To beautify or Not

     We woman spend a lot of time working on being beautiful. We subject ourselves to harmful chemicals and painful treatments all in the name of beauty.  Millions are spent each year on maintaining the “in” Fashon. And yet I’ve been told by several of my both current and past boyfriends, that I am the prettiest during two moments of my days.

     One is when I’ve just woken up. When I have lost the bags that form under my eyes after a long day, from being exhausted.  I feel refreshed most mornings and I guess I look it to. And the second time is when I’m just getting out of the shower. My skin usually has a nice pink healthy glow because I like my showers really hot.  

In neither instance is the color of my nails or shoe choice a source of my beauty. Having flawless make-up and shiny hair are not a “make it or break it” situation.  It doesn’t matter if I’ve spent hundreds on a sexy dress or have four inch heals on. In fact, for the most part,  both the situations men find me most attractive in, I’m just in my birthday suit. And yet even with my naked body staring them in the face, that’s not what their noticing, it’s my face they are referring to. 

So, I wonder then, why are we woman killing ourselves practically, by subjecting ourselves to harmful treatments and who knows what else.  Why are we spending so much money just to change our parent given looks for men, if that’s not what they even like? Is this just me men prefer This way? Or do most men feel this way about their woman?  Maybe I should just start napping and showering before each date. But, then do as a man does.  Just throw on some jeans and a shirt and run out the door.  I think I need to research this one a bit more. Maybe my female followers, should ask their men how they prefer their woman? Maybe (and here’s a crazy thought) we could save some time and money and just look ourselves. 

Maybe?

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No Good Deed

My BFF has been so bad, she almost died from comlications from gallbladder surgery. We were so scared we were going to lose her, I took the first flight to Tampa to be with her. Luckily she is improving and has pulled herself out of the woods, but it’s been a long tough road and she’s still in a lot of pain.  She has a tube coming from the right side of her stomach draining fluid from her gallbladder duct. She has a tube coming from the left side of her chest draining…. Fuck if we know but, it looks like watered down blood.  She has leg braces on that are connected to a pump that keep her calves active, so she doesn’t get blood clots and a port in her chest that has her IV going in for her antibiotics.  (Luckily she was able to get rid of the catheter already.) But, she is literally strapped to the bed and miserable. 

I’ve been here for four days sleeping with her in the hospital being her “beck-n-call girl” (I accept this name happily because she’s alive). But of course, no good deed goes unpunished and I have caught a cold being in this house of funk. I’m now coughing up a lung, losing my weight in snot and have about As much energy as my sweet fucked up friend.  I woke up this morning feeling very sorry for myself and trying to suck it up because my body hasn’t been through anything like she has. 

We both realized we were awake at 5:30 this morning, because we were both moaning in pain.  We could have gone on with me shedding my “I’m pathetic tears” and her, letting out her, “it hurts so bad moans” and laid there feeing sorry for ourselves. But, instead we decided to see the absolute horror of us as humorous.  And this is why we are best friends. 

“Of my god now I’m a disaster just like you!” I said.

“Well at least your not wearing these sexy hospital mesh undies” crystal responds. 

“Crystal I literally have snot dripping from my nose before I can blow it” I protested. 

Laughing at me Crystal replies, “Well I’m dripping from everywhere” She then says, as I’m laughing. “Girl! We should totally be in the next Victoria Secrets Fashon show”

Crystal starts cracking up 

“It would be like the geriatrics fashion show.” I add, “ok let’s see the latest styles ladies and gentlemen, now BRING OUT THE GIMPS!”

Crystal starts laughing so hard she’s moaning in pain and I’m laughing so hard snot bubbles are popping out of my nostrils.  

“Do you think we could get a matching mesh bra to put your disappearing tits in” I ask?

“What tits! There gone! I have no more tits anymore!” She whined.  (This itself is funny because my dear friend as the biggest damn natural boobs I’ve ever seen) 

“Whatever girl, you know those things will still be dragging on the ground behind you after you get out of here” I retort. 

“Stop! Stop!” Crystal cries out in pain as she’s trying not to keep laughing, “it hurts so bad to laugh” 

“Man we are two serious hotties Crys!” I say through my coughing. 

“Girl we are both a hot mess!” She replies. 

It’s Time

Crystal

It’s Time my dear
Time for you to get movin
You’ve rested that’s clear
Now you need to do some healin

Keep your chin up my love
This to shall pass
It’s not your time to give up
Now get up off your ass

I know your miserable
I know your depressed
I know your irritable
I know you just want to rest

But it’s sink or swim time honey
We now find out what fight you have left
You’ve given the Dr’s a run for their money
But they haven’t got your best

Breath deeply my sweets
Your not all alone
We love you even when you stink
Your not out here on your own

Hold on to us for support
Yell at us if you need to
We’re your family of sorts
We will help you pull through

Don’t let this take your hope
This is just a temporary stall
We know you have what you need to cope
we know you’ll make it through it all

We love you!

Invention #7

For my latest amazing idea I am going to have to plagiarize from someone else. (Oh the horror of it all! Who would do that? Who would copy someone else’s idea? That’s never happened before I’m sure!? Haha). With my latest wonderous idea I wold like to make a slight variation to a recent very lucrative invention of someone else’s. 

I am sure you have all seen and heard of them, the Selfie-Sticks? They are all the rage in USA and Italy!  I’m sure they are everywhere! Those damn long metal arms that people keep slipping their smart phones (but not smart enough to not need a selfie-stick) into, so they can achieve the ultimate selfie with amazing backdrops included. 

  
Street vendors and gypsies were selling them on every street corner in Italy.  As you walked, they would practically shove the metal rode in your face. Or during tours we would pass a bunch of couples walking  with their phone in their selfie-stick resting on their shoulders and almost smacking people behind them in the head.  The selfie stick has actually been outlawed in Disney World already. 

  
But, I digress, I will stop my bitching and tell you my idea.  What if we invented a “selfie-stick” that could hold all different size dildos instead of phones? Wouldn’t that be fricking awesome woman? Who wants to help me start a finance campaign for it. We could make it the latest “go fund me” or “Kickstarter” project!

What do you think?

Just another brilliant idea in LoLa-land

post Script-

(After writing this my ex sent me the a video I guess I am not the first to think of it.  Go online and look for FantasyGlide pogo stick. )

It’s Hot Tub Time

It’s hot tub time baby
I’ll go get the towels
There’s to be no “maybes”
No, “not right nows”

We need to unwind
Do some percolating
You uncork the wine
Forget what’s irritating

Turn off all the lights
Pop open the hottub lid
Is everyone out of sight?
We’re gonna get naked

Bring out the moon
Make the stars shine
The heat in the tub makes you swoon
Yet, It feels just sublime

Put the jets on our backs
Let them massage the spine
“Ohhh” I’m starting to relax
It’s a perfect way to pass the time

Add in the bubbles, please
Oh how they tickle our rear
They put the soul at ease
While letting the mind clear

I’m starting to get turned on
It happens every time
Let’s hot tub until the dawn
This evenings just devine

I love to feel your wet skin
We slide together with ease
Kissing you should be a sin
The water helps you tease 

Loving our Weightless bodies
Which always allows for more fun
Bubbles make bouncing  boobies
And that’s always pretty awesome

Lovin in the hot tub
Is one of my favorite things to do
Both a bath and a back rub
And It’s always better with you

Another Crazy Saturday 

This weekend had me spending lots of time with friends.  Saturday night I was with some of my coworkers from my day job.  My girlfriend, Cat, from work was in such a sad state after breaking up with her boyfriend. She had been walking around the office like Eeyore, with this huge cloud over her head. I had to do something to cheer her up and get her to stop calling him.  So I told her I was taking her out to get drunk Saturday night.  Soon it became us going to our other coworker,  Jakes house.  He happens to live a few blocks away from downtown in a small neighboring town.

These two coworkers of mine have partied together many times but this was my first with both of them.  At first I felt a bit like a third wheel but I still was having a great time getting to know them both better. We sat on his front porch, some of us drinking, Some of us smoking, just “shooting the shit” (that’s southern for “talking”), while watching the sun go down.  Once we all had a good buzz going we walked to downtown.  We ended up going to three different bars making sure my devestated coworker had two beers at each. (I also kept forcing food in her). 

We left the third bar shortly After discovering the tall beautiful man who was buying me drinks and coming on to me, for almost an hour, was in fact staying at the local Sheraton because his girlfriend kicked him out two days prior.  At this point my devestated coworker had a half dozen or more drinks In her 120lb body and wanted to go to another bar. Jake and I looked at each other and both said “no”. Both of us being 20 years her senior, we could tell she was about to blow or tank. 

The short walk home became quite adventurous. Cat says to us, “I wanna run!” And starts to run back to Jakes house. But, Jake being drunk and me being buzzed and in heals, we were against that move. So, Cat took off running and all I said to Jake was, “I really hope she stops at the corner”.  Which she did, thankfully so Jake and I were able to catch up to her. (This happened again the next block). Finally we make it to Jakes block and Cat was draped on a telephone pole.  So, he grabs her arms and we all begin to walk the short two house distance to his porch when suddenly she passes out. Not expecting her sudden drop, Jake, who was caught off guard by her entire body weight being added to his arm, tried to stop her from falling and in doing so ended up falling on top of her. 

So, here I am, standing next to this drunk couple laying on the ground half in the street and half on the sidewalk, thinking to myself, “this is not good”. I had just watched the entire thing happen in like slow motion and couldn’t do anything to help because I was holding Jakes Pizza. (Ok maybe I was more then buzzed). A car stops and a woman asked if we were ok? At this point Jake was getting up. I put the pizza down and we both grab one of Cats arms and walk / Drag her dead weight to the suddenly Very Long distance to his house. 

We throw her into Jakes bed and walk away.  Suddenly Cat comes out of her comma and springs up to standing and says, “I wanna run!”. She then proceeds to start to run and gets as far as the living room where she literally stops suddenly And then (did a cartoon move) looked up and  passes out again, she does a spin on her heal and then her entire body  fell to the right.  Thankfully the couch was to the right and she just landed perfectly into it.  I took off her shoes and Jake got her a pillow and blanket. 

This was when I realized I may have an issue because the couch was where i was going to sleep.  Now the only free sleeping surface is in bed with Jake!  So, I drank some more alcohol, while Jake and I worked out a deal on the front porch. I would sleep in his bed next to him and he would not touch me. We then discovered we like opposite sides of the bed, and all was good in the world again. 

I went to bed first and laid there forever uncomfortable and wishing he would turn his very loud music down. Finally I got up, took off the very tight jeans I had on, wished I had worn my granny panties and not my g-string, put some toilet paper in my ears to cut the sound of the music.  I slipped back into bed and did a small prayer to my angels that Jake wouldn’t pull back the covers really far and see my ass or accidentally brush me while I’m sleeping and feel skin. 

It took me about an hour to go to sleep and it was maybe only two hours after that jake woke me up coming to bed. Then only two hours  after that he woke me up and for a minute I was in full Panic mode because I thought for sure I was married again. This was when Jake suddenly rolled over towards me.  His entire body was now pressed up against mine (he was still dressed thank god) and he throws  his right arm over my head. Jake is not a small man.  His  arm felt like it weighed 50lbs. And at that exact same moments starts snoring like a lumberjack right in my ear.   At first I was traumatized. I wondered if the last five years had just been a dream. Had I never actually gotten divorced?!   Then I realized where I was. 

I laid there like that for awhile, trying to find Rhythm in his snores. But, then poor Jake started laying some increadably stinky wet sounding farts and I knew right then at that very early 3:15am hour that I was sober enough to drive. I slid out from under Jakes arm and off the side of the bed, grabbed my jeans and ran to the bathroom.  I woke Cat enough to ascertain that she did not want to go home right then (I don’t blame her) and would have her sister come get her; so, I left. It wasn’t until I was driving home at 4 am Sunday morning that I rembered the pizza box I left siting on the sidewalk two doors from Jakes home. 

Just another crazy day in LoLa-land 

Twisted Together

Hand on thighs
rubbing calves
Pinching playing
Slapping ass

Skin against skin
Legs intertwined
Body heat warming
Our bodies combined

Butterfly kisses
Lips sucking lips
Biting pulling
Hips bumping hips

Lost in the couch
Aware of no other
Laughing and kissing
All Twisted together

Dear Current Girlfriend

Dear Current Girlfriend

I know why you don’t like me.  I know why you don’t want your man to have anything to do with me. I know why the hairs on the back of your neck stand up when ever you see a text from me pop up on his screen. I know why you get that sick feeling in your stomach when ever my name is brought up in conversation. I know how it feels when he’s being a total asshole and you have no idea why, Because you feel like everything is just fine. It’s because of me. In your gut you know it’s true.  And even though you know it, in your gut, he will tell you up, down and sideways that it’s nothing to do with me; But, it is.  I Know he’s still in love with me.
He told me as much yesterday. Yesterday, your one year anniversary, He called me to tell me how depressed he was over me. On your special day, his thoughts were of me. (And I am perplexed in great amounts about this? I’m irritated as hell too! Why did he tell me about your anniversary? I had no idea what day it was and was happy in my blissful ignorance. I was pissed to know that it was your anniversary, fuck you both was all I could think!)  Why when it was your anniversary, was he still reaching for me?  He told me yesterday that he still thinks of me every day. And that getting over me has been the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. He blamed me for causing you two to almost break up several times. He said you felt he was gone the first 6 months of your relationship because of me. I on the other hand have been pissed off at him because he has not even been there for me in a friend capacity  because he has allowed you (a stranger to me) to control him.  I’ve seen him 3 times all year, because of your intuition and his fear of being alone.  He is one of my best friends and he’s just been gone.  Getting over him has been the same for me as it has for him, I love him too.  

Just know this, I know how you feel and I know why you are threatened by me, because I had a threat when I was with him to. And when I finally saw her disappear from our world, it was only a few short months after that, when I found out he was on a online dating site looking for a new backup burner girl. 

What I’m tying to say is you are not the first to deal with this and I will not be the last threat you face.  Good luck! 

Sincerely 

LoLa

(Not the current back up burner girl. Just the ex)

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan