Lifting My Shroud

Don’t mistake this shroud around me as a cover for who I really am
It is merely a way for me to silence my world that seems almost out of hand

You assume you have no idea who I am because I cover myself at night
You seem to think that closing my eyes would stop my brain from taking flight

Don’t take my silence as checking out from my personality
When it is obvious to me that silence within me is exactly what I need

What makes you think things would be better if I never took this space
At times a shroud is all I need to stop from screaming in your face

You seem perplexed that I shed so many tears
can’t you see I shroud my anger, my sadness and my fears

Don’t waste your time trying to change me in to what you think I should be
I will do what I want to do until I am ready to see a change in me.

Don’t spin reality into something more than it really is because it works for you
My reality is far different and the outcome may be worse if you do

Welcome to the Naked 40’s

This birthday has had a very interesting theme. I don’t really need anything. Well nothing my friends could afford to get me. But, I love to have new experiences, I believe my amazing friends figured this out and decided to bring me just that. funny thing is they all seemed to revolve around nudity.

I threw myself my own 40th birthday party. Since most of my friends have also tuning 40 this year, it has been a very expensive year due to all the parties. Every couple weeks I have been celebrating someone else’s 40th birthday, I wanted my birthday to be different. So, I made it old school and did a slumber party.

During my party my ladies had a plan that was a total surprise to me. They had a stripper come to my house and acted like a cop to freak me out. I was shocked he was a stripper he and my girls totally fooled me. I have been to strip clubs but I have never been the main person that a stripper is there to preform for. I have also never heard of a stripper doing the full Monty but this one sure did. I was so scared. I didn’t want to do anything that would upset my boyfriend and I didn’t know what this guy was going to do. I must of had his bare naked ass in my face about 30 times in an hour. I was also extremely embarrassed but having a blast. I was trying not to make a big deal out of the fact that I got a man for my birthday. It was a really funny night. The man was beautiful and was very strong, as he had me and every single one of my friends up in the air at some point. I loved it and at the same time I was so glad when it was over. My favorite part was the fact that I had never had a stripper before and how cool was it to experience having a man dance for me naked, in celebration of my 40th year of birth?

Then the next day my man and I traveled down the California coast line looking for the perfect beach. We stopped a few times and saw some beautiful beaches. But the prettiest one was actually across a dangerous road, down 150 wooden steps and around a rocky cove. It had the prettiest stretch of golden soft sand. It had teal blue waters that made form into some huge waves. Surrounding all if this beauty was a steep rocky cliff that had different colored succulents covering its tall side. Dark browns and lush greens covered the walls that surrounded us. There were few people on this beach, because it was kind of a excluded and most of the people were naked.
Holly shit, here I go again second day in a row looking at other peoples junk. I had never been to a nude beach before but I have always wanted to go. I figured it would be fun to see all the different body types and maybe it would even turn me on. I knew I would not be uncomfortable and as it turned out, I wasn’t. I never thought I would join them in nakedness but I figured, I am 40 now and no where near home, why the hell not?

I was surprised I was willing to undress. When I got there I was in no way shape of form going to take my clothes off. But I was very comfortable there. Why was I more comfortable in front of a bunch of naked people (mostly men) vs. just one naked man where I Am fully dressed? I think it comes down to the sex factor, I was comfortable being naked in the hot sun. I felt prettier naked then I did in a tight bra and yoga pants. It was natural and everyone around me was the same. With the stripper I felt all this sexual pressure. Like I was supposed to appear turned on. I had someone using their natural physicalness to try and arouse me in front of my friends. At the beach there was no sexual energy being pushed on me. Yes I saw men looking at me and yet I felt they were only admiring my form rather than trying to rub up against it. Maybe it’s about our physical space? Is our comfort level determined by our personal space and how comfortable we may feel with in it? Or was my comfort level more affected by the sexual aspect of what i was experiencing? I don’t know? What I do know is I have seen A whole lot of penises for one weekend.

But you know what I say,
It’s just another day in LoLa-land

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We Had A Deal

I thought we had worked out the parameters.
Taking into consideration what each of us needed
For me it was sort of a plan for the future
A set of guidelines so our plans weren’t in impeded.

We said we would stay faithful
We said we would love and respect
We said we would be truthful
We said we would give up the rest

They were simple requests to keep us happy
Little promises to keep us sane
Like discussing issues before we leave
Or just talking about our pain

We said we would be open about every thing
Letting anything uncomfortable to the other be known
There would be no hanky-panky or a sexual fling
There would be no flirting and no sexting on the phone

I thought we had ourselves a deal
Without the need for paper or a ring
I thought we decided to keep it real
But all that we promised is not happening

You can call it jealousy
Say my issues are the root
You would feel the same as me
If the shoe were on the other foot

If I didn’t mention any of the calls
If I didn’t tell you about any of the texts
Would the relationship start to pit-fall
Would it be strong enough to pass the test

It seems your hell bent to see what our relationship can handle
I think you prefer to keep me on my toes
The interpretation of our deal is flickering like a candle
As The hostility between us begins to grow

This is not a normal feeling for me
I try to stay open about how I feel
But the unfairness displays as jealousy
Because you haven’t kept your part of our deal

Snake Crossing

This year on my birthday I spent some time treating myself to some much needed TLC. I first had an acupuncture treatment, and then I took a mud bath, which I finished up with 75 minute Swedish massage. My body was so relaxed all day I had very little worry or stress even when I had 10 drunken women in my place later that night.

On the way to my private Bogota, where my massage was being administered I was walking down some dirt steps formed out of the side of a hill, watching the steps my masseuse took as I followed her. As she stepped forward off one step I saw what looked like a bright green twig under her rising foot. As I was about to step onto this beautifully colored tree limb it moved and I saw this glimpse of brilliant red appear from under it.
I stopped my step instantly and settled back on to the step I was just leaving. Without my impending foot in the way I was able to see where the wonderful colors were coming from. It was a snake.
There it sat, it was a bright green with a brilliant red underbelly and mouth all coiled up. The snake and I just starred at each other for about 30 seconds. I was Entranced by its beauty, I wanted to get closer to it by squatting down but I had no idea if it was poisonous or not.

I then brought the snake to my masseuse’s attention. She had practically stepped on it and didn’t even see it. As I walked around the snake to the right and it slithered off to the left the masseuse said,
“What a wonderful gift to be given on your birthday”
“Hu”? I replied confused.
“To be given the knowledge of a totem animal on your birthday is very special and a snake is very telling. A snake is a sign if being grounded and of rebirth. A sign that you have or are about to shed your skin and become something new. You are essentially being reborn or just have. Congratulations that’s amazing” she responds all happy.

I didn’t really know what to say. I never thought a snake would be a special animal for me and yet I felt something when it and I starred at each other. I had no intentions if screaming or killing it. I wanted to pick it up and take it with me. I was sad to see it go and yet I was so happy to be able to see such a thing of beauty. The masseuse made me wonder, “I have changed so much in my life I feel I have already had the rebirth she speaks of and yet I feel I am still not done coming into my own. Was that sighting as significant as she felt? Will there be even more change for me? When I’m finally done, will I be as beautiful as that wonderful snake?”

Birthday blues

I’m trying really hard to fight off my typical yearly Birthday Blues. I am doing everything I can to look at the brighter side of things and not get bogged down on what it isn’t. I know I have discussed this before on my blog, I seriously would love a parade in my honor. It should actually add that to my bucket list.
44- must have parade in honor of… Me.

I am not one of those people who likes to let their birthday slide by without anyone noticing. I do not despise public embarrassment or celebratory songs being sung loudly for me. I am one of those people that wears a pin that says “it’s my birthday!” Or a tiara. I want strangers to acknowledge what a great day it is. (Giggle)

I have quite literally had a week of gifts and flowers and happy birthdays and my birthday has yet to arrive. I’m speeding up to it like a freight train with no brakes but I am still officially only 39. All of the momentous and flowers have been so wonderful and it’s great to feel like its your special day, day after day, after day (Giggle again). Because of this wave of constant love the birthday blues have managed to stay at bay. I am hoping the big day stays the same as the rest of my week has; and, that at no point do I start to feel frustrated with myself.

Like I said, I am going to try and keep my spirits high and my expectations low. I am going to be thankful and joyful. And I am going to try very hard to stay present in each and every moment and enjoy them all for exactly what they will be, wonderful.

Wish me luck!

When Is A Sign Necessary

There has been a recent addition to the signage in my apartments pool area that I find fascinating. There has always been the normal signs, “no running! No diving! No drinking! No smoking” basically NO FUN. I understand though because it is not a private pool area. The owners have to consider the safety of all the tenants young and old. So, of course I frown at the normal signs and yet still obey them. But this new sign… The new sign makes me want to disobey it.

The new sign reads as such,
” please do not use the Hot tub if you are experiencing diarrhea or have had diarrhea within the last two weeks”.

OK, if you have been a follower of my blog for awhile, then you will know that this sign is just driving me to ask more questions. Let’s start with the obvious, Really?!?! We need a sign for this? Isin’t that just common sense? Did something happen in the pool or hot tub that brought this sign to reality? Did someone have an accident? Because if someone just had an accident, well it’s really gross but, these types of accidents do happen. Or did someone willingly get into the hot tub knowing they had diarrhea and hoped the near boiling hot water would some how ease their tummy? Or was someone using the hot tub because they were looking for a high pressure wash to rinse out their bum?
Still with all these question plaguing me I wonder again, “even if it was a stupid person who thought it was ok to soak with the runs, did they really need a sign?” Could they not tell the person that this was just not acceptable public pool etiquette? Or did someone poop in the hot tub and the owners tried to make the person pay for clean up? Was there a law suit? Did a jury determine that because there was no sign posted about not being able to shit in the pool, that it was some how allowed?
I wonder ” maybe this is some new California state law”, that this sign must be posted next to all public bodies of water? I thought, “maybe I’ll see it at my friends apartments pool house?” and yet when I went there, I saw no new sign. Did more than one person shit in the hot tub? Is that why we have a sign?

Maybe nothing happened? Maybe they are just covering their butts (pardon the pun) making sure that they don’t have to pay for cleanup if it does happen? Maybe they actually have their eyes on a suspicious tenant who appears to have leaky butt? I don’t know the answers and yet still these questions invade my thoughts. Do I want to go hot tubbing while I am riddled with lose stools, just because? NO.
But my boyfriend and I have the best time interviewing anyone who wishes to join us in our “shared heated liquid sanctuary of bliss and hopefully no shit”, about their bowel movements for the last two weeks. We tell them, “We must make sure we could trust that you will stay within the guidelines made for you by my landlord? Can you promise not to shit in the tub?”

Just another (weird) day in LoLa-Land

What’s your Preference?

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I posted this picture of this girl who was used as a advertisement on my Facebook page for some woman’s magazine. They were promoting a diet they had published and how this woman lost 23 lbs doing the diet. I found the woman really beautiful in both pictures but I personally find her prettier before she lost the weight and I found it odd that the magazine felt her current look was so nice they should use it in an advertisement.

I posted this picture on my page with the question of “what picture do you think is prettier?” And I got a large number of responses. Every single one of them felt that the picture on the left (the heavier one) was the better looking one, then the one on the right. I had one friend respond that he felt the skinnier version of this girl was more appealing then the heavier version.

There is one glaring difference between this particular friend and all the others who replied, he is from Sweden and everyone else was born in America. I have not yet had the chance to travel the world but I have read many times that most other countries find Americans to be fat. Do my friends and I feel this woman’s heavier frame is more attractive because that is what we are used to? Have Americans become conditioned to a finding a larger frame attractive? If I were to post this picture to a number or Europeans would the majority consider the skinnier picture the hotter look?
Who’s to say which look is better? Doctors would probably argue that her skinnier frame is the healthier one because of our Body Mass index. But others would say that you can see she is healthier in the heavier picture by looking at the fullness and healthiness of her hair.
Again I will say I think this woman is very attractive and that in either picture she looks great. But, If I had a choice I’d stay at the heavier weight and if I was into woman I’d rather rub up to that body too.
Just another day in LoLa-Land

Minutes

It feels like all of my life is just made up of minutes,
The painful minutes it took my mom to bring me into this world
The countless minutes I spent in school
The Torturous minutes spent being beat by my brother
The boring minutes I waited in my dad’s truck for him
The agonizing minutes I wished for love to come to me
The heart breaking minutes it took before love left again
The amazing orgasmic minutes that I want more of
The desperate minutes spent crying for lost loved ones
The in-ornament amount of minutes spent letting out loud jolly laughter
The beautiful minutes I spent madly in love
The stuffed minutes from eating too much in one meal
The far less minutes feeling hungry, which I am thankful for
The never ending enormous amount of minutes filled with joy and bliss from a generally happy life.
But truly I am just so thankful to admit that in every single minute of my life I have felt loved. Even if I felt my entire family hated me, even if all my friends weren’t talking to me or I was just emotional, I have always had Someone to lean on. There has never been a minute that has passed where I didn’t know in my deepest of my core that someone in this world loved me.
That’s just a nice thought
Just another day…. actually.. just another 1440 minutes in LoLa-Land

Trust

I have such a hard time trusting men. Hell I trust strangers, even strange men more than I trust a lover or a boyfriend. (Of course I would never give a stranger as much rope for which to hang me from, like I do a lover, so we need to consider that.) I am dealing with some jealousy and trust issues (again) in my relationship and I wonder WHY? Is this my lesson in this life? Something about trust and not letting fear invoke feelings of jealousy and suspicion? However, before I call myself insecure or determine that I am just being irrational I want to note that I see a pattern in my life that would cause such feelings in me,
Lets lay it out-

My biological father – Gave my mom full custody of me and my brother when I was 1, but refused to give her our home we lived in. Then found very little time or money to give to us growing up. (but he had the money for the hobby-cat)
Step dad #1- Molested me, that distrust is pretty self explanatory and very well rooted
Step Dad #2 – (Whom I respect) turned to me at the ripe old age of 14 and says, “ALL MEN CHEAT”
My First time having real sex, was a date rape, I was 15 and he was 22 (I guess statutory rape too)
My first boyfriend cheated on my with another girl
My first (romantic) love – lied to me about the fact that he was breaking into cars and cutting school for years.
My college boyfriend lied to me about his secret drug addiction and said he was with someone else instead of admitting he was high.. who knows maybe he was doing both?
My ex-husband lied to me all the time about random stupid things to avoid having to listen to me and still does.
My first boyfriend I had after my divorce, flirted with three other woman while we were together and tried to get them all to come over and have sex with him. What actually happened, I don’t know. But I know he tried to cheat on his last girlfriend with me, so I am sure he would have cheated, if he could have.
My last boyfriend – lied to me about his marital status and then cheated on me.
And I have had three instances of men I was attracted to using me in some physical way to steal from me or my family.

So I wonder….After all of this, HOW DOES ONE LEARN TO TRUST A MAN?

Let me know if you come up with something because sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off as a lesbian in this life. Then again if my lesson this time around really is about trust then one could argue that even as a lesbian I would fall into these types of issues with woman. Looking back at my own track record I know that I to have not been a beacon of perfection with my lovers. I mean I have to admit to my own faults as well right?

How does one learn to trust when distrust is so deeply rooted? Don’t get me wrong I am not trying to blame my past for my current malfunctions. But I do see where they contribute to my irrational thoughts or behavior. But how do we stop ourselves from irrational thoughts or suspicions when the past has proven to us time and time again that we WILL get hurt? Knowing this why do we continually dive into this shark infested body water of love?

Love and Pain

Today I dealt with the outcome of being verbal about my feelings on the world wide web and it hurt someone I love. I am not sorry for what I said but I am sorry for the outcome (Again… Insert foot now). Theres no need to get into the basics but I was feeling like my family was being threatened and I don’t handle that with very much decorum.
Two people were involved in causing this uproar in my heart around my loved ones and one of them is a member of my family. I lashed out at the person who I am not as close with and let my loved one just slide by. Now I am sitting here feeling perplexed because i feel bad that I brought pain to others (I hate that) and I am also starting to feel a lot more anger than I am comfortable with, for my family member. Which in turn makes me think about love and pain in general.

I’m well aware of how easy it is to turn our anger towards the people we don’t love. Look at all the couples where one cheats and the other person upon finding out wants to go “get” the person their lover cheated on them with. Why? its not like this other person was cheating. It’s like we simply can’t handle the pain or maybe we just don’t want to believe that someone we love could hurt us so badly? But the pain loved ones inflict lasts longer, doesn’t it? It’s as if being stabbed by a butter knife vs a sword. The pain we experience from a stranger may sting or hurt, but the pain we are inflicted by a loved one can destroy us.

Is it that we simply don’t want to accept that someone we trust with our hearts would be willing or able to hurt it? Is the expression “you always hurt the ones you love the most” come from hurting loved ones more because you know they love you and no matter how much of an ass you are they will always be there for you or does it mean, that when you hurt someone who loves you it has the potential to rip them to shreds, thereby being the worst kind of pain? I always thought it was the first description but now I am staring to wonder.
Just another day in LoLa-Land

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan