Getting Out There

I feel like I’m almost ready
Ready to plunge into something steady

It’s been almost a year I’ve been away
A year of just doing my thing each day

Not worrying about how anyone else is
How anyone else could effect my bliss

It’s been a nice break from the insanity
From men Placing all sorts of demands on me

My phone has been so very quiet for a change
No bombardment of messages making me insane

I’m almost ready for it all to start again
This time I hope to be better off in the end

I might just find exactly what I’m looking for
Or that feeling of “I can’t do this anymore”

I am finally energized enough to give it a try
I’ll be spreading my wings I’m almost ready to fly

It could be a nose dive straight to the ground
No interested parties to see if I’m around

It could be a attack of constant texts
with come-ons or rudeness that make me say “next”

Either way I’ll dive in with all that I’ve got
But, I refuse to pretend I am something I’m not

I will be putting it out there just as I am
All I need now is to find me a good man

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Together Forever

I can’t stop thinking about him
I hadn’t seen him in so very long
I didn’t expect to see him then
It wasn’t a place he really belonged

I was actually really excited to talk with him again
I was probably 15 the last time I did
We were in Highschool waiting for life to begin
I thought I loved him but I was just a kid

I had his name plastered all over my bookcovers
He and me “together forever” with hearts
I would hide these doodles when ever he would hover
Doodles could destroy a relationship before it starts

I would watch him ride his bike in to school
Throw his golden hair off his brow in one motion
Always wearing guess jeans because he was so cool
I was so strung out on him or on a love potion

After all these years I turn around and he’s there
Smiling down on me with those eyes so blue
My heart went bizerck but I didn’t care
“Oh my god he’s beautiful” is all I knew

I reacted just like I did when I was young
If my BFF was there I would have hid behind her
He makes me so nervous I started to act dumb
He was probably thinking “how much can I endure”?

He said he was still single
Never felt the need to settle down
I listened to him as I mingled
Being aloof is better then being a clown

I would speak to him whenever I saw him
Trying to learn as much as I could
I didn’t want our small conversations to end
But desperation is never a look that’s good

I’ve hoped he’d contact me since I saw him that night
I told him then I had crushed on him so long ago
“I crushed on you too” he said as his blue eyes got bright
I was flattered and then sad that I didn’t know

I wonder as I find myself thinking of him again
If he crushed on me then would he feel the same now
Will these torturous thoughts of him ever end
Or should I just ask him out myself some how?

If Death Came Tonight

If death came for me tonight I would not fight
I would not throw punches or try to run
I would not beg for death to come another night
I would not pretend I’m not me or act dumb

If death came for me I would not be sad
I would not beg to just be left alone
I wouldn’t scream about what little life I’ve had
Or about all the places I’ve yet to roam

If death came for me tonight I would be sincere
I would have death maybe sit a spell
I would ask death “what do you hold dear”?
Or “Death, is this reality I’m in, hell”?

If death came for me tonight I would be excited
I miss what we call “home” immensely
It would never occur to me to be frightened
I would actually go with death quite quickly

If death came for me tonight I would wonder why
“What on earth was this life all about anyway”?
“Why of all nights, is this the one I die”?
I would then wait to see what Death had to say

If death came for me tonight I’d worry for the living
My passing would be a surprise to all who know me
It would be so painful to experiance their grieving
Death sucks but it’s the way things have to be

If death came for me tonight I would be relieved
I feel like I’ve been tired this entire life
There is so much more beauty then what I’d leave
So much peace and love, never any strife

If death came for me tonight I would go in style
Ask death, “can we spin some R&B on the way out ”
I would dance towards the light with a big ass smile
Because I’m finally going to see what life is all about

My Style

I moved from SoCal to NorCal when I was still in grade school. I was just a kid when I moved so at that age, style was not something I could even comprehend. Fast forward about 30 some odd years and you have the me I am today (a fricken mess).  

Since I’ve been single “what’s your style” has actually been a question asked of me a few times by men and or dating sites. I had no idea how to answer this question. Seriously, I’m not like any of my friends. I hardly ever were makeup. I don’t think I’ll ever want Botox or fake boobs. I don’t care if my Jewlery is all one metal and I buy my purses at the goodwill. 

I’ve asked people a few times what they think my style is and I always get the same response, “you’re a hippy”.  Hell even my nieces call me a hippy. As much as I love hippies and that entire way of life I know this is just not who I am.  I am not about being all natural all the time or wearing only hemp and no deodorant. As much as I stand for Peace, Love and Happiness I am ruthless at work and sometimes I kill spiders. 

I like ornate clothes that feel comfortable to wear, are easy and look good on me.  I like ruffles, layers, chiffon, and dresses. I love skirts!  All kinds of skirts, ruffled, long, short, yoga style but the best is one with lots of material for spinning.  

Recently when I went back to my birthtown down in SoCal, I took my Neice shopping Down on the main drag where there are lots of cool little funky clothing boutiques. I realized after the fourth store In a row that I loved almost everything in every single store.  My Neice even said to me several times “this is so you auntie!” And I agreed, it was me. 

That’s when it occurred to me that noone where I live knows my style because it’s the SoCal beach style.  They don’t have warm beaches where I live.  Our beach wear is entirely different.  My style is not hippy it is “SoCal beach” (which hell some might call hippie). But, I think it’s different, more like a sun child then a earth child.  What I think is odd is the fact that I moved from SoCal and transplanted to NorCal at such a young age and yet that hometown style is still the style I love even after not living there for so long.  I would have thought I would have picked up a different look from spending most of my life in a colder climate?

I will say that It feels good to at least know what to say my style is now.  People may still not have a clear picture in their heads but maybe they can just see for them selves. But, I feel I can relate much better to “sun child” or “beach girl” then I do to “hippie”. 

Just another self realization in LoLa-Land 

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers 

I’m in my 40’s as are most of my friends and I am realizing that while I was once  “pre-pre-menopause” ( this was my Doctors actual diagnosis. Not sure how many “Pre’s”, menopause can have? But, that’s what I was).  Now, I believe I am just pre-menopause or maybe even full Menopause! (I type this and I hear the resonating, of that ominous drumming  “Doom,Doom, DOOOOMMMM!!” play in my head.  (Yes, in my head the drums say Doom not boom). 

I have been surrounded by other woman who are being savaged by hormones day and night.  I listen to their accounts of how they feel during any given hour of the day to waking up multiple times at night. I’ve even blogged about conversations I’ve had with friends. Here’s an example in “Is It Hot in Nordstroms “. I have felt so sorry for them and what they are dealing with and yet so scared for my own impending future.  I felt like I was in one of those Sci-fi movies were everyone slowly starts to get invaded by aliens. I see what’s happening and as much as I myself do not want to be invaded I know it’s only a matter of time. (What movie is that? “Invasion of the body snatchers”)?
Slowly I’ve had to come to admit my own defeat. Truly acknowledge that the wait is over and I know longer need to fear the dreaded hormones for I am in fact, already “infected”!!  As I write this at 3AM on a Monday morning. It’s not that I’m a night owl who hasn’t gone to bed yet. No.  I went to bed at 11:30 and woke up in the middle of the night soaking wet, again! It’s so gross waking up in a pool of your own sweat and not even have it be a hot night.  Have you ever had to deal with the “wet spot”? It’s a pain in the ass because it’s usually in the center of the bed and no one want to lay on it because it’s usually clammy and cold against yours skin; yet, usually you want some cuddling and that involves someone being on the wet spot. Well, when you wake up “hormonal” and laying in your own sweat it’s hard to escape the wetspot. Because the wetspot is the same size as your body!  I’m not sure what I would do if I slept with someone each night?  As it is now I can just roll over to the other side of my mattress. 

Then there is the menstral issues. All of my friends and portably even me soon are going on birth control Pills or getting IUD’S put in just to help regulate their periods. I mean it’s like junior high all over again. I never know when I will start or stop. I may be really, really heavy or hardly have a period at all. Sometimes they last 4 days. Sometimes I am just not right for 10 days. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it. Taking “the pill” keeps you on a regular schedule, which would be nice (even though I can’t have kids so it seems idiotic). As It is now, there is no sense in even trying to schedule certain events around my period.  I have found that if I get anywhere near another woman who is having her period; or, is having a hormone Syrge herself, I will end up starting my period again because of her. It gets to the point where you want to stay isolated or only hang with men. You start wanting to poll your friend before you hang out. 

“Hi honey.  I’m so excited to see you later but I was wondering before we do,  are you  experiencing any mood swings currently? Are you curently on your period? Near your period in anyway? Are your pre menstral?” 

Then if any of those answers are yes, i what to continue with,  “oh I’m sorry to hear that honey (cough cough) you know I am just not feeling 100% and I don’t want to get you sick. Can we reschedule for like… 7 days from now?”

I haven’t even mentioned the fact that I consider just walking out of my job (hello! My livlihood- bill payer) on a semi weekly bases for really no good reason at all. It’s like I don’t have any sense at all sometimes. I get to a stage where I am irritated as hell and done; and, I’M NOTHAVING ANY OF IT! 

 So, yes, I do believe it’s official, I’ve been snatched!  There is just no way around it.  My body is no longer my own. I have been invaded by the dreaded “HORMONE”. There is no cure for me. No escaping the hysteria and heat flashes. No avoiding the lack of sleep and trough of sweat. The madness and crying spells.   I must now adjust to this new way of being, where my being is not my own. 

Just another hormone infested day (night) in LoLa-Land 

Submissive

I will be just as you want me to be
I will wear just what you reguest
I will not moan until you tell me to speak
A response offered to you only by Bequest

I will do what ever you ask of me sir
If it pleases I will pretend not to enjoy it at all
I will take as much as I can endure
If you wish I will be your willing obedient sex doll

I will wait for you as long as you like master
I will position myself anyway you please
I will do as you say going slow or much faster
If it’s your will I’ll remain on my knees

I beg for you to punish me tonight
I’ve been a very naughty little submissive
Tie me up to the cross good and tight
As I show you how deserving I am of some forgiveness

Tell me when I should be ready for you
It is never my intention to disobey your demands
I can’t wait to feel what ever you plan to do
I am your willing slave and will do as you command

Sleep Abuse 

For a week solid I slept with someone else. I wish it was a sexy man with big arms and big…. Anyway, that was not the case.  I slept the entire time with one of my sisters kids so not only did I not get some hainky-painky, I had to sleep with clothes on (which I hate)! 

Now, I have been a monogamous kind of woman most of my life. These last two years have been the longest I’ve ever been single. So, needless to say I am used to having a man sleeping next to me. I have spent more nights next to a man than alone. With that said I have experienced the full range of sleeping issues from snoring so loud the mattress would vibrate, sleep walking, talking (which is just a form of sleep walking), farting. Hell, I’ve even been pee’d on. But, I have got to say, none of that prepared me for sleeping with either of my sisters kids.  

I spent most of the time With the youngest who is 11.  She would keep to her side of the bed as she was falling to sleep which was nice. However, she was absolutely traumatized when I tried to come to bed in just a tank top and underwear.

“Auntie where are your pants?!” She demanded. 

I tried to reason with her that my outfit was no different from what i would wear to the beach but she was adamant. “Put some shorts on!” 

Then she would proceed to wake me up every single night at least twice, doing any one of the following things: elbowing me in the back, kicking me, pulling my hair or by making a weird slurping noise like she was sucking her moms tit still. On the last night I was so exhausted from getting 6 days of shit sleep that when she woke me up Trying to push me off the bed with her feet, I actually started to whine and kind of lost my shit. “Katherinnnnnneee. STOP! Please! Or I swear I’m kicking you out of this fucking bed!” 

Not knowing why I was so upset she just rolled over and went back to sleep. 

I got to sleep with my oldest Neice for two nights in the middle of our trip and was almost relieved to get a break from the nightly beating I had been getting from her little sister. Much to my dismay sleeping with her was not that much better.  She would click the entire night. I have no idea how she does this, her mouth doesn’t move at all yet the sound similar to that of a ticking clock, ricochets off every wall in the room. Then she would posture in her sleep. She would strike a weird pose with her arms outstretched or elbows and knees up and just freeze like that.  Her body would be rock hard set in what ever position she was in.  It was like sleeping next to someone with rigor mortis. It was the most insane thing. She is a dancer so maybe she was literally striking a pose? I don’t know?

All I know is I couldn’t wait to get back home to my own magnificent oversized bed. I knew I would enjoy every moment of my naked solitude and end up sleeping completely spread equal in the middle of my mattress, just because I can!  Don’t you know that is exactly what I did. And when I woke up this morning after a full night sleep, I went right back to sleep for another three hours because I needed the sleep so badly. 

Just Another Vacation in LoLa-Land 

Waking in the Quake

I’m down in Southern California with my sister and her kids visiting our family.  We have all been staying at my dads house and he lives near Oceanside. The other night I was sleeping soundly in my little sisters old room with one of my nieces.  When I was suddenly woke-up to a bunch of rattling sounds. 

I knew what was going on as soon as I first woke up. Being that I’ve lived in California my entire life I am not new to this rodeo. We were having an earthquake. The bed was shaking and almost bouncing a bit, being we were on the third story just made things worse. All of the old figurines still left in my sisters shelves shook like crazy. I swear it lasted for three minutes but my dad said it was more like 10 seconds. 

I usually handle earthquakes quite well.  In my experiences they have been more fun and exciting then terrifying. (I know I only need to be in on bad earthquake for this feeling to change).  I remember the San Francisco earthquake of 1989. I was about 60 miles away from the epicenter.  It was a 6.9 on the Richter scale, where I was from work, I could see the ground rolling like a wave and all of the cars swaying back and forth like swings in the wind. I remember feeling unsafe everywhere and yet being fascinated by what the earth was doing. The 1989 earthquake caused 63 deaths and thousand of injuries. But, where I was it just damaged some of our structures. 

The other nights quake was a 5.1 and it felt like it lasted so long. I actually got scared and reached Accross my sweet sleeping Neice to protect her head and center of her body with mine so that if the ceiling caved in she would be more protected. You are supposed to get under a desk or chair but it was 1am and I wasn’t going anywhere fast.  I don’t mind earthquakes just like it seems people who live in the middle states don’t seem to mind Tornados (and yet I think they are insane!) But, I will tell you this, waking up during a earthquake is just damn unnerving.  It took me a other two hours to go back to sleep after it hit because I kept waiting for the wonderful aftershocks. 

Bad Behavior In The Sex Store

Yesterday I had the wonderful pleasure of tooling around San Francisco with my ex boyfriend. This is something we used to always do when we were dating. It’s been almost two years since we’ve been able to go SF shopping; So, yesterday was a real treat.  We did what we normally do and a bit more. 

First of all my ex called it “Joey and Jancie’s day of fun” (A FRIENDS sitcom reference). So, I started our day with Janice’s very loud and annoying laugh “HAaaAaaAaaa!!!”, which I think really set the tone. We were then off to go second hand shopping, get some lunch and check out “Good Vibration’s” (a shop that sells most things anyone needs to have fun, kinky or playful sex). 

The sex shop was my destination of choice because I can get one particular itty bitty little toy there, cheaply compared to the store nearest to my home. Even though I was super excited to go to all the other places and just to be able to hang with my lost friend again, the sex store was A must, for me. 

When we arrived at the Good Vibrations, I was al excited and made a beeline straight to the item I needed. I quickly swooped up  four of them. Stating to my ex, “that should last me about a month.” Which made him laugh. (I go through them quickly, but not that quickly. lol).  I asked the sales lady to hold them at the counter for me and then we proceeded to look around and touch everything. 

This store is fun because they take pretty much one of everything out of the boxes and containers so you can feel it. See if it vibrates and what that feels like or see the actual size, etc. You, as a customer are actually prompted to pick things up and get a better look (but not USE).  So, I guess I crossed the line when I  took one of the riding crops out of the bucket and quickly swatted my ex boyfriend in the ass with it. (Something I knew he wouldn’t mind). He laughed and went “woooo”.  But, the lady behind the counter said, “Ma’am”? 

I looked over towards her, not sure if she was talking to me or not (I figured she was), “Ma’am please don’t use the merchandise in the store”.  (And yes, she was talking to me). 

“Sorry” I said and then giggled because honestly it was worth it!  It felt good hitting him, there, in the store, right then. 

We strolled around and looked at more things. We must have spent about 30 minutes or more looking around. Then I saw it!  An adult coloring book! I was so excited! I had to take a picture of it and send it to my coloring friends. 

That’s when I heard the sphincter police from behind the counter again, “ma’am”. 

I looked behind me once again in her direction and was shocked to find her standing right behind me (damn my ears are bad), “Ma’am we ask that you not take pictures in the store.” 

At this point I was both irritated and giddy. I thought the entire thing was so funny.  I wasn’t trying to cause problems. But, damn I was having a good time doing it. At the same time, I do not like being reprimanded, especially over something so silly as coloring book. 

So I smarted off a bit, “well maybe you should follow me around the store and make sure I don’t break anymore of your rules”!

“Ma’am we ask that you not take pictures for the comfort of the other shoppers” she replied. 

“I highly doubt me taking a picture of a coloring book is making ANYONE else here uncomfortable” I protested. 

Again she looks at me and says, “ma’am we ask no one take pictures in the store”. 

“Ok, ok”, I gave in. I figured they would be kicking me out soon. 

I had never meant for there to be an issue or get into any trouble with anyone. I was being playful and having fun and she was just a big bummer. Yes! She was just doing her job and a fine job at that! But, I was uncomfortable when I left and grumpy. 

I wish they sold the same little toy at Mr S’s Leather.  Your just uncomfortable from the second you walk in that store!! From the gay porn playing above and store clerks in speedos, you have no choice but to become less uncomfortable the longer you stay. Until finally you’re talking about nipple clamps with the hairless sales clerk in chapps. 

Oh well just another fun filled day in LoLa-land

Sweet Moments In Time 

Today I spent many hours with another one of my adopted families.  Another of of my BFF’s who I have known… Forever and I know all of her family members. Today she had a double graduation for her two kids. One kid graduated from Highschool and one of the kids graduated from the state college and is going to be getting a PhD at Penn state. We are all so proud of both of them, but; no one is as proud as their parents (my friend and her man). 

My friend and her hubby got up at one point to give a speech for their kids to all of us.  My girlfriend who is  very shy actually got up and read a poem she wrote, which was both so sweet and so enduring to hear.  She cried threw the entire thing, which made her hubby cry, which made her son cry, which made all of us cry and their daughter just rolled her eyes at everyone and said, “really”? 

Her husband tried to speak but was so emotional all he could get out, “was thank you for coming” (which was enough for all of us). Watching the two of them, up there infront of all of us, stating their proudness and love for their kids to all of us family and friends; I was Suddenly lost In a time warp.   It was now over 20 years earlier.  

It was suddenly May in the 1990’s sometime.  I was standing in a gazebo next to my best friends two sisters and I was wishing to god I had remembered to hide some Kleenex in my bra or something. Their were no pockets in my blue lace bridesmaid dress and all three of us bridesmaids had tears streaming down our faces.  We had been doing ok watching one of our loved ones marry her man. But, when he started to cry while professing his love for her, we all just shed the tears like crazy and lost our shit!

Behind them most of the audience was shedding tears watching them. While this couples,  1 year old son sat on grandpas Lap, just laughing and clapping; having the best time. His Parents had him just after Highschool and decided not to marry each other until they knew they loved one another enough to spend their lives together. And now 20 years later they are still loving and crying together. 

I came back to current time when everyone started to clap. I saw my friend and her hubby hold onto one another and was filled with love for them. How lucky they are to have found each other so soon in life. How lucky their kids are to have their love quide them. It was a sweet moment over 20 years ago and it was a sweet moment today. I was thankful to be a witness to both of them. 

Just another great day with my adopted family. 

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan