Marilyn

She will Come to me in the form of pink flowers
Blossom for me in the Suns light
Keep the petals strong for any showers
So I may see each flower she sets in my sight

She will turn herself into the color of her lips
Soft and supple like herself years ago
Any shade from blush to raspberry fits
As soon as I see the colors I will know

That She has come to me in her fabulous way
Surprising me with her pink fragrant beauty
It’s her way of saying,”how are you today”
It’s her new way of getting messages to me

She said, “I will come to you as flowers, big and pink”
“You will see me when you least expect it”
I replied, “I can already hear you in my head when I think”
“But, Reminding me to listen,  is perfect”

“You will see me again” she said giving me a look
“I’ve lived thousands of lives before this”
“I should have been a better mother and taught my girls to cook”
“How do men deal with having a penis?”

As she brought up these random items I knew
It was a laundry list of things she had to say that day
She was hearing angels and feeling blue
So I joyfully listened to every word she had to say

“You understand me” she both asked and said
“Appearing when a pink flower should not”
“I understand” I said As I noded my head
“I love you and I’m going to miss you a lot”

I held her weak hand for awhile
Softly messaging some lotion onto her dry skin
Helped her wipe her tears and smiled
You feel all the love you’ve ever had for a person in the end

Saying “When”

One of my best friends is losing her mother. She has cancer that has metastasized to her liver and bones.  She is 68 years old and very frail At this stage. She is in quite a bit of pain and staying in the hospital until the doctors can regulate her pain. Then after June 9th when the law is passed she plans on “dying with dignity”. 

I have known this woman since I was 14 or 15 years old. I would walk in her home with my BFF and her mom would be right there offering us cookies and milk or fresh made bread. She would always want a hug and kiss from my friend and my girlfriend would do what all teenagers do, cringe and pull away. She would always want to join in on our discussions and see how her daughters day was. 

I thought of her mom as  June Clever. She stayed home all day.  So, it seemed her job was maintaining the home and making sure the kids were fed and happy.  She seemed completely content doing that job too. Sometimes I felt a bit of sadness from her as she would seem to be Desperately holding onto her children’s youths. As much as I know she wanted them to have great lives she didn’t want them to grow up and leave her.  She was night and day from how my own mother was (don’t get me wrong I have a great mom but she had to work a lot), so being pampered and cared for in her way was always such a treat for me. 

I’ve stopped in the hospital and visited her the last few days and we have had some amazing conversations. I love talking to dying people (does that sound horrible?) because they are just real! There is no need for bullshit. And I can be my blunt self and they don’t care because they have moved passed being offended by stupid things. People who are dying chose their concerns and worries and they simply have no time for stupidity. Talking with the dying feels like talking to angels, they are more aware of what’s really going on and not caught up in the superficial humanous of life. 

I asked her what her lesson was she learned this life, as we both believe in reincarnation and our lives are for a purpose.  She said, “live your life graciously”. I thought that was funny she said that,because this woman has never been anything but gracious to me my entire life. She has always put others before herself and with a smile, as she has always been happy to do it. 

When I told my boss  what she said about living a gracious life, my boss said, “I died for a few minutes once and was light with no worries or concerns and then this loud male voice said to me ‘it’s not about you. It’s about how you effect others. You have the power to break someone’s day or makes someone’s day!”  (I loved that she shared this with me) All I could think was, “if that’s all it’s about then my friends mom had never done anything but try and make my day!” And I will always love her for that!  

I am so sad she is leaving this life.  I am going to miss her energy and love. The earth will be missing a good soul when she dies, but it will be heavens gain. I’m so thankful she has the opportunity to let herself go before she gets much worse. Her pain is so horrible and not necessary. I am thankful for this new law that is allowing her to call her own death! It’s about time! For years we have been putting our dying pets out of their misery. Yet, we have tortured our dying family and friends by making them suffer endlessly until their bodies just give out, all because they couldn’t decide they’re own death! 

As sad as I am to see her go I am beyond happy she is able to say “when”.

Karma’s A Bitch

Managment came over to hang out with me the other night. As usual, it was good to see him. But as we sometimes do, he and I got involved in a rather long heartfelt sometimes painful deap conversation about our tangled past. 

At one point he brought up his Ok Cupid account that he opened and used while he and I were still boyfriend and girlfriend (In case you  don’t know Ok Cupid is a dating site).  He brought up how I ended up opening one of my own dating profiles after he left. He brought up how I even blogged about how I was going to get online to the very same site that my lover was on while pretending to be in love with me, and how pointed that was. The other night, Management looked at me and said, “don’t think I missed the irony in you going on a million dates because of me”.

Interestingly enough, the line between action and karma are extreamly clear here. I never even thought about it til he said that. Yes my intentions were pretty clear when I started the online account but soon after joining, those were forgotten and I was on a fury of dates meeting new men and having a great time doing it. Managment got on site first and says he stayed home each night.  I got on the site and had sometimes two dates a day. And the fact I dated or date so much still makes him angry, which I don’t understand because he was looking first, he left me. However, had he never started his dating site profile while we were together, I would never have jumped on when I did (or may never have) and would have probably been on very few dates. 

I believe in Karma. I believe we get back twice that which we put out. I believe karma works in a negative or positive way. I was devestated when I went online last November. And having men actually respond to me really helped me feel better about being betrayed. At the same time, the fact that it is now a year and a half later and Managment still gets upset when he hears me talk about other men I see. And he still get upset that  I’ve gone out with so many men, essentially because of him; and, I just don’t understand why?  But I do think the entire thing is karmic. 

Personally, I’d rather he not care who I dated at all. I’d rather him not have any pain with regards to my social life. I don’t want him to be in pain, especially with regards to something so insignificant. But I find it interesting that he still tortures  himself about it. 

Karmas a Bitch sometimes. 

She Don’t Love You

I was taking a walk the other day while listening to my Pandora as I traveled. I typically listen to the same few stations. I call them chick stations or chick music. Because they are all female singers, usually more folk then anything else.  I figured out long ago I like to listen to music I can sing too. 

Suddenly a country song came on, which I thought odd because even though I do like country, I typically don’t chose to listen to it and none of my folk chicks ever play country on their radio. But, hey stranger things have happened right?  As I walked I was a captive listener to the words of this song (because I had no other choice) and I suddenly wondered, “was this written about me”?  

It’s not a happy song at all, in fact it’s just like most other country Songs.  It tells you a sad story. But, this one is of a broken woman and how she handles being broken. Here is it by Eric Paslay “She Don’t Love You

It made me think of all the men I have dated these last few years. It Specifically made me think of the men who wanted me to be their girlfriend.  I thought of all the times I heard from a man, who I felt was like a  stranger to me, “I think I’m falling in love with you and I want to be in a relationship with you”.  And all I thought to myself was, “you don’t even know me”. 

Don’t get me wrong, it was never my intentions to lead anyone on or to misguide anyone. I tell everyone I date that I am dating other men. Yet, there always seems to be someone who gets a bit too attached. (I’ve been guilty of this in my life aswell but not for a long time). Some men have just wanted more from me then I have had to give. 

The song makes me sad to listen to and yet at the same time I get a strong feeling of just “knowing and accepting”.  It almost feels like confirmation for me. Yes I am bruised and I have been broken. Trust is not my strong suit and I am very used to the leaving. Through my accepting and affirmation of Mr Paslays words, still bring little comfort to the men who have found themselves falling for me in the past. Because no matter how much of their hearts they would lay on the line for me I would still not pick them up. And as much as I have tried to be honest and forthright with my male friends before hand it has still not stopped some of them from getting hurt.  

I guess I wish they could hear this song and realize that is not them. They are not missing any great attribute or lacking in anything. The only thing missing is inside of me. And no matter how much I may have cared for them or loved them in my own way I could never pretend to be, “all in” with regards to a relationship when pieces of me were not there to give. They always saw me as distant and uncaring and I always felt to myself, “I’m sorry you are just not right for me”.  When in reality it was likely me who was not right for them because I knew they would never get all of me and that wouldn’t be fair to them or to us.  

The lesson today in LoLa-Land Is “you can’t give away something you don’t have”. 

Strawberry Patch

Take me back in time to a different phase
Maybe not so much the golden days

Me as a young child in sunny California
Living on the beach with no cares to bore ya’

With hours of nothing important to do
The woes of the world were not in my view

I would be crawling about the strawberry box
Searching for that red fruit like a cunning fox

Me in my Cotten tank top and short shorts
My sun kissed skin and blonde hair out of sorts

Desperatly searching With the sun burning my back
Me on my hands and knees because grace is what I lack

My Nana would start calling from the kitchen
“Don’t pick them to soon my little munchkin”

Not hearing her or just not caring I’d forage on
I wouldn’t stop until every single spot of red was gone

“You eat them even before their ripe little one”
Nana would scold me as soon as I was done

I never cared much about what it was she said
I loved my starberries as soon as they were red

I would eagerly wait for the next day to begin
So that I could search the strawberry patch again

It’s Mine

There is something in me
A little hopeful something in me
Just waiting to come out of me

There is something in me
A little light that tries to quide
A purpose stronger than needs
Yet something I tend to hide

There’s something in me
I keep it wrapped up nice and tight
A little something no one ever sees
Hope thriving in darkness waiting for light

There is something in me
A little hopeful something in me
Just waiting to come out of me

A little hopeful something in me
That knows what I’m all about
It lends me a chance to believe
While I shower myself in self doubt

A little hopeful something in me
Wishing to come out of me and shine
Telling stories that make me happy
A perfect future that’s simply Devine

There is something in me
A little hopeful something in me
Just Waiting to come out of me

Just waiting to come out of me
This passion I have for what I want to do
Helping me become what I wish to be
Keeping me focused when I feel I’ve no clue 

Waiting to come out of me
Come from me as a beautiful sonnet
This little peice is all I need
It’s mine and I’ll always be a part of it

The Managment Reflection 

Hanging with my ex boyfriend lately has been kind of a trip. It’s not like it was before. I’m not complaining its nice to see my old friend again. But, I’m struck by the differences and how they seem to be effecting us (or at the very least me). 

Now when he talks about moving away or being with someone else, someone who can fulfill his wants and needs, I don’t get scared.  I used to be filled with fear when he discussed his true Desires to me because I knew I could never process those same wants. Which in turn (and did) end us (along with several Other reasons). When he talks about moving I think to myself “oh I hope he’s happy and I get to see him occasionally”. Before when we were dating and he brought up moving, I would be filled with dread and worry. I would wonder to myself, “LoLa why on earth are you letting your heart get strung out on this guy if he’s just going to leave you”?

One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed is our sexual chemistry. It feels like we suddenly have none. We’ve ALWAYS Had sexual chemistry. From the first night I met him when I was 19 and we were at a sound studio in Tiburon, we sparked.  We had a definite electric current that ran between us. When we saw each other after not seeing each other for 20 years, I was fresh off a run and he straight out of bed; and we had chemistry. When he came to a play with me and my nieces and I was seeing someone else. His leg brushed mine and I got chills all up my spine. After I broke up with that other man and he and I sat on the beach talking, he suddenly kissed me and I became instantly wet from his lips. He has always had a certain way with me that I can not explain. 

Yet, now I’ve seen him three times, since not talking for six months and there has only been a warm fuzzy feeling. A feeling of missing him and Glad to see him. A feeling of Hopefulness for our rekindled  friendship and sadness around our past, all wrapped into just trying to be in the moment.

I’m glad there is no sexual tension between us because that is not the route I want to go. I know how it’s ended for me before (oh so many times). It is just not a route that works for me anymore. But, I do so enjoy his company and our delightful stupid banter that we do. 

I’m just going to keep taking each moment with him as they come and try not to read too much into anything? But, it makes me wonder why? Where did that sexual energy go? Is it gone for good or just on a back burner? Is there just to much pain for either of us to ever go there again? Did we use the sexual desires up for each other already? Or are we just in way different places right now and we just need to be there to support one another?

Just another heart questioning day in LoLa-Land

“Fat” Whore

I’ve been trying so hard for over a month now to be careful about what I eat and how much I eat. To excersize every single day no matter what and to take a protein shake to make sure I get all my Nutrients.  I had done really well for the first 4.5 weeks and was seeing a steady stresm of weight loss. I was also staring to get some muscle definition in areas I didn’t even know had muscles. 

But, then I went and stubbed my toe last week (which I talk about  in my blog post Typical). Well I woke up the next day to lift weights and I could barely walk.  So, I didn’t work out.  But I still had pizza that night. Then Saturday I still didn’t work out.  I then went on a lunch date where I had a hamburger and fries. Then that night a girlfried and I went out to the coast and had fish and chips. Sunday I was still being a lazyAss and didn’t work out AGAIN! But treated myself to even more “Fat” gluttony and had a burrito. 

I was thinking about it as I was consuming all of these highly fattening meals. I was feeing like a crack whore looking for some crack no matter what!  But, instead I was being a “Fat” whore. I wanted to get ice cream Sunday night but my Date wouldn’t let me.  And thank god he didn’t because I would have been so sick. It was like my body was going through “Fat” withdrawals and needed me to just go get all the fat I could and bring it into my system. 

I wonder why I am such a “Fat” whore? Why did I have to eat ALL of those fattening foods. Why didn’t I just stick to one piece of pizza instead of four? Or get broiled fish instead of breaded and fried?  Why bother being so good to my body and then be so horrible? And for heavens sake I wasn’t even on vacation! Sad thing is I didn’t even think the burrito or fish and chips were that good. why did I eat it all up then? 

The good news is that on Monday I got off my lazy ass and started working out again.  And I’ve been avoiding the “fats” at all cost. (Including the doughnuts chocolate flourless cake and candy we have at work curently). I just need to figure out how I can have both. A sweet butt and a sweet tooth.  I need to learn, “everything in moderation”? But How do I learn a new habit which doesn’t include over eating?  OY!

Just another self-abuse Day in LoLa-Land

Something New

Moving on past this period in life
Opening windows and closing doors
Trying to avoid unwanted strive
Seeing what’s out there to explore

It’s the sea of change that’s coming
A wild wave you should be prepared to take
If The current situation is numbing
Taking the wave and leave all else at stake

Not willing to settle for anything less
Nothing less than almost perfect
Give It   everything including your best
To see if you can find just the right fit

It’s scary to jump into the abyss
To take the plunge into the deep sea
What if there’s something that’s  missed
What if It’s what makes you happy 

We have to take these chances sometimes
We have to start with moving our own chease
No one cares if your life is simply sublime
Or if your heading into depression with ease

You are the only ambassador of your will
You are the only one truly looking out for you
Take the intuitive to find the real deal
You may just be happier if you do

You alone are the one who needs to change things
No one else if going to do it for you
You must be the one to spread your own wings
It’s time to go searching for something new

Dancing In The Shadows

Tonight’s date had me laughing so hard I was glad I was already sitting on the toilet or I would have pee’d myself;  as it was, everything worked out fine. But, this is a man who is very subdued and quiet more than he is loud. He’s not one to let his guard down easily. 

Let me lay it out for you. Last night was a romantic scenario, with lots of deep breaths and giggles (mostly mine).  The only light in the room was from a lit candle on my dresser. I had set my phone on Pandora to what I thought was a smooth soul music station but instead we got more of a “African ant eater” station. We didn’t seem to notice until it was too late and we honestly just didn’t care at that point. 

Now this was by no means our first date or I would not have been intimate with him or trying to pee with the door open while  he was there.  Basically, what I’m saying is, he is a “close” friend.  But, as close as we are, it still took me awhile to get him to losen up a bit, Take his guard down and be more himself around me. 

On the flip side, I am still shy about using the toilet in front of him even though he is well aquatinted with my body and there is nothing I should feel weird about. Now, don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t there standing in the bathroom looking at me like he’s Pat Sajak suddenly, wondering why I was taking so long. No, no he was tooling around in my bedroom as the door to the bathroom stood open.  But, I knew he could hear me. I knew he was Just waiting for the tinkling sound that my urine makes. And I on the other side of the wall, was waiting for some other noise to transpire so I could relaxe enough to pee (please don’t ask me why I am so embarrassed to have someone hear me urinate.  I don’t know and I have no idea what that’s about). 

As I sat there trying to relaxe my vaginal walls enough to pee I looked towards the opened  door to make sure he wasn’t standing to close. The only light in the pitch black bathroom was from the bedrooms candle. Oddly enough, the candle lit the ajar bathroom door up like a spot light. I looked back down at my mangled toe for a bit trying to get my mind on something other than the fact that he was listening. 

When I looked up again at the door to the bathroom, I  was shocked to find a dancing shadow frolicking about on it,  like a stoned C3PO. This super serious naked “friend” of mine,  was using the candles reflection to be a full body shadow dancer.  Making no sound at all as he moved.  He was in my room butt naked performing his own shadow show just for me.  As he threw his big arms around in rhythm to the African music that was playing. I couldn’t tell if he was tying to do the robot or some sort of fire chant dance. But, it was like he was my own private naked mime performer. All I know is I laughed so hard I finally started pee’ing.  

Suddenly, he stopped dancing when he heard the tinkling sound, popped his head into the bathroom and said, “you liked that”!? With the biggest smile on his face. 

“Yes!  Thank you. It worked” I replied still giggling. 

I love it when people do funny or good things you don’t expect them to do. I get such a joyful kick when I’m  surprised by people. I really appreciated him trying to lighten my mood in order for me to lighten my load. (Haha)

Just another fun night in LoLa-Land 

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan