Missing Him

My heart is all fluttery and jumpy
I can’t seem to calm the beating down
I’ve missed him since he left me
And our happy bubble burst on the ground.

My hearts beating like a new base drummer
A kid struggling to find his own beat
Having him leave me has been a real bummer
I’m saddened by his quick defeat

I know why my hearts skips this way
I didn’t want to admit it to him though
I was falling in love with him more each day
It’s tough to now just suddenly let him go

I will have to unattach from him for a spell
Let my longing for him subside
I will miss his arms and his stories as well
I’m sad our relationship has already died

The Perfect Penis

Woman have been asking me privately what they should look for in regards to the penis and STD’s. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting up with a few tainted penis’s since I’ve been divorced.  Before I thought,  “oh as long as I wear a condom I won’t get anything”.  However, I have discovered that I was ignorant in this perception. 

Let me first say that I have met many men who do not wear condoms and I know many woman who do not ask for them, probably because they suck! However, “OH MY GOD” if you have seen what I have seen you would put One on!

Woman here is what you need to look for on your mans penis.  You need to look for ANYTHING! A mans penis should be perfect. (I’m not talking size or weight) The penis should be clear of any blemishes, bumps, zits. Open sores, or dry scratchy areas. The penis skin should be soft and smooth (well the skin should be without rough patches).  ūüėČ

A lot of these things can not be seen in the dark or even felt with your hands. You may not notice them even if you preformed Orals on the penis.   I know it’s kind of a mood killer, but turn the light on and look at the mans penis before you attack it in anyway.  If you see any zit, bumps or open sores of any kind, you will want to “quickly put the penis down and walk away slowly”. LoL 

I have actually been getting busy with a man and pulled out my cell phone, to use my flashlight app. Only to be faced with a penis head riddled with bumps and one open sore. I couldn’t feel any of them with my hand.  Now here’s the truth of things.  If I had decided not to look before I gave Orals or if I had sex with him without a condom I could have and probably would have got whatever disease he had. 

I could have broken out in warts in my mouth or vagina.  Warts are apparently quite painful especially the first time. And because of the delicate nature of the location the doctor can not lance then off. So, I would  have had to make a doctors appointment with a dermatologist. If you break out in a really bad case of an STD you may have to miss work to stay home naked and take antibiotics.  

Let’s not forget the humiliation of having to tell your sexual partner that you are disease infested and they may need to get looked at. Or the fact that you may need to go anywhere from a week to several months without partaking in any sexual acts. 

Of course I have not mentioned the obvious, some STD’s can kill you. So please, please, please protect yourselves and don’t be embarrassed or to shy to make sure you do. 

Please woman make sure it’s a Perfect Penis first.   (I pulled some pictures of what to look for off the web). 

   
   

Do You Really Mean It

“Do you really mean it?” He asked

“Well of course. I wouldn’t have said it or, asked for it, if I didn’t really want it or mean it” She replied.

“Is that a bad thing?” She asked “for me to Ask you that? Or ask that of you, is it bad?”

He chuckles and looks to the ground while he shakes his stubborn head, then he looks back at her and says; “If you mean it, then there’s nothing wrong with asking. I’m just not used to it. Woman always say they would ask for it but never do”

“Does it upset you that I am not like other woman?” She asks him.

“No, no I rather prefer it” he replies, “it’s just, sometimes you shock me and I am surprised by your comments or questions.”

“Does that upset you?” She keeps on with her questions of him.

“It doesn’t upset me, it keeps me on my toes. It’s not something I expect to hear when I’m going to feed the horse. But, ¬†I find it alluring as hell!” Suddenly giving her the look. As if he Just realized what her original request was.
She giggled knowing what he was thinking. “Maybe the horse could wait like 20 minutes?” She asks sheepishly, while biting her lower lip.

“You kill me when you do that you know? ¬†I want to chew on it. Maybe the horse could wait an hour” ¬†He was taunting her with his words while he slowly walked back threw the garden towards her.

“I’m not done watering the vineyard?” She said.

“I don’t care about the grapes right now. I want to make sure your request is taken care of” was the last thing he said before he grabbed her hand and pulled her down the hallway to the bedroom.

Dragging behind him, pointing to the vineyards while she protested, “I didn’t think you would be hungry again?” But the entire time she was feeling oh so joyful that he was willing to stop his chores for her.

Meant To Be Hairy 

Recently my electric razor died. And I can’t stand being hairy. I would have gone out  and replaced it but I had to work at both my jobs for three days,  I had no time.  But, after a few days of not shaving things started to get a little scary and hairy down there.  

Finally one night I made it over to the local Kmart where they have a selection of about 20 electric razors, with prices from $12 to $140.  I picked a lower priced normal looking razor, no special bells or whistles, waited in the long line and finally purchased it.  I got my 10 different foot long receipts from my cashier and left.  As soon as I got home I ripped open the box and I saw the razor clipper was about 2.5 inches wide and had a cord, which was not going to work for me at all.  So, I boxed it all up and went to bed, still a big hairy mess. 

Three days later I was finally able to return the razor to Kmart. ( at this point,  I am just part gorilla). I went back to the razor aisle and looked for the smallest clipper blades I could find. I found one that seemed low maintenance and was a great price.  The box was a bit jacked up but, I didnt care about the packaging, just as long as the razor works.  I then waited for awhile in the returns aisle as the clerk was working on a display issue and asked me to hold on. ( tick tock. Customer service is…..?) We did the exchange and I was off again. As soon as I was home I pulled out this perfect little corldess razor And was almost excited!  Until I saw it, hair in the Clippers teeth. Big black hairs! Someone had obviously purchased the razor, used it and returned it. 

Grossed out and irritated I boxed it all back up again and headed BACK over to Kmart  for another (unused) razor. (Now I’m wondering how much gas have I spent to buy one razor?) I go back to the razor aisle, pick the same clippers but (in a good box this time.  Waited yet again in the return aisle where I was told yet again to wait for the person to put something away ( this can’t wait). I tell the woman, “I would like to return this razor” 

“Is something wrong with it ma’am?” She asks me.  

“Well it appears to work fine but I didn’t expect it to already be used?  Were the black hairs extra?”  I ask

” eww!!!! Gross!!!!” The cashier exclaimed as she quickly allowed me to do the even exchange and I was again on my way home.  

When I got home I opened up the Pristine box removed all the packaging and inserted the brand-new battery, Flip the switch on and was alas completely excited to hear the buzz of the electric razor. It was such a wonderful sound I couldn’t wait to attack the fur coat I had growing on me, when after about 30 seconds of the delightful buzzing, my new razor stopped working.  I AM NOT KIDDING!!! I hadn’t even started shaving yet I was still delighting in the buzzing sound. 

After about three battery changes and hitting the thing sideways a few times ( don’t ask, I was mad) I finally got it to work again.  I was then able to shave at last!!!! Thank god!!  Funny enough I took the brush and oil that came with the new razor and cleaned up my old razor just for shits and giggles and the damn thing stared working again.  So, now suddenly, I have two razors. Which is a good thing because I don’t think I want to buy anymore anytime soon.

Just another weird experience in LoLa-Land

Sugar Mama

My man, sweatheart that he is, loves to refer to me as his “sugar mama”. ¬† He Is always quick to tell me that he will expect me to pay his bills and pay his mortgage, in return he will provide me sex; Lots and lots of sex!!! ¬† He says this like its some sort of fabulous offer and since it’s only being offered to me, I need to jump on it, fast!! (No pun¬†intended ).

Now don’t get me wrong I like sex just as much as the next guy. (Yes, I said guy, even though I am a woman, because my sex drive is much like that of a 27 year ¬†old man) I am not one to turn down an offer of some really fantastic frolic in the sak (or anywhere else for that matter), but; this offer of his seems to be a win/win for him and a win/lose for me. ¬†He will have all sorts of joys with his physical portion of the agreement as well as not having any financial debts to work for. Where as I could find myself out thousands a month. ¬†I can see why he would suggest such a deal. It works out well for him.

“Oh yeah” ( seriously he talks like he from Canada, I don’t know why?) he says, “you are my sugar mama and I don’t have to work anymore! ¬†No more 6am to 8 pm for me! I’m just gonna play in the dirt on my land, while you pay all the bills, ¬†ok?” (Of course while he’s saying this to me he plunking down the cash for our dinner). ¬†He continues, “all I gotta do mama” (I’m thinking, call me “mama” one more time!) “is just give you lots of orgasims and then I will have my sugar mama forever!!!!”

At this point I’m dyeing laughing and then as in normal LoLa fashion I have to egg him on even further. “Oh am I your Sugar Mama? Ok I’ll pay your bills. Let’s see I have $300 to my name you can have it all? That’s how much I like you. ¬†That should cover it right? The mortgage, and ¬†the other bills? ¬†Ok, now that we have that worked out, let’s get to your portion of the agreement!”

” Wo wo wo. Wait a second!!!$300!!!! ¬†That’s not gonna pay for enough. I want a new hot tub too, let’s not forget the tub!” He demands.

“What’s with all your demands man? I’m still waiting for you to follow through with your side of the deal.” I object with my hands firmly placed on my hips. ¬†“I have no more than $300 you can’t have the hot tub”

” I don’t know what we’re going to do? ¬†That simply will not do! You have to make more.”

This is our shtick. I am his very broke sugar mama and apparently he is my very underpaid gigolo and it works for us.

Chicken For Breakfast?

I am used to having chicken for breakfast. There’s all sorts of versions of chickens that you could consume. Chicken sausage, chicken and waffles, eggs with breaded chicken, fried chicken and grits, chicken and egg burritos (I could keep going). But, what do You do when a chicken comes to eat breakfast?

I was left quite perplexed when I heard a knocking on the front door at 7:30 am. It was a soft little knock that turned out to be this chickens, pecking on the front door. ¬† I didn’t know if she understood why I wasn’t feeding her when I came to see who was waking us up. ¬†She followed me about the front yard jerking her head around spasmodically (by humans standards but naturally for a chickens). I tried to find some feed for her and found none. Not knowing what exactly a chicken eats besides corn (I think),I stood and looked at her perplexed.

Then a thought occurred to me, ¬†“Maybe she is offering herself up for me to eat! ¬†Maybe this is not about her being hungry at all, and has everything to do with me being hungry!!”

Then I started looking for that big hatchet my man has.

(Just kidding)

 

EPP

I was having an interesting conversation with a friend of mine and he was telling me he likes to have an edible before bed. Edible, in this sense refers to a sweet with marrijuana in it. He said it helps him sleep like a rock and that maybe I’m tired a lot because I don’t sleep soundly. Then his mind started to wonder, as some men’s minds do and he started talking about sex and sexual edibles. For example, rubbing lotions you can eat and/ or edible panties. He, I am sure was going even further into thoughts of sex and taking panties off, but my twisted mind was going somewhere quite different. 

I said “EPP’s would just be a ridiculous waste of money!” 

“What is an EPP?” He asked.

“EPP means edible Pot Panties” I replied.

He just started cracking up. “No really if you think about it, what a oxymoron those would be?” I insisted, “you start gettin all turned on when your making out with your woman. Then you start getting busy with her and discover there’s a fruit snack waiting for you. So, you eat the panties. One because that would be sexy as hell, right? Two because you want to get inside of them.”  

My friend is now chuckling sinisterly. So, I keep going, ” finally you naw through the pot infused fruit wrap panties and start to attack the tasty center, (I was going to say, chocolatey goodness in the center of it all but then we get into the entire argument of  ‘how many licks does it take to get to the center….’ But how appropriate is that?)  and just when things are getting going and /or rising. (LoL I’m killing myself) you start to trip out from the weed!” 

“No!!!!” My friend yells out cracking up and says, “I would probably start drooling”.  

“Eeeewwwwww” I squeal “because drooling is sexy!”

We are now both cracking up. So, I keep going, “It’s never sexy when your partner is going down on you and forgets what he’s doing! Can’t you just see it? His face is planted nicely in my crotch and SuddenlyI he lefts up his head with a confused look on his face, and says, ‘where  am I?’ What do I  do now? What would you say?” I ask. 

My friend has now fallen off his chair laughing  replies, “you tell him he had the munchies so you gave him something to eat!”

Just another Fun Filled conversation in LoLa-Land. 

You’re getting old

My niece came home with me after Easter.  She thought she’d spend the night with me, since she does not have school tomorrow and I was welcoming the company.  I never like to spend the holidays alone.  But, she made a couple comments tonight, that made me feel like I’m just getting old. Granted she’s 13 and doesn’t always think about people’s feelings before she speaks, but; it still effects  my feelings.

I walked out of my room ready to go and my neice looked at me and asked, “auntie! Did your boobs get smaller? ” 

I haven’t been losing any weight so I didn’t think they were. I replied, “no? “A bit surprised, “why do you ask that?” 

“because they look like they have gotten smaller” she replies.  Then a look of “knowledge recall”, came over her face, ” oh your starting to shrink Auntie!”

” WHAT!?” I yelp

” you know what I’m talking about? You know,  like when people get older,  they start to shrink, your boobs are just probably starting to prune!”

I just stood there and looked at her. I wanted to flip her off, but I figured my sister would get mad. Come on prune?! I’m only 41!

Then just now she made me feel like I was old again.  Because she told me “man you’re like old!” Because I said I was going to bed.  Granted it’s only 9pm but I’m exhausted from our long Easter Day.  Of course because I’m not a kid I didn’t get a chocolate bunny to Eat the ears off, maybe that’s why I’m tired?

Oh well it was just another Easter in LoLa-land. (According to my neice it must have been my 90th Easter ūüė≥ lil brat. ) 

Going Inward Again

I’ve been a bit upset lately and have, I guess you could say, “gone inward”. ¬†Because of this I have been a bit tight lipped and haven’t been writing much. ¬†I feel like I just don’t know what to say. I don’t feel like sharing anything, because I don’t feel anyone needs to know what I’m feeling.

I will say this, ¬†I’m trying to stay in a happy place. I’ve been doing a really good job of it too. The sunshine is back and as bright as ever. I’m smiling and laughing a lot now. But, certain things, bring these little rain clouds overhead and make me remeber some of the pain.

So, I’m working on not thinking about those things. And focusing on the good in my life and how completely plentiful the good in my life is. ¬†I love my job and my coworkers rock. I love my home and how I can easily maintain it. I’m thinking of the people who are there for me when I needed them. The healthy extensive family I have and The good in the great friends, who through thick and thin, ¬†still love me.

It’s Peace within time in LoLa-Land

Now?

She couldn’t figure out why he was asking her where she was dancing that night. She hadn’t seen him in three years, she hadn’t kissed him in  four.  She was tempted not to tell him where she was because, what the hell does he need to know for?  But, curiosity got the better of her, and she told him. 

“I’ll see you soon!” He responded.  As She thought to herself, “I hope he’s kidding!”

It wasn’t much longer before she saw him at the end of the dance floor by the entrance watching her.  “FUCK!!  What does he want Now!” Was all that came to mind as she looked over her other shoulder to see if her husband was still holding court with his dudes, and he was. 

She put her finger up to her ex lover to motion that she would be a moment and walked over to her husband to grab her purse. 

“I’m going to have a smoke” she said “I’ll be right back.”

Her husband looked up at her and nodded a response that he had heard her. He is a man of few words. 

She pivoted and walked towards the door, motioning to her ex to folllow her. Once outside she asked the inevitable question, “what are you doing here?”

“I love you!” He said

“WHAT!” She almost shrieked. 

“I know it’s been awhile and I know we’ve been through a lot and I’m sorry I didn’t realize it before Now, but I love you and I want you back. Your my soul mate ” he replied calmly. 

She took a very long drag of her smoke and glared at him.  Torn by her emotions of being flattered that this man she longed for, for a decade would finally admit his ignorance and love. But, this was also the  man that she had done everything for, cook, clean, laundry, bringing him lunch and coffees. This was the man who would put her looks and clothes down. This was also the man who was so cheap he made her pay for half of everything and would comment on the costs of the meals she purchased.  This man was the man that broke her heart? 

She finally spoke, “Now! You say these things to me NOW?! I’m married. I’ve been married for years! I was alone for a year after you broke my heart! I cried over you that entire year and you never came!  When we were together  you never treated me right. You cared more about what you collected then me.  Your houses, your cars, your jobs. All you wanted me for was to be just another  collectible.  You put me up on the shelf and took me down only when you needed the eye candy on your arm. It’s too little, too late. I’m gone Now and I’ve been gone for years.”  

With that she turned on her heel and left.  Feeling almost sorry for him. If he truly feels she is his soul mate then he is destined to walk the rest of his life alone. Because there is no question in her mind that she was with the right man, now. 

 

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan