I have such a hard time trusting men. Hell I trust strangers, even strange men more than I trust a lover or a boyfriend. (Of course I would never give a stranger as much rope for which to hang me from, like I do a lover, so we need to consider that.) I am dealing with some jealousy and trust issues (again) in my relationship and I wonder WHY? Is this my lesson in this life? Something about trust and not letting fear invoke feelings of jealousy and suspicion? However, before I call myself insecure or determine that I am just being irrational I want to note that I see a pattern in my life that would cause such feelings in me,
Lets lay it out-

My biological father – Gave my mom full custody of me and my brother when I was 1, but refused to give her our home we lived in. Then found very little time or money to give to us growing up. (but he had the money for the hobby-cat)
Step dad #1- Molested me, that distrust is pretty self explanatory and very well rooted
Step Dad #2 – (Whom I respect) turned to me at the ripe old age of 14 and says, “ALL MEN CHEAT”
My First time having real sex, was a date rape, I was 15 and he was 22 (I guess statutory rape too)
My first boyfriend cheated on my with another girl
My first (romantic) love – lied to me about the fact that he was breaking into cars and cutting school for years.
My college boyfriend lied to me about his secret drug addiction and said he was with someone else instead of admitting he was high.. who knows maybe he was doing both?
My ex-husband lied to me all the time about random stupid things to avoid having to listen to me and still does.
My first boyfriend I had after my divorce, flirted with three other woman while we were together and tried to get them all to come over and have sex with him. What actually happened, I don’t know. But I know he tried to cheat on his last girlfriend with me, so I am sure he would have cheated, if he could have.
My last boyfriend – lied to me about his marital status and then cheated on me.
And I have had three instances of men I was attracted to using me in some physical way to steal from me or my family.

So I wonder….After all of this, HOW DOES ONE LEARN TO TRUST A MAN?

Let me know if you come up with something because sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off as a lesbian in this life. Then again if my lesson this time around really is about trust then one could argue that even as a lesbian I would fall into these types of issues with woman. Looking back at my own track record I know that I to have not been a beacon of perfection with my lovers. I mean I have to admit to my own faults as well right?

How does one learn to trust when distrust is so deeply rooted? Don’t get me wrong I am not trying to blame my past for my current malfunctions. But I do see where they contribute to my irrational thoughts or behavior. But how do we stop ourselves from irrational thoughts or suspicions when the past has proven to us time and time again that we WILL get hurt? Knowing this why do we continually dive into this shark infested body water of love?


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Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan