At the seams

My anger is palpable
I can feel it shooting through my veins with my blood
Is it noticeable?

My sadness is devastating
Soaking through my skin because tears just aren’t enough
Can you see them penetrating?

My loneliness is intolerable
Making my muscles so weak I’d prefer to not move
Am I making you uncomfortable?

My frustration is vengeful
I want to scream out from the irritation that engulfs me
Did you think me thoughtful?

My emotions have the best of me
Like a million different ropes holding me down
Am I falling apart at the seams?

My existence thrives on my pain
I am a bundle of last nerves and no one can help
How long will these feelings remain?

They Lie

The lies they tell are just piling up
Like an alcoholic trying to fill-up a Dixie-cup

They tell you whatever they think You want to hear
Relaying antidotes of a time they supposedly held dear

They are all so attentive, so charming and so sweet
Like telling you they love you the first time that you meet

They make promises of big future plans
They speak of sunsets, long massages and white sands

They will have volumes to tell you and hours to give
They will stroke your ego and want to see where you live

You’ll think you found your perfect mate
And Just when you thought it would be too late

You put down your guard and show them you care
Communicating with an intimacy that only lovers share

As soon as that intimate moment has passed
You will soon become a thing of the past

They will have excuses for all their missed dates
Spinning lies like spiders while they pontificate

Forgetting to mention the wives they are trying to not to face
Do you now see why you always hung out at your place

Their emails will become simple and short
“Really busy here, not much to report”

Any questions you ask will go unanswered
Because What you want doesn’t really matter

They got what they wanted with no gratitude
Now all they share with you are lies and platitudes

They may still tell you that your beautiful
Giving you their attention in small spoonfuls

When you see them in public don’t bother being surprised
When they look right though you as if they never laid by your side

More Punk!

As usual it was another crazy weekend last weekend. Between the bowling, drinking, birthday parties, wedding showers and amazing meals, I also did a impromptu singing audition for a local garage band.

My friend asked me if I would be interested in possibly being the singer in his punk band. I’ve always wanted to be in a band, but; punk? We went to his studio and he put me in front of a microphone and gave me a page of lyrics ( just lyrics). He put the cd of the song on and said ” sing”.
I was kind of horrified and so thankful, he was the only other person there, because I had no idea what to do. I tried to explain to him, ” you have to let me hear the song a few times. Or give me some music notes. I have no idea what the timing is? I can’t just start singing with just words to go by”.

“It’s punk LoLa. You just sing it” he replied almost annoyed.

Exasperated, I listened to the song and started to hum along. He played the guitar almost from the moment we walked in the room. And kept playing while we listened to the song once, then we stared again and this time I tried to sing. When I was done he said, ” ok, ok I mean, you can sing. But, we need you to be more punk! You have to be… Rougher”.
I laughed, All I’m thinking is, I don’t even listen to punk.
“I don’t know if I can be a punk star. I’m don’t really think PUNK is in me, I mean I wear ruffles and pink. ” I said to him

He looked at me sideways for a minute and said, ” ok maybe you should do harmony then”. He pauses his playing for the first time and says, ” do you have any black leather pants?”
“really man! ?” I screeched which came out almost as a yell, because I was still next to the microphone, “have you seen my angry thighs? They eat leather pants for dinner!”

I’m not sure this being in a punk band is such a good fit for me? I haven’t even begun to think about how I would get over the stage fright enough not to SUCK! But, I do know this, I really, really liked having the microphone in my hands, I need to think about that. I have always wanted to be in a band and I’m not getting any younger. But, I am also trying to maintain my, “Fuck it I’m forty” way of being and joining a punk band fits that ideology perfectly.

Just another day for LoLa-Land

The Unwanted Ex

I have a handful of ex boyfriends and honestly it’s never really been a problem when I run into any of them. I am usually excited to see them and wish I had more time to catch up with them. Having spent so much intimate time with someone in the past, always leaves me wondering how they are now?

Really there are only two men that I would never want to see again and I have been blessed with the freedom of knowing, that they both moved away shortly after we broke up; so, I have never worried about running into either of them, that is until now.

I recently learned one of them has moved back to town. I was told his wife who he cheated on with me, while lying to me about his marital status, while continuing to sleep with her, while sleeping with me, and lying to us both, divorced his ass and he is now dating someone who looks to be about fourteen. ( I don’t know anything about who he dates, this is just what his friends told me).

What I do know, is I don’t want to see him at all. I hope to god I don’t just bump into him, because, I don’t know if I would be able to handle it without slapping him in the face, or screaming at him. Yes, I am still angry with him. Yes, I am trying to work on this anger. But, the man lied to me, cheated on me and stole from me. He was a big jealous freak who hated me having friends of any kind and would be suspicious anytime I went anywhere without him. It got to the point where my friends never saw me because he would make me miserable before and after I went out; so, I hardly ever went out anymore.

As angry as I was with him for bugging out of my life before he finished the job he started in my bathroom, which he was only doing because he owed me money he couldn’t pay back, I was grateful he moved far away so I wouldn’t have to ever see him again. Every time I saw him before he left, a little bit of vomit would come up my throat and I would be struck with a sudden urge to hit him, hard.

At the same time maybe his quick departure was a bad thing. Because, I never got to tell him what a low down dirty, lying, cheating, thieving evil dog I thought he was. I never told him how he had destroyed my faith in men and how completely psychotic I think he is. I never got to get my money back that he owes me, or be able to go “To Wanda” on his car, which I so desperately wanted to do. fried green tomatoes But, damnit, I’m a Buddhist and I believe in karma, so I can’t hurt him back.

My hope is that I don’t run into him unless I know ahead of time that he will be there, so I can be mentally and emotionally prepared. I also hope the man comes through with a very heartfelt apology and the money he owes me, or I fear I will always hate him. I have worked so hard in my life to not hate anyone… Obviously, I’m still working on my energy around him.

Wish me luck

Just another day in LoLa-Land

Goodbye My Friend

Today I went to see my friend, whom I haven’t seen since Halloween of last year. She was my neighbor when I was married. She is older then me by maybe 15 or 20 years, but we have always got along very well. She, like me, has always suffered with her body image, and the excess of weight on her aging bones, hasn’t help her stay active.

For 15 years I could always expect to see her smiling face when I got home from work or enjoy some small talk, while we walked to get our mail from the mailboxes. She was always there for me whenever I was in a bind or needed help.

Today I had to go say goodbye to my dear friend. She has been diagnosed with stage four Ovarian cancer and has unsuccessfully tried two bouts of chemo. She decided she would rather spend what little time she has left, feeling as normal as she can. So, she has opted out of the third course of treatment, and has decided to let herself die peaceful, or as peacefully as she can.

Just seeing her shocked me. She has lost all of her hair and about 100 lbs. she looked like a complete stranger and if she had passed me on the street, I wouldn’t have recognized her at all. The only thing that even triggered within me, that I was standing in front of my friend, was her voice, her voice instantly brought me comfort. I almost said out loud, “oh there you are” .

I asked her if she was scared and she said no. She believes her family members who have already died are waiting for her, and I believe she is right. She is already starting to see strange forms appear, that she can’t explain; We both feel those are her spirit guides waiting for her. I asked her if she learned anything special this life, and she said she still doesn’t know what her lesson is. But she knows, she’s not scared or sad to go. Even when discussing her failing body parts, and the sudden lack of muscle ability and how it has effected her being able to just move, her spirits did not lower in the slightest bit.

She said to me “there is no pity party her LoLa! I am happy to be Gods helper. I am resigned and I have got all my ducks In a row.” I was happy to hear that she has resigned herself to this fate. As usual, for me I found talking to her rewarding. I wish I could talk to people who are dying everyday. (God that sound horrible) I have no problem speaking to the dying with honesty and inquisitiveness. I am completely in aw over the resignation that seems to take place. I love the knowledge gained from someone who is on their way out. They are ALWAYS the most open and rewarding conversations I have. I don’t know if it’s because we usually know it is our last conversation we will have, so it has weight to it. Or if it’s because I know whatever they may say is very important to hear, so; I stay completely present. But, I know that I remember all of these moments, like I remember when the first plane flew into the towers and exactly what I was doing. They are all important to me and I hold them very tightly in my memory.

I am going to miss my dear friend so much. It’s going to be darker on my “wasbunds” street without her smile, brightening it up. I will miss her soul. Yet, at the same time, I am excited for her. I am excited she will see her parents again and her beloved dogs. She has always spoke of her parents with such admiration and respect, I know it will be a wonderful moment for her.

Maybe I’m crazy in my own resolve around death? My wasbund is an atheist. He believe you die and that’s it, It’s over, there is no afterlife or another life, your just death. I feel in my heart, he is wrong, but who really knows the truth?

Today I told my friend I loved her for the first time and she said she loved me too. I will always be greatfull for our time, most of all for our time today. I will let her go, with her love safely tucked inside my heart. Because, I know, I will see her again someday.

Hooker Heels

I wore my hooker heels tonight. It’s been quite sometime since I have dared to take them out. It is always a scary adventure for me when I wear them.

They are lovingly called “hooker heels!” not because some hooker owned them, or because I am a hooker, it isn’t anything so naughty as that. They are called hooker heels because they are bright red, velvet, 6 inch, stiletto heals that are a half a size to big for me. So, not taking into consideration the fact that i am standing what feels like 2 feet taller than usual on a very, very small tip, I am also slipping out of the back of my shoe with every step I take.

But I digress, I wore my hooker heels because they went well with my all black skimpy little t-shirt dress and I knew I would be doing a lot of sitting and very little walking. Which made tonight, the perfect night for the “hooker heels”.

I had a blast ridiculing and making fun of myself because of the sexy reds. When the bartender asked me, “how do you walk with those on?”
I giggled out loud because I knew I barely could, and then I promptly fell into the wall next to me as I lost my balance. I love to make comments about “the air being thinner up here” or “I keep getting nose bleeds, I’m so tall”. Maybe I do this because even though I love them, I know they are not me, so I feel ridiculous.

I know these big red heels are crazy for me to even attempt to wear. I am fully aware of the risks that I am taking with every step. I am the girl who has given herself at least two self induced black eyes and three self induced concussions. The shear number of times I have hurt myself in flats for no reason, makes me particularly insane, to wear such a precarious shoe.
Yet, knowing all of this, all of the odds that are naturally stacked against me , due to the clumsy gene I have been dealt, I wore those damn sexy shoes out tonight and honestly, I felt damn hot in them.

Who cares really, I’m in my 40’s.

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Right Now

You watch me
Your eyes digging deep into my soul
You make it hard to breath
As your touch takes its toll

Breathless moans escape my lips
Throwing my head back for more
Adding thrust to my curvy hips
My temperature is in a uproar

Your so firm to the touch
Your slender frame is such a wonderful treat
I fear I enjoy you a tad too much
I like what I see from your head to your feet

Holding me the way you like to do
Arched so you can watch my emotions change
Studying my reaction to your every move
I am an actress and your body’s my stage

Your soft skin joyfully smothering me
As we lay completely intertwined
Discovering the things that make us sing
Joyous to remove that which made us blind

Moving together our bodies become one
Your hands In my hair
My braid has completely come undone
Neither of us really care

I don’t look away from your gaze
I want to watch you too
I could enjoy your body for days
Right now will have to do

Trip To Target

One of my nieces and i went to Target ( the super store) today to buy groceries and house wares. We were cruising through the food aisles getting everything we needed for a big Mexican dinner we were preparing.
My sweet niece who is all of 13 and I were contemplating which enchilada sauce to get, when I felt a weird feeling like I was being watched. I looked over my left shoulder and saw a man standing at the end of the aisle. He was leaning on his carts handle, just staring at my ass. I don’t think he even knew I caught him looking at me, he was so engrossed in my backside. Now I’m used to men checking me out, so I ignored him. I was Feeling flattered that he liked my bottom so much, and moved on to the next aisle.

When I started down the following aisle the first thing I saw was him standing like he was before, at the end of the aisle, intently staring at me. Again, I ignored him, as we walked towards him. We turned down the next row and I was relieved to be away from his stare. My relief only lasted a few seconds before he was standing at the end of our aisle watching me again. I was starting to feel like an actual piece of meat. I know men check woman out but usually it’s a quick look and then they move on; this guy was being ridiculous.

Sensing my energy change my perceptive niece, asked me under her breath, ” what’s wrong”?
” i feel like I’m being watched” I answered
” by who?” She asked, “oh, wait the guy at the end of the aisle?”
I shook my head yes and then we moved on down the aisle towards him again. I suddenly saw something I needed. It was just beyond him in the aisle that mirrored our aisles but behind the spooky stalker guy. I walked over to get it and then back to my cart and my niece said, “he had his eyes on your butt that entire time!” Then she suddenly gasped, “oh my god there’s his wife! Oh, that must be his son!! What a pig! His entire family is here and he was consumed with your butt auntie!” I didn’t even bother to look his way.

I didn’t know what to say to her. I had been so uncomfortable by his blatant staring, I didn’t want to say anything that would make her think less of men. Yet, it’s important that she knows to listen to her inner voice.
“I was very uncomfortable by him and my gut gave me a bad feeling.” I said to her and that was the end of that. As soon as the wife and son showed up he stopped stalking me.

I wonder what he was thinking about or was he thinking? Why was my butt so fascinating to him? I wonder why he felt it was appropriate at any time but especially considering I was with a young girl, she could have easily been viewed as my daughter. Did he think I liked him gawking at me when he was shopping with his family?

Just another day in LoLa-Land

Ben Wa Balls

I recently tried the Ben Wa balls I’ve had in my “sex” drawer. (the sex drawer, as i lovingly call it, is a drawer of little fun things, that I have collected through the years that enhance the art of love making… Or they can be used individually) I’ve had my Ben Wa Balls for about 12 years but have never used. I used to sell them when I had my pleasure party company.

Yes I washed them first, but they have resided in a pretty, clear case, where they sit on a red velvet little pedestal, so they didn’t get all dirty. They have always looked like gold gems to me. I’m not sure if I’ve always thought they were to pretty to use or if I just hopped I didn’t need them, but yes I’ve owned them over a decade and never tried them out.

In case you don’t know what they are. Ben Wa Balls here is a definition Ben Wa Ball . In short they are marble size weighted balls that woman can put into their vaginas to either stimulate a better orgasm. Woman can also use them to strengthen their kegel muscles by trying to hold them in as long as possible.

Well I was finally reading the 50 shades of Grey books and the writer describes a scene between the two main characters where they use the balls during a sexual act that sounded like fun to me. So, I called…. A friend, and solicited his help in trying it out. All I am going to say is that though we did not really try what was mentioned in the book I found them a lot of fun. (Wink wink).

But, when everything was said and done I couldn’t get the damn things out! I was bouncing up and down on my bed. I was jumping in place, I was using every muscle I had in my vagina to try and squeeze them out. Then I was trying to loosen up and relaxe every muscle in my vagina thinking, “maybe they will fall out”. Still, they did not fall out. My friend tried to go in and grab them some how (not like I was going to let him stick his entire hand in there or anything!) but his finger just pushed the damn thing up further. At first this was funny and I bounced on the bed giggling, still coming down from my orgasm. But, after everything had not worked I was started to panic. Insane thoughts jerked my euphoria from me and Plaqued me with crazy worries like “what if I can never find them and try cause cancer? What will happen if I go through the metal detector? Will I just burp them up? (Yes I know these are a stretch but I was feeling very vulnerable at this point).

Finally my friend googles ” how to get Ben Wa Balls out” and it told me to go utinate and then reach up and get them. That they should have dropped from the relaxation needed for mr to pee. Luckily for me because I was thinking it was going to be a long night at the clinic, I tried what they said and it worked. The Balls slipped down enough for me to retrieve them.

I gotta say, I’m not to jazzed about trying them again anytime soon. My friend made the suggestion that they should be on some sort of string. Funny enough, the ones they show on the link above do have a string. I guess my pair or just to old or that brilliant idea.

Just another comical day in LoLa-land

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If You Don’t

If you don’t like the way I smell
Don’t get to close to me

If you don’t like the way I drive
Don’t ask me to do the driving

If you don’t like how I keep my home
Don’t come over

If you don’t like my point of view
Don’t ask me my opinion

If you don’t like the way I dress
Don’t look at me

If you don’t like the way I move
Don’t watch me

If you don’t like the way I work
Don’t hire me

If you don’t like the things I say
Then Don’t hang out with

But if it’s that you just don’t like me
Then, get out of my life I don’t need you it anyway.

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan