“owner’s manual for your girlfriend”

I unearthed a manual I wrote for my college sweetheart the other day. I thought it might be fun to share it with all of you. I wrote this in 1993 during World History lecture.

Welcome to the owner’s manual for your “girlfriend”.  We hope that you are enjoying your  “Girlfriend”,  and hope that she is meeting all of your standards. As well as we hope that she is attending to all of your needs. We have tried through the years to obtain a better form of  “Girlfriend”.  Each year we survey the positive aspects and faults of our item, to see if there is anything that we might be able to due to further better our line of “girlfriends”.  And even though we know that our “Girlfriend” are the best of the line, we are aware that she may not be prefect.  So, as a result we would like to reflect on some of her downfalls and explain some of what you might be able to do, to better handle and understand your “Girlfriend”. This is a Guide to understanding your “Girlfriend” a little bit better if you’d like. Good luck!

1. If it appears that your “Girlfriend” is upset, ask her “What is wrong?” and even if she says, “nothing” pester her until she tell you, because that is what she really wants.

2. Always hug, kiss and touch your “Girlfriend” a lot. (she likes this) – But, don’t be clingy…

3. If it appears you “Girlfriend” took special care in her appearance, compliment her on how pretty she is.

4. if it looks like your “Girlfriend” is unhappy with her appearance, Lie and tell her how pretty she is.

5. Always pay close attention to every part and particle on your “Girlfriends” body.  Because if she changes something and you don’t notice or comment on how pretty she is, she will think that what ever she changed about herself is not to your liking and have hurt feelings.

6. Regarding rule #1 – If it appears that your “Girlfriend” is upset, ask her “What is wrong?” and even if she says, “nothing” pester her for an answer.  Stop, if she appears to become agitated, she will just become more angry if you don’t.  No worries, she will open up eventually.

7. Tell your “Girlfriend” how much you love her at least 30 times a day. (actually 5 is a good number)

8. If your  “Girlfriend” starts to cry, even if she is mad at you just hold her.  (she will like this and maybe stop being mad at you).

9. Never lie to your  “Girlfriend”!  We put radar detectors in them.   So, they know automatically when you  are lying and she will always be able to figure out what you’re lying about.  (beware for the bullshit radar)

10. Always know when your  “Girlfriend” is about to start her period or is on her period.  Be aware that her moods could change during this time from crying, to yelling, to laughing, to sitting moodless all in a matter if minutes.  (this all happens in a matter of minutes because your  “Girlfriend” is aware of just how difficult she is being.)

11. Be attentive to your  “Girlfriend” on all accounts.  Ask her questions regarding her life. (This makes her feel wanted)

12. Stare lovingly at your  “Girlfriend” about 80% of the time you are with her. (Really you could get away with looking at her longingly  just before sex)

13. When your  “Girlfriend” tells you something that might be bothering her, discuss it with her.  It does not matter if you agree or disagree.  (She needs to know where you stand)

14. Don’t show up late a lot or cancel plans that the two of you have together, because she may fear you don’t care for her.  And may not wait around to see if you show up.

15. If your  “Girlfriend” starts to questions your love for her or your relationship, do some loving thing that you might not normally do.  (this will diminish her fears)

16. Never question your  “Girlfriend”!  ( she is most likely right and if she is not, you don’t want to be the one to point it out to her)

17. If you upset your  “Girlfriend” make sure you stand at least a legs length away from her. (she can become very dangerous)

18. If your  “Girlfriend” becomes stressed out.  Be ready for some moodiness, and maybe offer her a message.

19. Shower your  “Girlfriend” in gifts and love.  Surprise her every now and then, with some small romantic sign of your love.  (she will make you happy too)

20. Most importantly, if your  “Girlfriend” is PMS’ing, stressed out, in a fight with someone she loves, or hurt by anything at all, do your best to stay away from her for at least two days.  Unless you are willing to subsequently put yourself in the line of danger?

In conclusion we are aware that the  “Girlfriend” may need a lot of attention and patience from you.  We hope that the this extensive list that you have just read does not change your opinion into a negative one.   for what we have failed to mention in this manual is that if you treat your  “Girlfriend” well, she will return it all back to you.  She will prove to you constantly how much she loves you and cares about you.  She will always do her best to make and keep you happy at all times.  She will surprise you, as she hopes you will surprise her.  She will shower you with attention so that you never doubt or question her love.

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sara
    Sep 07, 2010 @ 16:04:10

    LOVE IT!!! Thank you so much for posting this! 😀

    Reply

  2. LoLa
    Sep 07, 2010 @ 16:05:51

    Sara,
    I still have a hard copy for you.

    Reply

  3. Trackback: “owner’s manual for your girlfriend” (via Funny Girl LoLa) « Poetry, Medicine and Fairy Tales

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Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan