The Anger Within

I think I need to step away from people. Lately I have spent time being angry at different people in my life. I’m angry at them for hurting me and yet I am the one who continues to let them hurt me. I don’t like anger.  I don’t want it in my heart. Yet, I can’t seem to let go of this feeling of utter disappointment in certain people.   I’m so disappointed in them, I am mad at them.  Then I get mad at myself for letting anger in my heart Because I’m disappointed with others for hurting me. 

When I sit back and realize This I wonder, “am I expecting too much of people? Or should these people just not be in my life anymore”? That’s not my typical M.O.  I don’t usually give up on people especially friends. The only people that usually come in and out of my life are men and that’s only when their assholes!  Right now I have more male friends then female friends because I have gone out with so many men and not liked them enough to date them, but liked them as people and became friends with them. 

But then I find myself disappointed in these men, because I think we are tight until they meet a woman, and then I am not even an after thought for them and I feel like “maybe they were only hanging with me in hopes of getting laid some day” I don’t know?  But then, yet again,  I find myself disappointed in more people. 

Sometimes i think I need to just shut down all of my online profiles (even this one) and keep to myself for awhile. But then based on one of my last posts, would I become extreamly depressed?  How does and extrovert stay happy when trying to make  themselves introverted? What other way can i exercise  my extravertness without having to deal with others. 

Are my expectations of people too high? Or do some people have too high expectations of me? Where does the pain and disappointment in people come from. Why do I allow their departures to effect me so negatively. I know I don’t want people around me who don’t like me. So why do I care if they decide to leave?  

This weekend I had the unpleasant Experiance of having to be around a old friend who decided 6 months ago she didn’t want to be my friend. I was asked by someone else to take a picture of her and this old non-friend of mine. I was taking the picture when the non-friend started to bitch at me about how I was taking the picture. It took me back to years of listening to her bitch and complain about my driving or the things I say and her constant put downs of me. So, I calmly set the camera down in the middle of their posing and walked away, as I said to myself, “you don’t need to listen to her shit for one more fucking second!” I Then spent the rest of the day upset by some of her later comments. 

So even though I was able to acknowledge internally that I didn’t like how she was treating me, for some reason I still let her BS effect me, and at this point she is not even a spike in my menstral cycle.  She separated herself completely from my life, so why do I give a flying fuck what she has to say or think? 

These kinds of experiences keep happening to me and only add to what fuels my anger. I feel like the only way to get it to stop, is to stop adding fuel. Since it seems having people treat me disrespectfully is that fuel for my anger, then I should stop being around these types of people.  But so far these types of people , have have consisted of, best friends and boyfriends, what does that leave?  

How does one continue to stay open to people when close loved ones keep hurting them? 

Of course that’s en entirely different big post now isint it? 


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Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan