Alone! Alone, alone, all alone

I’ve been very alone since the new year started.  I know it’s a trend in my life because I am so often times unbelievably busy the first quarter of the year and I tend to loose sight of what’s going on with those around me.   But, I am now coming out from the death grip that work has had on me and I’m looking around and no one is here. All of my friends have partnered up with someone And they seem to be just not that available.  

Normally, in the past this feeing of being alone has frietened me into a panic stricken state of worry and wondering, “oh my god is this loneliness!  What if I become lonely? What if I remain all alone!?”  And yet this year I am not upset at all.  I realize that loneliness is a state of mind not a state of being.  I realize that I love my alone time. I love even more not having to work while I’m having my alone time. I don’t fear the length of time between visits with friends and lovers. I am just as excited to lay on my bed sideways and play solitaire as I am To go have dinner with a friend.

The only thing I tend to worry about now with regards to my being alone; is, what if I become so used to being alone I can’t at some point handle someone else in my space?  I don’t want to become one of those woman who are so set in their ways that they can’t budge just a bit to accommodate someone else. I know these are premature fears for me to have; as I have only truly been single a few years. For me to worry about such things is a futile waste of my time and harmful to this body I’m in. Why stress about something now when it may cause me stress again later?  Why not just deal with that when And if I need to?  

Just another self-perspective evening in LoLa-Land

Christmas With Martha

I have a friend (we will call her Martha) who is just like Martha Stewart (of course besides the prison time). My friend is maybe not the best chef in the world but she’s the best damn hostess you will ever meet and excels in decorating. This is why I call her Martha. 

Now at Christmas time last year (a week or three ago) she invited all of main girls over to her house with our families to string popcorn.  Now, you know me, I am always down for something new and I have never strung popcorn before.  

I went to the gathering with one other single childless woman and we along with two other woman who came with munchkins started stringing popcorn around a kitchen table.  The munchkins had long since given up. They were gone At the first sign of tears and blood which for some was their first attempt at piercing the poppedcorn with a needle; the kids were over it. 

For us ladies it was like a sewing circle but with corn instead of material.  It was actually quite difficult to string popcorn. You have to have just the right piece to make it work.  Or It breaks in your hand or your pierce your finger with the needle. It kind of sucked but I did it!! I strung about 6 feet of corn on to string and then turned to Martha and said  “here you go honey! Put it on your treel!” 

She was horrified! Now what I failed to mention earlier when I said she was like Martha, was just how into this shit she is.  When I walked into her home I was greeted instantly with a winter wonder land. I could see garland upon Garland strung from every handrail. The scent of cinnamon filled the air. Wreaths hung in every corner and a tree in every room.  Each tree in every room had prizes and ornaments that were color coordinated and it was all in some sort of Christmas fashion. There was the silver and blue room. There was the brown and gold room. And there was the red, gold and green room. 

So imagine her absolute horror when I asked her to add my ugly homemade popcorn strand to one of her meticulously adorned trees?! (It was fricken hysterical!)

“Well honey I figured you all could take them home with you and put them on your trees” she replied through gritted teeth. 

I knew that she would of course say something to this effect so I was already with a quick comeback that would throw her a huge curveball. “Now Martha, you have been so kind as to invite us over and make all this poppedcorn and purchased these evil blood sucking needles and thread; and You have three trees, let us decorate them with our love and blood. It’s the least we can do”. I say with a huge smile. 

The whole room goes silent and mind you there were close to 20 people in the room.  Both her college age children who grew up with her OCD tendencies and everyone else  were waiting on baited breath to see what her response would be.  

Our other friends started to chime in, “yeah Martha they will just get crunched in our purse’s on the way home”. Or my other single friend said, “I don’t even have a tree”!  

Which of course lead me to “what’s Tracy supposed to do with hers if she’s got no tree”( suddenly I was Greek)?

Martha stood there in the room frozen. I knew she was facing her worst nightmare      . It was the struggle between her OCD habits and not wanting anyone to come close to her perfect trees; Yet, also wanting to be the perfect hostess. 

” ok ok ” she yielded and I am sure it almost killed her to even say that. ” you can leave it here and I will add it to the tree”. 

“Oh no you won’t Martha! I know you” I protested. 

Her kids finally started in on her  too,” come on mom!  Let them put it on the tree”! Martha looked at their excited Eyes and then looked at me for Mercy and I mouthed “let it go” and gave her a huge smile. 

“Fine hang them up! I don’t care!”she said sadly. Acting as if she never really minded. So her girls took it upon themselves to make it looks as bad as possible and even making it into a happy face on the front of the tree. It was pretty funny we all got a great laugh. Martha looked sick to her stomach. 

I said to her man “I want a text from you when she takes it down.  I suspect it will be ten minutes after I leave”.  

She called me two days later and left me a message on my voicemail,” hey LoLa I just wanted to let you know your god awedul popcorn strand is still on my fucking tree!” And hung up. I laughed so hard. I love her. 

Just some more fun times in LoLa land 

I Didn’t Vote…

I voted this last election in November
I voted for the lesser of two evils
Voting meant more then I can ever remember
It was Volatile our country is still in upheaval

I didn’t vote for the person I liked
Because I didn’t like either candidate
I voted for one at the others despite
Refusing to support someone who initiates hate

I didn’t vote for a leader with honorable traits
There was no such leader for which to choose
I already thought this country was great
Now I fear all that greatness we will lose

I didn’t vote for the man I thought was a racist
I don’t want to surround my country with a wall at all
He reminds me a lot of a Hitler in some facets
Will we gather up the Mexicans to stand against the wall

I didn’t vote for the person I think is a sexist demigod
Will your daughters end up with any rights
They waned to impeach Mr Clinton for getting a blow Job
Yet this guy thinks woman are meant to please a man’s sexual appetite

I didn’t vote for the kind of change I fear is coming
A step backwards in all things morally correct
I fear that this mans values are what Americas becoming
So very much worse then a political forum that’s corrupt

Listening To My Gut 

I had a date with a man today that I was actually quite excited to meet.  We met online a week ago and we have been talking or rather texting this whole time. All of it has been good stuff. I found him to be charming, insightful, honest and polite. There were some negatives (as there always are) but the positives seemed to way out weigh the negatives about him. 

I thought we had made plans to meet in my town (which is about an hour away from his, one of the negatives) at noon.  We had talked a few times about how excited we were to meet one another. And yet I texted him at eleven this morning to see if he was on his way and he had no idea what I was talking about. He said when we had made the plans he was drunk and didn’t remember them. Yet, we had spoken several times since then and not once had he suggested a different time to meet up and even confirmed  seeing me today. 

Though he was sincerely apologetic, when I got off the phone with him, even  knowing he would be there to see me (just a few hours later then expected) I was irritated. And I wondered if my irritation was just some over exaggerated-female Anxt or if I had a true reason to be irritated. I was paused from any forward movement to get ready as I laid on my bed in deep contemplation about whether I should even go out with him or not. Why would I want to meet someone after they’ve pissed me  off? Won’t that only be setting them up for failure? I mean I would be walking into the date with a chip on my shoulder. Then he called…

“Hey, do you think we could reschedule to another day. It’s such a long drive and I have a lot of stuff to do still? Would that be ok?” He asked. 

Now anyone who knows me, knows I hate to be cancelled on; I think it is so disrespectful. So, I said, ” that’s fine.  I was actually thinking about calling you and cancelling myself. But, I don’t think we should reschedule”. 

“What? Why?” He asked. 

“I just don’t feel like meeting me is your priority. And being that this is the first date and your cancelling that doesn’t bow well for us” I replied. 

“But this is the first time we could see each other” he protested. 

“Yes I know!” I was polite yet firm, but I went on, “it strikes me as odd that you were cool with seeing me today and yet you apparently (since he couldn’t remember out plans) couldn’t even be bothered to set up a time to meet me. Not to mention knowing you would see me today why did you not do what I did and, make sure all of your stuff that you have to do was done before today?”  

There was a silence on his end, so I went on, “It just seems to me that if you were really interested in seeing me you would make an effort of some sort and you haven’t at all.  I’m looking for a man who wants to make an effort to see me or feels like it’s no effort at all. It’s just what he wants.” 

After another silence he said, ” wow. Ok then. I’m sorry. Goodbye”. 

I said goodbye aswell and we both calmly hung up. What stuck me enough to write about all of this is how proud I am for listening to my feelings. Knowing what didn’t few right to me inside and sticking to my guns enough to make myself feel better. If I had pretend to have been ok with a new date and rescheduled, I would have been so mad and it and at myself for letting him treat me like that. It would probably have Ben cancelled too. I just feel that if a man is into you he will make an effort.  It’s just time for a better class of men in my life and I’m not taking seconds or being anyone’s after thought anymore.  

Just another growth day in LoLa-Land 

Thankful Project 

This Thanksgiving I am once again thankful for my friends and family.  I fully acknowledge how valuable they are to my life and without them I would be so depressed and lost. Once again this year I am thankful my best friend Crystal. She was knocking on deaths door last year at this time but she is still alive and kicking (actually she’s doing great). I jumped on a plane to see her last year because I was so scared she would die. She was so thankful that I went to such lengths to see her and I still feel as I did then, that I would do if all again in a heartbeat; if she needed me. No thanks needed because I love her. B 

This year there is no need for me to worry about a loved one, thank goddess. But, I feel this need to do something nice for someone else.  Something that they don’t or would never expect.  Someone I may not even know. For example, Last night I was pulling a grocery cart from the long stream of carts and when I turned with my cart to walk into the store; I noticed the elderly woman waiting for me to move. She looked so weak and she was so small. I had to give the cart quite a pull to release it from the rest of them.  It occurred to me that act might be a tough job for her.  So, I gave her my cart. She was shocked and thanked me A few times. It cost me nothing but a few seconds and a little bit more energy.  It was just a simple act for me and yet for her it could have meant a night free from a sore shoulder or back. 

This all got me thinking that I wanted to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to you all.  I hope everyone finds at least one if not all of the following to happen to them today.  I hope you all get to spend some quality time with people you love.  I hope you all get to experience some kind of delightful meal whatever that meal is for you. I hope you all able to acknowledge something you’re thankful for in your life. Mostly, I hope you all come up with a plan to do something for someone you don’t know that they can be thankful for.  

I’m throwing down the gauntlet right now. I’m asking each of you, if you are willing to participate?  Wether it be for a day or for one month (or longer), I want you all to try and do one nice act for someone you either know of don’t know that will make them feel thankful for you.  These don’t have to be monetary things or even a physical act of any kind, it can be verbal. Just saying something to someone that will bring them a little more joy to their day is all I ask of you. Go big or go small, it doesn’t matter, just do something.

Then spread the word. Tell people you are doing the “Thankful Project” and that all you have to do is one unexpected kind thing a day for someone else and that you then you have to tell someone. That way you are owning and taking pride in your thankful act. Because no matter how small it may be you should feel good for just even trying to bring more joy to someone else. Tell me if you want to, I would love to hear your stories. It will just bring me more joy to know others are happier. 

If the people you tell about the “thankful Project” want to join tell them they can at anytime for as long as they want. It can be one day or forever.  We do not discriminate and accept all who want to do it.  I know this is not a new concept but What I am asking you all is to make it an active thought each day until it is accomplished. I am vowing to start for one month. From now until Christmas i want to do one nice thing a day for someone else. My hope is I will want to just keep it going even after the month is up.  My hope is it will spread like wild fire and start to consume us all in joy and thanks. Right now I think we can all use some. 

Ok who’s in?

Halted

I’m feeling very halted lately.  It seems all of the wind in my sail has disappeared.  The change I was planning to make in my professional life didn’t pan out. The man I was excited about meeting from my online dating site…. Didn’t pan out either. Then this weekend I clumsily missed two steps into a room and hurt my back not falling on my face. (Saved my face, wrenched my back). Since then I have been working half days and taking mass amounts of ibruprohen just to make it through what little sitting I can handle. 

I am literally halted in love, in business and in my body. I’m wondering if the universe is trying to tell me something here?  I haven’t even been in the mood to write, which is really weird. I guess I am just not sure what it all means but I’m just sort of sitting with it ( well, more like standing or laying). Essentially, I am processing this Experiance and wondering what it is I’m missing? Because, it definitely feels as though something is off or missing?  I just need to figure out what it is. 

Depleted 

I’m feeling very “run down” this week.  I’m ok physically and mentally. But emotionally and spiritually I’ve seen better days.  I have found myself wanting to spend more time home alone then with loved ones because they are taking so much out of me.  

I’ve always had this great ability to be people’s sounding wall. People can vent or cry, bitch and moan to me about anything and I don’t judge, I just listen. These problems that people share with me never get me down or upset me. Some people have found this trait of mine to be a skill.  For me it’s just…. Me.  Anyway, normally hearing my friends and family complain is not an issue; but, lately I’ve just been kind of depleted by it all. 

I don’t know if this is because I myself feel like a few too many things are up in the air in my own life and I need my own guidance? Or if there are just to many loved ones calling on me and not reciprocating?  All I know is I’m feeling drained and I have started avoiding phone calls and have turned down dates and plans with my peeps.  Because quite honestly I don’t want to have to help anyone else right now. 

It’s making me a bit sad because I love to be around people. I’m an extravert for Christ sakes but lately being around people has started to exhaust me.  It really screws with my FOMO (fear of missing out) because I have been saying “no” to more things then I say yes to.

Can a person take a mental vacation while still maintaining a job and regular life? 

Just a low day in LoLa-Land 

Up Up and Away

I had yet another sweet invite this weekend. I actually had two, but I only did one of them. Friday night one of my girlfriends hosted a birthday party for me and two other girls. It was a sleepover girls night, with hot tub option. Saturday night, one of my college friends invited me to another girls night at her parents cabin at the top of a mountain in Sonoma County.  I had already rsvp’d to the Saturday event so instead of spreading myself too thin, I only went over for dinner and drinks Friday night and when all the girls were about to jump in the hot tub,  I left.  

On Saturday, the drive to the cabin was a bit hairy i’m not going to lie. It was often times straight up or very steep and windy road.  It had also rained off and on all that day; so, the very dry rock walls on one side,  were giving way and there was a lot of rocks on the wet road.  To make things even worse the fog was coming in faster then I could drive and at certain times, I was surrounded by whiteness.  It was both breathtaking and horrifying at the same time. 

I was thankful to finally reach the cabin. It is the last property located at the very top of a mountain. It’s a hodgepodge of different doors and windows, as each decade the family has made additions to the exsisitung one bedroom cabin. Now it houses two bedrooms, a large kitchen, living room with dining area, a loft and a 180degree wrap around porch. It’s totally funky and exactly what I would expect from her family. 

She said every time someone in the family remodels or gets rid of anything they bring the old stuff to the cabin. So the windows and front door are all from their grandmas house and their furniture is all castoffs from the extended family.  

I felt so blessed to be able to have the peace and quiet of the cabins blissful surroundings (even if I got more grey hairs driving there).  The fog lowered enough so that we were able to sit under the covered porch and watch the sunset. 


We barbequed everything we brought. We barbequed the steaks and squash, to go with the pasta and salad for dinner. Then we barbequed dates wrapped with chease and bacon (holly hell can I get a witness,  that shit is good). Then we actually grilled on foil, organic Oreos and granola with chocolate on top. It was one of the yummiest meals I had in awhile. I had a blast, we all laughed and giggled all night. I slept like a log and when I woke up, I saw this. 


It was heaven. I do so have the most amazing friends! 

Just another fabulous weekend in LoLa-Land

An 8 There 3 Here 

There’s something that’s been very depressing for me during my yearly birthday trip this year.   In my drive to get the best of the best of the best, I’ve managed to make myself acutely aware of the fact that I’m not at my best.   Being at this amazing hotel, surrounded by such stores as Dior and Graff, I have also surrounded myself with the very rich people who can afford such stores.  But, this post is not  about feeing depressed about my economic status.  I’ve been all to aware of my financial ceiling for awhile now and I’ve grown accustomed to it.  No, what’s been depressing me is not the fact that, I can’t buy myself a $4000.00 dress but rather The fact that, all the people I’m   surrounded by here are beautiful!!!

They all have amazing bodies and beautiful clothes. Even when They are hardly wearing anything, instead of looking trashy they look stunning. I’m not a lesbian and yet I found myself admiring many of the woman I have seen here.  I don’t know if I want to fuck them or be them?  I’m not sure if having money makes you beautiful or if being beautiful helps you make more money? But, I know money definitely helps you stay beautiful. 

I can’t afford a personal trainer.  A weekly spray tan or manicures. I can’t afford to have a chef make all my well balanced meals to keep me in good shape.  I can’t afford the plastic surgery or Botox that some people have done.  All of these things keep you beautiful. Then you add in really well made clothing and the availability to chose from an ample selection, and you have all the people I am surrounded by.  In this hotel I’m a 3, maybe?  

My girlfriend and I walked down the strip to a nearby hotel because it has a crazy ride we wanted to go on. As soon as we walked you could tell it was probably a cheaper hotel then the one we were staying in because the decor looked dated and wasn’t nearly as impressive. The stores are more like “$10.00 everything”. But, what struck me as interesting more than the old decor, is the fact that the patrons were not so pretty.  There were fat people, ugly people, half naked people that looked like whores and a lot of bad hair and style choices.   

As I looked around I saw unattractive men checking me out and I realized, “hell in this place, I’m a 8!”  In this place there was far less perfection and far more every day normal.  I actually said to my girlfriend, “hell girl of we had stayed here I probably could have gotten laid”!  Whereas, where we stayed, the beautiful men didn’t bother even looking my direction because there was so very much more impressive Eye candy for them to focus on.  The very last thing I wanted to do was to take my cratered size 14 ass and put it in a bathing suit next to all of these size 0, 1’s and 2’s running around in thongs.  The idea of it actually horrified me. 

What’s a girl to do in this situation? Should I only stay in the crappier hotels because I will then feel better about myself? Continue to stay in nicer hotels because…. Hello; they’re nicer? Or do I suck it up and finally realize at the ripe old age of 43, that I am who I am and I have nothing to feel embarrassed by?  I guess we will just have to see what road I decide to take.

Just another awareness day in LoLa-Land

The Inconsiderate teenager 

I was kind of appalled at my nieces behavior yesterday after her party. Granted she was all hyped up on popularity and sugar but a small amount of appreciation is always needed in these moments.  There were several times last night I would leave the peace of my master suite and make sure the madness of teenager girls wasn’t to maddening. I would usually refill my water cup and cleanup what ever needed to be cleaned up and then go back to my shelter. 

When all the ladies left this morning, I cleaned up the living room and kitchen, took out all the full garbage cans and filled up the dishwasher.  Later I asked my Neice who had the party. “When the dishwasher is  done can you empty it”?  Now officially this is not her chore it’s her sisters but it had been emptied by her sister the day before and was filled up by the party cups. It seemed fare to me to have her put the clean glasses away since she barely did anything else for her own party.  

Instead of doing it she gave me lip!  “That’s not my job”. She said to me in protest. 

“True but your friends filled it up so you can empty it”. I replied. 

“That’s not fare!! Are you going to make her take out the trash”? (The trash is this ones chore).  She asked, as if she had just discovered the best offense to my request. 

“Actually I emptied the trash for you several times” I said not even looking at her. 

“Well I don’t…” She started again with her argument and I interrupted her. 

“You haven’t Even said thank you yet” I noted. 

“For what”? She asked. 

I almost left my sisters house right then and there. Really?! I didn’t get to sleep until 3:30 in the morning because of her and her loud friends. I didn’t have to say yes to chaperoning this event! I didn’t have to get pizza, munchies or doughnuts in the morning and she’s asking me for what?  The biggest thing though that makes me more hurt than anything else is the way she treated me the entire time.

“All you did was host” she said to me and then walked away. 

I don’t know. I feel like my sister is a good mom. I don’t feel like she spoils her kids too much. I don’t know why this one has such a feeling of entitlement like she is some how more deserving then the rest of us  and can treat everyone like shit?  Where does that come from?  

Just Another Jaw Dropping day in LoLa-Land 

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan