The Managment Reflection 

Hanging with my ex boyfriend lately has been kind of a trip. It’s not like it was before. I’m not complaining its nice to see my old friend again. But, I’m struck by the differences and how they seem to be effecting us (or at the very least me). 

Now when he talks about moving away or being with someone else, someone who can fulfill his wants and needs, I don’t get scared.  I used to be filled with fear when he discussed his true Desires to me because I knew I could never process those same wants. Which in turn (and did) end us (along with several Other reasons). When he talks about moving I think to myself “oh I hope he’s happy and I get to see him occasionally”. Before when we were dating and he brought up moving, I would be filled with dread and worry. I would wonder to myself, “LoLa why on earth are you letting your heart get strung out on this guy if he’s just going to leave you”?

One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed is our sexual chemistry. It feels like we suddenly have none. We’ve ALWAYS Had sexual chemistry. From the first night I met him when I was 19 and we were at a sound studio in Tiburon, we sparked.  We had a definite electric current that ran between us. When we saw each other after not seeing each other for 20 years, I was fresh off a run and he straight out of bed; and we had chemistry. When he came to a play with me and my nieces and I was seeing someone else. His leg brushed mine and I got chills all up my spine. After I broke up with that other man and he and I sat on the beach talking, he suddenly kissed me and I became instantly wet from his lips. He has always had a certain way with me that I can not explain. 

Yet, now I’ve seen him three times, since not talking for six months and there has only been a warm fuzzy feeling. A feeling of missing him and Glad to see him. A feeling of Hopefulness for our rekindled  friendship and sadness around our past, all wrapped into just trying to be in the moment.

I’m glad there is no sexual tension between us because that is not the route I want to go. I know how it’s ended for me before (oh so many times). It is just not a route that works for me anymore. But, I do so enjoy his company and our delightful stupid banter that we do. 

I’m just going to keep taking each moment with him as they come and try not to read too much into anything? But, it makes me wonder why? Where did that sexual energy go? Is it gone for good or just on a back burner? Is there just to much pain for either of us to ever go there again? Did we use the sexual desires up for each other already? Or are we just in way different places right now and we just need to be there to support one another?

Just another heart questioning day in LoLa-Land


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Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan