Ripping At The Seams

Where am I in all of this
It’s the changing of the guards
Being normal is what I miss
Why does it have to be so damn hard

I have no control it seems
None in my life or within myself
I am ripping at my own seams
Someone please give me some help

I try so hard to stay centered
Present for all the day has to bring
It’s a state not easily entered
Even harder to maintain within my being

I could cry at the drop of a hat
I can get angry just as quick
I have no buffer to deal with any crap
If I had alcohol I’d take a sip

I try not to let all of my emotions out
I try even harder not to quit my job and move
I usually don’t know what my own dramas about
All I know is that I’m simply not in the mood

My body is just the puppet for the hormones
My emotions a toy thing for which to play
As I look forward to a low sex drive and brittle bones
I will try to stay positive as I basically decay


Eastern or Western

The doctors want to cut into me again, and again I’m faced with the decision of going with Western medicine or Eastern medicine. The fact that the doctors want to slice me open is just not an idea I am super fond of.  So what’s a girl to do especially when I’ve experienced the attributes of Eastern medicine’s abilities and know that they’re effective?

With each new problem that my body faces in my middle age I wonder if my favorite treatment of acupuncture, meditation and positive thought will get me through it?  What if I had cancer? Which road would I take then? For me in that case I would probably do both forms. Attack whatever’s attacking me, try to kill it before it kills me. But, this is not the same case.

In my current situation I am willing to give the eastern medicine a shot before I do what the western wants to do.  Yes! I would rather be poked with needles 100’s of times, on multiple days, then to be sliced open once just to have something removed.  In my Western Medicines doctors own words, ” the next step is to go in a cut them out but because of their sensitive locations you will be vulnerable to more infection” (No thank you!). My acupuncturist said, “since the problems been going on for awhile you may need to come in for a follow up visit” and then left me with about 50 needles in my legs to sleep (and boy did I). 

Which one sounds better to you? Are you willing to go outside of your box to try a different remedy? Which box is yours? Are you more comfortable with the western box or the Eastern box?  Is being sliced open with a knife or radiated, far less scary to you then a bunch of little needles sticking out of you at one time?

Unknowing Valentine

Something really sweet happened to me today. I took my two block walk at work this afternoon and even though it was gloriously sunny with blue skies; I was having a hard time enjoying it. You see, I just got the text from tonight’s first date, a 29 year old (just barely squeezing in past the age limit) that I met online, saying he could not make our date. So, I wasn’t really happy; but, I was still trying to enjoy my time out of the office.

I was on the last stretch of my stroll, When I passed a man about to get into his truck and he said to me “beautiful day today.”
I replied, “yes it is!”
I then walked the remaining block to work. Suddenly, the same truck pulls up next to me and the guy jumps out. I was thinking, “how funny he stopped in front of my work too and I just talked to him”. So, I said to him “Wow, you didn’t get very far” and then i giggled a little. As I said this he was walking right up to me. He’s stops right in front of me so I stop walking and he said, “I just wanted to tell you that you are as beautiful as this day is.”
“Wow! thank you!” I replied. With a big smile on my face. He was a cute guy too. He was about my height. With thick dark hair, he looked Italian. He was a little on the muscular side but with a really cute face.
He then said, “You look so great in that dress. Are you single?”
I said “thank you! yes, I am single”.
“My name is May” he told me, and then he extended his hand to me and I gave him mine.
“How old are you?” He asked me. Which didn’t offend me at all.
“I’m 41 how old are you?” I asked.
“Your not 41!?” He kind of asked and exclaimed at the same time.
I’m still laughing and smiling. “Yes I am!” I say.
He looked at me closely and asks me “how old do you think I am”?
I looked at his sweet eyes and I said, “28?”
He smiled, took a step back and said, “I will be 28 next month!”
“yeah, that’s a rule breaker number” I said, ( inside, I was a little bummed about my rule. My stupid, stupid rules!!) “Sorry”. I didn’t know what else to say. He gave me a sad look and as I walked away he yelled to me “please stay single”.

He was so cute a so sweet. He made me feel better about being cancelled on and it was a really wonderful thing to hear. I gotta say I’ve been glowing ever since. That will probably be the closet thing I get to a valentine this year.
Now you should go out and give someone you don’t know a compliment because damn it feels good.

Happy Valentines Day Everyone

Friday Night Lights In Your 40’s

I’m single and 40(something), when I say, ” Friday night lights” I don’t really mean the same thing as when I was in my 20’s and 30’s. Back then it was short skirts and dance clubs until 2 am. Now it’s …..




I met up with well over 30 people and we all bowled two games together. We took up four lanes at the alley. We needed 5 but the alley manager really wanted the lane for the other patrons.



It took us 2.5 hours to finish bowling. But, we all had a blast. I actually got three strikes and three spares. The first game I rolled a 106, the second game was an absolute slaughter at 47. When we are all done half of us kept going and some how I ended up doing karaoke with a bunch of crazy ladies.



It’s karaoke time!

At one point a few of us had to go “kama-Kozzie” and got up together in front of everyone to sing what ever the DJ chose. And he chose “holiday” by Madonna . I didn’t realize how long and repetitive that song is but the crowd must have liked it because at one point they formed a Congo line.



It’s dance time!

At one point even the bartender came out and danced with all the ladies when we were singing again. Let’s just say it was a fantastic night. I laughed so many times it was great.

Just another fun filled Friday night in single LoLa-land

Sleepy Me

This Is my stress time. This is when every single one of my clients brings in what’s left of their years books for me to do. And sometimes that is their entire years worth of books and sometimes it’s only a week or two. But I never really know exactly how much work I have until I really start getting into it. And until I start really getting into it, I am a stress case about all of the unknown variables that I am unaware of; so,because of this, I have not been sleeping well. I have been very restless and I wake up scared. Deep down I know everything is okay. All I need to do is get all my ducks in a row.

Last night I had a date. He was going to come over at 8:00pm and we were going to hang out, talk, drink wine, and yadda, yadda, yadda.
Now, last night was probably the fifth straight night of restless sleep for me, caused by worrying about my work load. And then the fourth straight morning in a row of waking up at 4:00 am: so, as you can imagine I was really tired. By the time he showed up at 8:15.

We sat on the couch and talked for awhile, It was mellow. At some point we decided to watch a movie. Even though, we both were more interested in talking to each other then watching the show. Around 9:30 I was telling him a story and I literally fell asleep in the middle of what I was saying. He said I was talking and then I started making some weird words and then mumbled and then just stopped talking, my head dropped and I was out. Then about 30 seconds later, I woke up talking, My words went from a mumbled mess to clear and precise, and I then finished my story.

All I know is that I was really tired and kept yawning. I was having a hard time seeing him because my eyes were so tired, they were watering. I was trying so hard to just stay awake, be polite, stay awake! He knew I was stressed out and tired. He was sweet enough to just let me sleep and continued to watch the movie.

I pretty much talked in my sleep, throughout the entire movie. He said that I was having a complete clear and honest conversation with someone by the name of Peter. It did not surprise me that I was talking in my sleep, I’ve done it before. But, usually people can’t make out what I’m saying. Weirdly I don’t know any Peters, what so ever. (I hope he doesn’t think I’m dating a Peter )

After the movie and my conversation with Peter my date woke me up and told me to
Go to bed. He didn’t seem upset with me but I have to imagine he wasn’t thrilled either. I am sure he felt like he came over for no reason. I was worried he wouldn’t want to see me again, but apparently he does. (Maybe he just wants to hear what happens with Peter).

I don’t know. But it’s another sleepy night in LoLa-Land

The Man Buffet

I have been doing the online dating thing now for about a month and a half and it is still a swirl of constantly changing men. I’m starting to realize that for woman, of any type of moderate-good looks, that there is a full buffet of men to choose from. It’s almost overwhelming.

I thought things would slow way down after a week or two. That I would no longer be the ” new girl in school”, so to speak. That people who already checked me out would stop checking me out and the visitors and matches would dwindle, but it hasn’t. I swear I need to keep notes because, I can’t keep up with what conversation I’m having with whom?

It’s crazy the types of men that contact me or like me, because there is no type! The age span has been from 22 to 60 even though my profile states a smaller span. By the way they come on to me, it’s pretty clear the young guys just want sex or are trying to fulfill some sort of “Mrs. Robinson” fantasy. As for the rest of the age groups it’s been a hodge-podge of types and wants.

I have heard from Every single type of nationality from Asian, Hispanic, African American, Thai, french, Italian, Iranian, Jewish, Hawaiian. All types of religions as you can imagine from the list you just read. Some men are tall, some short. Some men are skinny and some are fat. I am seeing a lot of facial hair (that doesn’t blow my skirt Up), and bald heads ( which I like).

It’s also crazy to me where they live. I have been contacted by men all over the world. Pretty much every state in the United States. And I’m now aware of cities in California I never knew existed and I’ve lived here my entire life. I don’t really understand the idea of getting to know someone better who may live 3 to 100 hour drive away from me?

That’s just the men. Then you have the couples. The ones that want a third or the ones that are both looking for someone else. Hell, I even have woman and transsexuals contacting me. I am not complaining at all. I feel very flattered that people seem to find me beautiful. But, its all a bit overwhelming sometimes. I’m thinking I need to start a little black book or something. It’s also been really cool getting to know so many types of people without actually having to meet them.

Just because I’m at the buffet table doesn’t mean I’m sampling everything.

Bobbing Boobies

I am trying to start 2015 off by doing more of the things I love, and also realizing and giving appreciation, to the things I love.  One of my new favorite things is hot tubing naked! Hey, I’m in my 40’s, It’s now or never right?  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done it before in my life. But, it was a long time ago in College when my parents were out-of-town. And only a few times recently, when I have gone to a hot tub place where my sister lives.  I have a new friend who has a hot-tub in his backyard and its all secluded and private.  So,  I am able to hot-tub naked when ever I want.  I can look at the stars and listen to the night noises of crickets and wind; it has become one of my favorite things to do.

I love going hot-tubing naked because my boobs float. (hee hee)  Suddenly these weights that usually hang off my chest and hurt my back, shoulders and neck, don’t weigh on me anymore. They have a life of their own, as they bob around from the bubbles. My cleavage suddenly has rhythm.  (HA, HA)  I think it is the funniest thing, and if boobs weren’t deemed improper or private I would take a video and show you what it looks like. (But, then they would classify my site as a porn site.)

Another great thing about being naked is you have the entire excitement of just being naked outside. It almost feels like you’re getting away with something wrong.  And yet at the same time, isn’t being naked in nature the way we were originally intended to be?  The hot-tub allows you to be outside naked on these winter nights when it’s dropping down to 20 degrees and it’s wonderful.  I suggest you all try it at least once, and the clearer the night the better!  And if you have bigger boobs or just full breasts, bring your phone so you can video them jumping all around.

to many more naked hot-tub nights in LoLa-Land

Did you Fuck Him?

I recently went out with a bunch of my 40 something year old friends. Three of us were single one has been happily married for 20 years. I told the ladies about another crazy “online dating” date I had recently. I told them about his extremely bad breath and complete rudeness towards the staff and other patrons at the restaurant where we were, and how I couldn’t wait to get away from him.

When I finished recanting my story one of my friends turned to me and said, “did you fuck him?”
“What?!” I asked her shocked.
“Did you fuck him?” She asked again matter of factly.
“Um did you hear what I said? The guy was a total dick! I couldn’t wait to leave! Why would you ask me that?” I asked her almost irritated.

Then another friend piped in, “LoLa don’t you fuck them still?” She asked me.

At this point I was offended, as I’m wondering to myself. “Do they think I’m a slut”?

“Of course I didn’t fuck him! Why would you think I’d do that?” I asked obviously irritated now.

Both my single friends seemed amused and giggled. Both of them have been single a lot longer than me. The married girl looked as confused as me. One of the single ladies states, ” I always fuck the ones I don’t like” she said.
As my other single friend stood next to her, nodding her head up and down.

“Why! Why the hell would you sleep with someone you don’t like?” I asked shocked but relieved I wasn’t viewed as a slut.

“Why not!” She responded. (As my other still friend stood there shaking her head In a agreement), “I mean, who cares? You will probably never see them again and you may have some fun, right?!”

“Yep!” The other single lady agrees.

I stood there with an open mouth and a shocked expression, finally I asked the other obvious question “what do you do when you do like them?”

The single lady who asked me in the first place says quickly, “oh well those you don’t fuck. Those are the ones you just kiss and flirt with. That way they ask you out again.”

Again, the other single stood next to her agreeing with everything she was hearing.
I was just shocked. All these years I’ve been doing it wrong. Or am I?

“LoLa, you don’t fuck them?” She asks me.

“NO!!” I almost screech, “Well first of all, I never have sex on the first date. That is a rule i have. And I have this rule because I don’t like to ‘fuck strangers’. If I like the guy enough to go out again, (which had only been once since going on this online dating website). Then it’s all up in the air after that and just depends on the situation. I made my wasbund wait 3 months.”
“LoLa you were like 16 when you met your ex that doesn’t count.” She replies

“I was 19, Thank you! And I know we are beyond that now, but still I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone I don’t like. I don’t understand that at all. If I don’t like someone then I by no means want them touching me, much less sharing bodily fluids with me! What the hell?” I looked at them with an expression of ‘what’s the deal?’ With my arms open as if to say, ‘somebody help me here’ and they both looked at me and shrugged.

Oh well, to each their own right? I couldn’t do it. I guess I don’t Fuck. I have sex or make love. I’ve always been the relationship girl, so; the idea of having intercourse with a man I don’t like sounds like torture to me. Especially if you follow the belief that you will forever be connected, in a spiritual way to anyone who enters your vagina. It’s an interesting philosophy, I am not sure where I stand on it. But, it should at least give you
‘food for thought’ right?

( oh and all I gotta say again is, WEAR CONDOMS!)

Just another sexual discussion in LoLa-Land

The Waiting Game

Recently I discovered a lump in my vagina, that scared the shit out of me. I have extremely sensitive skin and I get bizarre rashes, boils and ingrown hairs, like crazy because of it. I am not able to use most lotions, body washes, bubble baths, soaps or even laundry detergents, unless they are all natural or scent free and hypoallergenic. Because of these skin issues, I don’t usually panic over random bumps, but two factors caused me to worry.
One the lump was in my vagina and hurting me. Normal skin irritations don’t bug me that much. Two a fairly recent ex lover told me he now has a horrible case of genital herpes. He knew who gave it to him, but didn’t know when (great right? Not!)

I was at the doctors office almost immediately. The doctor had her concerns about what she saw, to the extent that she did a biopsy. There’s nothing great about the feeling of having a piece of your vagina sliced off. I was looking for something to grip on the exam room wall, as she was slicing into me, but all I could find was the blood pressure wrap. And I didn’t want to grab that because with the pain she was causing me I was likely to wrap it around her neck. I told her that since she had her concerns and I had my worries, that she should just do a full PAP and blood panel. “We might as well test me for everything” I said.

When leaving the hospital three hours later after seeing the doctor, getting a blood draw, getting a prescription and meeting with oncology. My vagina hurt as I walked to my car and I was faced with the fact, that in less than four days I would know if I had herpes, HIV, HPV, syphilis, gonorrhea or cancer; I was kind of a mess.

It’s been a draining couple of days! I haven’t been sleeping good at all. I haven’t been able to have any sex and I have been stuck in a place of constant panic. I was not worried when my ex lover told me he had herpes because I always made him use condoms, but hearing the Dr say it could be herpes, I was actually pissed! I hate condoms, They suck! They can totally kill the mood. I am very protective of myself because I have lost a loved one to STD side effects, but to get a disease after being so diligent, made me feel like asking for a refund. I wanted to yell, “ok Karma, I want a Do-over on all the times I used condoms. I want to replay all those sexual experiences without the annoying rubber!” And at the same time I was scared to death I had some sort of cancer eating away at my vagina and what would that be like to cure?

Today my tests came in (early) and I am completely disease free, I have no cancer and all of my platelets are in the mid range of normal, right where they should be. I am by all accounts a physically healthy ( I say physically and not mentally because the jury is still out on that one) 41 year old woman. I can feel the tightness in my chest disappearing and I am so incredibly grateful that I’m healthy. I take back all the negative things I said about condoms and I will continue to protect myself because I am now proof that they work in protecting you.

As for the lump, since the doctor loped it off, it has been gone. (LoL). I’m healing nicely and will probably be back to normal In a day or two. Crises averted and lesson learned, wear condoms people, they really do work!

Breasts of all Kinds

I had the funniest thing happen the other night, but it’s all par for the course in my life. One of my girlfriends and I were driving to a show when we started discussing boobs. She has very very small boobs but they are in proportion with her very small body.
She asked me what it was like to have boobs. I told her ” it isn’t all that great. Do you know how tired I am of carrying these thing around?”
” no ” she says as she laughs ” how tired are you?”
” my favorite thing is when my lover comes up from behind and holds them up for me. It takes all the weight off my shoulders and I instantly feel better.” I replied.
She just nodded, then we went clubbing and hours later, when my girlfriend and I got back to my house, we were just walking through the front door, when she came up to me from behind, pulled up my shirt and then unhooked my bra, and just let my boobs fall into her hands. Instantly I was like “awwwww!” And she laughed because it was exactly as I had said, a instant relief.

Then my friend who was with us walks over closer to us. Without a word being said to her about our earlier conversation and nothing had been said since we walked in the door. And without saying a word herself she pulls up her shirt and then her bra herself, and shows us the most amazing perfect boobs I have ever seen; and they were real. Her skin was like a mocha color and her nipples like a slightly darker tan, and they were small and quarter size. Her boobs themselves were perfectly full and round and still right where they should be, and she’s 40!
I can’t get them out of my mind. So of course seeing these perfect breasts, both my other friend and I, had to feel her boobs. My friend promptly let go of my books (the weight came crashing back down on my shoulders), but I hardly noticed, because I was just as awestruck by this perfect pair of breasts in front of me, as she was. We both walked over and got a good feel of her Tata’s.

It was all very odd and funny as hell. I’ve never had a girlfriend cup my breasts before and I can’t say I’ve felt up to many woman. But, I’ll tell you what, I can not get my friends boobs out of my head. Since then I have felt like I have a very inferior chest.
Oh well Just another Crazy night In LoLa-land

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan