This Ocean Of Mine

Aching Pain was felt while salty tears fell
Becoming A roaring ocean of waves and swells

Honest words floated from quivering lips
As the waters lapped at fingertips

Pleads for comfort devoured the air
Awaiting the bite of that which scares

As loneliness plagued this youthful soul

Empty Promises whispered of upcoming joys
Stories spoken were all embedded with ploys

Good Times to remember like all the rest
Taking steps back to bring friendship to breast

Holding onto smoke as the mirrors brake

Reaching out for more invisible air
Gripping the waters that are no longer there

Desperately holding onto nothing but sound
No island of tranquility in this ocean to be found

Lies of love and care fall into hopeful ears
Holding onto to that which was never there

A belief of unyielding love

Storms reside behind the backs of old loves
Interrupting the visuals of kissing doves

Holding tight to the side of a tiny boat
Hopes that salty tears will help stay afloat

In this endless ocean of fallen tears


First Date Adventure

Last night I had another first date and In typical LoLa Fashon, it went amazing! (Lmao). Actually the date wasn’t bad at all. He’s a very good looking man.  He’s my age and he was very pleasant to talk to.  He picked me up and we drive out to the coast. We were at this one particular beach for a few hours. We sat at and talked for awhile then we walked all the way to one end and watched sea lions play. Then we walked all the way to the other end. It really wasn’t that far of a walk. But when you throw in the sandy terrain it feels much farther (especially to your butt).  

At one point I saw something I’ve never seen before there at that beach. It seems a tree either fell or crashed to shore. This large tree (about 30 feet long) was jetting out of the sand. The base laid buried beneath the sand but the tip of the tree hovered about 7feet in the air; Because of the way the sand was washed away under the top of it. The tree almost reminded me of the plank on the side of a pirates ship. You start on a solid surface but as you keep walking you realize your suspended in air. 

So, I say to my unsuspecting date, ” can you hold these?” Handing him my shoes.  I turned and ran to the base of the tree because I was suddenly hell bent on walking on it.  I stepped up on the side of the base of the tree, where of course the circumference of my walkway was nice and large and not moving an inch in any direction. But, with each passing step my playform got smaller and smaller (as trees get narrower the taller they get). At the same time the earth got farther and farther away. With each new step there was a Little more give in the tree, causing it to start to almost bounce when I took a step. I got about 2/3 way accross the tree when I saw my 6 foot tall date standing below me looking at me. It was then that I realized just how far off the ground I was, because the tip of the tree was still hovering in the air ABOVE his head.  

Realizing I would have a farther than average drop if I lost my balance and because my platform was now the same width as my two feet together and bouncing all around, I felt the need to stop and turn around. My date first flashed a few shots of me posed in the sky (which I wonder if I will ever see).   I Then needed to turn around to walk back and I froze! 

I literally could not move an inch. I looked at my impressed date with absolute horror in my eyes. “Oh shit! I’m frozen what do I do?” At this point there are other people watching me. A random woman calls out, “I thought you were ballsy to get up there in the first place. I can’t believe you walked that far out!”  All I could think was, “don’t be impressed until I get off of this thing in one piece”.  

My date suggested I sit down and turn around.  Even though I knew I would feel safer sitting down, I knew by the bounce in the tree that I would never be able to get up again. The tree was all knobby with knots all over it, so the last thing I wanted to do was drag my bottom half along the tree back to the base. I could just imagine how painful that would be on my Vagina and thighs. Nope! I need to turn around or try to jump was my solution.  

After surveying those two options and again seeing my date fitting under the tree top still, I opted to slowly (very very slowly) and with baby steps shuffled myself back around so I was facing the base of the tree again. Once completely turned around (turning took a good two minutes lol) I slowly walked back towards the earth with the tree still bouncing around underneath me.  With each step there was less bounce, with each step my platform got wider again and with each step my confidence grew. Finally the tree was back to being covered in sand and I could jump off the death trap I had gotten myself into. I took one big agreesive step which  lI was going to use the momentum from to jump off this plank of death. 

Typical LoLa Fashon, because the depth defying air walk (lmao) was not enough. Just as I landed my last step, to jump off the tree from, my right foot hit this hidden knob and I jammed the fatty ball under my toe on to it  perfectly.  As I was jumping back into the safe sand all I felt was immense pain shooting from my foot. Once on solid ground I could barely walk. I dropped to my butt quickly and held my foot not making a sound. It was almost like when a kid falls and they don’t cry right away. Then 30 seconds later they scream, that’s when you know it really hurt.  

My date was confused, by all visual accounts all went fine. I made it off the plank of death (Ahahah I love my exaggeration). 

 “Are you ok” he asked 

“Ummm no” I say breathlessly as I am trying not to scream, “I hurt my foot really bad”. 

“What? How ? What did you do?” He asked me

“I don’t know I really can’t feel anything” I replied

I then stood up, trying to be cool. All I could think was “suck it up buttercup! Be cool in front of this dude”.  I smiled at him and said, “let’s go”. He turned to leave as I took my first step. I knew with that  step that I wasn’t going anywhere soon and fell back down to my butt. He turned back to me surprised I was on my butt again. He looked so confused. 

“I can’t. I can’t walk! It hurts so bad. Can you please look at it and tell me what’s going on?” I asked him as I grabbed the side of my dirty injured foot and put it up in the air so he could look at it.  Right about the time he looked closely at it and started to almost puke I realized I had bloody chunks of sand on my hand. 

“Woe I’m bleeding!” I say surprised 

“Oh my god” my date says looking like he may pass out. 

“What the hell! What’s going on?” I ask slightly freaked out by his reaction and the fact that I can still only feel pain coming from my foot. “How bad is it?”

“I can’t look, I can’t” he says squeamishly 

Really this man has kids, I’m surprised he’s so freaked out. “Can you at least tell me if I have a cut on my foot or a chunk missing?” I ask him. 

My date unwillingly leans back down again and surveys my bloody stump. Again he appears to want to vommit and says, “it’s a chunk! Oh my god!”  

Now he has incredibly freaked out. I’m wondering if I need stitches or a complete amputation. I grabbed my injured foot and turned it as far as I could, so I could see the injured location. Sure enough right under my baby toe was a chunk of skin missing from the  fold under my toe and the pad of my foot. The chunk of skin was actually still hanging off of one side.   I brushed the bloody sand away and quickly yanked the demolished skin off of the side of my new hole.  I didn’t realize my date was still watching me and seeing me pull the bloody skin off made him start groaning like he was going to be sick. 

We decided that he would walk back to the car and drive it to the parking lot I was now only 40 feet from and I would try to hobble to the road on my own or wait for him to come help me.  I was able to walk with my heal to the road where I put on my flip flops and hobbled to the bathroom for toilet paper. Once my date drove up, I sat in the car cleaning my wound with a bottle of fresh drinking water I had in the car. My date couldn’t handle it and walked away while I doctored my injury.  What I really wanted was to go into the water and have the salt clean my wound but I was closer to the road then the ocean and it hurt too much to walk.  Once cleaned up I saw that is wasn’t really that bad, just a really bad location. 

 I wonder if my date will be asking me out again?. I wonder how many bloody first dates he has had. 

Just another great day in LoLa-land.


Money Woes

It all seems to come down to money. Money seems to be the theme for the month… Okay maybe years. I work with money all day and I can never personally seem to have enough money.  But, there have been some odd situations around friends and money that have been happening lately that makes me pause and wonder what the lesson in it all is? 

A young hearted friend of mine was just recently burned by a friend because she loaned this friend of hers money. The woman stopped talking to my friend as soon as she gave her the money.  This total abandonment (if you will) has left my dear friend completely upset and feeling very taken advantage of.  I don’t blame her for feeling that way either. She has never been “screwed” by a friend this way and as much as, I want to fix it for her she also needs to know that these things happen. She needs to know that,

People will use you for money. 
I have another friend who has recently started seeing someone who has a very rich daddy. Daddy pays for everything.  Daddy likes my friend and wants his child to Marry my friend, so; he will pay for everything all the time for both of them.  Both of them have solid degrees and good jobs. Both are strong and smart and yet they take daddy’s money.  I don’t get this? Why? Why are you still taking daddy’s money? I have found the admiration I had for my friend diminishing because of the   willing acceptance of daddy’s gifts.  But, even though I am irritated, it seems daddy is not.  It almost feels as though daddy is going out of his way to make my friend completely enchanted with their family and his child. It is almost like he is buying my friends love. 

People will use money to buy you. 
I’m personally always aware of the money issues with regards to dating. I have had a lot of awkward conversation with men I’m with about who is paying. It’s always such a turn on when a man just says, “I got this because I am old school”. It’s so nice not to feel like your doing something wrong because you went somewhere to eat.   I’ve had issues with friends and the whole, “let’s split the bill in half” and their portion of the bill is far more than half. Do you say something, or do you suck it up and split the bill? 

Money can destroy relationships. 

Good Mood

I’m taking some time off for awhile
Taking some time for myself
I’m throwing things I don’t want in a pile
I’m clearing all useless crap off my shelf

I’m not going to hold on to anger anymore
No more energy will be spent on the negative
If you visit me leave your drama at the door
Or at least give your anger a strong sedative

I’m going to breath deeply and smile
Remember to only focus on all that’s good
For happiness I’m willing to go the extra mile
My goal is to always stay in this good mood

The Girl Friend vs Girlfriend

This year has been all about getting to be on the other side of the Girlfriend spectrum.  When I say other side I am speaking of the fact that I have not been the Insecure Girlfriend this year, but rather forced to deal with the outcome of such a woman. Let me explain….

I have been the “Girlfriend” in the past, feeling very insecure in my relationship; Not sure if my man is being faithful or not. Scared that if I keep falling in-love with him, that I’m sure to get my heart broken.  Never being sure that he is where he says he is, or is doing what he says he’s actually doing. It’s not a enjoyable place to be in and I tend to run from relationships that make me feel this way.  I get so paranoid and on edge when I’m feeling insecure. 

This year I have had three male friends (just friends) basically stop talking to me because of some psychotic or insecure girlfriend. Two of the men and I have never even been intimate.  I went on dates with them and  we didn’t jive in any kind of romantic sense, so we stayed “just friends”.  Lately, I have been more the Girl Friend to the men in my life then a girlfriend.  I like men as friends. Since I talk like a man and feel more comfortable being outside with a man,  then In a mall with woman, it seems to make sense I would have male friends. 

However, once my friends start Dating and their woman get a wiff of me or see me coming it’s over. Suddenly I am the forgotten fruit (that no one actually bit into). Or I have the one guy who I did actually have a physical relationship with, who ultimately left me in the very end, telling me his woman saw how painful are breakup was and doesn’t want me around because of that   Really? Weird that, 1- why was it so devestating when he’s the one who decided to go? 2- I’m sorry, what?  she was around for our breakup? Wow he really took some space between girlfriends. (She says sarcastically). Or another one of my friends girlfriends has decided that we have had the best sex of her mans life, so he is now not allowed to see me.  When her man told me this,  I said, “we have! Was it good? I’m sad, I didn’t even get to enjoy it!”

Currently one of my best friends is, “the Sweetheart”.  Ever since we broke up we have adtually become much closer just being friends. He recently started seeing someone and I am in constant fear that if he says anything to her about me she will put the hammer down. Which really I should say, “close the vagina” (such a powerful tool) and tell him no more sex if I stay around. If a man thinks he’s going to lose that great snatch over a person who he gets no play from, it’s a no brainer.  For men who love woman, it seems to be all about the sex and nothing else matters. Am I wrong? 

Is it just me? Do I just have so much sexual energy poring from my being,  that woman everywhere think I’m after their men? Or is this an issue with every “girl friend and girlfriend combo”?  I begged the “sweetheart” to please not throw me away (like the others did) when his woman moves to town. ” Please don’t trade me in for sex!” I said. He just shook his head and laughed at me, of course so did the others. 

Why can’t men have both the Girlfriend and the Girl Friend?  

She’s Single AgainĀ 

Do you want to hear a true story? 

Once upon a time in May of 2014, there was this woman who was running late for work and needed to check an address online so she knew where to meet her boss. She realized her laptop was upstairs behind a locked door and the key was on the key ring in the ignition of the running car outside. However her boyfriends laptop resided right on the kitchen counter.  

So, she opened up the lap top and clicked the chrome icon and up comes the World Wide Web! But, before she can type what she is even searching for, a profile to a email inbox comes up. She goes to the little box in the right hand corner of the screen to close her mans email in box, when she suddenly notices the email title saying “hello Andrew”. The woman found this rather weird considering that Andrew was not her mans name and this was his computer.  

Confused she looked down to the list of pending emails only to see emails from a dating site, okcupid.  She sees where they welcome him to OKC in Septemeber. (While they were dating). Then she sees another email with a link and she clicks it. The link takes her straight to the dating site profile.  She sees that he has no info added, no picture  posted, no emails from any woman and no history of liking anyone. It was as if he opened It and stopped. She went back to the original email for “Andrew” and saw nothing else. It was obvious he had opened this account under a false name, while they were dating but did nothing with it. 

Super late for work, she closed everything down and ran out the door feeling really hurt and disappointed. She spent most of the day wondering why he felt the need to have that when he already had a OKC on hold under his real name? However, the fact that he hadn’t done anything with it made her feel a little better. She went home that night and pulled out her diary and sure enough in Septemebr they had been fighting and even took a week apart. (Not like Ross from friends they were not on “a break”). She was irritated that he was so weak he had to almost start looking for someone else in that time. Yet, she knew things were so much better now and much time had passed. They both had worked through a bunch of shit. So, she decided to let it go. 

Finding the dating profile scared her. She hadn’t realized how close she had been to losing him. They were approaching a perfect time to show her love. It was their anniversary in a few weeks and she wanted to go all out for him. Then just a few weeks after that was his birthday and she wanted to do something really sexy for him. She soon forgot about the stupid OKC profile and fell even harder for him, when they spent about a week of doing really amazing Romantic things. They had Thai Messages in the San Francisco, steam baths in Calistoga, amazing meals. 

She was By far, more in love with him at that point in their relationship, than she had ever been.  She couldn’t wait for his birthday in a few weeks. He was having a medical procedure on his birthday as well, so she planned an entire romantic night of birthday treats just for him. 

The day before his birthday she was up really early and wasn’t quite ready to work out so she got to playing online. She suddenly remembered his Okc account and thought “maybe I should check that thing?” But, She knew he hadn’t been on it becausethey were  completely in love, and if She checked it out that would be invading his privacy and doing something she said she would never do.  But curiously consumed her as her boredom set in, and she checked his account. 

She was suddenly faced with a complete profile.  It had his basic information, his likes and his place of business as the town he lived in, which just happened to be a different town from her. It had a history of woman he looked at and woman he liked.  It had messages sent and received. She was suddenly faced with a very  active profile. She became breathless and her heart stopped.  Anger suddenly overcame her and she wanted to fucking kill him!! “How could he be shopping for another woman now when things were so good for them.”  

That night she confronted her soon to be ex -boyfriend and told him that she knew!  She knew what he had been doing and he needed to own it with her.  He became outraged and defensive, which only furthered her anger.  He refused to admit to any wrong doing. He told her to fuck off several times and then threw her house key at her wall and left. He suddenly seemed to her to be a completely different person. 

She finally told him She found out about his Okc account. Over the next couple of days he gave her All sorts of excuses, ” it’s not my account, it’s my best friends. I opened it long before you even came into my life. I didn’t even contact anyone? I haven’t been on the damn thing in like a year, I just went in recently to see if it was still active.  I wasn’t looking for a woman to date I was just looking to see what type of woman Were in that area.” It goes on but you get the picture. With each lie he told her he was essentially putting 100 more bricks on the wall she was building around her.  Bricks that if he had any hope of getting her back, he would have to knock down, one by one. But did he want to knock them down or did he want to just walk away? 

The End

Not A Word

I had another date last night with a man who does a dissapearing act every weekend. If I thought for one second I wanted to be in a relationship with this man I would run. (Which is why I turned down his request to be my boyfriend yesterday).  Normally I would be outraged by this mans obvious suspicious behavior and audacity to ask for a commitment from me.  But, because we are just hanging out for the fun of it, I don’t even want to bother caring.  ( sad but true, my sights are set on somethig else right now). 

This man is quite a delight to be with. He is cute, sexy, charming (oh there it is, like Eddy Hascal, smiling while lying) sweet, attentive and loving. He reminds me a lot of my ex husband.  But, eventually he leaves. ( this is it, here comes the problem). He leaves, and from about 5pm Friday to 12pm Monday.  He doesn’t respond to texts or calls in any way. Then every Monday I get the, ” hi honey I miss you” text. 

So, I’m not a dumb blonde especially regarding men and their “shenanigans”. I know when something odd is going on.  With this guy there is something “rotten in Denmark” and I seem to be hell bent on finding out what it is. This dissapearing act of his that usually he blames on pour cell phone choices ( but we only have phone issues on the weekend), keep me surrounded by a brick wall in distrust and suspicion.  

At the same time there is a weird phenomenon within myself regarding this man. And that is The fact that I haven’t cut and run.  Normally I would have ran far far away: but, this time I’m staying planted.   In fact I just looked him straight in the eye and I said, ” What’s up with the dissapearing act?  Where are you? What are you doing? I have no trust in you right now.  You know if you have a harem of woman I wouldn’t care. But don’t tell me I’m it and then let me find out your a whore later. Are you married?”

“No” he says.  So then I start hypothesizing the possibilities in front of him. 

” Are you a weekend crack junkie? Hanging at the crack house until Sunday night when your phone alarm goes off and you tell your junkie friends ‘I gotta go’ (said much like a stoned elmerfudd)”

“Nope but interesting” he says. 

“Are you in jail every weekend on some mandatory sentence. The judge knew you still provide for your family, so they want you to keep working and ruled that you spend the next four years of weekends in jail for… What? What did you do?” I ask

” I don’t know what did I do? This ones good, I can’t wait to hear the end of it.” He replied

” maybe your a secret agent like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies. You say your an IT guy just like him. Maybe last weekend you were actually in the middle east on some secret military mission?” I really think I’ve figured it out this time. The man  just starts cracking up.

I will get to the bottom of this mystery and I will make sure to fill you all in. 

Just some more crazy things going on in LoLa-Land.  

Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan