Walking Away

I have been thinking about how far away my ex boyfriends are. Both of them are literally FAR away geographically. But, I am speaking in terms more of how far out of my heart they now are. I have always been one of those people who hold onto others for dear life. I think this is why I have so very many wonderful friends. I have a very hard time letting go of people, especially ones that I have been intimate with. It bugs the shit out of me when my loved ones get upset with me and instead of talking to me about it, they just leave. For me someone has to be very cruel and hurtful before I even think about leaving.
I have noticed a phenomenon within myself the last couple of years that is perplexing me. I have found myself not fighting so hard to maintain my relationships with people who may be mad at me and walk away. I have found that unlike before, my brain does not become monopolized with thoughts of the ex boyfriend or ex friends. Whereas before I would have been riddled with ways to solve or fix the relationship. Now I find myself, saying “as you wish” and then excepting them walking away. I barely think of my ex boyfriends anymore. When I do it is usually because something I see or experience reminds me of them and they briefly cross my mind. I feel like the life I shared with them is not even a distant memory. It feels more like a they were boyfriends of mine in college.  recently i discovered that one of them has actually gotten married and a friend called me all worried, “are you ok?”  she asked.  I had to laugh because the idea of him being off the market had absolutely no effect on me in way.  If anything I was happy for him.  I hoped he is sober for her.  I hoped he is now happy and healthy and it stopped there.

Why am I suddenly able to let people go? Is this because I am too busy to care? Is this because I am maturing in my old age and I realize that I can not make everyone else’s  issues my issue? Is it because I feel like if someones is truly my friend or in love with me that they would never leave me?   Maybe i just realize that i have limited amounts of energy for this kind of bullshit and i can’t always be the one to try and fix problems between me and others.  And that sometimes though these problems may effect me and my relationships with loved ones I need to except that the problems between us may not even be mine to solve but rather theirs.

i wish all my loved ones well.  i wish all my ex friends and lovers well.  I am glad they are not in my life if they don’t want to be and I am so very thankful that i don’t feel the need to rake my brain with the questions of WHY.

just another day in LoLa-land



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Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan