Still Bruised

The other night I had a girls night out.  Now if your not familiar with a girls night out and what that means I will tell you. For my girls and I, it is getting together to do something while we consume large portions of alcohol and really rich Food. On this particular evening, five of us were meeting downtown for foot massages and  then An Italian dinner. 

Now interestingly enough even though it is called a “foot” massage, they pretty much rub every single part of your body (except the private region).  You are also fully dressed and in a room with a bunch of people that you may or may not know. I find the entire thing very odd and random however  I am always down for a massage. So, I willingly go every few weeks and boy do I feel good afterwards. 

This last time, with the ladies, I got a female masseuse. I find when you tell a woman she can go hard, she will beat the shit out of you. If you tell a male masseuse to go hard he still keeps his aggressions in check and doesn’t seem to hurt me nearly as much as the woman do. So, This  female masseuse was working on my neck pretty good and she suddenly starts to firmly rub her knuckles all around my head. 

I had pretty much forgotten about the concussion, that is until she rubbed the area I got hit at.  All the relaxation she had just bestowed on me was gone and I wanted to slide down the chair onto the floor and as far from her as I could. I instantly shrunk down and motioned to her to stop. She kept going. So, this time I said, “no ouch”! (All the masseuses are from Thailand and don’t speak English).  She seemed to understand “no”! 

Since then I’ve had the pressure feeling I had when I was concussed. It feels like my brain is swelling again but I’m hoping that’s me just freaking out and really it’s just she rubbed my bruise and so now it hurts again. I guess I’m not as hard headed as I thought I was?

Just another lesson learned in LoLa-land

I’m All Yours

I’m all yours what do you want to do
I took the day off to spend the time with you

Can we cuddle for a bit today
Can we just lay around and play

Can you hold my hand when we walk
I promise to pay attention when you talk

We could discuss world events
While kissing and trading mints

We could go for a walk to the park or store
Or we could get comfy and just stay indoors

I’m yours for the rest of the day
I’ll spend it how ever you say 

I want to share all my spare time with you
Play poker for hours or just a game of clue

I like the idea of you and me by the fire
Some wine and very little attire

We could simply talk for hours about anything
Or pretend we did and talk about nothing

Our options are limitless as to what we could do
I don’t care what it is as long as I’m with you

Dating The World In This World

I’ve learned in my life to never judge a book by its cover. Just because someone comes wrapped in a package that wouldn’t normally be your favorite wrapping paper doesn’t mean you won’t like the gift inside.  When I was married I remember saying I had only ever dated white men. I don’t even think I had dated outside of the typical German/English man. I didn’t have a lot of Experiance , just a few long lasting relationships. 

Since being divorced I’ve had the pleasure of dating lots of different men. Many for only one or two dates and several for many dates.  I can now say I’ve dated Italians, Irish, Nicaraguans, African American, bikers (lol) more Germans and English men (still no Asiens, yet). There are many similarities and differences to all of the races in the world of men. I could write a book about them all. But today I want to write about perception. More Accurately the perception of us we get from people. The vibe people can give you as a couple. 

When I spend time with white men it’s no big deal. We are just another couple in a sea of couples. But, when I spend time with Sexy fireman who is African American I have noticed a feeling of hatred towards us at times. Once at a gas station as SF filled up my tank, I watched some redneck in a Hummer glaring at SF. Sexy Fireman didn’t even seem to notice or if he did he ignored the man who looked like he was just waiting for any reason to fight SF. I don’t know why?  I imagine this man and these people who feel this way  are racist and maybe take issue with us being a couple or they just take issue with SF in general? Not caring he’s a veteran and fireman, they just hate him for his skin tone. The entire feeling I get makes me sick and yet it doesn’t stop me from seeing him. 

Recently started hanging out with a man from Nicaragua and have gone a few places with him in are fair city. I haven’t noticed anger from people When I’m with him. People don’t seem to hate us for no reason. But, we live in a predominately Hispanic state and the interracial Hispanic and white couples are everywhere. Where he and I live (because he lives very close to me) it’s is about 80% Hispanic and a spattering of the rest of the ethnicities make up the remaining 20%.  But, what I find interesting (he has even noticed it and loves it), when we walk in our neighborhood, the other Hispanic men stare at me like I’m meat and he will see them and choose that exact moment to pull me in for a kiss or wrap his arm around my back. 

He said once after he chuckled a little, “they all want you LoLa. You’re so beautiful and they love the blonde hair. I’m so lucky to be with you. ” 

It’s so sweet and yet almost makes me feel embarrassed. It feels like he adores me and I don’t really get that emotion for lovers (but this is my stuff)!  But does he adore me because I’m me or because I’m white? I have always felt a lot of energy coming  from the men in the area but I didn’t know why.  I guess it’s the hair?

“I hope you don’t mind I hold onto you real tight so they all know you’re with me” he asked me. I just laughed of course I didn’t mind. I used to do the same to my ex husband when I saw woman checking him out. Is this a status thing? Why would it matter if he was dating a blonde?  Does this somehow make him more important in the Hispanic community ? Or is it less about being blonde and more about being white and not what he calls “brown”?

Seriously, what is all of this? Why do we have to be treated differently based on our physical traits. If any of the men I hang out with deserve everyone’s respect it’s SF and yet I feel we are treated the worst by people when I’m with him.  It saddens me that we haven’t really come that far in the war against racism. I guess I should be thankful that he and I are even able to be Friends without fear. But then again can we?  

Love and care are abound everywhere people. Why not be down with being cool with love. In what ever form that takes. I wonder how I would be treated if I was seeing a woman?

Oh well it was just another intro-perspective day in LoLa-Land 

Easter Bunny

Even though I have no boyfriend and for a year now I’ve had no one to get that special gift for on Christmas or Valentine’s Day. Which has actually been pretty nice because I’ve saved a fortune. I tend to go overboard sometimes with my plans and gifts for those special days. 

My mom says to me, “LoLa you do all these extravagant things for your men and then you expect the same in return and end up disappointed. No one could ever meet up to your expectations because your so over the top.”   I listened to her and I’ve been trying to keep things in perspective. 

So, here it is Easter and this year I want to do something special for Sesy Fireman. He told me once he hasn’t been given a birthday gift for years, which I think, is just sad.  I am sure it’s been even longer since he got an Easter Basket of goodies.  I didn’t go over board on what I put in it. Just the typical Easter treats and some items specific to just him.

He’s making me dinner tomorrow so I’m actually going to hide it and make him look for it.  I just know how excited he got when he handed me the wad of cash after my injury. I am sure it will be much of the same when he realizes it is like it was when he was a Kid and there is a basket of treats waiting for him somewhere. That’s the part I’m most excited about, watching his  glee. 

Sexy fireman has been feeling so guilty lately because he gave me a concussion. He hit my head on a beam and now every time he sees the beam he gets upset because there is an obvious dent. I think if it weren’t a load baring beam he would have replaced it. I could care less. I’m over the entire ordeal.  But I was awestruck he gave me such a generous gift and took care of the situation the best he could.  A lot of men, I’m sorry to say,  woukd have cut and run and left me to figure it  all out on my own.

I want to do something nice for him because of his generosity and responsible actions. He deserves something sweet done for him and I am just giddy thinking about his response. I know that even if he hates all the candy he will still love the thought.  Yet another reason I’ve kept this man around. 

I hope you all get a chance to bring some joy to someone today. 

 

My Vent Session

I was completely fed up with the bullshit at work. My boss and his tangents were on my very last nerve and I only had one left, so I decided to take a lunch for a change. Grabbing my purse in a rush I swiped my time card and flew out the door. Saying, “going to lunch” as I was already half way out the door. I wasn’t hungry at all, I was far to irritated and it was far to early. So, I just started walking not really paying attention to where I was going, I just knew I needed to get the hell out of work.

It didn’t take me long before I realized I was heading up his street. I saw his car out front and knew he was probably home and possibly even sleeping. I wondered if it was to early to disturb him? I didn’t know him that well. We had a few dates and I had a good time with him but he was not a person I would call when I needed someone to talk to. 

But, right now I just needed to vent! I needed to scream out what was bothering me and just have someone nod their head and listen. I stifled my worry of waking him and quickly walked up to his door. Before I could stop myself, I gave the door a hardy knock just in case he was in the back of the house. Then I steadied myself trying to quickly come up with a reason besides, “I’m pissed off as fuck”, as an excuse for my intrusion.

It didn’t take long for him to open the door. He looked like he was just getting up. His hair still a mess from his pillow. He still had sleepers in the corners of his eyes. His home behind him was quiet and that was about all I could comprehend. Besides the fact that he stood before me only wearing his white boxer briefs that snugged to every part of his large bulge. His hairless naked chest starred me in the face, suddenly reminding me that I hadn’t had sex in a few weeks. I found myself speechless suddenly as all I could think about was the rippling muscles in his shoulders as he moved the front door open wider to let me in.

I didn’t say a word, because I was suddenly rendered speechless. My anger was gone and I really couldn’t remember what I was angry about. All I could think about suddenly was the fact that I had no underwear on under my short skirt and I worried the moistness in my vagina was going to be soon dripping down my leg and he would know how horny I was. I shook a bit as I placed my purse on his coffee table because I knew I needed to turn around and say something to him. I could feel his eyes on me as I turned and I felt my skin flush red with heat as both my fear and my eroticism burned me up from the inside out. 

I was just about to excuse my interruption when he took two long strides towards me and pulled me into his strong arms. He planted his lips firmly on mine as he pushed me a step back and suddenly had me against the wall. For a second I couldn’t breath. I was literally breathless from his kiss. His tongue probed the inside of my mouth with a vengeance and I willingly accepted it.
My neck suddenly became his mouths wonderland. His right hand was actively seeking more of my skin as his left hand had a firm grip of my long hair and was using that hold, along with his weight to keep me forced up against his wall. All I could do was kiss him back. I had to touch him! I had to have him. I wasn’t freaked out by his aggression, just completely turned on. I urgently stroked his head trying to grip the short hairs on the back of his neck. Licking his neck and groping for his nipples. I wished I was naked so bad.  I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I wanted to feel the heat of his body. I pulled at the elastic of his briefs so I could reach inside them and grab his ass. Thrusting his hard cock against me. Instantly, little goose bumps formed on my arms and my nipples became even more erect under my clothes. I could tell he was just as excited as I was.

I couldn’t wait another minute. Both of us were breathing quickly and our hands were moving even faster, somehow I got his waste band over his large cock without scratching him, just as he was discovering my missing underwear. His fingers quickly found out just how wet I was. That’s when he made the first sound either of us had let out, as he moaned when he made his discovery. He had his fingers in me, thrusting them back and forth quickly. This went on for only about a minute before he had enough and was able to lift me just enough to slide into me. I screamed at his sudden move, which quickly turned into a welcoming moan of my own.

His dick felt so good in me. And As his thrusts lifted me up off my feet and higher up the wall and back down again, I let a little more of my frustrations go. I hadn’t realized what a void I was feeling before his dick filled it. Still holding me up with my hair, his mouth had some how pulled my right breast out of the confines of my bra and he was biting my nipple. His dick was pounding into my G-spot and all I could do was keep a firm grip on his beautiful ass. I only needed a few minutes of his delicious fucking before I was cumming. I could barley stand anymore from the chills and vibrations that were ricocheting across my body, my vagina did it’s normal squeezing act as my muscles on the inside all started twitching. 

The squeezing must have been the last straw for him because he quickly shuddered and moaned. I felt him start to weaken his grip as he let go of my hair. We both just slid to the ground in a exhausted heap. Both of us grasping for our breaths and trying to bring our heart rates back down to normal. 

After a few minutes I stood up, Straightened up my clothes and put my boob back in its bra cup. He just looked up at me from the floor with a sheepish grin on his face. It was then that we finally spoke to one another. 

“Did you need something?” He asked with a slight giddy and antagonizing sound to his voice.

I cleared my throat and said, “I just needed to vent”. 

“Are you feeling better now?” He asked me.

With that I gave him my little smile, knelt down and gave him a kiss, “I feel just fine now, thank you for having me”. With a wink I spun around, grabbed my purse and left.

“Come back anytime.” I heard him yell from the doorway as I quickly headed back down his street back to work.
“How was your lunch?” My co-worked asked me when I got back to work.
“Oh you know, same shit different day.” I replied. I then sat and giggled to myself and thought, “I wish all my lunches could be like that!”

Silence

You let me walk out the door and walk away
As you screamed at me for wanting to leave
You shouted at me that you were mad I didn’t stay
Yet you did nothing really to stop me

You’ve made no effort to change the situation
The way things are now is still exactly as they were
you acted like this change would effect our relation
And yet I find it so much easier to endure

It’s easy because I knew you wouldn’t fight for me
I figured out long ago your words were never true
All those times you said we’d be friends for eternity
Yet walking away from us was the first thing you do

You made it seem like I was the one who gave up
Because I no longer wanted to wait around for you
All I ever wanted was my friend to show up
And not feel like it was a favor I was asking you to do

You yelled that you had done so much to keep my friendship
That you had tried so hard to keep me in your life
To me it’s easy you say “we will always have a relationship”
You didn’t defend us so you could avoid having strife

But you never just laid it out to her
“she’s my friend and nothing will get in our way”
Instead you ignored me to appease her
And that’s a game I am not willing to play

I’m not surprised this new reality is so old it’s no longer new
I knew you would make no attempt to change the silence
Don’t ever think for a second it was me who gave up on you
You were to scared of your girlfriend to ever fight for us

I will never see it any other way but this
No matter how much you defend your plight
The fact that our friendship is one We miss
Is because you didn’t care enough about me to fight

That is how I will always see you
The man of empty promises who lied
I thought with all we had been through
That our souls would aways be combined

Can I Do That Mom?

It’s a beautiful day today. I had a hard time going to work. Looking out at the sunshine and all the people enjoying it only makes me miss it more when I’m stuck behind a desk inside. So, I did my best to enjoy it and rode my bike to work and back. 

On my way home I passed a large Hispanic family.  A Mother and her brood of small kids. She had three boys and a very small daughter walking beside her. As I passed through them I heard the young girl say to her mom, “that’s a girl mom?” 

“Yes honey that was a woman riding her bike” the mom answered. 

“Does that mean I can ride a bike too mom” the girl asked her mom. 

I looked back and gave  the cute kid a big wink and didn’t wait to hear the moms reply. But, suddenly I was filled with so much joy. 

Yes!!! Yes young sweet thing. Yes you can ride! You can do whatever you want to do. You can do what ever you set your mind to. I realized I was joyful because just being on my bike showed a young female that she can do it too. 

I remember being in college wondering to myself, “what the hell am I going to do with my life”?  All the Aptitude tests I took told me I should work with children. I should be a teacher or a nurse. But, to me those jobs were what every other woman was doing and had always done. I wanted to be something different. I wanted to be more than what the damn aptitude test figured I was. No offense to teachers or nurses. I feel both of those careers are highly rewarding and very important but I wanted something else. 

Then one day one of my favorite professors, a Native American, lesbian in her 50’s told us her story. About how she was told she couldn’t do anything but be a mother and stay on the land to raise her Native American kids. Instead she joined the army. Then studied psychology and was called on to help a soilder the army thought was Schizophrenic.  She diagnosed him as psychic. And then the fight between what doctors feel is psychotic behavior due to talking to invisible beings vs the native Americans belief that their spirit quides will lead them to what they need to do, began. 

She discussed her struggles with the knowledge she learned from the white community vs the raising she received as a native amarican and the differences in those two beliefs, and how the effect the mentally diagnosed. She decided it was her calling to be a voice for the other native amaricans who may be stuck in the white man’s psychological system.  

I sat and listened to her amazing story and I thought to myself, ” if she can do it so can I”!  Knowing I had far less chalenges to face.  Yet, here she was, living proof that I could do whatever I wanted to do!  She was an inspiration to me. She was a visual reminder that just because I was a female meant nothing negative. That I could accomplish what ever I wanted to in my life. It was then I knew what I wanted to do and I got my degree in that field, with honors. 

I’m appreciative of woman like this professor of mine for paving the way for me and my nieces. I am also appreciative of my mother (not my very rich father) that paid for my entrie education (a part from what my scholarships paid).  I am Thankful that she didn’t listen to her mom and just stay in the kitchen to care for us brats. 

I hope to continue to be an inspiration to other woman and young girls. Even if it is only for something small like riding my bike. Because even the smallest actions can bring about big changes. 

Just another wonderful day in LoLa-Land 

Sexes and Sex

I had another very interesting date last night.  A man I’ve known for a few years invited me to a party that was a cornbeaf and cabbage cook off.  Now I’m not a big cornbeaf and cabbage fan but hey it was in the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day and I suffer form FOMO so I said I’d go. It doesn’t hurt that I also really enjoy this man’s company and think he’s beautiful. 

It was an interesting crowd at the party. There was literally every type of person there and everyone was connected by their desire to vote on the best of the festivities foods (or so I thought). There were also ample sampling a of alcohol and smokes for people to choose from. As the night drew on the tone changed to one of a sexual nature and I started to wonder if I had just stepped into some sort of orgy group.  As talks of sex and sexual preferences became the topic of conversation. I was a willing participant of the discussion as usual but I was apparently among a number of sexually charged souls; so, things went beyond even my comfort zone. 

It occurred to me as some of us sat and talked about sex, while  others around us started to act of their desires that I was aware yet again by a glaring difference between men and woman.  You see, I was completely content to enjoy the evening visually only. Then go home with the beautiful man I arrived with and take advantage of him in anyway I saw fit. I didn’t  need to try out any of the other people at the party.  I am always happy with one person that I feel extreamly comfortable with. However, I believe if I were a man it would be a different story. 

I think if you lined 20 men up in a room and told a woman, “you can have sex with all of these men, some of them or just one. They are yours for the choosing”. Most woman I know would slowly choose 1 to 3 men depending on how adventurous she is and that would probably suffice (at least for the evening). However, it seems to me, that men, if given the same option, would tell all the woman to bend over and they would try every last one of them. 

I asked my date on the way home from the party (that we left early from), “did you want to join them in their activity? Are you bummed we left”?

“It could have been interesting to join in but I’m ok leaving” he replied

“There would have been nothing going on between us later if you had” I said “I’m just not into sloppy seconds”. 

He laughed and said, “well, just so you know LoLa I’m fine with being able to just be with you later. But, know that if this ever happens again I would be totally ok with you participating in whatever kinky thing may happen and then still come home and be your sloppy seconds”. 

He laughed and I shuddered at the idea of it. I’m not judging those who can so easily detach their bodies from their hearts. There are times when I wish I could be more like them; but, I’m just not this way. I can’t be intimate with men and not connected to them in some way.  I always get a little attached in to every lover, sometimes for awhile, sometimes for maybe a week.  Maybe this is naivety   who knows; but, I’m not ashamed to admit it. A connection is made on a physical level and I don’t forget. 

But, I wonder is this a sexes thing or is this just the way I feel?  Do any other woman want to weigh in on this? How many men would you chose? How many woman would your man chose? 

Just another sexually infused night in LoLa-Land

Hissy Fit

I tried to write him a letter today
In my head it was a eloquent portrayal of my views
But as I wrote down everything I had to say
All that appeared on the page were a bunch of “FUCK YOUS!!”

This is not the route I wish to take at this crossroad
If I was driving, flashing the peace sign would normally work
But, the middle finger is the only sign I see on this road
Because he is acting like such a jerk 

I’m trying to take the high road
Being an asshole like him is not what I had planned
But when an adult acts like a 6 year old
It’s hard not to dig your heals in the sand

I don’t know which way to turn
I don’t know how to progress beyond this junction
Does being a prick come naturally or is it learned
I am not sure how he has managed to function

If I can’t write the letter correctly
If we can’t be in the same room
How will we ever handle things directly
And take care of the issues that loom

What if he keeps acting the way he’s been
Stomping his feet and break what he can find
I’m thankful my time with him is coming to an end
Because nothing about him is very kind

Her Year

In January her relationship was over
Seems she wasn’t his only lover

In February her heart was broken
After his true feelings were spoken

In March her job was terminated
The entire division liquidated

In April her bank account ran dry
Her unemployment was denied

In May her hopes had faded
She was starting to feel jaded

In June her energy had lowered
It was more than she could shoulder

In July her insomnia was in complete control
Her depression worse than even she could know

In August her home was taken away
She scrambled to find a place to stay

In September her will to live was nonexistent
As she contemplated her existence

In October her spirit was gone
Everything in her life had gone wrong

In November her mind was lost
Just in time to miss the frost

In December she was dead
She put the gun to her head 

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan