I Am Half The Woman

I am half the woman I’m used to being
A butterfly with a broken wing
I have not one single urge to sing
I could care less if I see the spring

I have very little joy left in me
As my future gets harder to see
I’ve been cut off at the knees
In the mirror I am half of who I see

I have half my mind to care
I have half my energy to share
Minutes is all the time I can spare
Before my headache starts to flare

I don’t want to be seen anymore
I want to disappear into floor
Lock myself behind the door
I’m half the woman I was before

Things just seem so very bleak
I was so strong now I feel weak
I was secure now I seem meek
Silence is my normal as I barely speak

I no longer have any pride
Everything is quiet inside
While I find a place I can hide
It’s as if half of me has already died

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Hey Doc.?

Well if you’ve been following me for awhile, you may have read some of my blog posts about my conversations with doctors. I get really nervous when I’ve got to go to the doctors, for obvious reasons, and when I get nervous I crack jokes. A lot of stupid jokes that usually make the doctor (if their new) a bit suspicious of my drug usage or mental stability. I think I almost had myself put on a 51/50 hold once.  Here’s the last conversation I had with my doctor. 

My doc says to me, ” LoLa, what ever you do in the next two weeks you need to make sure you don’t make any life altering decisions! Ok”? 

I didn’t even breath before I replied, “I think I want a baby! Can you put my flopian tubes back in for me”?

My Doctor just laughs because after seeing me for 15 years she knows I don’t want a baby. “It’s a good sign you still have your sense of humor Lo”! 

“hey doc can I still color”? I ask her in total seriousness (maybe she wasn’t expecting that). 

My Doctor just keeps laughing (I’m not sure what’s so funny don’t dis the coloring man!) she finally regains her composure and says, “un yeah! You can color”. (Yes! I have a Mini celebration in my soul). 

“But, only if it’s not detailed (she says it and it feels like a dagger being shoved in my chest) or if it strains your eyes”. 

Well now I’m just pissed! I feel like I did, when I was a kid and my new bike got stolen. I replied to her in typical form, “everything is a strain on my eyes doc! I’m in my 40’s! I don’t even have to be looking at anything ugly”. 

She just laughs and then asks me, “how are you doing on your pain medicine? Do you need more”?

“Oh I still have them all. You know I hate taking that crap”. Of course I keep going, “But, yes! can I get more of them”?

“More? Why do you want more if your not taking them”She asks me. 

“I found out they are worth $10 a pill on the streets. If I keep getting these headaches and can’t work I’m going to need to make money some how” I answered honestly. 

She just cracked up. Again, I’m not sure what was so damn funny!  

   
   

Good MorningsĀ 

I love the mornings even more now. I’ve  always been a morning girl but now I love that my head doesn’t hurt when I first wake up. It’s almost as if all is right again. Like I could just jump out of bed and go work out and there would be no issues of brain pressure, brain bleeds or brain damage. 

I remember feeling this same way a few years back, when I hurt my sciatic. That was some miserable pain and it took me a year to get my body back to normal.  I remember waking up and feeling like I could just jump out of bed and then as soon as I would try to get up, my back was like “NOPE” and would strike such a streak of pain up my body I would just cry. 

Now I feel great for a few minutes after I wake up and then I get a headache within 10 or 20 minutes. My headache is usually with me until I fall back to sleep for a little while. It’s not as bad as the sciatic pain was on my body but its far more scary. I worry I will neve regain full use of all my cognitive abilities again.  I worry that every time I try to focus on anything for to long I will always get a mind numbing headache that will cause me to stop and nap. I worry I will become poverty stricken because I won’t be able to make a living.  

I try to think positive thoughts each day. Thoughts that this is just a temporary deal and that I will not only get full use of my brain back; but, I also try to imagine that some miracle will happen and I will be recouped all of the money I have lost from missing so much work and having to pay so many Dr bills. Then I think positive thoughts about the power of positive thoughts.  

Wish me luck!

It’s just another hopeful day in LoLa- Land

Have We Learned Anything?

One sunny day a man sat under the only apple tree in the middle of the towns only park.  The man was trying to get a break from the suns hot rays.  The tree was heavy with ripe apples, which  made it able to provide ample shade. The man was quite relaxed when suddenly a bad apple fell off the tree and hit the man square in the head! The man was hurt, but; he shook his head and walked away.  He went to his friend the barber and told him what had happened and the barber made sure he had no lumps on his head.  

The next day some kids were playing under that same lone Apple tree,  big and full with fruit. Wouldn’t you know, another bad apple fell from the tree, landing right on one of the boys head.  Hurt and embarrassed he ran to his mom  crying, with his story of the injury he sustained from the bad apple tree.   

Outraged and concerned for her sons safety the boys mom, told her friend.  The friend then told her husband, the barber about the bad apples. The barber then told everyone he talked to about that bad apple tree and it’s bad apples. It didn’t take long for the town to decide what needed to be done.  That even though it was the last of its kind, the Apple tree was dangerous. 

The towns people were scared of the tree suddenly and fenced it off so that it was isolated from everybody and could no longer injur another soul with its bad apples.  But, just the sight of the tree scared the townspeople; Ultimately, they knew they couldn’t have this evil tree just sitting there in the middle of their only park threatening the mothers and children with its mere presence.  What if the branches grew past the fence line and dropped more dangerous apples? What if there were more bad apples in the bunch?   So, the townspeople  did what they had to and they cut that bad apple tree down. 

Soon all was well in the world again because they had eliminated all of the bad apples! There was no longer a threat of anyone else being hit in the head by falling apples, as there was no more bad apples! No good apples and no bad apples. In fact there were no apples at all. That was the first year the school was not able to donate the 20 handmade apple pies to the homeless or the cider.   It was also the last year that there was grass in their only remaining park.  It died because the sun was so hot. The townspeople didn’t realize it had been the large Apple tree in the middle of it all that had provided their beloved park with shade to keep the grass alive.  
Why do we judge as a society? Why do we believe we have the right purely as human-beings to decide some thing or someone else’s worth?  What makes us judge and jury of the “valuing” of all? What is it that makes us decide someone is a “better person”? Is it because of their money, their physical strengths? Someone could be one of the richest people alive and yet still be a blowhole -ignorant -asshole. Yet some would revear that person based on their net worth. A well respected athlete could be a drug addict and wife abuser and we would still probably wear their jersey. 

Why do we determine ones worth based on such small things? Shouldn’t we value a human for just being? We as a humans need to stop determining the worth of others based on what they believe in or what they look like.  What is it that gives us the right to determine an entire body of humans are evil and should be tortured or killed because of their beliefs, the color of their skin, their sex or sexual preference? NWe are all just human-beings, being human! 

It seems that a broad spectrum belief that one entire group of people is evil because of religion, sex or skin tone is making yourself Judge and jury.  Some believed as humans that Jews were wrong for their non Christian ways.  We believed that Jews were a threat to civilization and their murder, rape and the complete near annihilation was our human response? Because all Jews were wrong? Who decided that? Who was the judge and jury in the court hearing on that trial? Wait was their a fair trial? Hitler and Mussolini could not have controlled the situation as long as they did and be as powerful as they were, without the help of others. It is unfair to blame the tyranny on one. It took a village of fear and ignorance to kill so many. 

Did we have the right to turn African Americans and Native Americans into slaves? Because their skin was a shade or two darker then ours.  Who gave us the right to pack up all the Japanese and place them In camps? Was their a judge and jury on each one of those decisions?  Did they all get a fair trial? Or did we just arbitrarily determine their worth based off the fact that they or their ancestors were from an opposing country? Did anyone bother to find out how brilliant they were,  how honest or how caring?  Did we not first wonder who they were as humans before we took them from their homes? Did we test their knowledge or honesty before we decided they were animals and should be treated as such?

Now what’s to come of the Muslims? Have we been so deaf, dumb and stupid that we have not learned anything from our past?  Have we not figured out that to discriminate  or be fearfull against an entire group of people based on onesmall sector within it, is purely an act of misplaced ignorance?  We can not continue to devalue other humans just for being.  We can not continue to hate and fear entire societies based on the acts of some.

But it starts at home. As scared as you may be from the news and world horrors what does your gut say? Is your Muslim neighbor bad? What about all the friendly conversations and neighborhood barbeques? Are you suddenly looking  at them differently? Why? Have your neighbors even given you cause for concern or fear? Do you now think they are bad apples for some reason? 

Please people stop and think about it before you start to judge.  Don’t hate the entire tree because of a couple of bad apples.  

Concussion

What’s left of my failing brain
Is there anything up there
My memory loss is insane
It all just seems so unfare

Well I go through the rest of my life like this
Well I always get tired so quickly
Will I always be plaqued with such forgetfulness
Gone are the days I speak inherently

Is a headache going to be my reaction for everything
Every time I try to think about something serious
Will I always have one watching TV or when the phone rings 
I get a headache just because I’m furious

When will my own laughter not hurt behind my eyes
When will hearing rap music stop being so painful
My head even hurts worse when I cry
I’ve giving up on myself even trying to remain hopeful

Will my eyesight ever stop being blurry
Where everything I see has a double
Don’t ask me to move in a hurry
Taking things fast only gets me in trouble

Will I always need glasses to protect from the Suns rays
I need ones like Ray Charles wore
Will I always have to sit in a dark room all day
I’m not sure how much more silence I can endure

I can’t go to the bars with my ladies
I can’t take a hike with my peeps
I must have solitude like I have rabies
Because my head hurts just hearing people speak

Should I sell my car now since I can’t drive
Should I sell my home since I can’t work
In this state of being I’m not sure how to thrive
At this point I just feel like I’m going bizerk

I can’t handle going to see a movie
It’s worse then me just getting a headache
The picture and sounds could actually kill me
Because that’s more stimulus then my brain can take

If you come to visit don’t expect to stay a long time
I can’t handle too much conversation
Trying to concentrate is like making this rhyme 
It will take all my…….. 

I can’t remember what I was going to say

I Have A Headache

What the hell is “cognitive rest”?  How should one rest ones brain without being asleep or in a comma? Can one just shut the brain down? I mean I realize we do all the time when we’re bored or watching TV but I don’t get bored and I can’t watch tv. 

“cognitive rest” for a week is the doctors orders to avoid a brain bleed (seriosly! I’m not kidding). I went back to work yesterday (as it was Monday). It was my first active day since I got my concussion. I was fine at first but as the day went on I got worse and worse. My head was pounding, my brain hurt, my neck ached and was losing words and forgetting what I was talking about. It was both very frustrating, as well as scary. I was in more and more pain as the day went on. I also became more and more forgetful. 

Finally I called my doctor after realizing that my self diagnosis of “concussion” and refusal to see the doctor may have been a poor decision. My doctor told me to get my ass to the ER and get a cat-scan.  The ER Doctor evauated me and made me do a bunch of physical tests like touching my nose to her moving finger and decided I was probably not bleeding from the brain or I would show signs of it by now. Her prognoses was “concussion” (told you so!).  But, that I had put to much strain on my brain working and needed “cognitive rest”. 

So, now this broke ass girl is off of work for a week, maybe more!  I can’t work out or do anything strenuous mentally, physically or emotionally. I can’t watch a lot of tv, I can’t game (fricken solitaire hurts), I can’t read, I can’t listen to any loud music or see bright lights.  Hell, even my own laugh hurts my head. Everytime a man speaks to me I want to tell him to “ssshhhh man! You don’t have to talk so loud!”  I can’t even go for a trip because I’m not supposed to drive and I have no money!

What the hell am I supposed to do with myself for an entire week!? The doctors have taken away all my vices (well they did give me some Vicodin, that might help me check out). Just writing this blog has taken me four attempts. Because my head starts to ache and I have to set my computer aside And rest for 20 minutes before I can start typing again. Please tell me? What is an overachieving, non caffeine drinking, wake up at 5am to work out and going all day, kind of girl supposed to do with herself in this situation?  

I fear I may go insane from boredom here in LoLa-Land! 

Hard Headed

I had another event in my life that proved to me and others just how hard headed I can be! (Come on now I’m a OX by Chinese standards, I’m a Virgo by astrology standards, I’m part German by genealogy searches and I was raised by a strong minded woman, I wasn’t going to turn out submissive with all that going on. But, in this sense, I’m meaning a little something different. 

Let me start at the beginning. Last night SF came to see me (SF – stands for Sexy Fireman). We were supposed to hang out at Pieday (3-14) but he has to work that day. So, we decided this weekend that we would go to both our favorite place, the beach. I was really excited to see him, as I always am. He is just so damn hot and I love how he makes me feel, like a lady. 

Finally, my doorbell rang and I knew it was him. I ran to open the door I was so excited. I threw open my door and was even more pleased because he looked so fine!  He had on a nice gray wool shirt, matching beanie cap and some sexy ass pilot shades. I actually squealed a bit, 

“SF you look so hot!” I said excitedly as I was opening my screen door to let him in and he could finally see me. 

“Uh Hu JB the same could be said for you! Humf” he growled at me.  I just giggled like a school girl. (No seriously we are so cheesy into each other it’s rediculous).  

He had just put his stuff down and we were standing half in my dining room  and half in my door way still (poor man didn’t even have a chance to sit down yet), when I was suddenly, grabbing at the back of his jacket. I said, “give me some loving” ( this is normally his routine). 

“Oh alright! Alright! Let me get ahold of you now” he replied and he swiftly pulled me into his thigh-size bicep-clad arms and wrapped them both completely around my smaller center. Then quickly he had one of his huge hands grabbing one entire side of my butt (and I’ve got a really big butt), while I as trying to hug him as tight as I could. But, his large frame is to big for my small wingspan. 

“Let me at those amazing lips baby” I asked him as I let go of my hug and reached for his bald head. 

He just grunted again and quickly swooped both his hands under each butt cheeks and quick as lightening just picked me up like I was nothing (it was so fricken romantic and hot). With great speed and ease he just threw me up over his 6’5 frame and was about to kiss me when he first, slammed my head right into the support beam that holds up the center of my house and divides the dining room space from the entry way. It is literally the ONLY spot in my entire home where the ceilings aren’t at least 8feet tall. 

He knew it was happening before I could even register. Because just as my head hit the wood beam he looked up so he could drop me down on his lips for a nice romantic kiss. He already had me back down on the ground and was holding me tight and apologizing before I could even feel the pain. But, then the pain hit and I couldn’t cry or make a sound for a solid minute because  it hurt so bad. Crying or screaming in agony would have just hurt more, (Like with kids and babies when they get hurt. You know if they don’t cry right away it’s either really bad or not bad at all).  Finally, I could cry and then it wouldn’t stop and I felt so childish but I couldn’t stop I Was in so much pain. 

SF felt so bad (maybe not as bad as me). He quickly ushered me to the couch and sat me down. Got me an ice pack and put it on my head (which just the resting of the Pack felt like razor blades being jammed into my head). He got me some Ibuprofen and water and made me  take them.  He apologized left, down and sideways, he felt so horriabke. I wasn’t mad at all, I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me. 

“LoLa I was so excited to see you. You looked so fly when you opened that door. I just wanted to swoop you up into a big romantic kiss. I heard the sappy love song music playing in my head and everything!” He said. “Then the music was like RRRRRR and I heard the needle scratch. (I tried not to laugh at the analogy because it hurt to laugh). I always screw that stuff up!  This shit always happens to me! I don’t know what it is!”

I just started laughing, “then we are two peas in a pod baby because this is just another day in LoLa-Land as far as I’m concerned. I know nothing I can say will make you feel better, except to say, I knew you were trying to be romantic and I appreciated it and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me and I’m not mad at all”. 

He asked me if I thought I had a concussion and needed to go to the hospital. I knew I did have an concussion  because of the pressure I felt in my head and around my face. I’ve had like four or five concussions in my life, two were self imposed accidents, I know what they feel like. I also know the docs take forever and take a bunch of tests only to tell you what you already know. Then they l tell you to watch out for slurred speech, sleepiness, irritability, tingly fingers, trouble following conversation and dilated pupils. 

I also knew SF is a Fireman and a trained EMT and he would be taking care of me, and That he did! For the rest of our day he would watch the way I moved (which is normal but this time it was out of concern not hornyness). He would listen to my words very closely. If I flinched for any reason he would ask me if I was ok. I wasn’t worried I was bleeding or going to die but I could tell I had a concussion and my head heart inside and outside the rest of the day. I had to ask for silence three or four times because just conversing with him was hurting me. 

I told SF, “I am really moved (not just physically) by your grand romantic attempt at a kiss.” He looked at me suspiciously. “I’d like a do-over next time I see you. Can we just make sure it’s outside or in my livingroom?”

He just looked down at me and said, “anything you want JB!” And gave me one of his amazing kisses. 

Just another crazy date in LoLa-Land

I’m Not On Anything! I Swear!

Again today I was asked by my walking buddies, “what are you on”? And again, I respond with, “nothing”! It’s not like I’m offended that they asked.  I myself find my behavior peculiar.  As I was telling them all about my morning and how much I  Had already gotten done, it made me wonder what I was on myself. šŸ˜„. All my ladies thought I was on speed.  

It was 9:30am when we all met up at the park to do our walk.  And I had been up since 6am.  In the 3.5 hours I had been awake I had already, done two loads of laundry, stripped and washed the bedding to my bed and my guestbed.  Swept and mopped all my hardwood floors, de-cobwebbed the whole house, made my bed back up, glued a jewelry box back together,  cleaned from top to bottom all of my bathrooms and emptied all the trash cans In the house (oh and I gave the birds food and water). 

No, I did not drink any coffee, caffeinated tea, soda or red bull, I actually don’t like any of those.  I had only consumed water until I got in the car to drive to my friends, then I had a “cutie” nectarine. No I did not take any uppers or any other stimulant or substance.  I was just wide awake and raring to get some shit done. So, I got some shit done!  

Because that’s how I roll when I don’t have a bunch of work looming over my head!!! It’s just another relaxing Saturday in LoLa-Land. 

Sexy at a 16

I was so happy to see a size 16 woman on the cover of sports illustrated. The woman is a stunner and does the cover justice. All I can think is, “it’s about fucking time”.  I am a size 16 at times. some times I am even a smaller size.  And yet, so many people refer to me as fat or heavy. 

 
I personally feel (which of course this is just my opinion; but, it’s my blog, so your forced to it) that woman with curves are far  more attractive then stick figures.  

The average American woman, is a size 16, not a size 0. Yet, a size zero is what all the other models are. Since birth we have been subjected to advertisements and TV telling us that a size 0 is beautiful and perfect. Which as you can imagine, translates to a size 16 being way to big. I’ve seen my own sister (who was a model) practically starve herself because the talent scouts told her she was to fat, at a size 1. I thought she was so beautiful.   

My sister

She was always so hard on herself because of “the industries” expectations of what she was supposed to look like. Being far younger then her in age, I didn’t understand why she wasn’t perfect just the way she was (the way I saw her), but now I understand. 
Woman have  been made to feel like we should be smaller our entire lives (unless we’re one of those rare birds that are just naturally thin). So to, finally  have someone to look at on magazines, that actually looks a bit like us, someone with curves and some weight on her, is almost like a small miracle. 

I know bigger woman are not every persons idea mate, but I think a few more people (let’s be honest, men) might be a tad bit more open to giving us,  bigger framed woman a chance.  Maybe, after seeing how hot this woman looks, you never know.  

Funny thing is, I had just posted this picture on Facebook a few weeks back. 

  And interestingly enough, she is the same woman who is on the SI cover. I had no idea who she was.  I just knew, that this was one of the sexiest pictures I’ve seen in awhile and I loved the quote. So, to now see her on the SI cover feels like a blessing. It feels good to see someone who’s body is like mine, being promoted as beautiful and sexy.  Sadly, it does helps with my self esteem. (Sad beside I should just know I’m beautiful without having to see an image on a magazine). 

Thank you Sports Illustrated for being able to spot beauty in any size! 

One 15 min drive

Today I had to shoot home on my lunch break to pick something up and in the 15 minute drive, three different things occurred that made me say to myself, “Hmmmmmm????”.  

The first incident was your typical crazy driver.  A white “sexual assault” van was swerving from one side of the road, to the other. Sliding Accross both lanes, damn if anyone else was next to the van or not,(which thankfully we all had sense to stay back). The driver was not looking down like he was texting. By all accounts, from my distance all appeared well within the inside of the van.  Yet, from the outside of the van, it seemed this man felt he owned the entire road, so; why not take advantage of it. It really was just the craziest driving I’ve ever seen! Especially considering it was at 1pm on a Monday. Now if it were 2am Saturday I may understand. 

The second incident was about 5 minutes later, while I waited for a light, I noticed two woman standing on the corner talking.  One was a tall thick framed blond and the other woman was a older and shorter. The tall woman suddenly flipped out a foldable white walking stick and wrapped her arm through her friends. I was happy she had herself a guide as I realized, “she must be blind”.  Then suddenly her friend turned to take a step with her arm still looped in with the tall blondes and I was shocked, when I saw, she herself had a white walking stick. They were infact both blind. I was whitnessing the blind leading the blind, as the two walked arm in arm down the street.  Honestly they maneuvered the sidewalk wonderfully leaving the old expression of, “the blind leading the blind” being some sort of scary situation as antiquated and untrue.  I was quite impressed with both woman. 

The third incident which took place maybe three minutes later was when I was driving up to an intersection but I had a green light, so I was able to keep my same pace as I went through it. Just as I was about to cross over the intersections crosswalk I saw this cute little squirrel jet Accross the street in front of me.  It narrowly cleared five lanes of traffic and at one point I thought for sure he had lost his tail, but, he was fine. I wondered to myself after I saw he was ok, “I wonder if he was one pissed off squirrel!? I mean here he was in the crosswalk and everything! And he still almost had his ass ran over!”  Shit’s just not right man! That’s like animal discrimination.  

It was a very weird 15 minutes in LoLa-Land

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan