Goodbye My Friend

Today I went to see my friend, whom I haven’t seen since Halloween of last year. She was my neighbor when I was married. She is older then me by maybe 15 or 20 years, but we have always got along very well. She, like me, has always suffered with her body image, and the excess of weight on her aging bones, hasn’t help her stay active.

For 15 years I could always expect to see her smiling face when I got home from work or enjoy some small talk, while we walked to get our mail from the mailboxes. She was always there for me whenever I was in a bind or needed help.

Today I had to go say goodbye to my dear friend. She has been diagnosed with stage four Ovarian cancer and has unsuccessfully tried two bouts of chemo. She decided she would rather spend what little time she has left, feeling as normal as she can. So, she has opted out of the third course of treatment, and has decided to let herself die peaceful, or as peacefully as she can.

Just seeing her shocked me. She has lost all of her hair and about 100 lbs. she looked like a complete stranger and if she had passed me on the street, I wouldn’t have recognized her at all. The only thing that even triggered within me, that I was standing in front of my friend, was her voice, her voice instantly brought me comfort. I almost said out loud, “oh there you are” .

I asked her if she was scared and she said no. She believes her family members who have already died are waiting for her, and I believe she is right. She is already starting to see strange forms appear, that she can’t explain; We both feel those are her spirit guides waiting for her. I asked her if she learned anything special this life, and she said she still doesn’t know what her lesson is. But she knows, she’s not scared or sad to go. Even when discussing her failing body parts, and the sudden lack of muscle ability and how it has effected her being able to just move, her spirits did not lower in the slightest bit.

She said to me “there is no pity party her LoLa! I am happy to be Gods helper. I am resigned and I have got all my ducks In a row.” I was happy to hear that she has resigned herself to this fate. As usual, for me I found talking to her rewarding. I wish I could talk to people who are dying everyday. (God that sound horrible) I have no problem speaking to the dying with honesty and inquisitiveness. I am completely in aw over the resignation that seems to take place. I love the knowledge gained from someone who is on their way out. They are ALWAYS the most open and rewarding conversations I have. I don’t know if it’s because we usually know it is our last conversation we will have, so it has weight to it. Or if it’s because I know whatever they may say is very important to hear, so; I stay completely present. But, I know that I remember all of these moments, like I remember when the first plane flew into the towers and exactly what I was doing. They are all important to me and I hold them very tightly in my memory.

I am going to miss my dear friend so much. It’s going to be darker on my “wasbunds” street without her smile, brightening it up. I will miss her soul. Yet, at the same time, I am excited for her. I am excited she will see her parents again and her beloved dogs. She has always spoke of her parents with such admiration and respect, I know it will be a wonderful moment for her.

Maybe I’m crazy in my own resolve around death? My wasbund is an atheist. He believe you die and that’s it, It’s over, there is no afterlife or another life, your just death. I feel in my heart, he is wrong, but who really knows the truth?

Today I told my friend I loved her for the first time and she said she loved me too. I will always be greatfull for our time, most of all for our time today. I will let her go, with her love safely tucked inside my heart. Because, I know, I will see her again someday.

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Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan