how to have when a Blondie song starts to play.  I had to put my pencil down, stand up and start the dancing.  My living room was my stage and the dog was my audience.  I danced around the room, exactly the way you would when no one else  is watching you. The good news is I work from home. So, no body was watching me.   Had there actually been someone watching, I am sure I would have acted like I had just stubbed my toe and then I’d run away.  So, the  Blondie  work brake proceeded into a 5 song marathon dance and singing fest, where I was of course the headliner and  main attraction.  And you know that audience  loved me! They really, really loved me.

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan