Auntie – Maui Diary #7

I just spent half the day with an elder on the island. A spiritual leader that so very many people here look up too. I had the pleaser of meeting Auntie about a year ago in my home town. When she came to speak with us about an ancient Hawaiian method of communication and forgiveness called “ho’oponopono” , I was in probably one of the worst places in my life at that time.
I was not sure about my place in the company, I was struggling with some inner office drama, I was preparing to divorce my husband who I had been separated from. As well as breaking things off with a man I was completely infatuated with but who thought hurting me was a fun pastime and I had no place to call home.

I was lost, I was scared, I was a mess! She worked with me and the rest of us to keep our communications with each other strong. The goal being to have a healthy happy work environment and I believe that with her guidance we were able to accomplish that.

She lives her in Maui and one of the only things on my list to do’s (besides sleeping) while being here was to see her. Today she blessed me with hours of individual time. She reminded me of so many of my life’s lessons that I had forgotten. She acknowledged the way I was then and the way I am now and how different I am. She sees the growth I have made and the growth that is yet to come. We spoke of fears since I have been thinking about it so much. She reminded me that fear comes from not knowing. She said, ” if you knew what was going to be your life in three years and where you would be, would you fear it?” All I could think was how nice that would be. To know that I’m alive, where I will be living or what my work will be, would be so relaxing. But I don’t know where I’ll be in three, ten or even thirty years and so I have to go on faith that all will be well.

She did teach me something new. She taught me that everything comes from within. How I see, react, feel or live my life all come from within myself. If you don’t see the beauty within yourself you will never see the beauty in others. If you don’t care for yourself you can never really have care for others. That life in abundance is available but first one must have balance and balance comes from within. To truly appreciate the love of someone else you must first love yourself.
Which reminded me of a conversation I had with my stepdad, who is very much my father. He said about his first divorce, “when she left me, I tried to get her back. I would have done anything to make it work. Then I read a Buddhist book about “the self ” and it made me realize that I couldn’t expect someone else to bring me my happiness. I couldn’t look for it in others. It was NOT wrapped up with her. I learned that my happiness comes from within”. He said it was then that he got to know himself better and that eventually he realized he didn’t need ANYONE but himself. She later came back to him and wanted him back and he said no. (which is good for me or he never would have met my mother or me).

It’s kind of relaxing to think that all one needs in life is themselves. Not to dismiss the love and support of family and friends. But, to rather acknowledge our own importance and self-worth. If we truly believe then it can be! But, we need to believe within our own hearts and souls and that belief starts  inside of us. I need to believe in me first.
She the told me that my sister and grandma were beside me and were proud of me and that I needed to grow my hair out about two to three inches to attract the man who is to be my soul mate. But, the hair and the man need to wait. First there needs to be me.
Thank you Auntie, I love you.

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Fear – Maui Diary #6

I’ve been scared a lot this trip. I was scared to snorkel at first because I was worried about getting scratched by the coral. I was scared to just get in the car and drive because what if I got lost? I was scared to walk a particular beach alone because of a big group of male locals. Now I am scared to go swimming in deep waters to try and find dolphins, because what if there are sharks?

I live in fear a lot. What if I won’t have enough money? What if I get hurt? What if I fail? What if it all doesn’t work out? What if something goes wrong? What if….? I wonder where this fear comes from? Some say it’s learned behavior, that we get from our parents. Some say it’s part of our genetic make up and comes from our ancestors. Some say it’s learned through our life experiences.

No matter how you look at fear or where it may come from, It gets in the way of life. It’s like worrying, it’s like trying to cross a bridge before you get to it. It’s a waste of time and energy and can also be debilitating. How many of us have NOT done something because we were scared and then regretted it? I never tried out for the solo I wanted to do in my high-school choir and always regretted it. What’s that old saying, ” I regret more the things I didn’t do, then the things I did”.

We are subjected to living in fear all the time. The news is based in fear. They want you to be scared, they want you in your homes watching their show, fear sells. We can’t help ourselves, it’s like when you pass an accident on the road, do you look away or do you try to see as much wreckage as possible? Is it the drama in fear that we are attracted too?

Our abilities are limitless and are lives can be full of abundance, if we just put out in the universe what we want. All we have to do is visualize what we want, not fear the outcome or the process, and take the steps towards facilitating those wants, to make it true. Yet for the most part we visualize and think about our worries and fears. We watch in fear, scary things and worry it will happen to us.

How can we as a society break this pattern? Because if you contribute to the belief of “what you put out there is what will come to you or rather the Law of attraction”. Then society as a hole is attracting the negative. Watching true stories of pain and violence daily on the news and then sitting around fearing it may happen to you, could be bringing that negativity your way.

I didn’t scratch myself on the coral, I swam with sea turtles. I didn’t get lost, instead I saw a beautiful sunset. I didn’t get attacked at the beach, I saw a rainbow and a hot naked man. And to backtrack a bit, I found out shortly after the choir concert was over, that my instructor had envisioned my voice for that solo, all I had to do was try out and it would have been mine. So, I’m going to go deep sea snorkeling today and I may or may not see dolphins. But, I’ll bet you ten to one I’ll be glad I went.

Alone But Not Lonely-Maui Diary #5

I don’t think I have ever spent this much time alone in my entire life. I have always been surrounded my friends, family, coworkers, kids or lovers. It has been so quiet and serene these last couple of days. I have literally gone hours without saying a word, which is yet another bizarre phenomenon for me.
I thought I would be bored. I thought I might even get depressed and start to miss my loved ones. But, as it is I am joyful in my alone time. I am at peace here and I don’t worry about anything. It may be a different story altogether if I had work responsibilities to attend too or family issues looming at me. But, as it is I am here to learn to breath. To stop as my boss calls it, “turning green”.

I am the only one sitting in this restaurant by myself. I am surrounded by couples and families. And honestly most of the couples are barely speaking to one another. Most of them are looking at the art or playing on their phones. Watching this lack of interaction reminds me of married life. Reminds me of the countless meals where I was just like all these couples, with my partner, but essentially alone. It’s nice to still have a silent meal and yet not worry that my wondering eye will offend anyone. Or being concerned at all that my texting or face-booking at the table may be upsetting someone else.
I am actually free to do whatever I want to do, when I want to do it, and as long as I am not breaking the law no one is going to stop me. I have nobody else’s feelings to be concerned about. I have nobody else’s wants and desires to contend with. I am not depressed at all I am actually in a state of complete peace and happiness.
I hope this is just the beginning of many days like this. So, as I have done so many times before, I can end my post with….”just another day in my life”, and have a feeling like I do now when I do, a feeling of complete relaxation and peace.

view from my room

Kihei Visuals – Diary #4

Sun Shinny me

PEACE
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

For this post it seems to me that words will simply just not do.  I will show you how my day went instead.

Kihei above

Art in the Park

Hope

A quick swim and i’m happy

Slippery when wet or dry

I Want More

New friends – Maui Diary #3

Where Sea Turtles Live

Yesterday I went snorkeling again with my friend and as the day before, it was beautiful.  We were cruising all around looking at the little fish, trying to find shells and then my friend started to point at a big rock.  I was a bit confused as to why she was so excited about a big green rock, until it moved.  It was then that I realized the it was not a rock at all, but the top of a turtle shell;  It was an amazing sight to see! 

 The turtle was an adult, its shell was wider than me and stretched from my feet to my chest.  It’s shell was a bright green and it’s legs and head were a grayish-brown.  It’s body itself looked like a desert floor, with deep lines coursing through its rubbery skin.  It slowly swayed with the waters currents, gliding lower to the oceans floor and then back up towards the surface.  At first it didn’t notice us at all, as it floated about beneath us.  My friend who is an avid ocean swimmer and true lover of everything Hawaiian, sent respect and love to the turtle, this was when that the turtle turned and noticed us.  

My friend glided down beneath the water and slowly approached the turtle, they swam side by side until she ran out of breath.  When she came to the surface to breathe, the turtle followed her. It surfaced for a minute letting its shell feel the heat of the sun and then it swooped back down again.  This time we both followed the turtle down, swimming on either side of it.  We glided along the coral and slowly reached out to touch it.  I was surprised to find the shell was slick and slimy.  I realized then that the green on the shell was actually a covering of moss.  The turtle responded to us by swaying in the direction of our touches.  I reached for its leg and essentially held its hand (if it had one).  The webbed leg felt just as I imagined it would, slightly rubbery but hard too.   I looked in the turtles dark eyes while I swam next to it and felt a sense of wonder from it. 

While we frolicked with our new friend two more like it showed up.  One of them was a baby.  Its body was much smaller, its shell was only about a foot across and its entire body stretched from my feet to my knee.  The babies shell was spectacular.  It was streaked with colors of green, blues and pinks and was not slick to touch.  I imagine the adults shell’s are just as spectacular, but being they are covered with moss you can’t see them.  We gave the baby more room than the adults, not wanting to scare what I assumed were its parents.  Not wanting them to think that we would want to harm their baby at all. 

We played with the turtles for about 30 minutes.  My friend could hold her breath long enough to dive down with the turtles and swim under them and twirl with them before she would rise for air.  I would try to join them, but swimming beside them and lightly gliding my hand on them was all I was able to handle before my breath escaped me.  We decided after a while that we had better leave them be.  As much fun as we all seemed to be having playing with one another.  The turtles were gliding farther and farther into the ocean and the shoreline became smaller and smaller.  As we headed back in towards the land we came across another adult turtle swimming by itself.  Sadly it had large tumors all over its neck, head and legs.  It  looked like the turtle was carrying baseball size white and black rocks on its sholder.  The tumors were growing on top of one another, and surrounded either side of his head.   You could feel his loneliness and pain.  My friend and I both said a prayer for this sweet sick turtle and tried to send it love.  We swam along side it for a while reaching out to stroke it shell and it seemed thankful for the touch.  I wished I could remove the rock like tumors and lighten its load.   I wondered if the other turtles avoided this one because of its illness?  Could it be like us humans, are turtles afraid of things that are different from them?

 I will always remember my new ocean friends, swimming with them was truly a dream come true.  I will think of the turtle with the tumors and hope for a recovery for it.  I will think about the baby’s life and hope it is long and non toxic.  I worry about our underwater world.  I worry about the radiation that is coming from the Fukushima tragedy in Japan.  I hope that when I return to Maui I will see them all again, frolicking about.I am very thankful for yesterday!  I look forward to what today will bring me.

  It was Great day in my life!

Getting in the Water- Maui Diary #2

Upon being picked up from the airport I was given two options of what I could do.  I could go with my friend to a restaurant and have lunch or I could get lunch to go and then go snorkeling.  I of course being the ocean lover that I am, jumped at the idea of eating lunch at the beach.

It was so wonderful enjoying a meal while sitting on the sand, looking at the beautiful landscape that resided in front of me.   All I wanted to do was jump in and swim so badly.  We ate and lathered ourselves up with sunscreen and finally we were ready.  I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to be in such a perfect temperature water.  Where I live the ocean is a chilling 50 degrees pretty much all year round.  But, on this side of the ocean you are able to just jump on in and go! The water always feels so good to my skin;  It soothes me as it coats my body. It doesn’t matter to me if the ocean is calm or rough because I grew up with the big waves and nothing scares me more than those did.

With the snorkel mask and breathing tube on, I was able to just float around the top and enjoy the beauty that lived beneath me.  I saw so many different colors of green, brown, lavender and pinks from the corals, shells and seaweed. Little colorful fish darted all about chasing one another or scared they would respond to my huge shadow and try to hide in the seaweed.  I could have stayed out there for hours, searching for the perfect shell.  But being the albino white girl that I am we felt it would be good if I didn’t spend too much time my first day in the sun or I would be pink like a lobster for the rest of my trip.

I handled waves in my bare feet just fine. I was able to keep up with my flippered friend just fine and I wasn’t even tired when I finally got out of the water. I was able to learn more about the snorkeling equipment and dove under the water several times to get a better look at the underwater life. I will admit I took in several gulps of saltwater, forgetting to blow out before I sucked in when I came to the surface. But, I stayed calm and just treaded water through my choking and coughing of the scratchy salt water. And always when it comes to my beloved ocean no matter how vulnerable I felt at times, I wanted more of it as soon as I got out on the hot sand.

I am proud of myself for not being to intimidated to try the snorkeling without some tour guide telling me exactly where to go.  I am proud, that even though I by no means had even close to the best body on the beach, I was not humiliated to be in a swim suit and didn’t mind walking from one end to the next  in front of people.  I am proud of myself for attempting to dive down under the water’s surface even though I was worried I would screw up and swallow a gallon of water.  I am happy to announce that I am going to go back as soon as I can.

Cockroach

They scurry back and forth
Antennas leading them to where they must go
Food and warmth is what they search for
Where they can find it only they will know

They usually only come out at night
Using the darkness as their guide
Their hissing sound can cause a fright
During the day they wait and hide

Their way to long to just be annoying
They travel way to fast too
The presence of them is unnerving
I’ve already seen a few

They dart out from under the furniture
Scampering across the floor
They seem a wee bit sinister
Making you wonder if there’s more

Their two inch bodies scare me
Their little brown rats with wings
Their the pest I never want to see
Thank god they don’t bite or sting

I don’t how I’m going to sleep at night
Worried about where they may be
I just hope they remain out of sight
Please just stay away from me!

Maui – I’m on my way #1

This will be, I hope, the first of many of the Maui Diaries. Right now I am in the airport surrounded by a number of excited and happy people. Families and groups of ladies all joyfully chattering in different languages, as they anxiously wait for the gate doors to open and for the journey to begin. Everyone is decked out in their Hawaiian garb, sporting every type of tropical flower in every bright or vibrant color. People are wearing straw hats and flip-flops already, even though it is only 55 degrees outside right now.

I think I’m the only one here who is about to spend a number of days by myself on a tropical island. I know that I have a home to stay at, with a ocean view. I know that I will have access to a safe car and internet. I am being picked up from the airport and dropped off at my vacation home, so, I have no reason to be concerned. Other than that I have NO IDEA what to expect. I have some work to do. I have some books to read. I have an art project to work on and I have my blog. Other than that, what becomes of this trip is 100% dependent on me.

I am hoping to have some true self-reflection time. I’m hoping to be able to learn something about myself and grow. It has been such a hard couple of years. I have been living out of a suitcase for 2 years now and I am exhausted. I feel so lost so quickly when things go wrong because, essentially, I am. I have not had a place to call my home for so long, that when any little thing rocks my existence, I start to feel completely unsteady. My goal is to have a life changing trip, and to come home with a new perspective on things.

I don’t want to stress anymore about the little things. I want to be able to let the unknown variables of life roll off my chest without causing me fear or an anxiety attack. I want to be able to retain the lessons I learn this weekend for the rest of my life. I don’t want to forget about them and go back to the old me that can’t sleep at night worrying about money. I am also hoping to learn to enjoy every moment. Appreciate each second for exactly what it is. I don’t want to just be focused on what I need to be doing or what I should be doing. Like right now, I want to be one of these happy travelers joyfully waiting for the flight attendant to call early boarding. I guess we will see.

It’s just another day in LoLa-Land.

I was a Sadie

At midnight tonight I will no longer be a Sadie. If you don’t know what a  “Sadie” is then you are not a Barbara Streisand fan like I am. Because anyone who loves Barbara, has seen all of her movies and would know what a Sadie is. Instead of making you sit through “Funny Girl” I will just tell you. A Sadie was the popular, beautiful girl on the block who was the first to get married.  All Barbara’s character wanted to do was to get married and like Barbara, I couldn’t wait to be a Sadie.  I was a Sadie for 4840 days.

I liked being married. I liked the feeling of security you get when you know someone else will be there for you when things get tough. My marriage was very much like this. When the going got tough for one of us, the other would step up to the plate. I would say that we were equally dependent on each other. It wasn’t always peaches and creme but we hardly ever fought with one another.  But, I’ve learned in this that sometimes it’s the silence the kills a relationships.  We do love each other, even now.  I think that comes from the years (decades) we have spent with one another.  I can’t imagine a life without him in it.

Now that I am fastly approaching “Singleville”  again and I have no desire what so ever in getting married.  It makes me wonder where that drive or desire, to be a Sadie came from? When I was young my Barbie’s ALWAYS got married (or they were getting ready to go on a date with the Ken she would eventually marry). I Loved movies like Grease and Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (can you tell I love musicals) because, I loved the endings.  The girl always rode off into the sunset (literally) with their man. Where I imagined, they got married, bought a house and had babies. I was in such a hurry to get hitched. I remember pushing my future husband and getting depressed thinking I  would never be good enough. I even put a date on my calendar and decided if he didn’t ask me before that date, I was going to leave him. Now I look at the situation and wonder WHY? Why was it SO important to get married? What really does that little piece of paper mean?  What was the rush?

Two people can love one another without being married.  They can be in a committed and supportive relationship, while living apart or together and actually NEVER get married. Do you think their love is some how less valid or honest because there is no license involved or a ceremony was never observed? I see now the stupidity in my thinking when I was younger. I see that I lost sight of what was important and that was our love for one another. I wonder if I would have walked away if he hadn’t of asked me by that magical date? If I had, would that have proven to me that it was not going to work out?

Morning After Bunco

Last night was another night of drunken debauchery  with my bunco ladies.  You would think after 7 years of playing bunco that I would have the sense not to over-eat or over-drink.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I get so inebriated that I tend to forget about any willpower I may need to NOT eat everything in sight.  My escapade in self torture and gluttony always lead to a “Morning After” that has me sick as a dog.  A headache from the excessive alcohol abuse and the feeling of wanting to vomit.   I usually foresee spending the better part of my day on the toilet.

Then I start the mental beat down, “Why?!! Why did you eat so much? Did you have to eat six brownies?  Did you have to have those last three shots?”  I sit for hours wondering what is wrong with me?  Why do I forget about all of my diet rules when I am at bunco?  It’s like I’m some kid in a candy store and I have $50.00 burning hole in my pocket.  I become obsessed with making sure I have sampled every fluid or solid that’s available, no matter what the consequences may be on my stomach or on my thighs.

As if the annihilation of self is not good enough, I then have to deflect my behavior on my friends.  It is suddenly their demon like behavior that brought such fat causing, vomit inducing items into my life.  ” I would never have eaten so badly if she didn’t make such amazing pastries!” or “well if she would stop bringing the cheesy garlic bread… then maybe I wouldn’t have to eat it!”  Because it so much easier to believe that my neurotic acts of over consumption are some how somebody else s fault.  Of course my friends don’t mind that I blame them for my misuse of their baked goods, because I don’t tell them about their fault in it all.  I just stay angry and bitter with them from a far and I don’t have to worry about them calling me out as the Whore for the Buffet that I am.

 

Oh well it’s just another day in LoLa-Land

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan