This song is speaking to me right now.  It speaks volumes to where I am right now in my life.  I hope you enjoy it too.

This is Jennifer Hudson


Seems like I’m not here  
It’s like I don’t mean nothing  
Like glass unclear  
Almost like you can see straight through me  
I got questions but no answers  
So tired of being confused and I  
Don’t wanna stay right here and I  
Gotta find my wings and fly  
I gotta find me another way  
Cause I don’t wanna stay another day  
Time for a change in my mind  
I’v opened my eyes I’m changing my life  
And now I’m gonna live my life for me  
Cause this aint how it’s supposed to be  
No more standing in the back of the line  
Cause I’m Invisible for the last time  
Why can’t you see me  
Do I really even matter  
You changed me completely  
And I remember how it used to be  
I got question what’s the lesson  
[ Invisible lyrics from ] I’m tired of being confused and I’m  
I’m gonna take my chance and fly  
I’m taking back my life  
This can’t be it for me  
This can’t be all I’m made for  
And all my time wasted in this life  
It’s my time to shine  
No more feeling insufficient  
I’m gonna make my own decisions  
It don’t matter what you can or cannot see  
I’m doing this for me  
Can you see me  
I know you see me  
No more stand in the back of the line  
Cause I’m invisible for the last time  

From Jennifer Hudson’s new album, Jennifer Hudson)




The Bird

There were a whole lot of birds flying on the roads today and I don’t mean the live ones.  Birds were flying through windows and out the other side and there were no wings involved.  I was even assaulted by one myself.  I was trying desperately to merge onto the local freeway this evening and this chick in a Jetta WOULD Not let me on.  Then when I finally merge and of course passed her on her left and she is was flipping me off.  I had to laugh, how did she know I was number one?  But seriously, I had no idea why I deserved the finger?  What was I doing wrong?  Was it merly my action of trying to merge that was pissing her off so bad she felt the need to try to insult me?  Then when I got home I saw that my friend had a similar experience.  She had some chick share a lane with her and flip her off for honking.  And when they ended up side by side, the lady yells at my friend, “Fuck you!”   My friend said she looked so bitter that all my friend could do was laugh at her.  Which I guess was very confusing for this irate woman.  What is up?  Why are birds flying ramped around the highways? Why are people so bitter?  Or is it just the woman?

Just another day in LoLa-Land

Truths through the Lies

When will our need  become clear to us
instead of a life based in lies, but of trust

The truth lies somewhere within
the tale is long, who know’s where it ends

Trying to breath in the specialness of it all
Trying to acknowledge the joy before the fall

The lies that compound and the pain that they cause
It’s hard to see the good,  through all the flaws

The truth lies there some where, it’s  sporadic  at best
And knowing the difference is part of the test

Try as you may to figure it out
Lies over truths to impossible to count

They blur all the boundaries, they smear all the facts
Causing jealousy to the simplest of acts

no way of knowing whats real and whats not
The lies just keep boiling, in their hot little pot

What may be your truth is another persons lie
If you choose to believe it, you should ask why

What may be your lie is one persons truth
where does it end? I don’t know, do you?

When will I see it?

Have you ever looked at pictures of yourself from High School or college and thought, “Damn I looked good!”  (maybe not the outfit you had on or the bad 80’s haircut you might have had.)  But rather, the hard or maybe harder, youthful form that you had at one point.  I remember thinking I was so fat in Highschool.  I remember always being taller and bigger than all of my friends.  And I always felt like the Jolly Green Giant around them.  Of course thinking about it I did seem to have a large proportion of petite friends.  Anyway, I always hated my body, I still do.  But, for so many years I have looked back at pictures of me in my past and wished to have that body again.  I wished so bad to be that size once more. “Man If I was that size again, I would actually appreciate the way I look and Work it!”  And this is what I have been saying for what feels like decades now. 

Now, I am the size I was in college, maybe not quite Highschool yet.  But, I know I will be there soon.  And yet, do you think I am content with my appearance?  Do you think I don’t look at myself in the mirror and wish I didn’t have my stomach or fat arms?  I went shopping and fit into the smallest size jeans since 1999 and it didn’t even occur to me.  All that occurred to me was that I was still unsatisfied with myself.  What will it take?  I mean, I like what I see in the mirror a hole lot more than I did.  But, I still seem to only focus on my flaws.  How do I start to appreciate myself for what I have?  Instead of always focussing on what I don’t?

Just another day in LoLa-Land

When is enough, Enough?

Take another sip of that sweet tonic
Have another hit of that herb
The joy you get is hypnotic
All your pain they seem to curb

The dandruff up your nose burns just right
The pills go down so smooth
Do you think you’ve had enough tonight
What are you trying to prove?

You crave it when it’s gone
As you it feel escape your lungs
After another bad trip and your done
Hanging you from the bottom rung

You think sober life is so tough
All life’s realities slamming in your face
When is enough, Enough?
You’ll be dead soon if you keep this pace

The demons that scream at you
Telling you to have some more
They change the things you do
And drop you to the floor

These poisons keep your truths away
But isn’t this what you wanted?
They somehow make your life OK
Staying numb, never feeling haunted.

What did you miss this time
Thinking only of your fix
Did you commit a crime
Or simply forget your kids

What life did you not live today
Who was it that walked out your door
As you drank your day away
You have lost all that you adore

Realty seems to hard to handle
Life may be just a bit to rough
Death isn’t that much better
When is enough, Enough?

Jar of Hearts

I am just really digging this song!  I hope you like it to.  It is Christina Perris Jar of hearts.

Jar Of Hearts lyrics

I know I can’t take one more step towards you
Cause all that’s waiting is regret
And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love
I loved the most

And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin’ round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
[ From: ]
So don’t come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back
You don’t get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin’ round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me
Don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Psychotic Dog River

I have a dog named River and I think he is psychotic.  Don’t get me wrong he has the sweetest disposition.  And even though he is a fairly large dog he is scared of pretty much everything!  Now you might think that this is a reflection of me since our animals typically take on the traits of their loved ones.  But, I have had River in my life for less than a year.  River came into my world fully grown and actually older than me, (in dog years).  We have often thought that he was abused at some point in his life and we know he has lost many loved ones before he came to us.  So, often I have tried to figure out by his responses to people, things and places, what happened to him.  I feel like If I could pin point an exact correlation between a negative response that River has to a certain movement or thing, I could make life easier fo him.  So, I am always hyper vigilant about recognizing when River may be unhappy or scared and here is what I have come up with so far.

1- River hates to go into dark places and will sometimes just stop and refuse to move.  – so he must be scared of the dark?

2- River has a phobia of slippery floors, linoleum, tile, wood etc.  If he is not familiar with the location he will do the same thing as when it is dark, stop dead in his tracks and refuse to budge. – Maybe he was kept in a dark basement or somewhere with slippery floors? Or maybe he doesn’t like the way it feels on his paws?

3- River is scared of almost every other animal even cats; He is curious but always scared. – Maybe he was attacked by animals regularly? Or maybe when he was being held in the dark, cold, slippery room he was never exposed to other animals and so he has no idea how to react to them?

So, basically I don’t know what to do.  I can’t get rid of my wood floors.  I refuse to sleep with the lights on and I am not going to get rid of my cat to make him happy.  He is just going to have to figure it out.  We are making strides.  He will at least walk down the hall now, I don’t have to carry him to the bedroom anymore.


The Quiet Man

He wondered about her feelings if he cared for her just a little more
You had to scrape him off the ceiling every time she came through the door

He wanted only her, she was more than he could ever dream
He wanted her from the very start. Upon seeing her he was free

He could never tell her how he really felt, the thought was quite a scare
He had to deal with the hand he’d been dealt, a quiet man wouldn’t dare

No longer did the sun shine seem pale or the winds a bit too rough
he only saw her form so frail, with the impression of being tough

At that moment he wanted nothing but to hold her in his arms
only really feeling something, just keeping her safe from harm

He kept his wants unspoken as only a quiet man would
His will would not be broken “I would love you if I could”

He never spoke aloud to her, only smiled when she looked
he was cased in a box of fear and a smile was all it took

She noticed him that quiet man, he seemed a bit familiar
She wondered if he had a plan, to ask her out to dinner

He seemed so sweet, so simple and even a bit of wise
She could barely blink, when he looked into her eyes

The magic that she saw in him made her want to hold him tight
but she had to wait for him to begin a conversation with her that night

As the people came and went and blue sky turned into dark
she realized in a moment that soon they’d have to part

her work was done her day was too, all day she had been waiting
She felt he didn’t know what to do, and it was devastating

She sadly walked away from him and he never said a word
because he was a quiet man, his voice was never heard

Chicks and Cars – Lesson #235 Water and Headlights

I was recently in a small car accident.  No big deal really as far as car accidents go.  It only took me a couple of days to feel normal again.  But, my poor minivan that I drove in to a ditch which has been in need of some serious TLC lately had to be sent to the Auto DR. and get herself a complete over hall.  When I went to pick up my both hated and loved ride,  I was notified of something that I had no idea about before.  Apparently, it is not good to have water in your head lights.  Now, I am sure if you are a man you are probably thinking, “DUH”.  But, sense I have absolutely no interest or knowledge of cars I had no idea that this was a bad thing.  For years I have had water in my headlights.  In fact my mechanic said that I could have actually housed some small fish inside my headlights if I wanted to, there was that much water.  I guess the metal behind the light is the reflective surface that the light shines off of and that is what makes your lights brighter.  When the metal gets wet it rusts and then your lights won’t work as well, It all makes perfect sense to me now.   It never seemed to make much since to me why I had water in my lights.  But they still worked, so: what did I care.  I guess I just didn’t realize the degree’s “Of working” there is in cars.  Because, Only one light was working and that one was barely bright at all.  And this ladies and gentlemen is why my poor minivan went off roading in the first place.  I had no idea where the road went.

The Free’d Bird

This bird will no longer sit idle by and watch its life pass
Refusing to forgo the future just to save the past

Learning to fly has given it the confidence it needs
realizing it no longer feels trapped, it only feels free

The wings are stretched and ready to soar
It flew out the window, ignoring the door

It’s heading down the meadow just inches from the grass
it’s a certain type of beauty that is always meant to last

Knowing that it will never settle for being trapped again
This bird is thankful for its freedom and will never let it end

No chains will hold it, no rings will bind
Don’t think it’s crazy, this bird’s just fine

It knows it changed, it sees that too
hoping all its dreams come true

This bird is free from all that bound it
and never again will it be grounded

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan