Speak up and Stop Swallowing

I used to speak Up all of the time about things I thought were wrong. I used to fight with people about being treated unfairly or say something when I was unhappy. I still do stand up for myself, especially when it comes to people I don’t know, like store clerks or waiters, but not nearly to the same extent. I find I tend to swallow a lot of comments and actions that upset me and it’s not always a good thing.

Sometimes I swallow it and i don’t let it out. Then it stays in me and festers. Rakes at my thoughts and feelings and I twist it all up into something uglier or more painful then it was ever intended to be. I do this a lot in my relationships with both men and woman. I tend to just not say anything when something hurts me and then if it keeps happening, I become more and more upset with the person while still not opening up to them about it. So, they in turn have no clue that I am even upset and are completely shocked and caught off guard when I eventually snap at them or breakup.

I wonder why I have become like this in my old age? I think it came from many years of being with my ex who hated, I mean HATED confrontation. I would feel him shrink away when I would stand up for us or myself in front of him. I would feel his embarrassment at times and that made me feel bad. I never want the people I am with to be uncomfortable because of me. I also don’t like fighting with people and I tend to think, “oh I’m just tripping, I’ll get over it”.

Recently one of my ex’s pointed out to me that he had no idea that I was even upset much less wanting to breakup because I never told him that he was doing things that bothered me. My only defense was that I felt those things were basic human nature things that could not be changed; so, why say anything at all? I told my ex he was right and I needed to start work on saying the scary things, and telling people when they have upset or offended me. I guess I need to start being more real?

But that still doesn’t mean I want to get back together with my ex.

Just another processing day in LoLa-Land


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Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan