Gains and Loses

I was dead for years. I was alive physically, but I was dead inside. I would say I was dead emotionally but it was much more than that. I was dead spiritually, mentally, psychically, and sexually. I don’t know what caused my death, or how long I was dead but I was gone. I was dead for years, maybe even a decade. I was even shut down to love. I didn’t love myself so I couldn’t imagine why anyone else would love me.

I ballooned out to a whopping 365 pounds. I was so miserable. Did my misery come with the weight or did the weight come from the misery? I was winded just from standing up or sitting down. I would buy clothes that fit me in multiple colors, whether I liked them or not, because style was never a choice. I wore what few styles I could find and the choice was in the color. I never wanted sex with my husband. I always felt sick from the pint of ice cream I was eating every night. I was disgusted by my own image in the mirror, why wouldn’t my husband be disgusted as well? Yet, I don’t think he was. I think he saw past the weight and loved me unconditionally. He loved me more than I loved myself.

I lost some weight and I started to feel good about myself. Then I decided that I liked the way I was feeling, I was starting to feel alive. I started this huge campaign to lose the rest of my weight. At that point, in my weight loss I wanted to lose more! I was determined to lose no less than 125 lbs more, but; I would have thought I was perfect if I lost 150 lbs. I made it to 105 lbs lost! I was so happy and I felt amazing. I felt like I could do anything I wanted. I could find whatever I wanted to wear and in different colors. I went from being invisible to men, to attractive. I wanted that attraction and I wanted sex. I was alive again!

Now, years later I am starting to pack the weight back on. I am starting to be sick at night from the food I am eating. I don’t feel good about myself anymore and again I am not as interested in sex. Just like last time, I am with a man who loves me no matter what size I am. I know he would still be just as attracted to me at 450 lbs as he was with me when he met me. But, I find I am losing my love for myself.

It’s a viscous cycle though, because the more down I get down on myself, the more I want to eat. I am emotionally low, so I emotionally eat. I don’t think about the big picture or how many calories something might be. All I can think about is how tasty it is and how I cannot wait for it to be swirling around in my mouth. Even as my tummy starts to stretch and feel ill, all I can think about is how wonderful it tastes to my tongue. Then I wake up the next morning, still sick from the from the food coma I was in the night before and the last thing I want to do is to work out. I also wake up with the “emotional Mind Fuck” (as I like to call it), where I beat myself up for all the terrible things I ate and all the working out I didn’t do.

How does one get out of this sink hole of emotional eating? I did it before; I just need to figure out how to do it again. I have no interest in going back to the way I used to be. I am not willing to die inside again. How does one stop the internal “mind fuck” from effecting their emotional eating thereby causing the internal death process?


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. johncoyote
    Nov 03, 2013 @ 04:28:59

    Controlling your weight is hard. Some people need to work hard to lose or maintain weight. I believe the appearance of the person can be over-rated. We need to eat right. I was lucky. Army taught me. Proper diet and a lot of activity to keep body and mind strong. You did very will. Lost a lot of weight. No-one want to fall back to where you started. I hope you good luck and patience. Sometime we are our worst enemy. Thank you for sharing the story.


    • LoLa
      Nov 04, 2013 @ 13:06:55

      Thank you Johncoyote for your helpful words, never thought I would have wished I did some time in the military until you made the point about healthy practices you learned there. Thank you for serving our country!


      • johncoyote
        Nov 04, 2013 @ 17:35:35

        I tell people. The swim pool is the best place to keep in shape. Not overworking legs and body get a complete workout. When I was in the service. I had leg injuries. The doctors made us walk in in the pool for one mile. Help the legs strengthen and keep complete body in shape. If you can swim well. Swimming is the place to keep entire body in shape.

      • LoLa
        Nov 04, 2013 @ 20:16:43

        I actually love to swim and do it quite well. I grew up next to the beach with a buggy board. Swimming has gotten rid of a lot if back issues in my past. Thank you for the reminder, it’s been awhile bit I love to do it.

      • johncoyote
        Nov 05, 2013 @ 00:21:39

        I need the pool myself. It does help the back.

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Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan