Ass-byss

Have you ever wondered why some men can’t find their wallet and keys?  Have you ever looked for hours with them trying to find one or the other?  I did this a month ago, I searched every nook and cranny for a set of keys.  I was on a date and we were at a company party and we had been ALL over the location we were at.  So, we knew the keys could be ANYWHERE!  And it wasn’t just us, his entire company was looking for the elusive keys.  It wasn’t until I came up behind him and grabbed his butt that all was resolved.  He had not realized that his keys were in his back pocket the entire time.  This is, I believe do to the Assbyss!  (This is a new term that I am now coining!)  The Assbyss is where you lose things in the back of your jeans.  There by going to the Abyss that resides near your ASS!  This is typically a problem for the men in the world whose pants are too big for them.  Or the young guys who actually like to wear their pants with the waste hanging out down around their knees.  They have no idea what is in their pockets because their pockets are no where close to touching their bodies or their ass’s.  

I think that society as a whole should be doing what we can to affectively change the Assbyss phenomenon from happening!  Think of the countless hours of searching for lost articles that we would not be needed!  What if we simply walked up to these guys and pulled their jeans up for them? 

“excuse me!  What the hell !?  Why are you yanking on my belt loops?”  He asks

“Oh I am sorry, I was just following through with a public service announcement to stop useless searching and just make you are aware of whats in your Assbyss!  Did you actually mean to have your underwear hanging out?  Did you not want the waste of your pants to actually reside on your waste, where they belong?”  I would ask.

I think this would be a good Service to perform for two reasons, 1- we would save time and energy on random searches.  2- maybe then we wouldn’t have to look at all these men with their underware’d butts  hanging out.

(Small note- to give my date some credit, he was not one of these types of guys who pulls his jeans down past his butt.  He was just having a skinny day and things were not fitting him right.)

Psycho-Stalker-Boob Cat Attacks AGAIN!

That crazy Psycho-Stalker-Boob Cat is back to his old tricks again.  I was visiting my friends last night, the ones I was staying with the last time I had a moment with this cat.  He is their cat by definition, but  for the most part he just does whatever he wants.  This time he got my friend Emily.  Doing pretty much exactly as I described in my last post about him.  He got comfortable next to her and she found it sweet.  Then he started to poke and prod at her with his paws. This is what he has done to ALL of us, whether you are comfortable with this or not.  Like a pushy date he has to take it a step further and start to nudge on the breasts.   I am sure that all animals in our kingdom like to nestle in a set of soft bosoms.  But, it is more than that with this weird cat.  He stares you down as if you are his next prey.  Emily said, “he’s weird LoLa he like looks you in the eye and doesn’t blink.  He just stares at you like he is reading your mind or something. I swear I saw the inside of his eye change!”  I knew exactly what she was talking about because he has done that to me too.

Then my other friend Crystal she swears he is up to more drastically deeds.   She said, “Yeah he comes in my room and does the stare down on me and like five minutes later I fall asleep.  I think he hypnotized me into going to sleep!”  Emily and I laughed.  We both wanted to know if she was naked when he was getting her to fall asleep?

“You never know what he is doing to you while you are in his trance!  I would stay dressed.” I said

I think Crystal might suspect that the cat is one that might be able to steal people’s souls.  There are several stories about them,  Old Wives tales about not letting a cat sleep with children.  I have never felt anything but love or disgust from all of my cats.  They never made me feel like this Weirdo (Another name for the psycho boob cat). Like I was some sort of play toy for them. 

I think Emily and I are on the same page on this one.  We both think that there is spirit stuck in that cat.  He was either a rapist or he had an affection for tits. Maybe he is trying to tell you something when he gets up on your chest like that…?  They did mention that he will walk to the backdoor and sit there waiting for someone to let him out.  His mouth will be moving but he doesn’t meow.   He just sits there and moves his mouth as if he thinks he’s talking to them and they just don’t understand him.  He’s probably thinking, “Get up!  Let me out.  Open the DOOR!  Open the door…  Hello?  Do you not see me?  OPEN THE DOOR! I’ll pee right here!”

Healing Seasons

Break the bond between us
Be steadfast in your pursuit to forget me
Why you left no one could guess
All they knew was the pain they could see

You took your leave so long ago
the leaves were all starting to turn
Why you left that time I would never know
My fire for you still burned

Devastated I waited for your return
I hoped each night for your sudden arrival
The wind picked up and the fallen leaves churn
The season sucked up all hope for our survival

Winter saw its last cool breath
frost covered all my window seals
I treated our love like a pathetic death
I had to, if I was to ever heal

Spring flowers rose, rains washed the pain away
I could no longer mourn for you
It was time to start a new day
I set off with a list of things to do

I washed all your scent away
I swept up all that was left of you
I got rid of all the things you stained
It was a big spring cleaning I had to do

It felt better when you were gone
All the small things I was changing too
Suddenly nothing about your departure felt wrong
I am almost over you

Summer came and with it the sun
The heat got me outside to breath
I was able to focus, get stuff done
I sat and looked at the trees and leaves

It’s been all of a year and I can finally say
Without any regrets at all
I don’t think of you with each passing day
I haven’t missed you since the fall

You took a part of me, my power
You tried to take my spirit too
All traces of you died with the flowers
By the fall I was onto something new

It’s taken a year to heal from you
It’s been a challenge as well
I now focus on something new
I am finally out from under your spell

Take the time for yourself
Enjoy the seasons too
Now that I am somebody else
I have no  interest in you

Sports and me

I was talking to my ex last night about the big game.  Our local football team was playing in the playoffs and everyone was freaking out around here, with football this and football that…  I had been watching the game and he hadn’t, he wanted to know what the score was. 

So I said, “It’s 7 to 14 and it’s the fourth inning, No one is on first.  But the puck almost clipped some guy in the teeth, before it shot out, bounced off the rim and then made a hole in one.” 

My ex just started laughing

“Did someone win a Turkey?” he asked.

I said, “No but one guy got a gold belt, one guy got a gold ring and one guy got a really big, fake check and an ugly blazer.”

All Planned Out

she sits alone in her small apartment
she has all but given up
she puts everything into compartments
As she drinks coffee from a cup

The plan is set
she knows what she will do
She will never forget
But her thoughts aren’t of you

She has chosen the time
She has picked out the place
She will be drinking some wine
Put some makeup on her face

she knows what she plans to wear
she wants to look good but be comfortable too
A comfy sweatshirt and pretty underwear
A sweet lacy pair in baby boy blue

She plans to write a letter
To some of the people that she loves
Telling them she will be better
As an angel from up above

She will use her best penmanship
she will pick out the prettiest paper
She will reflect on her relationships
And beg them not to try to save her

It’s been a long time coming, she is resigned
These actions have been carefully planned out
She will take all the pills at the same time
She hopes she has no pain before she passes out

She will make up her comfortable bed
She will even scrub the bathroom floor
It will be peaceful when she is dead
She knows this deep within her core

She has made the right decision
Leaving would be better for everyone
She will think she is right  till the end
With this life, she is just simply, done

Back Pain

I started this year off on the wrong foot, literally.  I was running down a hill on a bike path with my dog.  And I rolled my ankle on a rock.  I instantly switched to my other foot to support my weight.  So, I wouldn’t really hurt my ankle and what ever I did ended up hurting my back.  It has been 6 days and I am no better.  I have pain every single moment of the day.  It hurts to walk, stand, sit or lay.  I can’t exercise, I can’t play with kids or animals, I can barely work at my new job that I started on the 2nd.  I am a mess, and I am trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself.  But, tears roll down my face voluntarily when ever I try to stand up.  If you read my blog a lot you know then why I am about to make light of it all.  Because through all my pain I need to laugh, or I might as well just die.  So, here are some things to remember when you have an injured back.

1- Put your under ware on sitting down, because falling over just trying to get your leg in the hole never helps make you feel better.

2- Wear shoes that don’t make you stub your toe, because the jerk that you get that ripples down your spine  from almost tripping is an unbearable pain that is unneeded to say the least.

3- Make sure that the chair you have been trying to get your butt onto for 5 minutes  is not broken already.  Because once you sit down the damn thing could  fling you out, like some sort of “Cockpit emergency evacuation seat”.  Drop you to one knee with the chair on top of you, this can be both frustrating and painful.

4- Make sure you ask the person helping you for all your needs at once because if you wait until they have finally sat down to ask for YET ANOTHER thing, they may get mad.

5- Sit on the yoga ball at work instead of a chair, but keep yourself steady on it.  Because rolling backwards and falling into the window behind you can be dangerous and painful.

6- Make sure you have no small animals that could be  just hanging out.  You could  accidentally step on them and then they may get you back by leaving a fecal present for you at your bedside. 

7- NEVER DROP ANYTHING! Imagine you are in a prison shower or something….

8- If you are over weight at all and a woman expect people to think you are pregnant because you are walking around holding your hip or back. Or maybe it’s because you are waddling?

9- Don’t hold your urine for too long… It could either be a control issue during a spasm or the fact that if you are on your own it could take you a good 20 minutes to make it to the toilet.

10-  Then there is sex…. sex with back pain???  Well now that would need to be a whole other blog post.

2012 Weight goal

I realized yesterday that for the first time in 10 plus years I can actually see myself meeting my weight loss goals!  I have been so morbidly obese for so very long. That unless I had some sort of surgery or joined some extreme boot camp for the entire year, I would never make my goals.  I realized that I am only 25lbs away from my “If I could just weigh…. ” weight.  I know that if I put my mind to it and really work hard to lose the weight, that I will.  I have lost 110 lbs so far and I feel so amazing.  So, very many things have changed for me since I have become a normal bodied citizen again.  Sadly most of them do not speak well of our society as a whole.

One of these realizations that I’ve had since going from an Obese woman who wanted to hide all the time and wished she was invisible, to a woman who actually enjoys being admired by strangers.  Is I am now an attractive woman, one that men do a double take at.   Men treat me with respect and interest where before men would talk to me and then forget my name and reintroduce themselves the next time they met me.  But, all of this I guess is to be expected.  What is more interesting to me is the woman.  When I was heavy woman would be either disgusted with me and look at me with embarrassment all over their faces.  Or  they would see right past my weight and see the real me.  Now there is a whole new element to woman.  jealousy, some woman have become so mean.  They barely give me a chance to get to know them or them to get to know me.  Before that can happen they are judging me, my clothes, my hair, my look.  They can even go out of their way to ignore me or make me feel like an outsider.  So the men went from mean and the woman nice for the most part, to now the exact opposite.

I also just recently started looking for a new job.  And unlike the last time I was searching for a job and I was maybe 65lbs heavier, it was surprisingly easy.  I had owners (men of course) fighting over me to work for them.  Unlike when I was heavier I was rejected for countless jobs and was finally hired by a woman.  I worry though now about this.  Because i have always maintained and achieved my professional positions based on my abilities.  Now I wonder if being attractive to the opposite sex is playing more a part in this fight for my employment than it has to do with the what I can do?  I guess I will see…

The most important thing is that I feel good, I feel beautiful and I am proud of myself.  The best part is I know I can meet that goal this year.  I can see the finish line and I know that I will be running over it in stride and grace.  I wish you all the best this year in what ever you chose to achieve, just put your minds to it and you can accomplish anything you want.

Happy New Years!

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan