Just Thinking 

Tonight one of my cousins posted a video of a conversation between him and his son in the car.  My cousin was driving while his son sat in the backseat yelling at my cousin for not remembering his goggles for swim lessons. My cousin was very non dramatic and matter-of-fact about the entire thing. Basically moving forward with the idea that his kid will survive at swim lessons without his goggles. While his son sat behind him just beyond livid. The kid was throwing things, air stomping his feet yelling at his dad, begging for his moms help and flipping his father off. 

The kid was so confused and so angry he actually flipped his dad off right and then turned his hand around so the front of the finger, with the nail, was facing himself. Which made me laugh and then I was in awe that my cousin didn’t reach back and smack that boy.  

I was thinking to myself (as I watched the video of this kid being pissed off about not having his goggles) not about the fact that the kid was given swim lesson and how cool is that? I was not thinking about all of the kids who never even learn to swim or ever get to go in a pool or body of water. I didn’t think, wow this kid has some real issue with not having his goggles. I wonder if the chlorine hurts his eyes?

No!  All I could think about was, he had his middle finger turned towards himself………………… Does that mean a reverse “Fuck You”? Does that mean, “I love you” instead?  Or does it mean, “Fuck me”?  

I wondered then, if this hand motion will be the new thing? The new self defeating expression of the old “fuck me” can be the middle finger turned towards oneself. We could design t-shirts and coffee mugs. It could be the next yellow dot face or pet rock!!! 

This could be a fucking genuis! And it was all it was all because of a four year old boys fit. 

Just another crazy day in LoLa-Land 

Gone LoLa

Yes things between us have changed
You were gone for far to long
You broke me for the last time being estranged
I thought you loved me more, I was wrong

Of course I’m not the same woman You left behind
When you left I was in love with you
I couldn’t imagine my world without you by my side
I was devestated you left for someone new

When we were together I just wanted Sunday’s in bed
More cuddle time all wrapped up together
Massages with feathers and sex on counters of glittery red
While not having to fear any upcoming
departure

But you didn’t move away like you said
Changing jobs, homes, shoes and me
You took everything away instead
Taking with you, your heart, care and body

You say you fought hard for our friendship
Still we didn’t speak or see each other for a year
While making yourself the victim of our relationship
And taking from me so much of what I held dear

Yes, I moved way past you in this realm
I lived my life instead of watching it on Facebook
Of course you assume I’m some whore from hell
Your presumptions of me make me want to puke

I cried for you and the loss I felt for awhile
I then I sucked it up and picked myself off the floor
Finally learning how to make myself smile
Suddenly my life was totally mine to explore

I learned so much while you were gone
I discovered I don’t need you or anyone to make me happy
I found a place where I belong
That there is still joy, even with no man standing by me

It was hard to let you in to my life once more
I still had not really gotten used to you, it’s true
It wasn’t long before you were storming back out my door
It’s just, This time I have no interest in chasing after you

Yes, I am a different person then the one you left behind
Now instead of being in love with you, I’m in love with me
I’m sorry if my words hurt, I never set out to be unkind
I kept telling you to move on, but you refused to see

You talk of the magic between us
The special way we touch
I’m sorry those moments are like dust
I don’t really miss them much

You’ve built us up in your head
While systematically making me the enemy 
What we had darling, is dead
Your alone now like you wanted, why aren’t you happy

A Singles Indifference 

A Single must stay in a state of indifference
Always keeping things to themselves
Becoming numb to emotions in a sense
Staying shielded from anyone else

They must not get to excited when meeting someone new
It could be to painful for their wobbly ego
You may say, “I don’t do this” but, you probably do
We’ve all been spun, not willing to let go

A Single must never drop their defeanses
Never let their underbelly show
Being open reminds them of their innocence
This isin’t a bedtime story with a hero 

A single must stay aloof until they can trust
They don’t want to be heartbroken again
Making sure it’s deeper then being in lust
All giving hope they will find love in the end

The Pychic Feelings

I think we all have some kind of psychic abilities it’s just a matter of wether we are able to tap into it, or not.  I’ve been trying to pay closer attention to these abilities within myself and or weird things that happen to me. 
Lately I’ve been noticing that I sometimes get a physical reaction because of other people’s energies.  I first noticed it a few years ago when I was dating a raging alcoholic. I would get physically hot when I was around him and then a bad tightness in my chest.  I now see there are more feelings and reactions. 

When I’m near someone’s who’s super happy I feel warmth. My heart and my being become warm all over. It’s lovely and sometimes I’m almost jealous of the person because I wish it was me. 

When I’m around a person who’s really unhealthy or dying, everything in me gets guiet. You could hear a pen drop in my head. (My head is alway going so silence is weird to me.) It’s almost unsettling. I myself will go inward for self preservation and become very peaceful.  Which I think is why I do well with people who are dying.  

When I’m near a person who’s really angry my chest will ache. I will feel a very bad feeling all over and my chest will just suddenly hurt, like I was punched. So when I’m around really angry people I do 1 of 3 things. 1 I will leave, 2 I will tune them out so I’m almost not listening anymore because it hurts. 3 (this is really bad) I find them humerus for what seems like a lot of negativity for no reason (even though I may not no the reason) and I start to smile and giggle.  All three techniques stop the chest pains.  

When I’m around someone who is really sad my jaw gets tight. I feel very overcome by sadness myself and all I want to do is hug the person. This one is the worst because I can’t hug strangers. So I usually have the feeling until about 10 minutes after the person has left my presence.  

When I’m fortunate to be with someone in love my heart gets warm.  It almost feels like it gets bigger and I become over joyed myself.  When someone has a broken heart my heart will actually ache and hurt with each beat until they leave. 
Add in my on emotions to my life and you can imagine what a hot mess I must be like?  Oh well, what can I do? Except acknowledge it and try recognize what’s me and what’s in my environment. 

Just another “learning as I go” kind of day in LoLa-Land

Molly Time

I love my Molly!  (Seriously not talking about the drug here.) I have a friend name Molly who when ever I am near her I feel way more in touch with my psychic self.  It’s like she’s a conduit to my inner abilities.  

Today I had dinner plans with one of my best friends but she cancelled to go up to the city for the day.  I found myself without plans for the evening; which is very rare and I was kind of looking forward to being alone and yet bummed at the same time.  When suddenly Molly texted me and asked if I “had plans for the evening and could I meet her for a meal after work?” I was instantly excited, flattered, surprised and curious.  I was excited to see her. Flattered she wanted to see me because she’s a very social being who is always doing things and always busy.   I was surprised because I thought she was still in Hawaii but mostly I was curious to see what would happen. You see, whenever I’m around Molls, things just pour out of me.  

We were sitting at dinner and catching up on everything and everyone in our lives. (It’s been a few months since we really got to talk). Then she started to talk about her new job and BOOM I felt this weird energy shift inside of me.  This door like opened in my head and I saw her years ago at our old company where we worked together. I pushed my plate aside and said, “here we go! This is it. Let’s talk about it”

She looked confused, “huh?” She asked. 

“This is why you called me” I responded matter of factly practically rolling up my sleeves. 

“LoLa I called you because you’re my friend and I missed you.” She said defensively but kindly. “I just wanted some time with you. You have been on my mind.”. 

“I know Molls. I was so Happy you texted but I think the reason I was on your mind was the universe knew I could help you. Now tell me what’s up with the job?”

Then she toId me what it was and what her reservations were and I  proceeded to give her the message that I was getting and I do believe it spoke to her.  She said, “I know all of this. I know everything you’ve said to me is true. I just needed someone to say it to me.” 

She was right.  I believe that we think about the friends we need, when we are in weird spaces in our lives. There’s a reason we are thinking of them. We all bring something different to the Table. For some reason with my close loved ones and friends my physic abilities are open wide. When I’m near them I can see and feel different things around them or of them; it’s bizarre and I don’t usually talk about it.  But, Molly knows and she gets it.  I love her for that.  I love my Molly time I always want more.  

Just another wonderful day in LoLa-Land  

Business Forplay

The interactions between me and my super hot client (I’ve spoke of him before in The Bees Knees),  the last couple days have been interesting to say the least. Not sexual in anyway (sadly, I do so find our banter fun).  Sadly, sex for he and I is just not in the cards. Funny banter is as sexual as it gets. For our purely business relationship, our interactions are our forplay.

He walked into my work the other day looking sexy as usual. 

“Hey stranger how ya doin”? I ask him as I rise up from my chair and walk towards him. 

We meet each other in the center of the room and as he hands me his packet of bills he says to me, “I’m not well. I have the stomach flu”. 

With that information I quickly took one Large step back away from him  and reached my arms out a bit farther so I could begrudgingly take his paperwork. He saw all of this as well as the look of pure horror on my face (because come on who wants the stomach flu); and said, “I licked every single bill there” as he pointed to the pile he just gave me. 

“Great!” I replied sarcastically “now can you leavel? He flashed me his beautiful GQ smile and left. 

Today I texted him, “hey how are you feeling? I hope you’re better.  I was just wondering if you could get the hours to me so I can do payroll?” 

His response was simple, “I will email them in 10 minutes”

5 minutes later I got an email from him with the hours attached.  “Here you go Ms. Demanding”. 

At the same time he texted me, “be careful with the hours I emailed you, I licked them”. 

I almost died laughing but I had to make a quick response (because as I said before, this is our business forplay); I replied, “great! Now we will have to update our anti-virus software”. 

Just another fun with pun kind of day in LoLa-Land.  

Nothing’s Chnged 

Why can’t you Just be honest for once
You have no reason to lie
It’s like you’re afraid to be blunt
Or let someone else be the one to decide

You determine your best out come
Then you let out only the information that works for you
You must think woman are just dumb
Or you wouldn’t do the jacked-up things you do

If you’re going to start something fresh
Why not start on solid ground
What you are starting is just a mess
That won’t be good for anyone around

How does she feel about your actions
Or does she know anything at all
Have you only eluded to some fractions
So she doesn’t freak out when you come to call

Would it hurt her too much to know the truth
About all the things you’ve done she’d feel deceived by
What if she were to come accross some proof
Then your lies would be all you have to hide behind

Have you not learned anything from you and me
Did you care at all how your deception made me feel
You only wanted me until you had your new lady
You need to have a backup plan in case things get to real

I’ve been that stupid girl before
Devastated and yet still loving you
It’s hard to watch you hurt her for a score
It’s more then just sex for her but that you knew

She probably imagines you together again
She probably got her hopes up for what could be
It wasn’t her who wanted your relationship to end
I’m sure fucking her will help her tremendously

Then on the side is little o’me, the one you left behind
The one you said you would respect above the rest
Yet, as soon as your chalenged, it’s “oops you slipped my mind”
Again I’m the stupid girl, feeling like she’s worth less

Keep playing your games with woman
Or just make this other lady your number one
As for who gets you in the end, she can win
Whatever you and I had, it is done 

Friends To The Rescue

One of my friends and I met at the nail salon because my toes were just down right embarrassing. While we were there shooting the shit and catching up another one of our friends came into the shop and sat down next to us and talked to us while they did our toes. We were all going to go from there, to dinner. When one of the girls mentioned the friend who introduced us all, and how she was not doing well.  Turns out the man she thought was “the man” was not “the man” after all but just an angry man and not even a good man. 

So, instead of “dinner out”, we opted to walk to the store. Where we purchased sausages, Corn on the cob, asparagus and a large container mixed fruit. We then all took our three seperate cars over to our sad friends house and surprised her by telling her she had to make all four of us dinner. We also brought two bottles of wine.  Our sad friend was already half way done with her own bottle. So, we finished off hers and then polished off the next two bottles.  All the while, bitching about the men in our lives or lack of men in our lives. 

 One of the girls (the only one of us in a relationship), looked at us and said, “you will all meet your soul mates. I don’t doubt it for a second”.  I did.  I do.  I doubt it all the time. I knew I was helping my sad friend by just being there with her; but, I didn’t know what to say to her. 

She said, “I’ve been single two years, That’s long enough. I don’t want to get comfortable being single and then not want anyone in my life”. I understood what she meant. I remember being newly single and writing about my long time single friends and how ritualistic and set in their ways that they were. It was almost like they didn’t have room for love. I never wanted to be like that.  

Yet, Here I am, single just as long as her and set in my ways.  I have my routines and I love them.  I have company stay over sometimes and it’s usually fine with me to have someone in my space. But, I am happy when they leave, so I can be alone to have my time. Have I become the single woman my friend fears?  Or is this happiness with myself just a good thing? 

But, I and my psychotic single behavior was not the focus of the evening; my sad heart broken friend was. So, we laughed with her and she cried. We declared our self importance and all men’s stupidity. We ranted and raved and bitched and moaned.  It was all similar to when cats have meetings. 

Meow

But, we were with her.  We were with her In her sadness. We were with her in spirit and in love. Because that’s what girlfriends do for each other. We all helped clean up and we hugged her and reminded her she was not alone.  Then we all left, together (which is funny- odd, right? )  We were like the three whitches from Sleeping Beauty.  We came, we showered with love and glitter, and we left. Hopefully leaving our sad friend not quite so sad.  

Just another Goodwill Day in LoLa-Land. 

A Big Girl

I was at a party the other night and a man who I’ve known for years and who has never been someone I would likely date came on to me. Since, I’ve never picked up any vibes from him that he’s interested in me, I’ve always assumed he felt the same as I did so I was surprised. At this particular party I looked unusually “hot” and I felt his energy shift towards me at some point. However, let me fill you in on some back story.  This poor guy had a rough night. The woman he loves was there on another date and yet she came with him and not the date. I could feel and see his anger and sadness.  I think his finally noticing me was more out of desperation and lonliness then because he really liked me. 

“You know I’ve never been with a big woman before” he said to me as he stood extreamly close to me. His lips a few inches from mine. 

“Are you serious” I asked him?  “Did you just try to flirt with me by implying that I’m a big woman”?

“Well..” He shrugged and looked me up and down.  “You are bigger than me”? Was his response. 

I laughed, “yes! Yes I am” I said to the 5’8 150 lb, 50 something year old man. “I could probably kick your ass. But man, you could have handled that pick up better.  I’m not big. I’m a woman of substance.”

“You are sexy as hell” he said to me. 

“That’s better”, was all I was thinking but I was still not interested and even more so now, because I knew he just needed companionship; He didn’t care from where and I’m not that girl. I still had to get him back for his bad come on.  

“You think I’m sexy” I asked him getting even closer. 

“Oh god yes” he responded

“Then you should see me naked.  My body is sexy as hell when I’m naked.” I teased. 

He let out a moan then puckered his lips and closed his eyes. I was laughing in my head at him.  How drunk and silly he was being. I felt sorry for him. So I leaned in the inch or so and gave him a peck on his lips and then I walked away. 

I hope the next day was better for him. I hope he and his love work their stuff out. For his hearts sake, I hope they figure it out soon. 

Just another big day in LoLa-Land

Hidden Talents

Went to my friends half birthday party last night.  Half, as in their birthday is in exactly 6 months and these gals use any reason they can to have a party (which is why we all get along so well). The drinks started poring at 3pm and I was drunk and sobered up a few times before I finally came home today. 

There was this man who showed up late and when he walked in he had a certain look to me. A mystery about him.  He looked like a cross between Elvis and Johnny cash. He was sporting these huge dark shades, jean jacket and wavy black hair.  His name is Jamie. After he had been there an hour and having not spoken to him yet, I struck up a conversation with him. I was walking with him down some stairs and kept getting the feeling in my gut that he was a musician.

 “What instrument do you play? I’m getting a total musician vibe from you” I said to him. 

“Really?” He laughed “I just finished a gig before I came here.  I’m a songwriter, singer and guitar player”. 

“That’s fucking hot” I replied. 

He laughed, “well maybe later I will pull out my guitar and play for you all” he said.  

“Ok” I said like an excited 5 year old. I adore live music and love when people feel they can just break out in song and display their craft.  I am always so impressed they are not to scared to put it out there.  

Later he did pull his guitar out and played for us while making us sing along.  He has a beautiful voice and has really uplifting sweet lyrics to his songs.  I totally enjoyed his inpromtu performance.


 When he was done he turned to the few of us who sat to the right of him and said “you sounded really good, a few of you can really sing.”  Then my friend David who was sitting next to all of us, said to me “LoLa! I didn’t know you could sing like that”.  I thanked him and got up and walked away.  When it comes to singing I get so incrediby bashful. 
Jamie only stayed a little while and was gone with the night but his music stayed in our souls and we all just kept singing because of him.  I was so lubricated  from alcohol and feeling accepted from previous words of encouragement around my singing; so, I just kept singing too.  It felt good to share my voice with my friends.  At some point I wasn’t scared and felt more free.  When a few of my friends left they told me I had a beautiful voice and I was so honored.  

When Jamie left I so badly wanted to slip him my number. Not because he was hot but because I wanted him to read my poems. I wanted to suggest we work together on something. I think our words and our voices would pair well together.  But, I’ve never done that before and I wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone by being such a novice.  So, instead I write to my blog about it with disappointment in my heart and feelings of another missed opportunity.  But, I still had an amazing time last night. 


Just Another crazy day in LoLa-Land

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan