A Big Girl

I was at a party the other night and a man who I’ve known for years and who has never been someone I would likely date came on to me. Since, I’ve never picked up any vibes from him that he’s interested in me, I’ve always assumed he felt the same as I did so I was surprised. At this particular party I looked unusually “hot” and I felt his energy shift towards me at some point. However, let me fill you in on some back story.  This poor guy had a rough night. The woman he loves was there on another date and yet she came with him and not the date. I could feel and see his anger and sadness.  I think his finally noticing me was more out of desperation and lonliness then because he really liked me. 

“You know I’ve never been with a big woman before” he said to me as he stood extreamly close to me. His lips a few inches from mine. 

“Are you serious” I asked him?  “Did you just try to flirt with me by implying that I’m a big woman”?

“Well..” He shrugged and looked me up and down.  “You are bigger than me”? Was his response. 

I laughed, “yes! Yes I am” I said to the 5’8 150 lb, 50 something year old man. “I could probably kick your ass. But man, you could have handled that pick up better.  I’m not big. I’m a woman of substance.”

“You are sexy as hell” he said to me. 

“That’s better”, was all I was thinking but I was still not interested and even more so now, because I knew he just needed companionship; He didn’t care from where and I’m not that girl. I still had to get him back for his bad come on.  

“You think I’m sexy” I asked him getting even closer. 

“Oh god yes” he responded

“Then you should see me naked.  My body is sexy as hell when I’m naked.” I teased. 

He let out a moan then puckered his lips and closed his eyes. I was laughing in my head at him.  How drunk and silly he was being. I felt sorry for him. So I leaned in the inch or so and gave him a peck on his lips and then I walked away. 

I hope the next day was better for him. I hope he and his love work their stuff out. For his hearts sake, I hope they figure it out soon. 

Just another big day in LoLa-Land


Fat That’s Phat

This morning was a typical morning for me, in that I woke up and started working out. Lately I’ve been watching a show called “My 600lb life” during my workouts. I find the show almost inspiring to Keep moving my ass and not let myself ever get morbidly obese again.  I feel so bad for the people being interviewed and I know how easy it is to turn to food when we are going through hard times. You see the over weight people in their normal day. They are usually eating way to much and barely able to move. You want to take all the food from them and yell at whom ever the  enabler is that’s feeding them to “knock it off! It’s a hard show to watch.  

You see them lose weight and start to live again. You see their faces light up when they start to be able to do normal tasks most humans find basic, like using the bathroom.  I remember after losing my weight, feeing like, I can say “yes” to going to the beach because I can make it up and down the hillside or not being afraid to go to an amusement park because I may not fit on the ride again.  

One woman talked about being the largest person in a store and how embarrassing that was for her. How people would stare at her. I remember thinking those exact same things. I remember being at Bunko and thinking, ” I am the fattest woman here”. Or feeling like everyone was judging what I ate or what I was buying from the grocery store, because of my weight.  

Today when I turned the tv on there was a new channel (new to me), called “vice”.  They were playing a show about “feeder and feedies”. These are people who get off sexually from either being fed or feeding someone. This particular show was about one couple and she was the feedie. She was beautiful and big. Just reaching 300lbs and proud of it.  Her boyfriend (who was quite good looking) was a normal size man; gets off on feeding her food. He would rub her large belly as she ate and it turned him on. She was excited by her belly. She loved to rub it too.  She had a New Years resolution to get to 400lbs by the end of the year and eat a King Kong pizza in one sitting.  

I was floored as I watched her rub her own belly, expressing how proud she was of it.  I was happy for her that she loved her size and was happily eating her way to the larger size she longs for but I wondered to myself, “when will it stop? When will she be happy with her larger size?  Will she be able to stop eating as much? Or will her stomach be so big that she has to keep eating and eating (like the people in the “600lb” show do, just to feel full)?  When is enough, enough?” 

My mind was spinning from the two  extremes. I would rather us all be happy with ourselves and our lives and so I found the woman who was a feedie quite refreshing and a bit amazing because she is so the opposite of most woman I know who are constantly trying to lose weight.Wouldn’t  it be nice to eat whatever we want to and love our size no matter how big?  But, I know from personal experience what it’s like to carry around 350+ pounds everywhere you go, it’s draining.  I can’t imagine what 500 or 600 feels like? And as much fun as this woman is having right now, I have to wonder that at some point she’s going to start to feel the drain of Her weight on her bones and wish she maybe hadn’t been so motivated to gain weight.  When will she think she’s maybe too fat and not just phat? 

Just another phat day in LoLa-Land

“Fat” Whore

I’ve been trying so hard for over a month now to be careful about what I eat and how much I eat. To excersize every single day no matter what and to take a protein shake to make sure I get all my Nutrients.  I had done really well for the first 4.5 weeks and was seeing a steady stresm of weight loss. I was also staring to get some muscle definition in areas I didn’t even know had muscles. 

But, then I went and stubbed my toe last week (which I talk about  in my blog post Typical). Well I woke up the next day to lift weights and I could barely walk.  So, I didn’t work out.  But I still had pizza that night. Then Saturday I still didn’t work out.  I then went on a lunch date where I had a hamburger and fries. Then that night a girlfried and I went out to the coast and had fish and chips. Sunday I was still being a lazyAss and didn’t work out AGAIN! But treated myself to even more “Fat” gluttony and had a burrito. 

I was thinking about it as I was consuming all of these highly fattening meals. I was feeing like a crack whore looking for some crack no matter what!  But, instead I was being a “Fat” whore. I wanted to get ice cream Sunday night but my Date wouldn’t let me.  And thank god he didn’t because I would have been so sick. It was like my body was going through “Fat” withdrawals and needed me to just go get all the fat I could and bring it into my system. 

I wonder why I am such a “Fat” whore? Why did I have to eat ALL of those fattening foods. Why didn’t I just stick to one piece of pizza instead of four? Or get broiled fish instead of breaded and fried?  Why bother being so good to my body and then be so horrible? And for heavens sake I wasn’t even on vacation! Sad thing is I didn’t even think the burrito or fish and chips were that good. why did I eat it all up then? 

The good news is that on Monday I got off my lazy ass and started working out again.  And I’ve been avoiding the “fats” at all cost. (Including the doughnuts chocolate flourless cake and candy we have at work curently). I just need to figure out how I can have both. A sweet butt and a sweet tooth.  I need to learn, “everything in moderation”? But How do I learn a new habit which doesn’t include over eating?  OY!

Just another self-abuse Day in LoLa-Land

Diet To The Death

I think the work out routine that was given to me to do today was actually meant to kill me!  I’m not kidding! I think these work out people who make videos and start these diet plans actually want someone to drop dead so they can get the publicity.  They say they’re just trying to help you focus on healthy eating and getting you back in shape. I say, “it’s all BULLSHIT”!  Again, I think it’s all a ploy.

Now, I want to make sure your prepared for what I suspect is going on. Their underhandedness will soon be exposed. I think (because I have no proof and really I am full of shit! But, it’s how I feel, so work with me), that these so called “diet plans” introduce four key ingrediants into your life to just to destroy you. All desecration to oneself will be done by you and it will be done right before your eyes just cloaked under the disguise of “support”.

step 1 -” lets see how long it would take to starve the fatties”. This is their first action. They wil proceed to give you little colored boxes that you couldn’t hold your keys in, and say, “eat only the food that fits in these”!  Or they give you premade food in really, really small serving sizes. “But don’t worry!” They say, “if you feel hungry you can always have more veggies!” (Awww fuck off with your veggies. What little colored box does my wine go in?)

Step 2- “if we poison them, it will help kill them faster” They will tell you that you need to buy their premade foods where they have done all the work for you. Or they demand that you have to have their speciallty blended shakes to make sure you get all your nutrients for you.  (That’s what they say! ). What they aren’t saying is “we watched sixth sense a lot and we have put chemicals in your soup!”  I bet if you stopped eating their tainted products for one day and ate what you wanted, you would feel so much better. (Because your old food choices are tasty and chalked full of yummy fats and preservatives.)

Step 3- “We will set them up with a drill sergeant”.  They will be nice and call them coaches or trainers but what they really are, are highly trained professionals that know how to get the results they need from you by using Jedi mind tricks on you.  They’re evil wrapped in a perfect physics of ripped muscles and high fiber. Made  to look beautiful so that they can allure you in with hopes of some how achieving the same mastery in your appearance. Which will likely never happen because they are using the “dark side” (and plastic surgery), but you will kill yourselves trying!

Step 4- “Let’s  take all of their Money and run”.  I think the diet industries ploy is to kill you off so that they can take all your money? How long would it take after you have died for these diet plans to stop charging your credit card or directly pulling your monthly dues straight from your bank account? It’s because they really don’t want you to survive. It’s a lot harder to cancel your membership when you are dead! I’m sure they require a cancellation letter, in triplicate, signed by your second grade teacher to get out of the contract and by then not only will you be dead but broke and dead.

It’s just a friendly note to remind you all to stay safe! Don’t fall for the diet regime your better off just being fat!


Letting It Go

I have to say goodbye my sweet
You’re no longer good for me it seems
I have to walk away and admit defeat
I can no longer fit in my jeans

I’ve loved you my entire existence
Having you when ever I could
With you I have no resistance
I don’t want to leave you but I know I should

It doesn’t matter if you are sour
I love you even more when your sweet
I love to have you at any hour
I will take you cold or hot off the sheet

You’re like heaven to me sometimes
When I am down I always turn to you
I find you just simply sublime
The smell of you turns my gray day blue

It’s been a hard decision to live without you
If I see you with someone else I’ll wish I was dead
I really don’t know what I am going to do
I don’t know I how I’ll live without my bread

Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan