Drive Safely

Drive Safely back to your life
Please just take your time
You will soon see your son and wife
Everything will end up fine

Drive Safely back to yourself
Make sure you end up where you want to be
Please don’t harm anyone else
Stop yourself before things get ugly

Drive Safely away from here
This place you swore you wanted to live
I guess your wants weren’t that clear
Or did you just want more than I could give

Drive Safely to that next step
Please try to make better decisions
This may be as good as it gets
Rainbows may sometimes color your vision

Drive Safely please around bends and turns
Try to for-see what may be coming
Don’t stop trying to seek what your heart yearns
Don’t settle down, but stop running

Drive safely towards your past
Reaching out for the ones you left behind
Please try not to drive too fast
Remember the bumper sticker, “Be Kind”

Drive Safely away from me
Your love for me left long ago
This has been a waste of my energy
A constant challenge to feed your ego

Drive Safely back to things you didn’t want
They will love you even still
Hopefully you will feel all of what you forgot
Your heart will be fulfilled

Drive safely please and take care
I will hope only the best for you
There’s a lesson in “Us” as a pair
What it is, I wish I knew.

Single Day #16

I’m a bit melancholy tonight. I spent some time with the ex because we worked out a trade and he is helping me with repairs to my house. It was weird being around him. It’s weird to be around someone you are so close to one day and then a week later you are barely even speaking to each other.

I found myself wanting to hug on him at times. Then at times I was literally pushing back tears. Our relationship was so fleeting and yet so powerful at the same time. It’s so easy in hind sight to see where the cracks were in the relationship. Sometimes you can even see how you could have fixed it. I see ways I could fix things between he and I. And I wonder what could have been if we would have waited for one another or if we had met later in life?

Now all I feel is this sense, that any future we ever could have had was obliterated by our past actions. I have never in my life had such an intense relationship with someone for such a short period of time. Most people I loved that deeply have either never left or they stayed a few years at least.

I fell for him so hard, and so fast! I don’t see myself ever doing that again.
I will always love him. I miss parts of us and who we were together. But, I am very happy to be single. I am pretty relaxed all the time now. There is very little drama in my world. I have to just keep moving forward. I wish us both well, where ever we may end up.

Keep your love to Yourself

You can keep your love to yourself
You can hold it all in and be strong
You can be happier all by yourself
If it’s how you feel, it can’t be wrong

Whats your way of expressing your love
How do you let the ones you care about know
They may tell you, it’s you they love
But would you let your love for them show

chorus
And he says,
“I told you before that I loved you
You didn’t believe me that I did
I’m sorry my words weren’t good enough
I wont be saying them again”

If I love you then you know it
Because I will tell you time and again
If I love you I will easily admit it
Not too ashamed to feel less in the end

If you brake my heart and lie to me
You could see where I would doubt
That things you may have said to me
Would be lacking a bit of clout

choras
And he says,
“I told you before that I loved you
You didn’t believe me that I did
I’m sorry my words weren’t good enough
I wont be saying them again”

Light soft songstress style
“Keep your love to yourself”

I won’t stop telling you I love you
No matter what you may not say
For me it’s not about controlling you
Or just having it my own way

I could never shut off the way I feel
Not For you or for anyone else
I will always say everything I feel
While you keep your love to yourself

chorus
And he says,
“I told you before that I loved you
You didn’t believe me that I did
I’m sorry my words weren’t good enough
I wont be saying them again”

Light soft songstress style
“Keep your love to yourself”

You can keep your love to yourself
Because you said you loved me before
Before the lies you told me and yourself
How can you doubt why I don’t believe you anymore?

Single Heights

Shoes

For another “single LoLa” act, Saturday night, I decided to throw caution to the wind and wear these incredibly sexy red heals that I purchased a few weeks back. I have loved these heals for years but I figured I would kill myself or at the very least break something if I ever tried to wear them.
Well I decided I need to take chances more and this was going to be one of them. I threw on my booty jeans, my tight red shirt, my sexy eyes, my new wig (yes that’s right I said new wig! Another thing I have wanted to do for years and haven’t had the balls to do it) and finally my brand new sexy super high red heals. Then off I went to one of our local dive bars to meet up with some of my ladies.
I cannot tell you how happy I was that I had a wig on. I was trying desperately NOT to fall all night! There was very little for me to balance on, I was very unsteady. I was using the walls and my friends to help keep me vertical. It was so sad it was funny, or so funny it was sad?
Being that tall was a weird thing. I hate being taller than the men I date. And that Night I towered over 95% of the people there. At one point I was standing in the back corner of the bar and I could see perfectly across the room to the entrance and see EVERYONE who walked in the bar. It didn’t matter how many people stood between me and the door I could see above most of their heads. It was the weirdest sensation, I felt like I was looking down at everyone.
Lots of other weird things were happening while I was wearing the heals. The toilets were all made for dwarfs they were so short suddenly, my knees shot up over my hips. Door handles were not at natural arms length. Now they were about three or four inches lower. The bar stool seats that I normally jump up into, I was able to sit down into. I am not sure about this one, but I swear the air was thinner up there.
I had a great time with my friends and I am very glad I wore the heals. I didn’t fall which is the best part. On the funny side, I found no interest in anyone there; all of the men were SO SHORT!

Anyway just another night in LoLa-Land

Heading down the wrong road

Do you ever actually see yourself heading down the wrong path? You want to administer the brakes and yet you can’t seem to stop yourself? Maybe it’s a vice you can’t seem to get away from. Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, chocolate, sex, gambling, it maybe all of the above? Maybe you tried to quit your vice before and you failed? Maybe you succeeded in not walking down the path for awhile and went back?
When you see yourself skipping back into your old habits how can you stop yourself?

Single fears.

I sleep horribly these days. I feel like I toss and turn all night. It takes me forever to get to sleep and then I wake up from various reasons. I have had allergies, dogs, kids playing, trucks backing up, all wake me up. But mostly it’s my stress and thoughts that wake me up in the early morning hours.
I think it’s work stress for the most part. I worry about my financial stability all the time. I have no one to depend on for financial support. Not that I should, I am an adult.
I need to be responsible for my own life, I know, I get it. Ever since the wasband and I split I have had the cold realization that there is no more buffer between me and the “fit hitting the Shan”.
Big Red was woken up a lot by my tossing and turning. He would say I would moan or whimper like I was really upset about something. He would have to grab me up in his arms and hold on tight to me until I calmed down. I of course had no idea this was happening to me as I slept. I just know that I would and still do wake up with bags under my eyes, wether I sleep a long time or not.

Oh well I am hoping that I get used to my new situation. I hope I can gain the trust I need deep down, to know that everything will always work out. I know deep down that I will be just fine. Now it’s a matter of letting my sub conscious know it.

Oh well just another Night in LoLa land!

LoLa

He said,
“I will be there in one hour.
You are to put on a bra and panties and wait for me in your room. You will leave the door unlocked for me. I will come inside and go upstairs. I expect to see you waiting on your knees, wearing a blindfold. You do not speak unless spoken to.
I will be there soon, you will be ready.”

She knew she didn’t have enough time to look as good as he wanted her too. She knew the only way to really go along with him she would have to do something different? Something he wasn’t expecting. Time was of the essence. It was the end of a long tiring work day. The mechanics at her Shop were in rare form today, with all their sexual innuendos. As tired and frustrated as she was with work, his text just threw her into a tail spin. She would only have a small window before she would have to go pick up her kids from the sitters. She couldn’t possibly become the glamorous sexual diva that he was expecting. The black thigh highs and garter belt are still in the laundry. Some of her eyelash extensions were missing still. Then it occurred to her,
” I could play off trashy really well”. With that she drove a bit faster. She was suddenly very eager to get home.

Ex Dream

I had the weirdest dream about my ex last night (or rather this morning). I dreamt he was at my work for some reason. So, I tried to stay clear of him. But he seemed to be everywhere I needed to go. I was getting really irritated I just couldn’t have my space. At one point I walked into my office and my entire staff was standing near the door all talking work, like nothing was going on. Like they didn’t see him at all and he was standing in the alcove behind my desk full on making out with some really skinny bleached blond.
At this point I was done with him being in my space. I charged through the crowd of co-workers and kind of pushed / nudged them to get their attention. At the same time I started yelling, ” really!? Do you need to throw it in my face that you met someone else! Get the fuck out of here!”
They stopped kissing while I was yelling and looked at me and I was so takin back by what I saw, that I actually stopped yelling and took a step back.
The bleached blonde was probably the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life. She looked like a crack head who hadn’t been to the dentist in 29 years. Her nose was huge, her cheeks were gaunt, she looked like she had no idea what food was. I was actually repulsed that he would put his lips on her.
Even more disturbing than her, was my ex. He looked at me and I could barley recognize him. He had two mustaches. One was a normal one and one was long a curly and they both sat across his nose instead of under it. I don’t know how he could see past the hair? If I didn’t know the leather coat he had on. I probably wouldn’t have recognized him. I was scared by what I saw he looked like an animal almost.
I woke up right then, feeling really freaked out.
I’m going to have to analyze this one a bit.
Here is what I think some of it means.
Him being at my work and in my space was a reflection of feeling like he was suffocating me by just always being in my space.
I think the mustache is evident of a number of things, That he put on a mask with me, he couldn’t see what he really had.
He hurt me and let go of me because he couldn’t see my love for him.
He was putting on a facade with me and this person i saw in my dream was the real big red?
I don’t know?
Dreams are a trip.

Taking a chance

Today a co-worker asked me if I wanted to go see a concert tonight. Normally I would say “Aw thanks, but I have to work tonight” (which I did) and that would have been the end of that. But, today I am single and even though;  YES technically, I should have come home and got some work done… How often is it someone offers you a ticket to a concert? I had never heard of the singer, I had no idea where we were going or when we would be home; and I didn’t care. This is what I wanted to do right? Try new things? Have new experiences? Well..? So I say…

“OK!” and then i say to my boss who overheard us making plans, “I’m going to be in late tomorrow.”

So at 7:30 tonight (Last night officially) I was all ready to go in my sexy boots and my Booty Jeans. We drove to the Castro district in San Francisco, to catch a Iceland singer by the name of Asgeir Trausti. (Don’t ask me how to pronounce it, but hearing him say his own name almost put me in heat.)  When we got to the city it took awhile to find parking (of course). But, finally we were successful and started strutting down the hill to Market street. We went about four blocks when my friend realized we were going the wrong way. So, we turn around to head back UP the hill. We finally make it to market and go left then we realize we are again going the wrong way. At this point I am happy that I wore jeans and boots over a dress and heals.

We finally make it to the club laughing at ourselves for being so retarded with our whereabouts. Then to make matters even funnier, I fell again. On a street corner on one of those bright yellow, bumpy plastic ground covers they are putting everywhere.  (This was the only time  I thought about my ex during the entire evening. Because he told me once how much those stupid things cost and how you legally have to have them.) I stepped down on it, with my smooth bottom boots and it had been raining. My foot just slid over all the bumps away from me until I was down on my right knee! Sexy Hu? Anyway, I pushed off from my knee  and shot back up, like the pro-faller that I am. My friend started laughing and said, “that was the most graceful fall I have ever seen.”
To which I replied, “I know, I’m a pro!”

The band was amazing and the singer was sexy as all get out. I was in a state of aw as I watched him sing. The music whether in English or in his native tongue was both sexy and sad, but so very beautiful.

Asgeir Trausti

We had the best time listening to him.  But, being it is a Tuesday night when the concert was over, (Which was quick because the band ran out of songs), we headed back to the car.  We walked down Market about three blocks and then made a left. We walked down the hill another 4 blocks and realized we had no idea where the car was. So, we turned left and went back towards the club for about three blocks. Then we turned right and we up all the way to Market and ended up about a block away from the club. This is when my friend started to get a bit nervous. (At this point my sexy boots are killing me and so is my knee from the fall). We turn right on Market going the way we first walked but this time we turned right at the first block, walk down the hill two blocks and still no car! Mind you we are passing sleeping homeless people in every doorway. Finally we go another block over and two more down and we FOUND the car. We had actually walked over the street it was on twice already.

All in all, I would definitely say I had an adventure and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Next time I plan on leaving some sort of car GPS for the car so we can track its whereabouts easier. But, I did have an absolute blast tonight and I am so glad I went. I laughed so much, I don’t mind the sore feet and throbbing knee. so far, the whole “taking chances”  part of being single is working out pretty well.
Just another night in Single LoLa-Land!

Single Sadness

Alone, Alone, Alone! I am finally here in the place that I so longed for the past several years. I am in my own home with my own time and I am just wondering…. Now what?

I have been a bundle of anger and sadness today. I texted the ex to tell him what the results were on my biopsy and he apparently doesn’t care enough to respond. That hurts me so bad, yet again. I don’t know why I would think he would care? I don’t know why I want him to care.

I think it would be easier if I believed he actually did love me. That I wasn’t just a rebound for him. I hoped that all the sweet romantic sonnets that he sent me every morning were filled with truth. Instead it seems to be more sweet words to catch me. Was there ever meaning or heart in any of it? I feel so very silly for falling as hard as I did for him.

I have feared since the day I started hanging with my single friends that I would end up jaded. It seems to me that maybe I need to be. My mom warned me the other day that my ability to give people 100% of myself was a great quality to have. But, that when it comes to men I need to hold back until I have really gotten to know them. I hate this idea. I hate the idea of holding back a piece of myself for anything or anyone. And yet, recently I have contemplated closing down my blog and I never thought that would be a choice I would make. I hated the pain my blog caused my ex. This blog was never meant to bring others pain. It has only ever been meant for me to release pieces of myself. I have always seen it as a way to get things off my chest. I even had second thought about expressing the pain I have had today, because I didn’t want him to have the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me and is still hurting me. But, then that would be me censoring myself for him, AGAIN!

So, I’m processing… I’m trying. I beat the shit out of my nephews pinata today, (He turned one, he didn’t care) and it felt so good. I am just going to try and keep breathing deeply. I know that I don’t need his love to get by.

Oh well Just another day in Single LoLa-Land

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan