Alone! Alone, alone, all alone

I’ve been very alone since the new year started.  I know it’s a trend in my life because I am so often times unbelievably busy the first quarter of the year and I tend to loose sight of what’s going on with those around me.   But, I am now coming out from the death grip that work has had on me and I’m looking around and no one is here. All of my friends have partnered up with someone And they seem to be just not that available.  

Normally, in the past this feeing of being alone has frietened me into a panic stricken state of worry and wondering, “oh my god is this loneliness!  What if I become lonely? What if I remain all alone!?”  And yet this year I am not upset at all.  I realize that loneliness is a state of mind not a state of being.  I realize that I love my alone time. I love even more not having to work while I’m having my alone time. I don’t fear the length of time between visits with friends and lovers. I am just as excited to lay on my bed sideways and play solitaire as I am To go have dinner with a friend.

The only thing I tend to worry about now with regards to my being alone; is, what if I become so used to being alone I can’t at some point handle someone else in my space?  I don’t want to become one of those woman who are so set in their ways that they can’t budge just a bit to accommodate someone else. I know these are premature fears for me to have; as I have only truly been single a few years. For me to worry about such things is a futile waste of my time and harmful to this body I’m in. Why stress about something now when it may cause me stress again later?  Why not just deal with that when And if I need to?  

Just another self-perspective evening in LoLa-Land

Brawny Man

I went out last night with a man I’ve been dating. He wanted to take me to meet his friends at Trivia night (which I am horrible at Trivia by the way).  I of course was dreading the trivia but fully enjoying the idea of meeting his friends.  The Brawny man ( I call him the Brawny Man because he looks just like the papaertowel guy) and I have been dating since mid December and had already hit a few rough patches.  We both have amazingly complex schedules, that never seem to align very easily.  Last night was the first time I had been able to spend any quality time with him since two weeks prior.  I was excited just to be able to see him. 

Last night,walked in to the bar and he immediately introduces me to the hostess for the evening and says to her, ” Claire this is Rah… I mean LoLa”. They both laughed and I was irritated. “Apparently, he’s getting me mixed up with his other girl” I said to Claire and then her and I giggled.  For some reason Brawny Man didn’t find it funny. 

So, we’re sitting at trivia hanging with his crew. A bunch of young good looking dudes all in their mid 20’s just taking off in life and Brawny Man is 47; myself, a whopping 43. I was having a great time being surrounded by all the smart, young, sexy guys in the room, feeling much like a mother Hubbard. Then one of them mentioned that it had been a month since they had played. They all concurred with him and patted themselves on the back to show in their manly way they missed each other; brawny man included.  All the while I stood there wondering where the fuck Brawny Man had been if he hadn’t been at Trivia the last four Thursday’s? Because, that is where he told me he was.

I laid low and said nothing. I know enough from my life lessons to check my facts before I freak.  We stopped to get gas on the way home and while he pumped I checked my text history with him and sure enough last Thursday he was going to Trivia and then coming to my house at 9. He showed up at my house At 10:30 but not before texting me that his group came in fifth place. All I was thinking was  “dude, he straight up lied to me”!  As I sat there burning up from the inside. 

He got back in the car and I say, “who did you play trivia with last week if they were all gone?” 

“I didn’t play Trivia last week” he replied

“Yes you did” I insisted 

“No” He insisted as well

“Then what did you do?” I asked him

“I don’t know why?” He asked me

Irritated at his avoidance “you told me you were at Trivia”. 

“No” he answered 

“Mmmmm yeah!  you said you were going to trivia and that you guys came in fifth and you were sitting around talking and that’s why you were so late coming over.”  I reiterated the text I had just reread.  

“Honestly, I don’t remember what I did sorry” was all he gave me. 

I was so pissed instead of asking him to spend the night I told him to drop me at my front gate.  I didn’t even want him to enter my complex. He drove away before I was even safe inside the gate which I felt was very ungentlemanly.  (A man should always make sure a woman is safe before he drives away, no matter how angry he may be) 

Later he told me he wasn’t going to make up excuses about something he doesn’t remember. That he probably went to a movie and dinner for some alone time because I was such a drain on his time off.  This message only further enraged me as I had seen him for all of four hours all of last week. The week before I saw him only two night, this week I was supposed to see him two nights.  Next week we only had two nights available as well. How on earth is that me taking up his time?.  Most woman I know expect a daily visit from their men and honestly aren’t we supposed to want to be with each other?

I was so mad all I could say or think were a bunch of rude snarky comments so I said, ” you lied last week about what you were doing even though you knew I was unavailable. Why would you even need to lie about going to a movie if you knew I couldn’t impose on precious alone time? This just doesn’t make any sense? Which tells me you’re lying again”.

In my gut I know there is something amiss here.   I don’t know if he’s with another woman or not; but, he is hiding something and I don’t have the care or energy to figure out what that may be. It’s obvious, He is just not the right man for me. 

Just Another Failed Relationship In LoLa – Land.  

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan