Medication

Place this thin vail over my eyes
Cloak my body in an imaginary Shell
I’m no longer screaming inside
No longer living my own personal hell

I have no dissatisfaction boiling up inside me
No more urges to get in the car and go
Red is not the only color that I can see
Anxst is not the only emotion I seem to know

The buffer between me and the world is wide
Non of my nerves seem bothered at all
I feel very calm and peaceful inside
Times has suddenly slowed to a crawl

I notice all the little birds chirping away
They make me wish I could speak bird
A butterfly tried to get me outside to play
I wished the flap of its wings could be heard

Should I be frightened that this is not me
Should I accept this as the new me I’ve become
Before the medication I felt so empty
Always wanting to just take off and run

Now I’m completely happy all of the time
Content with anything I’m may be doing
You ask me how I am, I say “I’m just fine”
I no longer feel pressures looming

Everything just rolls away from me
Instead of rolling over my head
I’m thankful to be able to be happy
I no longer think I’d be better off dead

Ripping At The Seams

Where am I in all of this
It’s the changing of the guards
Being normal is what I miss
Why does it have to be so damn hard

I have no control it seems
None in my life or within myself
I am ripping at my own seams
Someone please give me some help

I try so hard to stay centered
Present for all the day has to bring
It’s a state not easily entered
Even harder to maintain within my being

I could cry at the drop of a hat
I can get angry just as quick
I have no buffer to deal with any crap
If I had alcohol I’d take a sip

I try not to let all of my emotions out
I try even harder not to quit my job and move
I usually don’t know what my own dramas about
All I know is that I’m simply not in the mood

My body is just the puppet for the hormones
My emotions a toy thing for which to play
As I look forward to a low sex drive and brittle bones
I will try to stay positive as I basically decay

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers 

I’m in my 40’s as are most of my friends and I am realizing that while I was once  “pre-pre-menopause” ( this was my Doctors actual diagnosis. Not sure how many “Pre’s”, menopause can have? But, that’s what I was).  Now, I believe I am just pre-menopause or maybe even full Menopause! (I type this and I hear the resonating, of that ominous drumming  “Doom,Doom, DOOOOMMMM!!” play in my head.  (Yes, in my head the drums say Doom not boom). 

I have been surrounded by other woman who are being savaged by hormones day and night.  I listen to their accounts of how they feel during any given hour of the day to waking up multiple times at night. I’ve even blogged about conversations I’ve had with friends. Here’s an example in “Is It Hot in Nordstroms “. I have felt so sorry for them and what they are dealing with and yet so scared for my own impending future.  I felt like I was in one of those Sci-fi movies were everyone slowly starts to get invaded by aliens. I see what’s happening and as much as I myself do not want to be invaded I know it’s only a matter of time. (What movie is that? “Invasion of the body snatchers”)?
Slowly I’ve had to come to admit my own defeat. Truly acknowledge that the wait is over and I know longer need to fear the dreaded hormones for I am in fact, already “infected”!!  As I write this at 3AM on a Monday morning. It’s not that I’m a night owl who hasn’t gone to bed yet. No.  I went to bed at 11:30 and woke up in the middle of the night soaking wet, again! It’s so gross waking up in a pool of your own sweat and not even have it be a hot night.  Have you ever had to deal with the “wet spot”? It’s a pain in the ass because it’s usually in the center of the bed and no one want to lay on it because it’s usually clammy and cold against yours skin; yet, usually you want some cuddling and that involves someone being on the wet spot. Well, when you wake up “hormonal” and laying in your own sweat it’s hard to escape the wetspot. Because the wetspot is the same size as your body!  I’m not sure what I would do if I slept with someone each night?  As it is now I can just roll over to the other side of my mattress. 

Then there is the menstral issues. All of my friends and portably even me soon are going on birth control Pills or getting IUD’S put in just to help regulate their periods. I mean it’s like junior high all over again. I never know when I will start or stop. I may be really, really heavy or hardly have a period at all. Sometimes they last 4 days. Sometimes I am just not right for 10 days. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it. Taking “the pill” keeps you on a regular schedule, which would be nice (even though I can’t have kids so it seems idiotic). As It is now, there is no sense in even trying to schedule certain events around my period.  I have found that if I get anywhere near another woman who is having her period; or, is having a hormone Syrge herself, I will end up starting my period again because of her. It gets to the point where you want to stay isolated or only hang with men. You start wanting to poll your friend before you hang out. 

“Hi honey.  I’m so excited to see you later but I was wondering before we do,  are you  experiencing any mood swings currently? Are you curently on your period? Near your period in anyway? Are your pre menstral?” 

Then if any of those answers are yes, i what to continue with,  “oh I’m sorry to hear that honey (cough cough) you know I am just not feeling 100% and I don’t want to get you sick. Can we reschedule for like… 7 days from now?”

I haven’t even mentioned the fact that I consider just walking out of my job (hello! My livlihood- bill payer) on a semi weekly bases for really no good reason at all. It’s like I don’t have any sense at all sometimes. I get to a stage where I am irritated as hell and done; and, I’M NOTHAVING ANY OF IT! 

 So, yes, I do believe it’s official, I’ve been snatched!  There is just no way around it.  My body is no longer my own. I have been invaded by the dreaded “HORMONE”. There is no cure for me. No escaping the hysteria and heat flashes. No avoiding the lack of sleep and trough of sweat. The madness and crying spells.   I must now adjust to this new way of being, where my being is not my own. 

Just another hormone infested day (night) in LoLa-Land 

Is It Hot In Nordstroms?

One of my friends Is going through “the change” and since she is one of my best friends she is being nothing but completely candid with me about her symptoms or what she thinks about her symptoms. She even tells me what she thinks about menopause, anyone who doubts the changes that it takes on a woman or anyone who just looks at her wrong. I’m telling you… It ain’t all that pretty.

I am four years younger then her and though I’ve been in “early menopause” for about a year now I am not struggling with even a quarter as much as she is with regards to menopausal challenges. I feel so sorry for her and So scared for myself at the same time. Is this my future that I get to look forward to?  Waking up three to four times a night completely drenched in sweat?  Having to change my clothes and sheets and still sleep on the other side of the bed because the mattress is wet too? Shall we need to bring on the rubber sheets again?  I remember how loud those were to lay on as a child; I can’t imagine what they must sound like to an aging adult? 

My friend said to me one day as she was ready to blow her head off for no real good reason, “menopause is like being pregnant, having your period and PMS all at the same time”!   

I just looked at her horrified at the thought  I’m thinking to myself (well someone just kill me now!) she goes on, “you bleed two weeks out of the month.  So you’re going through PMS every two weeks. You get like one good week. Then you have the night sweats and achy body like your pregnant and irritability like noones business and bloating. Trust me LoLa it sucks!  One day I got a hot flash and I felt like my eyes were burning from the Inside and they were going to pop right out of my head!  I’m worried about summer. If it’s hot and I have a hot flash I may just blow up from the inside out”. 

She was all fired up so she just kept going some more. 

” I mean I was hot in Nordstroms! Nordstroms! Is it hot in Nordstroms?” She asks us. 

I was just cracking up.  I felt so bad for her but she was killing me with her rant. I loved listening to her because it made her feel good to let it out and talk about it and the venting was even making her laugh. So again She says, “Do you think  Nordstoms is hot”? 

“No! No it’s usually cold in there to me” I respond.  She’s right it is cold in Nordstroms but she was so hot she had to leave for fear she may burst into flames. 

I don’t know what to do to help her besides just being there for her and always listening to her. I hope that when my turn comes she will be as she is now to me, like my big sister at times, and help guide me threw this rocky hormone induced Body Snatcher we call Menopause. 

It’s just another hormone infested day in LoLa-Land

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan