Free Garage Chickens For Sale!

I love the “sweetheart”, he knows it and I know he loves me.  I wouldn’t say either of us are in love with the other. But, we do refer to each other as our spouses. He is my  pseudo-husband and I am pseudo-wife. We call each other this because ever since we were dating each other we have always been their for one another.  I know I can count on him for pretty much anything at anytime and visa a versa. So, when he asked me to chick sit I didn’t even hesitate to say “yes”.  

Originally when he proposed I chick sit for him for a few days, to a week, he had four cute baby chicks in a brown box under a heat lamp in his home. They were adorable  and I loved the little chirping sounds they’d make. I said, “of course! I can put them in the living room”.  However, when he brought the chicks to me, he had transferred them into a larger makeshift wood and mesh coop. The coop has an opening in the top so I could feed them. He left this chicken prison in my garage because it’s so big, we could not get the damn thing through any of my house doors.  

Chicks on arrival


I didn’t mind helping “the sweetheart” out because I know he would do the same for me. But, things are starting to get a little out of control! 
It’s been two weeks! And I’m not sure when he’s coming home.  He left for work and his job just keeps getting postponed and jacked up.  Last I heard they had to bulldoze everything down and start over.  I asked him, “babe! When are you coming home?” His exact words were, “I don’t know”.  So, Now I literally don’t know what to do!? 

I feel horrible for these chickens! It’s hot and dark in my garage.  They are living in a box full of shit that they are literally out growing it;  They have gotten so big! They refuse to stand on the coops floor because it’s so crapped on and caked with food. He left me with no means to clean their cage (because he didn’t think I would have to) and I’m not sure how I would, with them in the it. 

I can tell they hate being in their box from hell. They have all grown so big that when I put my hand in the cage to fill up the water, I get pecked at.  They have tried to fly out of the top of the cage and have come full wing-span at my face.  I start screaming every time because I’m so freaked out by their attacks.  I know  they just want out of this prison their in, I really can’t blame them. But, when they fly at me I feel like I’m in some horror show, like the twilight zone. 

They have started protesting as well. They now knock over their water bowls almost as soon as I fill them up. I think it’s in elaborate escape plan. They just want me to open their prison doors more often. They have figured out how to rattle me! Chickens may not be that stupid after all! (Or they are and they just keep jumping into their water bowls and knocking them over, I don’t know?)  

The smell is horrible. I can smell chicken shit when I’m sitting in my living room. I try to leave the big garage door open when ever I can, for as long as I can, just to get some fresh air in. But, people get robbed in my neighborhood all the time. I try to leave the light on for them for most of the day so they don’t get scared.  Now I’m worried I’m going to get rats. I’ve seen them in the streets but never in my home or in my garage.  

Needless to say I’m a little freaked out by all of this and I really want to be done being the mother hen.  I told “the sweetheart” that I was going to have a ” chiken sale” or just let them free in my neighborhood.  He wasn’t to cool with either of my suggestions. His being, ” take them to my house!” 

Like, 1- I could get the coop in my small economy car. 2- are the chicks ready for the great out doors and finding their own food and shelter?

(I really am the worried mother hen, oy!). The funny thing is if these chickens can just stay alive and safe until “the sweetheart” gets home, they will end up having very sweet lives. He will let them roam free on his property all day and make sure they are safe in their coop at night no matter what.  All he expects in return is eggs and quite frankly I expect some now too. 

Just another crazy few weeks in LoLa-Land


360° View

Last nights date and I were hanging out at his house, sipping wine, cooking dinner and chillin, when he suddenly jumped up out of his patio chair and said, ” come on!” He then left the room. So, of course I followed.  We went up the steepest set of stairs to his master bedroom. ( I’m thinking “really? Was that some exciteabke way to get me into bed”? But, I said nothing). He then walked over to the bedroom window which over looks the front of the house and popped out the screen. He then proceeded to climb out onto the ledge of his roof. 

Turning back to me he says again,  “come on”!

( now I can hear my moms voice saying, ” if your friends jumped off the Golden gate Bridge what do you do it too?”) I was intrigued and this man has been nothing but kind and sweet to me; so I followed him on to the ledge.  From there, we walked to the side of his window that we just climbed out of, to where the roof shot up next to it, at a 130° angle. We walked up this portion roof to where the top of the window was and I thought that was it. But, my date kept going, apparently his bedroom has vaulted  ceilings. (This final  part made me pucker, I’m not gonna lie). With no window for which to walk up next to, nothing to hold onto, and at a steep 115° angel I climbed on all fours over a gutter and up to the very bird shit covered tip of his roof. He was already there drinking his beer as I looked for a no shit zone to pop a squat on. 

That’s when I finally saw it and figured out why he had called me there, like a bird on the ledge that I already am. It was the sunset! It was a 360° view and It was breathtaking. I could see over every home for miles. I could see every single treetop and street lamp. As for the magnificent sky I could see every cloud, every streak of cool Ambers, salmon, mixed with the blues and purples of the sky.  I found the view prettier then the one I saw on the hot air balloon. 

It truly was a magical moment. One that made me miss my sunsets at the beach, It’s been so very long since I’ve seen one . I will admit though, this one was pretty damn amazing!  I would go up on the roofs peek again anyway.  


There are Good Men

You know I talk a lot of smack, especially about the men I come accross in my life.  Lord knows I have had some pretty crazy experiences and everyone says I need to write a book. But, I have also had some pretty amazing gifts bestowed on me from some of these crazy men. For some reason, This morning I am feeling pretty blessed. 

In the last three months I have had two care packages delivered to my door. One was from the “disappearing act” and one from a man named Bill (or billy or Mac or buddy).  Both men were thoughtful enough to take something I said in passing and go all out for me.  I mentioned to Mr. disappear that I was having a really bad period with cramps and moodiness galore and when I got home that night on my door step was a care package with chocolate, some wine and even big smoothie straws for my morning smoothie. It was such a wonderful gift, I was flattered by his thoughtfulness!  As for Bill, I asked him to send me some veggie recipes and he sent me a recipe for ratatouille.  When I got home there was a basket of veggies, cheese, bread and wine sitting on my front porch (all the ingredients needed for his recipe) along with a very tall vase of beautiful flowers next to it. I almost cried it was all so beautiful! Both, gifts were made even more special because they were Complete surprises to me and It is so hard to surprise me. 

One of the best gifts and also a surprise I ever got from a man was from Managment. He had my house cleaned while I was on a trip once. So I came home and my expectedly dirty home was clean.  I think I did cry that time. 

I can’t tell you the number of flower arraignments and bottles of wine I have been given. On my birthday week I had three different flower arraignments from three different men on my dining room table. I felt like I was a florest! 

Then there are the wonderful things men have done for me just to be nice. Things like coming over to blow up my bike tires because I have no pump. Snakeing clogs from my sink, bringing tall ladders to replace bad batteries in smoke detectors. Giving me great deals on furniture.  

Recently “the sweetheart” gave me a new power drill. When I asked him why on earth he was giving me a drill?! He said, “I want to thank you for your help with Savoy (his horse) and replace the drill “Big Red” stole from you. Not all men are assholes LoLa”. 

More and more of them are proving him right; I must admit I am starting to see the light. It’s not about the gifts or the favors.     It’s also about the respect level and the amount of care men can show. I seem to be running into more and more of these types of men. (Or maybe I’m making better choices) I see now that men  have the capacity to be thoughtful and romantic. I think all men can be assholes or act like assholes; just like we woman can be  bitches. But, yes I will confess I see that there are good men out there. 

Wrong Way Every Way

I was recently on a date, a third date, if you can believe that one?  We went and saw Mission Impossible #12 (swear to god I don’t know which one it is?  But, I liked it.). 

As customary for most woman even though I pee’d before I left the house 15 mins prior, when we got there, he went to the concession stand and I went straight to the bathroom. We then both met-up in the lobby, walked down the very long dim hall, and turned right into our theater.  

About half way through the film I had to pee again (and honestly this is why I hate paying $10 to go to the movies).  So, instead of really enjoying the movie I’m thinking “maybe if I turn slightly to one side my bladder won’t fill quite so heavy?”  I was actually excited when they were at the part of the big wrap-up final unveiling, because soon I would be able to go relieve my bladder. I think, the fact that I couldn’t pee or I would lose $2.00 worth of entertainment, made me even more aware of how badly I did need to go.

As soon as they started the MI theme song I was up and out of my seat. My date and I, Shimmied past people to get to the door. ( the movie was over and no one was getting up, it was weird). We walked through the double doors and into the dimly lit hallway, only now it was just a dimly lit box. Trying to focus my eyes I looked to the right and saw two EXIT ONLY doors.  So, I turned to my left, and started to walk down the long hall. But the hall was gone!  

To the left was suddenly a wall? I was so disorientated and confused.  All I could think, “is this Hogwarts? Are we moving or are the walls?”  At this point it is still just my date and I standing in this bizarre moment. I do a complete 360 turn looking for the damn hall I know I walked down to get here. I still have to pee desperately, I was NOT going through the EXIT! So I keep surveying the situation, There is nothing, just the theater behind us ( I was hoping that was still there), Exit doors to the right, a wall with a normal size movie poster, and to the left a wall with a huge movie poster on it. 

That’s when I saw the sliver of light. It was coming out from the side of the huge movie poster. My date noticed this at the at the same time and it suddenly became clear to us both what was going on. The theater workers apparently use this free standing poster that takes almost the entire width of the hall way, to usher the patrons who leave theaters to go out the exit and not back toward the lobby. 

I was actually irritated by this. I pushed the standing poster to the side and walked back down the now visible, long hall back to the bathroom.  The workers looked at my date and I irritated and I gave them the same look right back. I didn’t appreciate the corralling or purposeful directing of my departure out of the cinema. 

Oh well just another confusing date in LoLa-land 

“I’m not a dick!” Said the Dick

Online dating can be such a treat sometimes. I recently met a man who sent me a profile message, He was cute enough, and his message was kind enough, so I responded. We got to talking for a week and then he asked me out. We made plans for two days away. Within those two days his conversation with me became quite sexual. At first it was a little funny or fun, but then it quickly became annoying and almost harassing. He would ask me questions like, “what is my vagina look like, does it taste good, is it shaved”. I started to sideline his questions with other questions, “what do you do for a living, do you have kids, what do you like to do for fun?” He would kindly answer all of my questions, even with a relatively normal answers, and then turn around and ask me how big my boobs were.

The day of our date I had already grown  completely annoyed with him and his sexual inquiries and was ready to call the whole thing off. I told him, “chill out about the sex stuff, let’s just see if we get along first shall we?” Like three times.  Finally,  He started to curtail his conversation to be a little bit more socially acceptable, and it was actually very relieving. Because at that point the impending date was something I was dreading. Then an hour before our date he texted me that he would like to postpone it by two hours. This would start the date at 10 PM on a Thursday. I asked,”why do you want to change the hours?”  

He said, “because I’m  tired”. (Not sure why you would make a date later if you’re tired?)  

I replied, ” I can’t go out that late! I’ll be exhausted tomorrow at work.” 

He then became really demanding and rude and even insulted me. So I told him I made other plans, to which he quickly said, ” I did too”. I suspected he had made other plans before contacting me.  It was then I blocked him on the dating site and on my phone. 

Suddenly a week later he is showing up on my Facebook page requesting to be my friend. Which freaked me out because he did not know my last name. I ignored him. Then he suddenly appeared again on the dating site under a new name, begging me to give him another chance.  He said how sorry he was and how he wanted to make it up to me. 

I said, ” stop stalking me!”

He begged me to give him another shot. So I said, ” If you want to get to know me better, then you have to do it the proper way! You have to ask me out. Then take me out on an old fashioned date that shows me you actually made an effort to make it up to me. You would also have to prove to me your not a complete asshole, by being a decent human being. Could you actually hold down a conversation and maybe even ask me questions about me (that have nothing to do with my pussy, tits, sexual desire, basically anything to do with sex) and behave the same way you would if your grandma was watching you? Because at this point I am so fucking turned off by you and the shit you say and the way you have been acting. Prove to me your not this guy you have been acting like…. Or leave me the fuck alone!”

He replied with,”are you busy Friday night?” 

Surprisingly I was not, so I begrudgingly said yes. 

Thursday night, he called me and asked what I was doing, could I come over?  I was like, “actually I can come over”. This was at 8:30, and I wasn’t doing anything. 

He said, ” ok I’ll be home at 10 see you then!”  (What is it and 10pm with this guy?)

I replied, “I can’t meet at 10 on a Thursday. I have to work the next day. Let’s just see each other Friday.”

He texts me back, “I may not be available tomorrow?” 

“What? Why won’t you be available?” I ask him. 

To which he responds, “I may be to tired”. 

“Don’t be a dick!” I reply

“Don’t call me a dick” he demands, “I hate that!” (I’m guessing he gets that a lot)

“Don’t act like one then!” I lashed out again, ” I’ve never even met you and you want me to come to your house on a Thursday night at 10pm. And your mad at me for saying no, when we didn’t even have plans? Wtf?” 

He answered, “I’ll let you know tomorrow if I’m still on for dinner”. 

I didn’t wait around for that. Instead I just blocked him all over the place and even cancelled my online dating profile. Then I made different plans and had a great time.

Just another unwanted dick  in LoLa-Land

Natural Just gets Uglier

I am an all natural gal. I don’t dye my hair, I don’t fake tan (in fact I don’t even like to real tan. I just tan from being outside). I don’t like a lot of makeup and I don’t want any plastic surgery where anything is injected or stuffed in me. (I wouldn’t mind some stuff removed!) I don’t even really like to spend a lot of money on my appearance because it seems so wasteful, or I’m just to cheap? (I wonder if I was rich If I would spend the money?). Luckily for me, I like being natural as possible (I mean I do shower and shave), but I think natural looks pretty good on me. I’m sure I could look better if I put more effort into my looks, but I simply don’t want to. 

Sadly I am aging, and it seems my deterioration is happening faster and faster. Normally I have dealt with this dwindling of natural beauty with stride because everyone around me looked the same. When my boobs started dropping so were my girlfriends.  Not being perky anymore was ok because none of us were. When my facial lines started forming so did my girlfriends, everyone looked their age.  

Now suddenly it seems like I look older than most of the woman my age. When I remove my bra during a moment of intimacy with a man, he almost seems disappointed by my breast   offering. (This is new to me). I can’t compete with the fake boobs! Those woman take their bras off and everything stays where it was. Actually they don’t even need bras. I can’t stay Naturally young looking when people 10 years my senior look 20 years younger than me!!  

What do you do, when your still single and trying to be appealing to men and all the woman in your age group look 20 again and you don’t!?

Do I fall prey to the social stigma of remaining youthful. Spend my entire savings on a facelift and then hope to god its a good one?  Do I start injecting the same chemicals they put in dead bodies in my cheeks to make my naturally formed laugh lines disappear?  I’m not judging either. If a woman has the want and resources to change the things she hates them by all means “go for it” girl; but, that had never been my focus. 

But all of these changes we are making are sure making just “being natural” a whole lot uglier then I think it needs to be. 

Just another single realization in LoLa-Land 


An old lover and I went shopping this weekend for him to get some new clothes. He is always wearing really baggy clothes and I must say I found myself attracted to him once again, when he came out of the dressing room with a form fitting shirt on.  We tried to get him jeans but forever 21 sizes stop just before his size. Disappointed he turned to me and said “I must be 22?” ( he always makes me laugh). 

We headed off to express where we asked the clerk what sizes they had. She looked at me and said ” we have up to a 12 in stores and 18 online”. I thanked her and said, ” I actually meant for men?”  After we found out they had his size so, we had him try on a few pairs of jeans.   While waiting, I saw a dress on the manikin that I loved. Now I already knew my size is bigger than their largest size in the store, but I thought ” with the hell, I’ll just try it.”  I looked for the dress and only found mediums but the manikin had a large on. I asked the clerk if I could try on the manikins dress and she said “no problem whatsoever” and quickly removed it for me. 

Now, I was a little on edge making the clerk take the dress down and bring it to me, because there have been many years in my life where I could never even have dreampt of fitting into any of the clothes in Express or any other main stores in the mall. I would walk by and think “everything is so cute I wish I could wear those things” and then I would get depressed and walk into the fat store where I belonged. I guess on some core level I still think of myself as fat.  Some little voice insde of me said ” your gonna rip that dress just putting it over your big head!”

Once in the dressing room I took a big breath and slipped the dress over my head. Only to find that It didn’t fit, it was too baggy on me. I liked the length, which was right above my knee. But it wasn’t doing much for my body. I asked my friend what he thought and he said “it’s OK”. So then I went and got the medium, crazy as that seemed to me. I thought, “what the hell, why not”.  The medium seemed too tight.  I wasn’t sure, I thought it was a bit too short, so I asked My old lover what he thought. I can’t remember what he said besides, “get that one!” But I do believe he was drooling. 

I am in complete amazement that I fit into a medium. The damn thing must be missized. I think the store has their size chart screwed up? I don’t know? but I plunked down way more money than I normally do for that dress and I hope it’s not just because it’s a medium. I also hope it’s not  because of his response. I hope I threw caution to the wind because I LOVE it, but who knows, maybe it’s all three. 

Just Getting Skinnier in LoLa-Land


How Does This Sit With You

My friend Jay and I were hanging out and we had the most interesting discussion.  It first started with this story. 

“LoLa you’re gonna love this. My friend at work, Jen, she is this really short frumpy woman who has a hard time communicating; anyway, Jen has gotten laid by a hot 20 year old every single day for the last 15 days!” 

” oh wow!!! Well good for her! That’s awesome!!” I reply. 

“Well maybe? Maybe not?” He continues, ” Apparently, she was driving home a few weeks back (she lives 50 minutes north of work) and just before getting on the freeway she saw this young hottie sitting on the side of the road looking lost. She asked him when she got near him if he needed a ride. He said he did. He needed to go home, which was 30 minutes east of her work. I don’t know why she agreed to take him that far out of her way? Maybe she was hoping for some company? Maybe she felt bad for him. She didn’t get into all of the facts but they made an agreement that everyday she gives him a ride anywhere that he owes her sex.  So, for the last 15 days she has been picking him up, dropping him off and then picking him back up after work,  going to his apartment, (that he shares with his siblings), and they fuck. She even spends the night!” 

“Huh” I barely respond as I’m still comprehending why He seems so worked up by this. He kept going, 

“I asked her if she kisses him goodbye when they part and she just chucked and said, ‘no! We just wave’.  I’m shocked by this aren’t you?” 

” ummm, welll..” I’m about to answer him when he keeps going. 

“What kind of man has sex with a woman twice his age just for a ride. He’s whoring himself out!  We even looked him up on Facebook. She showed us his profile and he’s a good looking guy. Honestly he looked like he was in Highschool still. ”

” what if he is?” I asked. We laughed at this comment of mine but it started us going through the some assumptions. I asked him, “why do you assume this guy is whoring himself out. What if he likes her?” 

My friend quickly looks at me with a “no way in hell!” Look on his face and shakes his head no.  I continued, “Well what if he is addicted to sex. Consider the age, you were a lot more horny at  20 then you are now, what if he just likes to fuck? why should you feel bad for him? Maybe he likes having her around? Maybe she’s amazing in the ask? Why would he keep calling her everyday?”I ask. 

“I don’t know, the whole thing disturbs me LoLa.  I don’t know why?” He responded. 

“What if it were quite the different story Jay? What if she pulled over and when he said he needed a ride, she said, ” only if you promise to fuck me when we get there”? What if he has no choice in the matter and is feeling trapped into this? What if he will lose his job if be misses another day of work?”  I ask. 

He just sat there shaking his head. Like that scenario was just to far out there to consider, of course he knows Jen not me.  

“What I wonder Jay, is how did the whole ‘sex’ thing even come up? Who started the conversation of let’s trade rides for…. For rides?” I asked ( of course now I’m cracking up at my last statement).  Jay still looked perplexed. “I’m not sure why your so bothered by this story Jay”. 

He just sat there shaking his head, ” I just don’t get how he could have sex with someone like her, just for rides? It just all seems so wrong.” He said softly. 

I replied, ” we could sit for hours speculating how this arraignment of theirs came to be, how they may or may not feel about it, or even if it’s morally right for either of them. We don’t know. We don’t have enough facts. We don’t know them apart from your limited knowledge of Jen from working with her. Jay she could be lying.  Who are we to be judge and jury. Why are you worried? And who exactly are you worried about, him or her?”  

“I wasn’t trying to judge. I guess it just baffles me” was Jays last comment on the matter. He just sat their perplexed for a few seconds and I even saw him scratch his head at one point. LoL he never did tell me who he was more worried about. But, I find it interesting the things that disturb us on a gut level and why? 

Just another interesting conversation in LoLa-land

Dear reader- Just to tempt further  perceptions, assumptions, judgment a little more, I reversed this true story. In reality is a 52-year-old Hispanic man who can barely speak English and a 20-year-old African-American girl who needs the rides. Now how do you feel about the situation? Any different?

Just Not That Into Me

Go ahead and go Mr., I was not able to know you enough to miss you 

you made your decisions based on nothing

You have no insite of who I am, but you’ve already decided that I’m not worth your time 

You only got a sample of my humor

You only saw two of my million sides 

You have no idea of my many attributes or the things I’ve accomplished

Go ahead sir, base your opinions on my face, my bosom, my larger than normal ass 

I was wiling to give you the benefit of my time just to get to know you better 

Willing not to make rash decisions about who you may or may not be. 

This is not me begging you to stay

This is not me hopping to remain in your view 

This is me telling you, you missed out, on all the things you were to blind to see 

I will wait for the man who sees all of me 

I will wait for the man who is just that into me

Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan