Listening To My Gut 

I had a date with a man today that I was actually quite excited to meet.  We met online a week ago and we have been talking or rather texting this whole time. All of it has been good stuff. I found him to be charming, insightful, honest and polite. There were some negatives (as there always are) but the positives seemed to way out weigh the negatives about him. 

I thought we had made plans to meet in my town (which is about an hour away from his, one of the negatives) at noon.  We had talked a few times about how excited we were to meet one another. And yet I texted him at eleven this morning to see if he was on his way and he had no idea what I was talking about. He said when we had made the plans he was drunk and didn’t remember them. Yet, we had spoken several times since then and not once had he suggested a different time to meet up and even confirmed  seeing me today. 

Though he was sincerely apologetic, when I got off the phone with him, even  knowing he would be there to see me (just a few hours later then expected) I was irritated. And I wondered if my irritation was just some over exaggerated-female Anxt or if I had a true reason to be irritated. I was paused from any forward movement to get ready as I laid on my bed in deep contemplation about whether I should even go out with him or not. Why would I want to meet someone after they’ve pissed me  off? Won’t that only be setting them up for failure? I mean I would be walking into the date with a chip on my shoulder. Then he called…

“Hey, do you think we could reschedule to another day. It’s such a long drive and I have a lot of stuff to do still? Would that be ok?” He asked. 

Now anyone who knows me, knows I hate to be cancelled on; I think it is so disrespectful. So, I said, ” that’s fine.  I was actually thinking about calling you and cancelling myself. But, I don’t think we should reschedule”. 

“What? Why?” He asked. 

“I just don’t feel like meeting me is your priority. And being that this is the first date and your cancelling that doesn’t bow well for us” I replied. 

“But this is the first time we could see each other” he protested. 

“Yes I know!” I was polite yet firm, but I went on, “it strikes me as odd that you were cool with seeing me today and yet you apparently (since he couldn’t remember out plans) couldn’t even be bothered to set up a time to meet me. Not to mention knowing you would see me today why did you not do what I did and, make sure all of your stuff that you have to do was done before today?”  

There was a silence on his end, so I went on, “It just seems to me that if you were really interested in seeing me you would make an effort of some sort and you haven’t at all.  I’m looking for a man who wants to make an effort to see me or feels like it’s no effort at all. It’s just what he wants.” 

After another silence he said, ” wow. Ok then. I’m sorry. Goodbye”. 

I said goodbye aswell and we both calmly hung up. What stuck me enough to write about all of this is how proud I am for listening to my feelings. Knowing what didn’t few right to me inside and sticking to my guns enough to make myself feel better. If I had pretend to have been ok with a new date and rescheduled, I would have been so mad and it and at myself for letting him treat me like that. It would probably have Ben cancelled too. I just feel that if a man is into you he will make an effort.  It’s just time for a better class of men in my life and I’m not taking seconds or being anyone’s after thought anymore.  

Just another growth day in LoLa-Land 


Thankful Project 

This Thanksgiving I am once again thankful for my friends and family.  I fully acknowledge how valuable they are to my life and without them I would be so depressed and lost. Once again this year I am thankful my best friend Crystal. She was knocking on deaths door last year at this time but she is still alive and kicking (actually she’s doing great). I jumped on a plane to see her last year because I was so scared she would die. She was so thankful that I went to such lengths to see her and I still feel as I did then, that I would do if all again in a heartbeat; if she needed me. No thanks needed because I love her. B 

This year there is no need for me to worry about a loved one, thank goddess. But, I feel this need to do something nice for someone else.  Something that they don’t or would never expect.  Someone I may not even know. For example, Last night I was pulling a grocery cart from the long stream of carts and when I turned with my cart to walk into the store; I noticed the elderly woman waiting for me to move. She looked so weak and she was so small. I had to give the cart quite a pull to release it from the rest of them.  It occurred to me that act might be a tough job for her.  So, I gave her my cart. She was shocked and thanked me A few times. It cost me nothing but a few seconds and a little bit more energy.  It was just a simple act for me and yet for her it could have meant a night free from a sore shoulder or back. 

This all got me thinking that I wanted to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to you all.  I hope everyone finds at least one if not all of the following to happen to them today.  I hope you all get to spend some quality time with people you love.  I hope you all get to experience some kind of delightful meal whatever that meal is for you. I hope you all able to acknowledge something you’re thankful for in your life. Mostly, I hope you all come up with a plan to do something for someone you don’t know that they can be thankful for.  

I’m throwing down the gauntlet right now. I’m asking each of you, if you are willing to participate?  Wether it be for a day or for one month (or longer), I want you all to try and do one nice act for someone you either know of don’t know that will make them feel thankful for you.  These don’t have to be monetary things or even a physical act of any kind, it can be verbal. Just saying something to someone that will bring them a little more joy to their day is all I ask of you. Go big or go small, it doesn’t matter, just do something.

Then spread the word. Tell people you are doing the “Thankful Project” and that all you have to do is one unexpected kind thing a day for someone else and that you then you have to tell someone. That way you are owning and taking pride in your thankful act. Because no matter how small it may be you should feel good for just even trying to bring more joy to someone else. Tell me if you want to, I would love to hear your stories. It will just bring me more joy to know others are happier. 

If the people you tell about the “thankful Project” want to join tell them they can at anytime for as long as they want. It can be one day or forever.  We do not discriminate and accept all who want to do it.  I know this is not a new concept but What I am asking you all is to make it an active thought each day until it is accomplished. I am vowing to start for one month. From now until Christmas i want to do one nice thing a day for someone else. My hope is I will want to just keep it going even after the month is up.  My hope is it will spread like wild fire and start to consume us all in joy and thanks. Right now I think we can all use some. 

Ok who’s in?


I’m feeling very halted lately.  It seems all of the wind in my sail has disappeared.  The change I was planning to make in my professional life didn’t pan out. The man I was excited about meeting from my online dating site…. Didn’t pan out either. Then this weekend I clumsily missed two steps into a room and hurt my back not falling on my face. (Saved my face, wrenched my back). Since then I have been working half days and taking mass amounts of ibruprohen just to make it through what little sitting I can handle. 

I am literally halted in love, in business and in my body. I’m wondering if the universe is trying to tell me something here?  I haven’t even been in the mood to write, which is really weird. I guess I am just not sure what it all means but I’m just sort of sitting with it ( well, more like standing or laying). Essentially, I am processing this Experiance and wondering what it is I’m missing? Because, it definitely feels as though something is off or missing?  I just need to figure out what it is. 

Black Book Cell Phone

I realized the other day that my phone has become my little black book.  It has every number anyone has ever given me. It has all the facts about all the men I know. It tells me when they’re birthdays are and how reach them. I add notes and pictures to my contacts so when men contact me I know instantly who it is. I even inadvertently set up a audible messing system that works wonders for me at work.  

I have set ring tones for different people for different reasons. If someone I really love and consider family or a best friend messages or calls they get a special ring tone. That way when they text without even looking at my phone I know who it is and if I need to look at it right away. 

  If a man that I like texts me then I give him the whistle ring tone. So when I hear that sound of someone whistling at me,  I automatically get all excited and feel my energy level rise. I tend to look at those messages right away. 

When a man I don’t like or who has wronged me in some way send me a message I usually have changed their ring tone set to the barking dog sound. When I hear that sound I cringe and I feel dthe hairs on the back of my neck pop up.  I usually take my time reading those messages.  

There is one man I know who I feel is the king of all dogs.  Not because he has wronged me in any way but because I know of at least five woman he has slept with and I know he “gets around”. For him I have a special ring and that is the horn sound that they make before the dog and horse races. Because quite honestly I think is the keeper of all the dogs. 

Breaking Into The Hospital

Halloween this year was a different story then most. There was so much going on this year and my sister needed help with her kids. One had dance in one town, while one was doing football in another town,  while the youngest needed to be picked up from afterschool club. It was raining cats and dogs and everyone wanted to go trick or treating.  And finally to make things even more complicated our dad had surgery that morning and was in the hospital. 

I helped my sister out by driving to the neighboring town and picking up my youngest niece, who funny enough was dressed in scrubs and said she was a nurse.  Where as I had dressed in scrubs for Halloweeen to and was telling everyone I was a brain Surgeon (hey go big or go home) After picking her up I took her to my house, giving her space to do her homework, fed  her dinner, then we braved the rain to go trick or treating. By the time all of that was done it was already 8pm.  It was then that I was able to finally go to the hospital to see my pops. 

When we got to the hospitals the doors were locked and no one there, it was as if someone just shut it down for the night. Just when we were getting ready to leave a security guard showed up and I asked him, 

“Is there anyway to get into the hospital?”

“Maybe if you go around the back to the emergency room. You could probably get in through there” he responded. 

We were still dressed in our scrubs so I think he thought we worked there as he never once mentioned what the sign said, that visiting hours were over.  My niece and I drove around back and walked up to the ER doors.  I had a small feeling that noone was going to let me in to see my dad since it was obvious visiting hours were over but it couldn’t hurt to ask, or not ask….   Just as we entered the lobby to the emergency room the internal doors to the back flew open and two guys pushing an empty gurney came running out.  I didn’t stop at the front desk.  I Didn’t even acknowledge anyone else, I just walked right through those double doors and into the back of the ER.  

Just after I walked into the back I surveyed my surroundings. My Niece stood frozen in the lobby on the outer side of the now closing doors, “auntie! AUNTIE!!” She was freaking out because she is our rule keeper. (She never does anything wrong. She is always quick to tell anyone when they are doing something wrong.) I turned to her and mouthed “ssshhhhhhh!!!” And motioned for her to get her ass over to me.  I think the only reason she even budged was because she was so scared she didn’t want to be left without me rather than breaking the rules with me. The ER was just a big room with a desk in the center and lots of mini rooms made up of hanging curtains as patient areas.  I saw a few people look at my Neice and I and then look away. I quickly started walking around trying to find a way into the main hospital. When suddenly a doctor came through two doors that read “Authorized personal only”. But, honestly I didn’t care because I saw the king hospital hall just behind him.  I quickly waked through the same doors and heard my petrified Neice again, “auntie!!!”  She was frozen in the ER. 

“Do you really want to stay in there?” Which made her jump.  We quickly walked the halls of the deserted hospital looking for the elevator to the second floor. My Neice finally musters up the courage to speak to me. “Auntie what are we doing? We are not supposed to be here!” Just then a man in scrubs pushing a wheelchair walked by us.  I waited to him to pass before I responded. 

“Sweetie I know that; but, I think because we are both dressed in scrubs they aren’t paying attention to us.”  

Just then I found an elevator but again it said “authorized personnel only” over it.  However, right then the doors to the elevator opened and I took it as a sign that the universe was guiding us.  All doors just kept opening for us. I quickly walked into the elevator and tuned to find my Neice frozen in the hallway still,”AUNTIE!! You can’t go on that!” She said in a panicked whisper.  

“Girl! Get your butt in here!” I said irritated, we were so close to seeing my dad. Again the doors started to close and she ran on to th lift. “What on earth are you so scared of?  It’s not like we would get arrested. We would simply be asked to leave. Honestly, I think they think we work here”.  Just then the doors opened and we were finally on the second floor. We were able to follow the room signs and quickly found pops watching TV in the bed of his hospital room.  “Hey!” He almost yelled as he was very high on pain killers. “This is a wonderful surprise! I didn’t think anyone else was coming!” We each gave him hugs and I told him how we had to break in to the hospital to see him.  He laughed so hard and then tuned to his granddaughter and said “what did you think would happen? Did you think you would be arrested or something?” As he was still laughing. I could see she was really mad at first but I think just seeing him get such a kick out of our story made her mood change and soften. 

I took my Neice home around nine and was finally able to go home myself. Dads back at home recovering from his surgery.  My Neice is still speaking to me and my sister  hasn’t said a word about it.  So, I’m hoping all is well in LoLa-Land again 

Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan