Holding the Shine

I’m  trying really hard to hold onto my shine.  I think I need like a hot wax treatment?  Know really I do shine, when I am happy and confident and I feel good about who I am.  It’s not about the dress I have on or the Degree of sexiness in my underwear.  It’s internal, It’s my energy that shoots out of me.  When I am really happy and I am content with the things that matter most to me I shine bright.  I thought I was still shiny until the other day a dear friend said, “I miss you all shiny!  I want to see you shiny again.”  This was so confusing to me, I still feel shiny..?  Why would she say that unless she could see something I hadn’t.

 I asked her, “you don’t think I am shiny anymore?” 

She looked at me crooked her head to one side and then walked away.  I know what this means; she thinks I’ve lost my shine.  Now I sit in self-reflection wondering why I see myself so differently than my friends do?    Does everyone wonder where my shine has gone?  I know where it went and I just want my shine back.  Because  it flew out the window with my love on the back of an angry black crow!  I told myself I would never lose my shine again.  When I returned from New York I was focussed, I was happy.  Now I find myself in a bit of despair.  A BIT!  Just a bit of despair.  I am not depressed But I am melancholy at times.  I know I am blessed with a great many bosom friends and they are always the ones that help me through my hard times.  But, my shine comes from within.  No person is going to be able to help me find my strength or spirit again. I need to find my shine  on my own. 

Then I wonder, once I find it again how am I to go about keeping it?  Which in turn opens the door to yet more questions.  But, really, one step at a time.  I will start with the things that bring me joy and start doing them.  I will keep you posted on how it all plays out.  “The quest for Shine” (LOL yeah Ok… I’ll work on that too)

Nana said…

Nana used to take care of me when I was younger.  She lived with us for a while and took care of my brother and I while my parents worked.  She was a crazy old gal… No really she was.  Nana was crazy!  But, she loved us with all of her heart.  I remember feeling like I really could do no wrong in her eyes.  Nana used to give me some really crazy advice and it took me awhile to figure out that she was a bit psychotic, because no one would talk about it.  But, I sat down and wondered what did I learn from my Nana and these were her lessons to me.

  1. Never pluck your eyebrows!  The hair will just take over or they never come back.
  2. Flour must ALWAYS be sifted first when using it for baking.. but then she couldn’t tell me why?”
  3. Never hang the wash to dry on the line by the bushes or under the trees, because you will get sap or ticks in your drawers.  (nana was from south Carolina by the way)
  4. Find a good man who will take care of you and you will be fine.  (hmmmm this one gives me pause to some deep-seated list of priorities that I have always seem to have)
  5. You can never use enough hairspray! This was evident in the ability to have her whole head move when you simply pulled on one strand of her hair.  I thought of it as Cobweb Hair…  It was all stuck together.
  6. Random hairs WILL  start to grow all over your body, and inch over night sometimes.  (sadly I am finding this one is true.)

PARENTAL STARE DOWN

The funniest thing happened to me the other day, something that hasn’t happened in 20 years.  I took a date of mine over to my parents house to drop something off to them and my dad sat and just stared at my date.  I kept looking at him wondering, “what is his problem?  Is he trying to be rude?  I know that face….”  It wasn’t until we had been there for about 10 minutes that I figured it out.  My dad was giving my date the “Stare Down”.  He was eye balling (as he says) that man so bad.  I was surprised my date didn’t start to fidget or stutter.  When we left I asked my date if he noticed the STARE DOWN, he laughed and said “no”.  I was glad he found it funny enough to laugh at, considering that he is almost 40 years old and could be a dad himself.

Later I spoke to my father and I said, “Dad!  You were giving him the STARE DOWN!”  He cracked up, knowing right away what I am talking about and says, “you are my girl I need to make sure he is a good guy!”

I love my dad!

Difference of a Year

It has been one year since I started my blog.  Not a huge accomplishment I know but, I am fascinated by the turn of events that have transpired in the past year.  My life has been completely turned upside down.  Everything I thought that was important now somehow seems trivial.  (Apart from one thing)  I feel like all the hopes and dreams I had a year ago have all changed.   I have changed in every single area of my life.  From the work I do, where I live, who I love, What my goals are, what I want for the future.  Hell even my body has changed.  I have to say as hard as it all has been,  I still rejoice in these changes I have made.  And life has by no means been easy. I have opened myself up to some of the most amazingly wonderful and amazingly horrible moments in my life.  I could regret all of the bad stuff.  I could wish that I never stepped out of my old life and into this new arena of existence;  But, it wouldn’t be true.   Because for the first time in so very many years I feel alive, wanted and I feel energized.  Do I regret some of the steps I have taken in getting where I am today, hell yes!  Do I wish that life was the way it was before…. not very often.  As scared as I am to progress and move on, no matter how that may affect all around me;  I still keep chugging along.  Trying to make my way around this crazy world alone.  So happy anniversary to me, I guess.  Because I think this blog has really helped me open up and express myself more.  It is part of the new me.  I started the blog when the old me started to finally die away.  So thank you loyal subscribers for listening to what I have to say.  My hope is that soon the tone will change and I will find my humor again.  Though I have to admit much of it drips with sarcasm and I am trying to move away from that aswell.  Cheers to you all.  I wish you all well.

LoLa

Goodbye Insecurity

I’m sorry I’m not all you thought I would be
I’m sorry all you see are my insecurities

I know I have some, I always have
It keeps me from making others feel bad

But you don’t help me feel any better
I know your act down to the last letter

Making me feel so good about myself
Your sweet words were better than wealth

You said I was beautiful, you said I was sexy
At first, your words I could not believe

You gazed longingly and called me pretty
Taking away from me all my insecurities

With you I felt special, wanted and blessed
I thought we had something, better than the rest

How wrong I was in this assumption of mine
I didn’t want to see it, I tried to stay blind

The talks with other woman, their beauty, their sex
When I ask you about them, you look perplexed

Do you think I am stupid, do you think I don’t know
You can act dumb, but your nose is starting to grow

Woman we talk there isn’t a doubt about that
We all keep a file and baby your’s is quite fat

It says you get lonely, drunk and then sad
you find board woman who may be easily had

You call them sexy and beautiful, as you did me
And then stand them up and don’t even say sorry

Then behind their backs when they think you’re a friend
you call them Fatty’s and Scrubs to cover your sins

You are a man slut, a whore, a liar and a jerk
you toy with woman and don’t care who you hurt

if you hate us so much then why do you call
why is it woman you reach for as you fall

I would trust you, your words and believe what you say
if I didn’t know that you treated other woman this way

This is how you hooked me that fact can’t be missed
But it hurts you kept flirting even after we kissed

You told me, you loved me, from the very beginning
You just met me how could you love me, who were you kidding

I will do what you say, I will move on and raise hell
I am done with your games baby good-bye and be well!

Sorry, I wasn’t listening

I’m sorry were you talking to me
I couldn’t hear anything but screaming

Stomp away angry darling it’s ok
We’ll get a bottle of something to take the stress away

Oh, I’m sorry love were you not finished
I’ve made you mad and must be punished

Keep your back to me sexy, I’m used to that
I’ll just look at your ass as you continue to rant

Oops I’m sorry sweetie, what did you say
weren’t you interpreting some dramatic play

Oh did we just break up again?
Or should I say “break up until… when?”

What was it this time that made you run
Was I not being perfect and fun

Did I not placate to you, giggle and flirt
Was it because I didn’t let you treat me like dirt?

What do you want honey, you’re a child at best
All you need is a pacifier and some voluptuous chest

Here comes the name calling the meanness and fowls
Seriously, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Go to sleep now, your headache will be worse in the morning
I’ll be gone by then, and please don’t bother to call me.

New Child Transportation

Yesterday I saw a kid that looked to be about 15 years old riding his bike.  No biggie right?  But, here is the thing, he was only holding onto the handle bar grip with his right hand.  With his left hand he held like a sack of potatoes, what looked to me to be a 3 month old baby.  The baby was not strapped to anything, it was not in a baby carrier or any kind or restraint system.  It had no helmet (not that they make them that small) and only had on a short sleeve onsie. The baby  just hung from the bend in this kids arm and flopped about,   since it still didn’t seem to appear to have much neck control.  I have to say it freaked me out! All that kid had to do was hit a bump, a rock or any little thing and he could have lost control.  What would have happened to the baby that is just hanging off the side of this kids body, with just a little thin piece of material on?  I wonder how road rash feels when you aren’t even able to support your head yet? 

Then I had to ask myself the obvious question…..Where’s this babies mother?

Wake up and Walk out

You wonder where your dreams have gone
You wonder when everything went wrong

That things that bug you come and go
Just barely escaping your ego

You let them slide, say you don’t care
As the fires in you, they start to flare

“You’ve been down this road
Didn’t care what you were told
Refusing to listen to your own doubt
Wake up sister and walk out”

He said he loves only you
Then he says it to someone you knew

He said he was just kidding
As he pushes you off as silly

You can pretend not to see it
When you see it you will feel it

“You’ve been down this road
Didn’t care what you were told
Refusing to listen to your own doubt
Wake up sister and walk out”

Why didn’t he call you once again
Where was he last night if not in bed

The smell of sweetness on his shirts
Reminds you that he still flirts

Whats becoming of you that you let it slide
When did you start excepting the lies

This was never a trait that would cut it before
You would have raged at him and stormed out the door

“You’ve been down this road
Didn’t care what you were told
Refusing to listen to your own doubt
Wake up sister and walk out”

The signs are there you just refuse to see them
Maybe you have a lesson to learn before it ends

Try not putting up with it, walk with some clout
Truly sister, wake up and walk out!

Sweet Nectar

Sucking in the sweetness
swirling the tantalizing nectar across my tongue
Memories flash of times from the past

A day in the summer with cousins
running through the flowering fields
yellows and reds from the pedals blur

The sweet nectar folds its way around the confines of my mouth
drifting its way up my nose to invade a little more
pungent tones of flowers and spice take over
My mind starts to drift again to days with a lover

Laying in his strong arms for hours
Savoring the heated moments that left us both breathless
Spicy hue’s of him torment me as sleep closes in
A scent of vanilla overwhelms me from the fire lit candle

Finally swallowing the fruit goodness that took me away
Heating as it went down warming from the inside
coursing its way into the depths of my soul
I wandered again to yet another moment in time

Departure

I will shine again
sure to dance once more
and I will sing for him
as I am spinning out the door

Did you see me then
when I was just a girl
No pain was had back when
Before my hair began to curl

I danced a lot those days
I sang for joy then too
I wished in constant ways
Of my future and what I’d do

There was a spring in my step
A magic in my eyes
I believed everything, except
for religious lies.

Learned a lot since then
my steps grounded in mud
My wings now open
I’ll fly off before the flood

I’ll take with me my memories
the love and needs I once had too
And I’ll think of thee
As I’m joyfully searching for something new

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan