Consider The Source Or Just Consider It

Recently one of my ex boyfriends was trying to arrange a time where he and I could reconnect, because he is moving away. He told me, “you mean a lot to me and I miss you. Your the only person I want to see before I go”.

 Sweet as that was to hear from him. Since we broke up, he has been mean for no reason. He had seemed very bipolar, reaching out for me and then lashing out at me. So, needless to say, I replied with short but simple texts.  (So, as to not open myself up in anyway to any verbal abuse). With regards to seeing him before he left, my response was, “I could meet you for coffee or tea at Starbucks one morning”? For me it was about finding a public venue, in the middle of the day, where he won’t be drinking any alcohol and it should only be a short period of time.  This was how most of my responses were to him. Then he lashed out again (as I figured he would) and sent me this, “LoLa you are A  woman void of any sentiment or emotion. And until you work on yourself no one will love you”.  

I realize he’s responding to my quick simple responses to his text, but I was shocked he would forget the hours of us sitting in his room talking and crying over things that came up for us. “You don’t know me at all then” was my response to his bullshit comment.  I feel like anyone who knows me or who reads my blog knows his comment is not a true.  

But, then it occurred to me, “is it right for me to dismiss his feelings?  He obviously has them for a reason”. Wether I feel he is correct in his view point of me or not, it is still how he sees me; therefor in his eyes he is right.  Granted I realize I was being cold with him to protect myself. So, I’m not going to let his comment define or derail me. But, it is giving me pause. Am I cold and shut- off or is it just my fear of being hurt by this man and my simple responses, that posed his comment?  I think I’m full of emotions, sometimes too many!  But, do the people who meet me see me as cold?  I know I had a lot of bad relationships straight in a row and the three of them left me so broken it wasn’t funny. But, Have I become the thing I’ve always hated in some men? Have I become just like the men who used to hang with me and then just dissapear and never be available? (Yes! pretty much.) I think I did. 

I don’t mind if this man views me as emotionless, but this is not the persona I want to give off to other people. I don’t want them to feel like they are insignificant in my life. When it comes specifically to dating men and how I have treated them in the past, I was jaded and dating sites didn’t help.  When I was on them, I was hit on so often it was overwhelming.  All of the weeding through winks and likes and comments and reading everyone’s profiles, it starts to wear you out. You become a lot more choosy, And you also meet a lot more assholes.   I got so used to thinking, “ehh naw I’m not digging him… NEXT!” That I don’t think I realized I may have been hurting some of the men I was dating?  I need to realize that just because there seems to be countless single men, they all deserve my care and respect. 

I’m glad I haven’t online dated in so long.  It’s been much calmer in my life. I feel like I have the energy to focus on myself and the men I know currently better.  I did try to communicate to this man that I was worried he would lash out at me; so, I was keeping it simple. He told me to “to go to hell!”, needless to say I never met up with him and I am truly ok with that. (In this case, I’m going to be more caring with the next guy). 

Just another Introspective moment in LoLa-Land

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    Coloring Project – The Frog

    Frog

    2010 Summer Reading List

    Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
    Finger Prints & Facelifts
    His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
    The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
    Silk & Shadows
    Wifey
    The Honey Thief
    The marriage
    Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
    The Other Boleyn Girl
    Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
    3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
    The Kept woman
    Twlight book # 4
    twlight book #3

    Coloring Project – The Swan