Cooking is Good. Right?

Latey I’ve noticed a certain phenomenon in my world that is not working out well for me. I’ve noticed that my balance in my check book has been going down quickly and at the same time the number on my scale has been going up quickly.  I am still working out but I am still gaining weight.  I know what it is and it has everything to do with my complete lack of interest in anything to do with cooking. I will eat out at any given opportunity. Which can usually mean 1 to 2 times a day.  Very rarely do I eat all of my daily intake of food from my own kitchen.  

I’m not stupid I know the way to switch the changing of my scale and pocketbook numbers. So, today I decided to make it a reality and I did something I NEVER do, I cooked. I went to the local farm and picked up a bunch of yummy fresh produce.  

  
The I went home and started cleaning and slicing all of it.  I even busted out the knife set I won at last years family “white elephant” Christmad gift exchange.  I cook so rarely, that in over 6 months, I never once took it from its packaging. 

  
I wanted to prep for my week knowing how lazy I get after working 8 hours.  So I sliced up some mushrooms, green onions, bell pepper, garlic, and Swiss chard with some olive oil, salt and saut√©ed it all together. Then blended it in with a dozen eggs and made breakfast for myself for the week. 

  
Homemade egg muffins 

I then sliced up celery, cucumbers and tomatoes, then bagged them up in ready made snack bags, I could easily grab. At the same time I was, Dethawing chicken and baking it in a barbecue sauce. My kitchen smelled delictable.  The last time it smelt that good was when “The sweatheart” came over with his baked chicken one night.  I was kinda of impressed with myself.  Especially when i checked the baking chicken to Find it a beautiful golden brown color. 

But, as per normal LoLa experiences. As I tried to gently wedge my egg muffins from the pan, the bottoms stuck to it and ripped away from the muffin.  Then I smelt something burnng  and peeked into the oven, only to find my Golden chicken had quickly turn black. I reached in quickly to pull the chicken out, to avoid any further burning of my week’s worth of lunch, totally forgetting that the handle was hot. I now have what feels like a second-degree burn on my thumb and have not been able to let go of some sort of ice product since it happened .  When I cleaned up all the unused veggies, I guess I put too many in the garbage disposal at once because at some point the water stopped draining and just spun in circles.

 
Again I ask myself (and I think understandably so), “LoLa do you think you should just eat out from now on?” Because the plumber bill and doctor visit will cost more than the dinner out 

Just another 911 cooking Experiance in LoLa-Land 

Awkward Feeling

Last night one of my nieces graduated and the entire family was there.  Even though My Wasbund is not a part of the family anymore by marriage, he was invited; because, After two decades together and all the times spent, he will always be part of our family.  Together we watched these kids grow up, it seemed necessary to have him be there with us.  He and I even discussed carpooling but I had a schedule crunch and we ended up going separately . 

When I arrived at the event my family was split into two sections.  Essentially one long row cut in two by an aisle.  My Wasbund sat on one side with family and an open seat next to him. Then on the other side, sat my mom, dad, niece and another open seat.  When I got there I didn’t know what to do, I paused in the aisle looking right and left, and then right again. When my niece pointed to the empty seat next to her, and says, ” auntie”.  Then my mom says, ” we saved you a seat and points to the same empty seat half way down the aisle, and the farthest from my Wasbund.  Embarrassed to be standing in the aisle, near the front of the event, I wanted to make a decision fast and sit down, as I imagined 100’s of pairs of eyes on me at once.  I did as promoted and sat down next to my niece.  I had to lean all the way forward to even be able to even see my Wasbund feet.  

Midway into the graduation I was struck by a weird sensation of loneliness. I could since something was missing and I didn’t like it. I quickly realized what it was when I felt a since of joy as my niece walked to her seat, I turned to give my Wasbund one of our ” knowing looks” and he wasn’t there. I leaned forward, looking down the long row in his direction, only to find, he was leaning forward looking at me. We then exchanged the our “look at her, she’s all grown up” look.  

I texted him, “I wish we were sitting next to each other” 

He replied, ” me too” 

We maybe divorced, but we have never hated one another. I know I will always love him and I think he feels the same for me. When we were leaving I told my family that I felt awkward not sitting with my Wasbund and at the next event, I want to make sure he and I are together.  

The Anger Within

I think I need to step away from people. Lately I have spent time being angry at different people in my life. I’m angry at them for hurting me and yet I am the one who continues to let them hurt me. I don’t like anger.  I don’t want it in my heart. Yet, I can’t seem to let go of this feeling of utter disappointment in certain people.   I’m so disappointed in them, I am mad at them.  Then I get mad at myself for letting anger in my heart Because I’m disappointed with others for hurting me. 

When I sit back and realize This I wonder, “am I expecting too much of people? Or should these people just not be in my life anymore”? That’s not my typical M.O.  I don’t usually give up on people especially friends. The only people that usually come in and out of my life are men and that’s only when their assholes!  Right now I have more male friends then female friends because I have gone out with so many men and not liked them enough to date them, but liked them as people and became friends with them. 

But then I find myself disappointed in these men, because I think we are tight until they meet a woman, and then I am not even an after thought for them and I feel like “maybe they were only hanging with me in hopes of getting laid some day” I don’t know?  But then, yet again,  I find myself disappointed in more people. 

Sometimes i think I need to just shut down all of my online profiles (even this one) and keep to myself for awhile. But then based on one of my last posts, would I become extreamly depressed?  How does and extrovert stay happy when trying to make  themselves introverted? What other way can i exercise  my extravertness without having to deal with others. 

Are my expectations of people too high? Or do some people have too high expectations of me? Where does the pain and disappointment in people come from. Why do I allow their departures to effect me so negatively. I know I don’t want people around me who don’t like me. So why do I care if they decide to leave?  

This weekend I had the unpleasant Experiance of having to be around a old friend who decided 6 months ago she didn’t want to be my friend. I was asked by someone else to take a picture of her and this old non-friend of mine. I was taking the picture when the non-friend started to bitch at me about how I was taking the picture. It took me back to years of listening to her bitch and complain about my driving or the things I say and her constant put downs of me. So, I calmly set the camera down in the middle of their posing and walked away, as I said to myself, “you don’t need to listen to her shit for one more fucking second!” I Then spent the rest of the day upset by some of her later comments. 

So even though I was able to acknowledge internally that I didn’t like how she was treating me, for some reason I still let her BS effect me, and at this point she is not even a spike in my menstral cycle.  She separated herself completely from my life, so why do I give a flying fuck what she has to say or think? 

These kinds of experiences keep happening to me and only add to what fuels my anger. I feel like the only way to get it to stop, is to stop adding fuel. Since it seems having people treat me disrespectfully is that fuel for my anger, then I should stop being around these types of people.  But so far these types of people , have have consisted of, best friends and boyfriends, what does that leave?  

How does one continue to stay open to people when close loved ones keep hurting them? 

Of course that’s en entirely different big post now isint it? 

Was it the Meal Or The Company 

Last night, my date owed me big time. He told me after he stood me up that he wished that he had not screwed up. I wish he had not screwed up as well.  I actually liked this guy. So when he offered to make it up to me I had to ask him, “what would you have In mind?” 

“well for starters I want to get you some flowers; but, I need to know what you like.  Then I want to take you to a really nice restaurant and have A really amazing romantic meal, not some burrito from down the street.  Then I want to take you Home and give you an amazing foot massage” He answered. 

Of course this all sounded fine to me. I wanted to see him again. so, I was actually quite thrilled to have him want to make an effort to see me. I emailed him back and said, 

“alright I’ll go out with you, as long as it’s one of two restaurants.” 

And then I listed two of the more expensive restaurants in town.  Ones that I had never eaten at, but always wanted to go to.  I figured if he made the money he said he does and he felt as bad as he said he felt it shouldn’t be a problem, and it wasn’t. 

When we got to the restaurant that night he told the hostess “yes reservations for professor Sinjen Pepperpot.”  I started cracking up because this was not his name. The hostess looks at him surprised and said, “we thought your reservations were going to be a joke”. 

Once seated we found ourselves suddenly a part of one of the most wonderful meals either of us have ever experienced.  My date and I enjoyed some of the craziest foods I have ever had.  Startig with a meat and cheese platter consisting of things like, buffalo and surf and turf cheese.  Honey Almonds, cherries in kumquat juice, pickled peaches and fresh sourdough bread, duck jerky and special pork salami.  We also really enjoyed our main course. My date had a delicious chicken pot pie, while I enjoyed baked chicken on a bed of collard greens and cheesy polenta. When we were done feasting and figured there was no way we could eat anything else.  The  chef (who happens to be my friend) set us up with two desserts, which consisted of a small dish with a littlle spoonful of mushrooms, eggs and sugar blended   together. It tasted like candied ice cream. The other dish was a thick frosting-fudge like bowl of dark chocolate heaven, topped with a thick layer of salted Carmel. I melted into my chair when I scooped into these two amazing desserts. I was fine to die right then and there, I was so content. 

 

When we left the restaurant we were both so blissfully full and very turned on. The rest of the evening will stay a secret. I will say this, the evening only got better after that meal and I will definitely be seeing Professor Sinjen pepperpot again! I don’t know if it was the meal or the company but it was an amazing evening.  

The Art of Being Alone (and not wanting to kill yourself)

The universe is speaking to me loud and clear. I am supposed to be alone right now.  Apparently, I am to be spending time getting to know myself better.  All the men I liked are gone. All of my friends are dating someone else, my nieces and nephews are growing up.  And the men left online still looking for love ( or sex), flare no intertst in me what so ever. 

I’m not scared by this thought of being alone, but I am scared of what that means for my psyche.  I am all to familiar with what happens to me When I spend too much time alone.  I’m an extrovert by nature. I thrive on human contact. I love getting to know new people. I think that is why I like being single and dating; Because, I can get to know a number of different people easily. 

So, how does one go about being successfully alone? Do I stop talking to people? Do I not reach out to anyone? Do I just wait for people to come to me and if they do, do I open the door? But, is isolation the key to getting to know oneself better?  Especially, when meeting new people, Is how I learn more about myself.   I like to see how I respond to peope and to what they have told me. Afterwards when I’m alone I rethink (sometimes ) entire conversations, I then judge myself and the reactions I did or didn’t have,  to their comments and try to figure out why I felt the way I did. 

How do I process silence? How do I ascertain, how I feel about my reactions, when there’s nothing to react to ? 

Uncharted territory ahead in LoLa-Land 

The Thoughtless Man

I Had another date lined up this weekend.  I was starting to get irritated with him at one point because he asked me out about a week prior and since asking me out, only contacted me maybe two times. I don’t like that at all, it Makes the date very difficult to face because it truly is a ” blind date” at that point.  It also tells me, ” this person has no desire in getting to know me at all “. Sometimes if I don’t hear from my perspective suitor by a certain time to confirm the dates, place and time, I will make other plans.  Because if a man really wanted to see me he would be more attentive then that. He did finally call me and  He suggested a location, ” what about the Hilton?” he asked.

” I don’t meet men in hotels. ” I replied 

” the bar overlooks the city and has a nice outside patio.” He responds

” oh ok  sounds perfect” I reply 

So we made plans to meet later then we originally planned. Which was fine but, It ended up being cold but beautiful; my date was not.  He was wearing a dirty work shirt that his large belly protruded out from underneath. He had obviously posted a picture of himself taken about 10 years earlier . He was about two inches shorter than stated on his profile and he now weighed about 40lbs more than he did in his online pictures. 

I sat down acceoss from him, feeling very irritated because yet again I was disappointed. But, I was going to keep my chin up and make the best of the date. Just then the waiter brings my date a drink. I arrived 1 minute after we planned and he couldn’t wait to be seated or order drinks with me? Then he says, to the waiter (without asking me) “she’ll take one of these as well.”   All I can think at this point is “you think it might behoove him to see if I like that type of drink first”  

We make small talk and then the waiter comes up to see if we wanted anything to eat. My date orders Calamari and doesn’t ask me what I want.  I am again struck my his thoughtlessness, but I don’t want to spend any more of his money, because I know I don’t want to see him again. 

Then he says to me “so Lauren you have three kids right?”  I could not believe my ears. This man has no idea what my name is or the fact that I have no kids.  Was he even expecting me when I showed up?  Instead of answering him I just smiled and called the waiter over. “I’ll have another drink please and make it a double”  I asked.  My date looked a bit surprised and I am hoping irritated. 

“That’s not my name and I don’t have three kids” I said to him. 

He chucked “hu hu sorry, what’s your name?” He asked.

“I’ll let you figure this one out on your own big guy” I replied. 

Which of course gave him something to say for the remainder or our date. He figured it out on about guess # 6. I was actually surprised he got it that quickly. Of course once he did figure it out, he wanted kudos, like he deserved a prize for remembering the name of his date? 

When the bill came it sat in between us for about five minutes and no one looked at it. The waiter even picked it up before and payment was laid down. That’s when my date finally pulled out some cash. All I could think was, “oh no honey, you asked me out, picked the place, ordered (almost ) everything without my input and forgot my name, you can pay!  

When we parted he asked for a hug.  I gave him a quick one armed squeeze and then quickly jumped in my car.  Only to have him text me about 15 minutes later.  The text said this, “Id. Love to see how the sex is with ya”.  I responded by, not responding at all. And that was my Friday night of fun. 

Just another sad single night in LoLa-Land 

Saturday’s View

Every Saturday morning I start my day walking in one of the most amazingly beautiful parks in the world (according to me) and its right in my back yard. I Always walk with one of my college friends and loyal blog follower. Here are some shots of my saturdays view. 

   
               

Incapacitated By My Own Thoughts

I woke up this morning at the ungodly hour of 2:47 am. I was sweating like crazy.  The hair that laid captured under my neck was wet from perspiration, as was the sheet underneath me. My first thought was, “is this a hot flash from menopause? Am I already in that stage”?

Then I quickly noted that my heart was racing; we’re talking  off the chart, record speeds.  My breath was quick and short and all I could feel  within, was fear! Complete and utter fear was causing my throat to close up.  My chest felt like someone had just kicked me in the heart.  I realized I was officially freaking out. 

Then it became  pep talk time, here comes my internal conversation with myself. “ok Lola your tripping.  What’s going on? Whatever you were dreaming about is causing you to go into a straight up panic attack! Breath girl! Just breath! Clear your head”!

I laid there, in the same spot on my soaked sheets, and I closed my eyes, and only thought of the act of breathing. In and out, that’s all I thought about, just breath.  That’s all I remember, I woke up a few hours later.  I wish  I could say I remembered what had me all freaked out, but all I cared about at that time was calming myself down before I gave myself a heart attack.  

There is nothing wrong in my life. I am healthy  and my family is healthy. There are strong roofs over everyone’s heads.  I have enough money. I have enough food. I am free. What else really matters?  

What possible thoughts would have me incapacitated like that? I wish I knew because I wouldn’t think about that anymore or I would sink into it to get to the bottom of the fear. I will be honest the feeling of fear still resides currently  within me, like a really low voice in my head telling me not to do something. I just hope I figure it out soon because waking up like that sucked!

Saying Goodbye To A Home

I found myself oddly depressed this weekend. My best friend and her mom packed up the rest of their belongings and had to leave the house they have lived in for over 30 years.  I knew I would be depressed to see them go, that was not the part that I found odd. The odd part was realizing how Sad I was to say goodbye to their home as well as them. 

I met Crys one of my best and oldest friends when I was in 7th grade. Her parents and her sibling had just moved into this brand new subdivision in town. Her parents were smart enough to buy before it was even built ,so they chose a lot right in front of the big neighborhood park.  

Crys and I were 12 when we met and would look at the large vacant lot that was fenced off,  with signs of the future park posted all over it, and imagine about how much fun we would have when it was done. Of course by the time the park was finished we were about 14 and parks were just not our thing anymore. 

I remember swimming in their doughboy pool in the backyard . I then remember watching the pool that we stopped swimming in because in high school we wanted to go hang out with boys, get thrown out and saw a three level koi pond buit in its place.  For years now I have fed those beautiful fish and listened to the trickling of the water. 

I remember in high school,  Crys and I were hiding boys In her closet. We would have them climb in her window at night. And when her parents wokeup for work we would hide them in the closet so they wouldn’t know any boys were there. 

I watched her dad die a very slow painful death in that house. I felt death for years every time I would wak inside. The house got quieter and quieter as dads pain level rose. When he left us, even though we were all so sad, we were all relieved he was no longer in pain. I felt the life come back into the home again as death left with dad. 

I remember when Crys decided to paint her room electric blue. But chose acrylic paint instead of the water based paint, like the one  that was already on the wall. That stuff stayed wet for like 3 days. We weren’t sure if it would ever dry. Now I wonder if the new owners will be able to get rid of that?

When my wasbund and I were starting to have problems it was this house that I stayed.    Mom gave me a room with a bed And a house key and said “whenever you need a place its yours!”  I remember feeling so lost and alone and not knowing which way to go in my life and being on the cusp of a massive depression.   I would hear Crys and her mom start laughing at some dimwit on judge Judy from the living room and I would get pulled out of my painful thoughts. 

I lived vicariously with my BFF in this childhood home of hers!  Watching them pack up all their memories along with their possessions and leave this home away from home, has been so sad.  I don’t know how I will feel not being able to just go through the back gate, careful not to step in a poop pile a dog left behind, so that I can come in the back door.  

There have been so very many good times and so many very painful times, but what’s hard to see go is just all the times. I know we will make new memories in new places but there will be no more memories made at this place and that breaks my heart. 

Where am I gonna go on Sunday afternoon when the world is busy with their families and I am home alone?. I would have gone to their house because they are my family.   Dad comes frequently to visit as the dragonfly that he has become, will he follow them to their new home in another state or will he hover around his pond still?  I don’t know I just know I’m devastated to see them go and feel a bit vulnerable not to have this childhood home. 

   
Dad on a leaf hovering above the pond he wanted. 

 

My BFF, Crys I love her 

  
Us with mom. 

I am going to miss it all.

Finding Two New Chicks For My Man

I was hanging with one of my younger nieces this weekend when I got a very sad call from the man I’m seeing.  He seemed really very down and I could tell he was really upset just by his tone.  He said to me very softly, ” they’re both dead. Both my chicks died”. He sounded so defeated I didn’t know what to say.

” WHAT! What do you mean they died!” I protested.

“I don’t know babe, I went out to their home that I made for them and they were both dead!  I think they got too cold last night. But I got them new bedding and everything. I don’t know?! I feel so bad! I killed them!” He sounded so depressed.

” oh honey you didn’t mean to kill them!” I declared.

I had to go and run some errands. I told my neice who was with me what he said and she and I agreed we had to help him feel better. So we went down to the local feed store and picked him up two of the cutest damn three day old chicks you’d ever seen.

  

We found out exactly what they needed to stay alive and even picked up some horse food for the horse.  My mans face was so sweet when we dropped the chicks off to him. When he saw what we got for him he was so awestruck by our gift, I thought he would cry.

Thankfulky he did not cry, because my neice would have been uncomfortable by that.  instead this very sweet man took those chicks and lovingly gave them a nice box in his home where they could stay around 99 degrees.  I never thought I’d ever get a man I’m sleeping with another chick, and most definitely not two chicks.

Times they are a changing!

Cluck cluck

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan