Candidate for Tomorrow

I would like to set some new rules for the public officials of America. I have decided that the laxidazical and re-election driven mentality that drives our public officials needs to stop. I work my ass off over 40+ hours a week for a job that I love, but that i always feel I should make more money to do. I live a moderate life, I don’t go on lavish vacations (Maui was a work trip), I don’t have expensive things in my home (I purchased my stereo in 1989), and I own two things that are “Name” Brands. Yet, I have barely enough money to make it month to month and I can NEVER seem to put any money in my savings. Why aren’t the people that i elect as my congress men or Senate woman working as hard as me? Why do they have so much time for what appears to be doing nothing but campaigning for themselves. I am desperately holding on to the middle class and yet it seems to be disappearing before my eyes.
What would happen if we made some changes to how people in office are actually put in office. What if there is no way to advertise. Each candidate has to fight their way in many even timed political debates. Where the questions are decide on by randomly picked schools minutes before the debates. Each candidate can have one equal size wright up in a book sent to every registered voter. These are the only ways they could make their agendas known. Any dinners, party’s, signage or fundraisers of any kind would be unlawful and the candidate will be asked to remove their name from the race.
Once in office these people will be expected to work no less than 30 hours a week to be able to qualify for their public provided insurance. They will make no more than a undergrad public teachers salary. Their children must attend the nearest public school to their home. This way we know that the public representative actually are aware and maybe care about what the general public may be worried about. We will hopefully have worthy candidates in both intelligence and eagerness because like a teacher no one will want the job unless they are truly hoping to make some change. There will be no recognition given to the public officials in currency other than their meager paycheck. But, upon completion of developing a new law or providing new community based service program their work will be announced in every news briefing threw out the following day.

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Dark Here

The Darkness here is unapproachable
Eventually you think you will begin to see
To try and make your way is noble
You can’t maneuver around all the atrocities

Try to shed some light
Try to bend your will
It could be quit a fight
Your fate may already be sealed

High School Returns

The craziest thing happened to me this week. I had my ex boyfriend contact me out of the blue. It has been months since we have seen each other or spoken to one another. I had heard through the grapevine that he was engaged. So when I saw his text pop up I responded, this was a big mistake. We texted back and forth over the day. He said he missed me and he wanted me to come see him. I told him I couldn’t and congratulations on the pending nuptials and he said he was no longer engaged. Then he asked me to come see him again. He still loves me and that he missed me. (Honestly I had heard it all before, just like I heard, “be Well” as he was walking out the door many times before. ). These simple, sweet, enduring texts went back and forth for a bit and then he was gone. (I figured he either had woman over or he was passed out)

At 10:00pm that night he texts me, (Saving the identity to protect the guilty) “……… Is engaged. Silly, Hu?”

Then

“Why would ……. Be contacting his ex if he is engaged?”

I pretty much knew at this point that it was his fiancé on the end and not him. I felt no loyalty to this man, he has hurt me far more than he has loved me. So, I answered her honestly. I told her the truth because even though this felt like high school I was not worried about a group of girls deciding they hated me or getting beat up. I just discovered that my Ex was STILL a low-life-lying-cheating jerk. It wasn’t like I was going to cover his ass. She was polite and thanked me for my time and that was it.

6:40 am I guess he woke up, and i can’t imagine what was going on. Maybe she left him? Maybe she stayed and said look at what your stupid ex wrote? Maybe they both had a great laugh at my expense? Who knows, I don’t really care either. What I do know is that the first words out of his mouth to me were, “you’re a douche”. Gone were the sweet enduring proclamations of his love. Gone were the begging texts to come join him.

Anyone I know would be highly upset by this entire situation. Whereas I found it all very expected and could almost call each play that was made, who needs a handbook? The only oddity for me was her contacting me. I wished she had asked me more questions than she did. I wish she had asked if he ever made any passes at me while they were together? I would have told her about June. I would have told her that he lied to me then too, and told me that they were broken up (as her shoes laid at me feet). He also told me his mother died, when she hadn’t. When all that failed he actually pulled down his pants exposing himself only to show me some pathetic little boy toy. (This I saw as my time to go). But she didn’t ask any of this and I didn’t tell.

As for him, after getting the douche text, I put him in his place very harshly. I believe there were several four letter words in there. His response to me was “fuck you fatty!” Which made me laugh outright for two reasons. One because I am in some of the best shape of my life. Two because it was obvious to me that he had no argument against me. So instead of attacking the argument he tried to attack me. I was glad when he finally stopped texting. I am quite sure he will leave me alone for a while. I will never know what she decided to do. But, considering how good he is in the honeymoon stage, I am sure he will win her back. I am just as sure that he will lose her again after that. Whatever happens I really hope he just leaves me out of it.

OH My

I am just slightly freaking out right now.  I found out today that I got a place to live!  I am so excited!  I can’t wait to finally have my own space, my own furniture, my own time, my own bills, my own weeding, my own cooking, shopping, repairs and taxes. (panicked now!)  Oh my god what have I gotten myself into?  I am so scared and so excited at the same time.  My body literally does not know whether to give me cramping and excessive poops or butterflies. (these being my regular responses to these two emotions).  Instead I am standing in one place, completely enable to move.   I have so very, very much to do!  I need to do my clients work, I need to pack for tomorrow and the next day, I need to pack up everything I own in the home I have had for 14 years.  But worse than all of that is trying to figure out what to pack and what to leave for my wasband.  We didn’t go over every single dish or pan and who would get what?  We didn’t discuss towels or blankets.  OH MY!!! so instead I am writing a pointless  blog post about how I can’t seem to do anything else.  Ok I really need to go back to what I was doing…. which was packing.  No I mean working.  More to come later, maybe in five minutes or maybe in a month when it is all over.  Wait and see

Dear Next one

Dear Next One,
I know where you are and who you think he is. I know you hear what you want too. That you probably close off your thoughts to those small irritating things that he does, the ones you try to ignore. I know you longed for those strong arms. All those nights you laid in your bed alone, scared,wishing someone would cloak you in security and keep you warm.
I know you have prayed for this perfect love. For that one man who would not only accept you the way you are; but, also be that man you dreamed of. The man who could care for not only you but for your kids as well. I know sweetheart I know!

I’m sure he probably has big plans. He has probably shared them all with you. He has probably even included you in his future dreams, right where you imagined you would be. Anywhere would be better than where you have been, any where is better than where you are now. You feel like you were on the bottom rung barley hanging on and he has helped keep your hands glued to that spot. He has saved you from the loneliness you thought would be your life. He has stopped you from falling.
But your wrong, I’m so sorry sweet girl but you are so very wrong. Please listen to those little things that bug you about him. Please be aware of the things he isn’t doing and to the things he isn’t saying. Try not to let that perfect body effect what you think you deserve. Try to remember when you weren’t afraid to speak your mind. Try to imagine what it would be like to be with a man who will actually let you have your way once in awhile. You may have been lonely before him, but do you remember when you used to know what was expected of you without fearing it? Do you remember being able to preform the simplest tasks without fearing how someone else would react to it. Do you remember? Unlike now when you wonder if your simplest, sweet, thoughtful actions will be taken out of context and turned into something ugly. Do you remember being able to feel and respond to a problem without fearing anyone’s leaving or anger?
Make sure to pay attention to the things he says to others. The little light he shed for them about you may not make you appear well. The conversations he’s having with woman behind your back may make you want to vomit. If you think he is faithful you need to know no, he isn’t! If you think he would never do that to you because he loves you, then you should know he said he loved me too. I’m also sure he loved his wife while he was cheating on her.

But more than all of this, please know that the fear you have of his anger is not unjustified. Though you may not have physically felt the backlash from it yet, you will. It will start slowly, so slow you won’t even realize that he may have wanted to hurt you. It may start as a game and he is just holding you down. Maybe it will be an accident, he won’t mean to have hit you, you just got in his way.
Please sweet new girl, I don’t know you at all but I know you and your child deserve better. I know that you are probably clueless to who he truly is. I know that you are probably only with him still because of that bottom rung. But that bottom rung is where he wants you to stay. Because it’s only while you are hanging down there that you are desperate enough to think that He is all you can get or deserve. But, you do deserve better, so very, very much better.
Good luck
LoLa

My Friend

I hold on to your secrets
I stay quiet about your lies
As your promises you forget
And you air out all of mine

What was it we said to each other
“Your secret is safe with me”
Now it seems silence is a bother
The door to your mouth has no key

I thought I just needed to be true to you
I thought we would always be friends
I hoped you would keep my secrets too
Now I see that friendships end

I took the time to care for you
I listened to your pain
I tried to help validate the lies you use
I Never judged you, lectured or shamed

I’ve always excepted who you are
I’ve always chosen to see the softer side
Now I wonder just who you are
Did my old friend run off and hide

Keep being yourself and standing by that
Keep preaching to others about your walk
My vision of you has changed to black
As I realize you don’t walk your talk

I’ll still keep your secrets close to my chest
Hurting you is not what I want
But my faith in you has been put to the test
you are not the person I thought,

My friend

Birthday again

My birthday is coming up again. (I keep thinking it will stop coming at some point and yet here again, as it has done every year I have been alive, it’s rolling around and over my face.) I usually let my birthday go by without much fan fare but this year I want a party!
I want that big obvious, over the top gathering. I want lighted signage and hoopla all in my honor! I want a marching band and a Fire twirler in a glitter bathing suit.
I don’t want to let another year squeeze by without acknowledging that it is yet again, a very special day!
So, I have called on all my friends both new and old, both young an older. I am calling on family and lovers both present and past, come one, come all to the celebration of my life thus far! Be a part of my joy! Be apart of the celebration of my birth and rejoice in my life. When we are done with all of the partying we can handle, I am in complete favor of taking a rest just long enough to get ready to celebrate your birth.

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She is Gone

It’s been so long since she was here
Her calendar is set for the month before
Why she ran away is not clear
She has no idea what is in store

Her food will not be made for her
Her clothes will not be washed
We’ll pray that she stays pure
As our dreams for her are squashed

We saw her becoming a doctor
Saving lives and helping people
We saw her flying helicopters
Our hopes now seem so feeble

We hoped she’d be athletic
We dreamed of her as a winner
Winning marathons or the Olympics
Now we just hope she gets dinner

Where do she lay her head at night
Where do you use a bathroom
What if she gets hurt, can she fight
Our questions about her loom

We’ll worry for her safety often
Well hope she’s found a home
We never want to see her in a coffin
We’ll pray, she’ll continue to roam

Where ever she is, who ever she may be
There is one thing we both know
To have her back is all we need
Our love for her will continue to grow

I’m Learning

I’m learning I am stronger than I knew
I am happy to shine, no need to feel blue
I see a future made of something new
I am capable of doing what I want to do
I will no longer let things fester or stew
I was blinded before, I had no clue
I will no longer wait for my life to ensue
I’ve learned I have no use for you

Weird Dreams

I remembered my dreams last night.  I never remember my dreams.  There were two in particular that stuck with me.  The dreams  seemed so incredibly real, that I was still dealing with the emotional fallout when I woke up.  In one dream I was at some gathering with my Ex Boyfriend and we were talking as friends.  But, all night there was a bantering and flirting between us.  We kept rallying an “almost kiss”  back and forth.  One of us looking at the other with that “I’m going to get you” look, while the other would back away.  Finally it was me who did the full lunge for a kiss and he backed way back and whispered, “I’m still with her”.  I instantly recoiled and then the dream ended.  I remember feeling a bit sad  and confused when I woke up.   I didn’t know why I would dream of him suddenly?  I didn’t know why I would want a kiss?  Ultimately I think it had less to do with either of those issues; but rather the issue of never being available.   When he whispered what he said I was more frustrated then before, that was the trigger moment in my dream.   When we were together I never felt like he gave us a real chance.

The second dream had to do with my brother, who is handicapped and living in a home.  I dreamt that he was locked in a bathroom that had piles of shit and piss all over the floor, and he was stuck on the toilet in the middle of it all.  It looked much like his room at the care facility he lives in.  The room was narrow with a TV, cupboards and a window at the end.  I was very upset to see this and instantly became enraged,  I said, “How long have you been in here?”

He replied, “I don’t know”

I ended up going into this entire wild goose chase trying to get a wheel chair from the, “suddenly” evil people who lived in the home.   That process felt like it took forever, but I finally got the chair and was able to get him out of the nasty bathroom.  I literally was kicking piles of human crap out of my way to get his wheelchair in the narrow room.  Finally I got him out of there and then my dream ended.  I felt very irritated about the situation.  I was disgusted for my brother and felt sorry for him aswell.  I was angry I couldn’t do more about the situation.  This dream is clear to me,  I feel like my brother has a shit life and it’s very hard for me to do anything about it.

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan