The Other Hourglass

This year for Halloween I did something that I have wanted to do my whole life, I got to be Marilyn Monroe. I have always thought of Marilyn as one of the prettiest woman in history. I know she was by no means perfect and much of the reflection that we all know and love as the iconic “Marilyn Monroe”, is not really her, or rather the real (Norma Jean) her.

Now I am not going to say I was a Great Marilyn but I think I held my own. Do I wish that I was younger? Yes. Do I wish that my eyes were shaped more like hers? Yes. But, I have some similar qualities, I’d say I evoke the same sexual energy that she did and I too have an hourglass figure. I’ve been skinnier in my life which would have been more appropriate than me trying to look like her at this point. But, now is when I had the confidence to do it. I do believe I finally have that “fuck it, I’m 40” attitude and I act and wear what I want. So, even though I was not the perfect Marilyn, I had the best time trying to be as close to her as I could be.

I loved actually going out of my way to accent my positives, and in obvious sexual ways, which I try not to normally present. Every time someone one would go to take a picture of me I would swing out a hip and thrust out my chest or I would bend over slightly and push out my butt. I had a blast! It was so fun to just actively try and be sexual. I am always trying to stifle this aspect of myself. I find in business it can just get in the way and I can be judged negatively for it. Woman will just be out and out rude to me because they think I am after their men. The only situation where me evoking my sexual side and acting on it, is in the bedroom, but that is an entirely different post. Halloween is great because it lets you be someone you are not for a day. It’s socialized role-playing.

Marilyn Me

To make things even better my boyfriend got this great slim suit and dressed up as JFK. Everyone at the party we went to thought he was Donald Trump because his wig was so jacked up. But, he put the entire look together the day before Halloween and that alone got my respect.

Marilyn and JFK

Marilyn and JFK

Cracked Window Effect

There seems to be an ongoing theme occurring with my friends, family and even me at times and that is what I call the “cracked window” effect. Let me give you an example of a cracked window.

My friend had been in a relationship with one man for 17 years. They have had their ups and downs. They have not spoken for months because they were in a fight. And yet their relationship has withstood the test of time and when they are not fighting, they radiate love. Never had my friend doubted her mans love for her. Never, even in the months of not talking did she ever suspect that he would be cheating on her. That is until someone “cracked the window”. One night she was sitting in the car enjoying a smoke while everyone else played inside and suddenly her boyfriends phone which had been left in the car, starts chirping and the face of it lights up with a message, “it was great talking to you. I miss you”. The message was from a woman named Amy.
My friend had never met anyone through him named Amy. He has never mentioned an Amy to her before. So she sat, in total dark silence, shaking, as the potential realization that her man may be cheating on her grabs her heart and squeezes. The window to her heart that shut tight 17 years ago when she met him was suddenly opened just a crack, and her doubt started to creep in with the wind.
But really this text could be anything. It could be an old friend who is married to a best friend. It could be a high school sweetheart who had long moved on. It could be a cousin or aunt. But, those possibilities don’t penetrate her thoughts like the one that “he is cheating” does.

This had happened to me. I have had similar experiences with my men where I am the one who both is suspicious and suspicious of. The window to some of my relationships has been cracked and it is an awful feeling. You suddenly start to doubt everything they say to you. You wonder when they go anywhere without you if they are off to see the person you suspect. It eats away at you and changes you from a person who is in a “100% love bubble of dreams, hopes and plans”. To a person who keeps looking through a cracked window to see if anyone is invading their turf or if their partner is tip toeing out the side door of your heart?

It seems to me that every relationship if it is good will stay grounded in its love as long as a window isn’t “cracked open”. And even if it does get “cracked open”, there are ways to close it again. My friend now grapples with how to proceed with her heart. Does she believe him that she is a coworker? Does she demand further evidence that they are just friends or does she let it go? If she decides to let it go will she be able to truly “let it go” or will it be there in the back of her mind always preying on her fears.

There is a way to fix this, with some honest communication, respect and true sincerity. But most importantly it has to come from faith and truth. One must truly believe that their partner did not step out on them. Trusting another person is so difficult at times, it can feel like blind faith. I think the hardest thing about the “cracked window” effect is knowing when the window should be closed again or just thrown open wider, so you can see better. Because sadly, the hint of doubt that caused the cracked window, isn’t always based in fantasy. Sometimes your fears are real.

2 minute free Association

In school I had different teachers that would have us write “free Association” style for 1,2 maybe 10 minutes, where you sit down and write. You don’t worry about punctuations or spelling errors. You don’t think about forming opinions or making points. There’s no beginning, body, conclusion. Free association is whatever comes to mind.
I have never done this on my blog I have no idea what will come out and when I do this in my diary I have a hard time figuring out if it is me or if I channel spirits? Because sometimes I do not sound like myself. If anyone has any thoughts on this let me know. Ok timer set…. go!

Its childish to expect that things will always remain the same
Even if history does repeat itself.
To expect the nuances of your day to never be toiled with or drifted upon would be asinine.
One can only consider ones own self worth and it Is imperative to evaluate that self worth off of the fundamentals that lie within that soul not another’s.
Time is what one needs to see the error of his ways.
Time is the essence behind all that stumps and detours us.
Time is the problematic architecture of our joy and our hearts; Accessing our souls unwillingly, time and time again. You must except that time is not a factor for which you can manipulate in regards to the heart.
It will ask for what ever it wants and that will be its sole desire.
All else fall at the waste side and drain us of our thoughts and prayers.
Be strong to the person you are within. Be true to the woman you know you are. Time will answer all of your questions and your hearts fire will burn long and hard.
You will be
( times up)

California Is Not Always Gold

Riding my bike to work this morning I was caught off guard by the chill in the air. The faster I rode the colder I got. I was still closer to home by far then I was to work, when I started thinking to myself, that soon I would either need to invest in more insulated riding gear or put the bike up until the spring. It was about 50 degrees this morning which I am sure to some is not cold at all. But, here in California we get acclimated to the warm summer and early fall heat wave so when the first chill comes we are all caught by surprise. I was still debating the idea of going home and changing into my long riding pants, when I passed a couple sleeping on a discarded pissed stained mattress lying on the side of the path. Bundled up to their necks with what looked like an old burnt sleeping bag. My heart instantly felt so bad for both of them. How cold they must be laying there in the chilled morning air with nothing but discarded bedroom supplies to keep them both warm.
I turned around right then and rode home. I changed my pants quickly and scrounged around my house for a few minutes and headed back on my way to work. When I got back to the path I was happy to see the couple on the mattress was now awake. I rode slowly up to them and jumped off the bike. The man was sitting up against the brick wall dividing the path from the shopping center just beyond it and he had no shirt on. He sat reading a paper from four days ago and with each breath you saw his used air come out of his mouth and wash away into the universe. The woman looked less awake as I am sure she wished she had some coffee to hold on to and help wake her quicker.
I apologized for my intrusion, since I felt I was walking into this strange couple’s bedroom without permission. I handed the woman a bag of food I had gathered from home, fresh Apples and tomatoes from my dad’s garden, left over from last night’s dinner and some juice. Then I took my 90’s snow coat off that I have been too cheap to part with, even though it is not my style anymore and gave it to the woman. “Please keep warm”, was the only other thing I said to them, before I jumped back on my bike. They were both very surprised and thanked me, which was so nice to hear and made it all worthwhile.
As I was starting to ride away, the woman pulled out a cigarette from her pocket and her man who I then realized was holding a crack pipe, started to smoke it. I was suddenly faced yet again with the cold hard realization that sometimes our addictions are more important than just being warm, and isn’t that sad? How many cold nights have these two faced already? How many more will they experience before they either die or seek help? If I had asked them trade me the crack pipe for the jacket do you think they would have taken me up on my offer? I don’t know but I found myself to be both sad and irritated as I rode away. How do we except that we can only help people so much, before they need to help themselves?
Just another day in LoLa-Land, just with one less coat

Poor communications

I’ve been taking it all inside lately. Trying to figure some stuff out quietly. Communication seems to be an issue for me. Seems odd considering I have no problems expressing myself to the world on this platform. But one on one, with regards to relationship stuff, I tend to Not say a lot because I don’t want to offend, hurt or anger my partner. Of course just because I chose not to say something doesn’t mean I’m feeling good about whatever was not said. Sometimes I find myself holding onto that irritation or issue internally. I then find that in trying to save myself and my loved one from a certain fight, by letting things fester in me, my issues consume me and then I am the one who is offended, hurt and angry.
I was learning about John Gottman’s four horseman again yesterday and our cycle of dysfunctional types of communication. And it made me think, “wow I can be really good at most of these”. This thought did not bring me any peace.

Gottman’s theory in a nut-shell is this ,
1- we start to criticize or partner “why didn’t you take the trash out?!” As opposed to “did you” or “could you take the trash out?”
2- Then as if criticizing isn’t bad enough we show contempt for our mate. Contempt is just criticism dressed up with insults and sarcasm. Examples of this are rolling your eyes or making rude comments.
3- After which,if we still haven’t hurt each other enough, we become defensive and we suddenly don’t hear our partners words because we are ready with our own excuses and our own counter issue.
4- Finally, if we are really into punishing ourselves and our loved ones we tend to stonewall our partner. We do this by Not responding or even really listening to anything our partner is saying. The person who is stonewalling is usually checked out of the relationship and not trying to work on it.

I have found myself guilty of all of these responses and they are never helpful or healthy for me or my mate. I have also found some of these responses coming my direction from different people and that will in turn lead me to my own negative communication of defensiveness. It’s almost like a continues cycle of pain, like we are stuck on the spin cycle and can’t get out of the dryer.
How does one learn to communicate effectively ALL the time? How do we break our bad habits and not only retain what we learn but start to utilize it as not just a skill but a way of functioning and being? How do we respond to others who are coming at us with one of these reactions in a healthy communicative way? When do you throw in the towel and walk away from the relationship entirely?
One thing I did learn yesterday in regards to trying to stop this vicious cycle, and a possible way to step out of the negative communication is to leave a peace offering. It doesn’t have to be a purchased gift or even an ” I’m sorry”. All it has to be is something that will remind you and your love, what it was that brought you together in the first place. A item you got on a early date, placed front and center on the kitchen table. An example of this would be a note you may have gotten from your mate, proclaiming their love, or some little something that you know will bring a smile to your partners face. Hopefully this little item whatever it is, will take you both back to the basics, back to the beginning. Whatever happens I wish both you and me luck.

Just another bad communication day in LoLa-Land

The Red Lambs

It is time for the queens feast
Her majesty is very hungry
First you must all knell at her feet
Or like the lambs you will be sorry

She always likes to take her pick
From the heard that castle owns
Which lamb she thinks is more thick
She will not be wanting skin and bone

Bring out the white lambs
Let them frolic before her
The queen has herself a plan
While you boil the water and stir

Those silly little lambs of dinner
She laughs when she sees them
Living near the castle like winners
They have no idea what they will win

She likes her lambs pure and white
She likes her lambs to be quick
She likes to watch them kick and fight
As she beats them with her stick

She pays no mind of the lambs pureness of heart
She cares not if they hold a special skill
Once she chooses the lamb that she will rip apart
The audience can’t help but be still

The scene is quite a horror to see
The squeals are heard from every bed
As She beats the lambs until they bleed
Turning their wool from white to red

Once the lambs heart has stopped beating
The queen has worked up an appetite
We start to prepare the lamb for her pleasing
The queens gorging is quite a sight

Once the queen has finished her meal
Exhausted she retires to her suites and sleeps
The carnage she leaves behind is surreal
As Her servants clean the blood off their feet

As the queen lays asleep like a child
As the candles burning light start to dim
The lambs scream in their cages like wild
Because tomorrow that red lamb may be them

$5.00 Bucket

There is something my NY Gays do that I am aiming to start doing. My entire adult life I have put all my change into two different bins silver and copper. In fact when my ex and I were finally divorced, we took a piggy bank that my dad made us, that you could not be opened without being destroyed, that we put only quarters and dimes in it for 17 years and we took a drill to it. When all was said and done we had damn near $1000.00 and we were both so excited.
Well, my NY gays do the same exact thing but with fives. They have a $5.00 bucket. Not a change bucket or a $1.00 bucket but a $5.00 bucket! They said that they realized at some point that they both always had fives on them. So, they decided when ever they had a five in their wallet at the end of the day it would go in the bucket.
All I could think was man I wish I could have a five dollar bucket. I wish I could afford to give those up when I have them. How nice it was to be able to not stress about cab fare because the $5.00 bucket was full. If I were to pull out enough change to make up cab fare from my change bucket it would take all of it. So now I wonder, how can I implement my own $5.00 bucket? Would I be actually able to keep it full? I wonder if instead of calling it the $5.00 bucket if it would have more effect as the “trip to Italy” bucket? When one is not wealthy what is the trick to helping us save our dollars and even our fives?

Let The Mourners Come

His temple has been prepared as he waits motionless for his entrance
As each segment of different colored glass in the windows have been cleaned. Each foot of the century-old wood that made up the stage for all this beauty has been dusted by hand.
The many chandeliers that lit the ornate landscape hung dramatically from a magnificent domed ceiling.
As tall white candles cast a tender glow over the center of the room that all the polished mahagony pews adorned with the ancient hymn books, surrounded.
Only the finest of the gold linen laid out for his benefit, hand embroidered with love for such a special moment
The revered statues of his lord stood with open arms ready to receive him.

It is time, bring in the mourners. Tell them to sit in silence as they wait for him.
Only muffled voices in this home please.
They have all come from afar to pay their respects. Shrouded in their nicest cloth, weighted with their most expensive jewelry. For only the best is good enough for the expression of love they had for him. Let the chorales sing of the words of others. Let the mourners be soothed in their promises as their soulful melody fills the somber air.
Let the mourners cry. This day of sadness is in ceremony for him as it’s hope is to heel them.

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan