Last Sunset Of 2015

I hope everyone takes a moment to reflect on their year. 2015 was a Painful year for me but one that helped me grow and learn  about myself considerably. I spent nine months being for the most part, lonely and then realized I was by no means alone so why was I so lonely?  I learned that though you may love someone deeply and want to  do anything for them sometimes they don’t love you as much and it’s easier for them to walk away. I learned to be more present in my moments. To not open myself up so quickly, where people who I think are good, but aren’t may hurt me.  I learned I’m deserving of love and care as much as I give it. I finally figured out that I Am beautiful. And lastly I learned I have special skills I need to spend more time honing because they bring me joy.

I look forward to 2016! I think good things are coming my way! 

Here is the last sunset for you.  

    
    

Happy New Years Eve Everyone! PEACE for all!
 

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Channeling Rebecca

A good friend of mine called this morning with the sad news of her sister, Rebecca’s quick deterioration due to cancer. It’s just a matter of time now before she goes to the other side. My friend asked me if I could channel Rebecca today, to see  if there’s anyway that they can make her comfortable?  My friend said that they were unable to communicate with her because she is not able to speak anymore and They didn’t know if she was comfortable and that’s all they can do for her.

I told my friend I didn’t know what I could do for her without being with them. I wasn’t even sure if my own abilities were real but that I would do my best. And while I was talking to my friend I kept hearing in my head this person saying, “somebody pull open the curtains. It’s so dark in here, is someone dying? Geez!” I could feel this urge to see sunrises and sunsets. Then suddenly I was having a very hard time breathing. I told my friend all of this and then went off to work. 

Sometime in the morning I started to feel better. My breathing became easier and I didn’t feel so worn out.  (At this point I wasn’t thinking about Rebecca I was focused instead on work) My friend then texted me that she wasn’t getting enough  oxygen so they gave her a breathing mask and she was now more comfortable. All I knew was I needed to see sunrises and sunsets and I wish I could hear beautiful music. So I told you friend, “sing to her and show her pictures of sunsets” and she did. 

I was driving home After work at 5pm. I was talking to my friend Crystal on my Bluetooth and I said, “I don’t know what’s going on but I am just blissfully happy for no particular reason right now!” 

“That’s awesome! But, you don’t know why? Do you have a date?” She asked me.

“Of course I have a date but I’m not going to see him for three hours that’s not why I’m so incredibly happy for no reason, I don’t know it’s wonderfully weird.” I responded. 

About and hour later my friend texted me, “Rebecca is mentally on the other side. She crossed over at 5:05 and started talking to J and dad. She is glowing And looks so peaceful and happy. J and dad are doing great and very happy!”  (J and dad are both deceased). I was so sad for my friend and for her families loss and yet knowing Rebecca was happy was so amazing.  

Then my chest became extreamly heavy and I could feel sadness and this feeling of being torn. Knowing I have to go and wanting to go, but not wanting to say goodbye to anyone here. I started texting my friend and the words shot out of me in seconds. 

“I’m sad suddenly. 

She’s gonna miss you all so much! she doesn’t want you to sit in sadness from missing her but she knows you will. She wants you to know she loves you and is thankful. She’s not in pain but her chest is heavy because she knows she must go. She isn’t sure she’s ready, but she has no choice. She’s ok. He’s ok, (I suspect she’s speaking of her son who died recently) you will be ok!”

Then the words were gone and I sent it all to my sweet friend.  I have no idea if I was correct in anything I was feeling or saying. But, I do know that all day my body was reacting abnormally. I also have no idea where my thoughts came from but I don’t feel they were mine. When ever I hear these things I have found it’s important to say them out loud because they may not be significant to me, but they are to somebody. 

Today in LoLa-Land I am just thankful to be alive. Happy end of 2015 everyone make sure to watch the sunset tonight! 

StateFarm 

I have been a StateFarm customer for damn near 18 years now and I have never had to do it. But, the other day I was in need of some assistance. So I did it, I sang, “like a god neighbor… StateFarm is there” and that bitch StateFarm representative never showed up. So, I sang it again, “like a good neighbor StateFarm is there” and again nothing. 

I don’t understand! Every time Someone sings that jingle on TV the persons StateFarm  rep shows up to assist them. Where the hell was my StateFarm chick? 18 years of my money and this is how she repays me! I was pissed! (Not really but it makes things funnier). 

I went out the next day and found a new StateFarm  representative.  (Luckily for me he is a very cute man) During our introductory meeting he looked at my files and said, “LoLa can I ask you something?”

“Of course” I responded

“Why after 18 years are you choosing to leave your StateFarm Broker?” He asked.

So I was completely honest with him and told him the truth. “I called her and she never showed up?”

“Really? She never returned your call? Did you have a claim you needed help with?” He asked almost horrified at her lack of service. 

“Pretty much! I was in my living room and I called for her.  I sang your jingle and everything, “like a good neighbor StateFarm is there” and that bitch never showed up.  So, I left her. You had better damn well show up when I sing for you or I will be leaving you too!” I declared 

My new broker looked at me a bit shocked and then without even cracking a smile replied, “I will be sure to give you a blowhorn so I can make sure to hear you” then he winked at me and said, “I would definitely show up!”  (Mmmm I thinks he’s flirting with me?)

I laughed at his response to my idiodic demand and so did he. I then asked him if he wanted to go to lunch with me (Even though I had food in my car), and he said “yes” very quickly.  Already I’m digging this StateFarms response time better then the last. 

Just another flirty meeting in LoLa-Land 

Maintenance Man 

The other night a “friend” of mine came over to hang.  I have started refering to this man as maintenance! Neither of us usually ever see Each other unless we are feeing pretty randy (horny). Which for me seems to be…. Always. So basically, he takes care of me when I’m having a maintenance issue. 

So, Maintenance man came over and after a few hours of catching up we decided to do some dancing. I put the 50’s and 60’s station on my Pandora and The Jitterbug song was on. So, we grab ahold of one another and start to try and Jitterbug. Both of us are 70’s babies and neither of us have ever Jitterbugged before; so, it was quite comical. But, we laughed so hard and we were  giggling like school kids. 

Of course then we stared making out. Which I always thoroughly enjoy doing with him and one thing lead to another or as they would say in Seinfeld “yadda, yadda, yadda”. When everything was said and done,  I was quite content, spent, ready for a glass of wine and a pillow. 

However, maintenance seemed to have other plans. Some how the tables had turned and he wanted more of me then I did of him ( crazy parallel universe we must have been in). He started towards me and I moaned. “No baby no more. I can’t take anymore” 

He just moaned right back  and crawled towards me on the bed. I could see the look in his eye and I knew how sore I already was, so I quickly jumped off the bed. He leaped suddenly to grab me and I quickly jumped back, squealing extreamly loud.  Then he slid off the side of the bed to grab my feet and like a ninja 😉 I diverted around the foot of the bed.  When I turned around to see where he was and what move I needed to take next, he was gone! The bedroom door was still closed, but he was gone.? 

Now mind you, we are both butt naked! And as we started jumping and running about, our 40 something year old body parts, were just, ALL kinds of hanging out. (Basically there was a undercurrent of comic relief happening under all of the sexual excitement). 

I needed to find Maintenance, he was starting to freak me out, my heart was racing! I was excited, scared and invigorated at the same time.  I slowly Crept up onto the side of my bed and looked over the side to see if he was hiding on the floor.  (I know it’s stupid).  As i was doing it I was chastising myself, “Hello LoLa! Your like one of those stupid blondes in a horror movie who runs up the stairs instead of out the front door!” )

My heart was racing out of my chest. I quickly looked, fully expecting him to be there and pounce,  but he wasn’t there?! My heart went back to normal and my breathing slowed and just as I was about to relaxe and think he left the room, I saw his feet.  He was on the ground at the foot of the bed, creeping on his elbows to the side of the bed I was just on. I let outa completely organic squeal (God knows why ? I just freaked out), which alerted him to my presence over him and he jumped up damn quick. 

I sceamed and jumped off the bed. But, of course, being me, my foot got stuck in the disheveled blanket and I fell to the ground. As I started to turn and crawl out of my perdicument,  Maintence man was right behind me. Apparently he was closer than I realized, because I quickly turned to see where he was and my ass almost ripped his nose off, while at the same time, practically throwing his face into the carpet. 

Suddenly, all I knew was he was moaning in pain and laughing His ass off; as he rolled around on the floor holding his nose. 

Looking at him confused, I said, “what exactly just happened here?”

He was still laughing, he said,  “your ass almost broke my nose!” 

We just laid in naked heaps on the floor laughing for awhile, then I finally got my wine. I guess I can ignore the ” Buns Of steel” video for awhile; I think I got that covered.

Just another comical Night in LoLa-Land 

Don’t Judge The Book….

I was asked out yesterday by a man I met on Boxing Day. He is not my normal type of guy. I am usually scared of these type of burley men. He’s I guess what you would call a “biker”. He has so many tattoos you can’t see any normal skin, he wears skull rings and has four Harley’s. He’s a big guy with huge arms (which is nice) and unlike most of his buddies he has short hair. Normally I get very intimidated by these types of men and stay clear of them, but after hanging with him with my family for several hours, I was very comfortable with him. 

We didn’t know what we wanted to do exactly so I just started off by meeting him at his place. I showed up and sat down on his huge living room couch and instantly his little dog, Paco  (who looked like a mix between and Weiner dog and a Chihuahua) came up to me, climbed onto my lap and got all warm under my arm and next to my tummy. He was to cute and I didn’t mind because it was freezing out and he was warming my belly up quickly. 

He stayed like that nestled in my lap for about Five minutes while my date and I discussed what to go do. When he suddenly started shivering? Which I felt was odd because we were both super warm together.  Then Paco just started shivering more and I was like “what the fuck” and looked at the Poco and saw his eyes were rolled back into his head. I turned to my date and said, “I think your dog is having a seizure!”  

He said, ” SHIT! Again! This happens like every 10 days but he ate chocolate this morning so I wasn’t sure what would happen”. 

He took the dog from me and sat down next to me on the couch and held Paco with such care and love, It was very enduring.  Paco started his seizure at roughly 2:45 and was still seizing at 3:30!  My date asked me if we could stay until the seizure was over and I of course had no complaints about that. But, then this poor dog started foaming at the mouth and then puking.  The poor dog puked five different times. Each time he puked all over my date. 

Twice my data had to give Poor Poco the Seizing dog back to me to hold onto, so he could go change into yet another pair of jeans. He puked up a bunch of chocolate and probably his body weight in fluids. I ended up staying until 5:30 at my dates house. I was there for about three hours and poor Paco was having a seizure  for 2.5 of those hours.   

For 2.5 hours I watched this big biker dude love and care for this little sweet vulnerable dog. He held him like a baby and spoke sweetly to him whenever Poco started shaking really bad.  I on the other hand was up running  around grabbing paper towels and trash bags and was helping him clean every time poor Poco erupted.  I was even a wimp at one point and started dry heaving from helping clean up the slimy chocolate vomit, I felt like a rookie!

The entire date was so weird and random. I had never been to his house before and yet when I left I had basically been through his entire kitchen looking for cleanup supplies and probably saw most of this mans jeans. LoL I learned something from it all. That is Not to judge a book by its cover.  If I had not been comfortable around this man I would never have agreed to going out with him. I would have assumed that he was too aggressive or mean for me based on his large frame, biker status and multiple tatts. How wrong I would’ve been to, as he showed me in the way that he cared for his dog, that he is full of love and sweetness. Poco’s seizure stopped right before I left, thank god! I gave them both hugs upon my departure and thanked my date for a lovely time.  

Just another random date in LoLa-Land

I Plan

Are you as special as I hope you are
Are all the sweet acts just a show
It’s not about what you make or your car
I’ve dreamt of you God only knows

I’ve needed a man like you in my sphere
Someone who thinks i’m as hot as I see him
A man who will rock my world and then hold me dear
A man that will make all other men dim

Keep talking to me the way you do baby
Until, I can’t see straight
Keep touching me this way for all eternity
You have me in a constant state

I always want you near me
Touching me if you can
I plan to be all you can see
I plan to be holding your hand

My hands, my breasts, my lips are all yours
My mind, my spirit, my hopes are wrapped in us
Keep it up baby and you’ll have me on the floor
I want us to take our time and yet I feel a rush

I look forward to what’s to come
I am blissful in the hopes and what if’s
Please don’t get up and run
I think what we have could be bliss

I plan to keep you around sexy man
I plan on keeping you encapsulated by me
I plan to give you everything I am
Your everything I ever wanted my soul mate to be

Consider The Source Or Just Consider It

Recently one of my ex boyfriends was trying to arrange a time where he and I could reconnect, because he is moving away. He told me, “you mean a lot to me and I miss you. Your the only person I want to see before I go”.

 Sweet as that was to hear from him. Since we broke up, he has been mean for no reason. He had seemed very bipolar, reaching out for me and then lashing out at me. So, needless to say, I replied with short but simple texts.  (So, as to not open myself up in anyway to any verbal abuse). With regards to seeing him before he left, my response was, “I could meet you for coffee or tea at Starbucks one morning”? For me it was about finding a public venue, in the middle of the day, where he won’t be drinking any alcohol and it should only be a short period of time.  This was how most of my responses were to him. Then he lashed out again (as I figured he would) and sent me this, “LoLa you are A  woman void of any sentiment or emotion. And until you work on yourself no one will love you”.  

I realize he’s responding to my quick simple responses to his text, but I was shocked he would forget the hours of us sitting in his room talking and crying over things that came up for us. “You don’t know me at all then” was my response to his bullshit comment.  I feel like anyone who knows me or who reads my blog knows his comment is not a true.  

But, then it occurred to me, “is it right for me to dismiss his feelings?  He obviously has them for a reason”. Wether I feel he is correct in his view point of me or not, it is still how he sees me; therefor in his eyes he is right.  Granted I realize I was being cold with him to protect myself. So, I’m not going to let his comment define or derail me. But, it is giving me pause. Am I cold and shut- off or is it just my fear of being hurt by this man and my simple responses, that posed his comment?  I think I’m full of emotions, sometimes too many!  But, do the people who meet me see me as cold?  I know I had a lot of bad relationships straight in a row and the three of them left me so broken it wasn’t funny. But, Have I become the thing I’ve always hated in some men? Have I become just like the men who used to hang with me and then just dissapear and never be available? (Yes! pretty much.) I think I did. 

I don’t mind if this man views me as emotionless, but this is not the persona I want to give off to other people. I don’t want them to feel like they are insignificant in my life. When it comes specifically to dating men and how I have treated them in the past, I was jaded and dating sites didn’t help.  When I was on them, I was hit on so often it was overwhelming.  All of the weeding through winks and likes and comments and reading everyone’s profiles, it starts to wear you out. You become a lot more choosy, And you also meet a lot more assholes.   I got so used to thinking, “ehh naw I’m not digging him… NEXT!” That I don’t think I realized I may have been hurting some of the men I was dating?  I need to realize that just because there seems to be countless single men, they all deserve my care and respect. 

I’m glad I haven’t online dated in so long.  It’s been much calmer in my life. I feel like I have the energy to focus on myself and the men I know currently better.  I did try to communicate to this man that I was worried he would lash out at me; so, I was keeping it simple. He told me to “to go to hell!”, needless to say I never met up with him and I am truly ok with that. (In this case, I’m going to be more caring with the next guy). 

Just another Introspective moment in LoLa-Land

    In The Glow

    In the lavender candles amber glow
    All skin suddenly looks magnificent
    If there were blemishes you wouldn’t know
    The glow of the flame turns all skin magnificent

    Softening the harshness of aging skin
    White legs turn gold longing to be touched
    The darkness surrounds giving curves no end
    Suddenly all naked beings look airbrushed

    Hands rubbing over sultry bodies
    Tongues lapping at hidden valleys and peaks
    The shadows cast turn all involved to hotties
    While hands explore that for which it seeks 

    Do You Ever Feel Like…?

    Start the first line of each verse with Do You Ever Feel Like….?

    Yours is the only black car surrounded by white?
    Darkening space, like a broken bulb in a world of lights?

    You are the only high person when everyone else is drunk?
    Everyone reaks of sweetness while you just smell of skunk

    You’re the only Ginger at a party filled with bleached blonds?
    And they all end up clicking together in some sort of peroxide bond?

    You’re the only sane person surrounded by idiots?
    “I thought Good day! Was easy, but sure I’ll explain it”

    You’re always the only woman hanging outside with the men?
    You don’t care, you just get along better with them.

    You have the only brown eyes, while everybody else has blue?
    We will still see thing differently, despite our shapes or hues

    You’re the only one going left when everyone else goes right?
    You won’t be foolish enough to sit in traffic all night

    You are the only one swimming upstream as everyone else floats down?
    Working against the current, wishing your feet could touch the ground?

    You’re the only happy person in a crowd of angry people?
    Complaining under their breaths, making them sound feeble

    Every ones in a black and white and you’ve been color enhanced ?
    Would you be a star on “fantasy island” if you had the chance?

    You are the only one that can hear the bells ringing?
    Let’s accept our oddities and realize we’re just humans being.

    Hotel 911

    This one goes out to one of my oldest and dearest BFF’s who is STILL in the hospital. Today marks her 43 straight day in one building, without leaving. 

    She’s found her own “hotel California”
    But it’s right in her own backyard
    Who knew they had a “hotel Tampa”
    Who knew leaving would be so hard?

    She walked in the hotel looking a little yellow
    20 cat-scans later and The Dr. is still confused
    She can’t find comfort in a bed made of pillows
    As every side of her is being punctured by tubes

    When will this nonsense end finally
    When will she be able to leave
    When will the Dr admit his culpability
    That it’s his fault she’s there past day 40

    The “hotel California” is such a lovely place
    While your Drinking pink champagne on ice
    The “hotel Tampa” is horrible in this case
    She feels she’ll be lucky to escape with her life

    What started off as all routine
    Has turned her into a pincushion
    I’m not trying to be mean
    I’m annoyed at the Dr’s confusion

    She’s missed thanksgiving laying in the ICU
    She ignored her birthday drugged in the east wing
    Christmas at home would be a dream come true
    But, nothing changes because no one knows anything

    It’s been so long since she driven a car
    Been able to shower or wash her hair
    When’s the last time she got to look at the stars
    She’s not ok with this hotels level of care

    We keep looking for some end in sight
    As she is poked and prodded all day
    No sleep for her as they check her vitals all night
    She asks when she can leave and they won’t say

    She’s gained and lost over 50lbs during her stay
    Not because of the crap food they keep giving her
    If I was a religious person this is when I would pray
    As the future of my friends life is still unclear

    It’s time for her to check out of this nasty place
    They can stick their needles where the sun don’t shine
    It’s time to demand answers and get in their face
    We just need to hear the Dr say that, “she will be fine”!

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