She Can’t Have Babies

Have I ever shared with you all, why things between the sweetheart and I didn’t work out?  He is in his very late 30’s and wants children more than anything else in the world.  I think even more then he wants to really be in love.  I am unable to have children.  Even though we got along very well he and I, the sweetheart would never open his heart completely to me because of it. He replaced me for someone who could breed and has quickly started changing his world for her, pretty much since the day after he and I called it quits. 

Yes it hurts me to see that in two short months he has allowed her to redecorate his home and they speak of marriage and their eventual litter of kids.  Yet, he and I remain close and are good friends.  In fact he says the only reason romantically, it didn’t work out for us is because I can’t have kids. He told me when we got together he wanted them and I wasn’t surprised when ultimately that’s why he decided to leave. He has assured me that he would have stayed with me if I could just have kids. 

His new fertile woman is well aware of me and though she was jealous in the beginning she quickly stopped worrying, because the sweetheart told her, ” LoLa is one of my closest friends.  she has helped me through some really hard times. And she can’t have kids.”  That information has been enough to not have her become jealous and possessive. 

I’ve never heard ” she can’t have kids” come up so often, as it does when I’m around the sweetheart.   The decision to get my tubes tide was made by my ex husband and I, years ago.  At the time we were still happily married.  It can be reversed with surgery, but I don’t want to reverse it.  I am almost 42 years old, I don’t want or have the energy for a baby in my world.  But it saddens me that a decision I made years ago changed the possible course of where I may have gone now.   
When ever I feel jealous or hurt by something that the sweatheart says about his feelings for his new woman, he always feels bad right away and hugs me and then reminds me.  “I’m sorry this hurts you. You know I have strong feelings for you and really care about you.  But you can’t have babies!”  Hearing that used to roll off the back of my shoulders like “no big deal” but now since I’ve probably heard it said about 50 times said, to me, about me and In front of me, it just feels like a stab in the heart.  

No I can’t have babies. But I have to know that  at some point a man will come into my life who doesn’t want babies but does want love and even more so, he wants me. 

Just another baby-less day in LoLa-Land


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Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan