Country Song

My man left me for a coffee and never came back
He said all he needed was some caffeine
He left about a year ago and didn’t even pack
It was our last sunrise in the final scene

He loaded the rifle and said no goodbyes to me
He then drove away in my new truck
He said he was gonna fire off some amo you see
I didn’t realize I was the sitting duck

My man said I was just too much to handle
Especially after they said ” “last call”
His love was just like a wick-less candle
Pretty to look at but not useful at all

My man wasn’t man enough to fill his boots
Even though He thought he was better than me
He made love as good as he shoots
He missed his target then shouted obscenities

I used to hate my man for leaving me alone
Then I saw the error of my ways
I know longer worry about if he roams
Because my aim is better than his any day

Christmas With Martha

I have a friend (we will call her Martha) who is just like Martha Stewart (of course besides the prison time). My friend is maybe not the best chef in the world but she’s the best damn hostess you will ever meet and excels in decorating. This is why I call her Martha. 

Now at Christmas time last year (a week or three ago) she invited all of main girls over to her house with our families to string popcorn.  Now, you know me, I am always down for something new and I have never strung popcorn before.  

I went to the gathering with one other single childless woman and we along with two other woman who came with munchkins started stringing popcorn around a kitchen table.  The munchkins had long since given up. They were gone At the first sign of tears and blood which for some was their first attempt at piercing the poppedcorn with a needle; the kids were over it. 

For us ladies it was like a sewing circle but with corn instead of material.  It was actually quite difficult to string popcorn. You have to have just the right piece to make it work.  Or It breaks in your hand or your pierce your finger with the needle. It kind of sucked but I did it!! I strung about 6 feet of corn on to string and then turned to Martha and said  “here you go honey! Put it on your treel!” 

She was horrified! Now what I failed to mention earlier when I said she was like Martha, was just how into this shit she is.  When I walked into her home I was greeted instantly with a winter wonder land. I could see garland upon Garland strung from every handrail. The scent of cinnamon filled the air. Wreaths hung in every corner and a tree in every room.  Each tree in every room had prizes and ornaments that were color coordinated and it was all in some sort of Christmas fashion. There was the silver and blue room. There was the brown and gold room. And there was the red, gold and green room. 

So imagine her absolute horror when I asked her to add my ugly homemade popcorn strand to one of her meticulously adorned trees?! (It was fricken hysterical!)

“Well honey I figured you all could take them home with you and put them on your trees” she replied through gritted teeth. 

I knew that she would of course say something to this effect so I was already with a quick comeback that would throw her a huge curveball. “Now Martha, you have been so kind as to invite us over and make all this poppedcorn and purchased these evil blood sucking needles and thread; and You have three trees, let us decorate them with our love and blood. It’s the least we can do”. I say with a huge smile. 

The whole room goes silent and mind you there were close to 20 people in the room.  Both her college age children who grew up with her OCD tendencies and everyone else  were waiting on baited breath to see what her response would be.  

Our other friends started to chime in, “yeah Martha they will just get crunched in our purse’s on the way home”. Or my other single friend said, “I don’t even have a tree”!  

Which of course lead me to “what’s Tracy supposed to do with hers if she’s got no tree”( suddenly I was Greek)?

Martha stood there in the room frozen. I knew she was facing her worst nightmare      . It was the struggle between her OCD habits and not wanting anyone to come close to her perfect trees; Yet, also wanting to be the perfect hostess. 

” ok ok ” she yielded and I am sure it almost killed her to even say that. ” you can leave it here and I will add it to the tree”. 

“Oh no you won’t Martha! I know you” I protested. 

Her kids finally started in on her  too,” come on mom!  Let them put it on the tree”! Martha looked at their excited Eyes and then looked at me for Mercy and I mouthed “let it go” and gave her a huge smile. 

“Fine hang them up! I don’t care!”she said sadly. Acting as if she never really minded. So her girls took it upon themselves to make it looks as bad as possible and even making it into a happy face on the front of the tree. It was pretty funny we all got a great laugh. Martha looked sick to her stomach. 

I said to her man “I want a text from you when she takes it down.  I suspect it will be ten minutes after I leave”.  

She called me two days later and left me a message on my voicemail,” hey LoLa I just wanted to let you know your god awedul popcorn strand is still on my fucking tree!” And hung up. I laughed so hard. I love her. 

Just some more fun times in LoLa land 

Christmas In September

The tree is decorated with red bulbs
The presents have all been wrapped
All he wanted were some new golf clubs
She, the black Louis Vuitton’s with the strap

Garland adorns all the Windows and shelves
The smell of cinnamon sticks invades your nose
As your feet get trampled by dogs dressed as elves
The sound of off-pitch Carolers grows

It’s that time of year again where families come together
Suicide rates rise and depression is at an all time high
It the season of being in your car for what feels like forever
Damn the storm the family will be mad if you don’t make the drive

Tis the season to be surrounded by sweets
As if your temptations are not already spread thin
Spending hours at the mall On your feet
Trying not to buy more for you then you do for them

It’s the season for giving again
Your credit card just recovered from last year
Will this show of gluttony ever end
Have we all forgotten what we should hold dear?

Of course this season used to start in December
With the stores sporting all its Christmas goods
Now the hysteria is starting in September
So we can all spend more money then we should

What’s A Few Teeth Between Friends

Before reading this you must first read my last post, ” What Do You Need? | Funny Girl LoLa https://funnygirllola.wordpress.com/2016/10/03/what-do-you-need/“. 

Today I actually did the deed.  I left work early to go pick up my nieces disgusting school supplies, Human Teeth!  I walked into the dentists office,  which smelled just like every other dental office I have ever been in.  Instantly I felt ill at ease and nervous. I hate going to the dentist. I would rather have a gynecological procedure then get a routine cleaning at the dentist. I quickly walked up to the front desk and waited for the woman behind the pristinely clean glass partition.  

“Hi, can I help you?” She asked. 

“Mmm yeah, I have been unhappily tasked with the responsibility of retreaving strange people’s unwanted teeth for a school prodect” i stop and take a deep breath. 

Chuckling, the woman responds, “oh of course.  We were expecting you.  I don’t blame you, that’s why we put them in. Bag for you”. 

Another lady comes running up from behind and says urgently, “what ever you do don’t look in the bag! And if you get pulled over by a cop  just “be chill honey bunny”. 

I started cracking up so hard. “I don’t even want to try and explain this to a cop” I said as she handed me a sweet little white paper bag with handles through the open glass window.

I thanked both the nice ladies and walked out of the office. I actually couldn’t wait to get out, just the smell was innerving me. Once outside I was a bit ill at ease still.  A little worse for wear because now I was armed with a bag of teeth. As I walked to my car I could hear the sound of teeth clacking around. It was making the hairs on the back of my teeth stand up. 
Of course I did what they told me not to; wouldn’t  you? I took a deep breath, looked in the bag and saw a plastic specimen bottle with a lid.  You know like the ones you pee in at the doctors ? I was so disgusted and yet I knew it wasn’t going to have spiders Jump out at me if I open the container to get a better look. So, of course that is exactly what I did and  this is what I saw.  

 

Are these horse teeth? The damn things are huge!  

Just another Fun filled day in LoLa-Land

What Do You Need?

As per usual, in LoLa-Land days, this one was just as odd as all the rest.  I was sitting at work minding my own business when I suddenly received a text from my Neice. 

“Auntie LoLa can you stop at the dentist by your work and pick me up some teeth” she asked?

“Don’t you have enough” I asked her , totally assuming she’s kidding and has some punchline coming. 

“It’s for a school project” she replied. 

“Oh my god I think she’s serious”, Was all I kept thinking. “Dosen’t your mom have your baby teeth” I ask?  Of course I knowfull well my sister keeps all of her kids things. I could see her keeping something gross like her kids lost teeth. Still spinning about my sister and everything she holds onto I was left unprepared for my nieces next text, 

“They have to be fresh teeth”. 

Oh man is she for real right now?  Am I being asked to transport a plethora of random strangers teeth to my Neice? Is this a Auntie responsibility? Is there some “Auntie” handbook I can refer to? I want to see if handling strangers castoff body parts is part of my “auntie” duty? 

Then I wondered, what if she’s really joining some kind of cult and has to have human parts for some sort of devil worshiping ceremony? With teenagers it’s always wise to weigh every scenario in your head before you agree to anything because you never know what you’re getting yourself into.  Hell, these could be back market teeth that I could get killed over.  GThey say John Lennens tooth was auctioned off for $30,000 and it had a cavity in it.)Then I think, maybe I’m watching too much CSI.  Here’s what I do know, I’m not prepared to die over some kids “school project”. 

“Please” she texts me again. (Damn she’s even being nice). 

My mind is still swimming; What kind of school project involves having kids beg for strange people’s cast off chompers? And really how fresh can they be if they aren’t still attached to someone’s jaw? But of course, I responded with the usual, 

“ok, but don’t make me a necklace out of them or anything, because I won’t wear it!”

More on this to follow. 

Should I include photos? 

Just a another jaw dropping day in LoLa-Land 

Never A Dull Moment

Look, I’ve been working for 30 years so far this lifetime and I have seen and dealt with a lot of crazy shit.  I’ve had to try and kill a cockroach with my bare hand while working in the food industry. When I worked with kids I had to talk to an angry father about how I could not make all the kids in the daycare get AIDS tested because his kid kept getting ear infections. While doing books alone in a home for a private contractor, I had the entire cities SWAT team show up at his house to arrest someone in his family and it was just me and the dog chilling.  So, you can imagine when my hot client asked me yesterday, “can I write off prostitutes as Other Proessional Servcies”, didn’t really phase me at all. 

“Was she professional” I asked him

“Not really” he replied

Without skipping a beat I said, “well then you can’t write her off as a business expense. But, you may be able to write off the medical expenses you will surely have from seeing her”. 

(I’m a good bookkeeper because I always try to give my clients good news after I’ve   given them the bad news.) 

Just another boring day in LoLa-Land

Just ThinkingĀ 

Tonight one of my cousins posted a video of a conversation between him and his son in the car.  My cousin was driving while his son sat in the backseat yelling at my cousin for not remembering his goggles for swim lessons. My cousin was very non dramatic and matter-of-fact about the entire thing. Basically moving forward with the idea that his kid will survive at swim lessons without his goggles. While his son sat behind him just beyond livid. The kid was throwing things, air stomping his feet yelling at his dad, begging for his moms help and flipping his father off. 

The kid was so confused and so angry he actually flipped his dad off right and then turned his hand around so the front of the finger, with the nail, was facing himself. Which made me laugh and then I was in awe that my cousin didn’t reach back and smack that boy.  

I was thinking to myself (as I watched the video of this kid being pissed off about not having his goggles) not about the fact that the kid was given swim lesson and how cool is that? I was not thinking about all of the kids who never even learn to swim or ever get to go in a pool or body of water. I didn’t think, wow this kid has some real issue with not having his goggles. I wonder if the chlorine hurts his eyes?

No!  All I could think about was, he had his middle finger turned towards himself………………… Does that mean a reverse “Fuck You”? Does that mean, “I love you” instead?  Or does it mean, “Fuck me”?  

I wondered then, if this hand motion will be the new thing? The new self defeating expression of the old “fuck me” can be the middle finger turned towards oneself. We could design t-shirts and coffee mugs. It could be the next yellow dot face or pet rock!!! 

This could be a fucking genuis! And it was all it was all because of a four year old boys fit. 

Just another crazy day in LoLa-Land 

Business Forplay

The interactions between me and my super hot client (I’ve spoke of him before in The Bees Knees),  the last couple days have been interesting to say the least. Not sexual in anyway (sadly, I do so find our banter fun).  Sadly, sex for he and I is just not in the cards. Funny banter is as sexual as it gets. For our purely business relationship, our interactions are our forplay.

He walked into my work the other day looking sexy as usual. 

“Hey stranger how ya doin”? I ask him as I rise up from my chair and walk towards him. 

We meet each other in the center of the room and as he hands me his packet of bills he says to me, “I’m not well. I have the stomach flu”. 

With that information I quickly took one Large step back away from him  and reached my arms out a bit farther so I could begrudgingly take his paperwork. He saw all of this as well as the look of pure horror on my face (because come on who wants the stomach flu); and said, “I licked every single bill there” as he pointed to the pile he just gave me. 

“Great!” I replied sarcastically “now can you leavel? He flashed me his beautiful GQ smile and left. 

Today I texted him, “hey how are you feeling? I hope you’re better.  I was just wondering if you could get the hours to me so I can do payroll?” 

His response was simple, “I will email them in 10 minutes”

5 minutes later I got an email from him with the hours attached.  “Here you go Ms. Demanding”. 

At the same time he texted me, “be careful with the hours I emailed you, I licked them”. 

I almost died laughing but I had to make a quick response (because as I said before, this is our business forplay); I replied, “great! Now we will have to update our anti-virus software”. 

Just another fun with pun kind of day in LoLa-Land.  

Dinner ConversationĀ 

As usual my day just wouldn’t be complete without Some totally obscure event or conversation taking place.  So, I was at Outback with my girlfriend having a completely gluttonous meal when she suddenly asks me a question. 

“LoLa, do you know a Head Doctor”? 

I was surprised she was asking me but I was honest. “Well, they have doctors available through my insurance but I have a lady I’ve seen off an on for years who’s really ni…..” I stopped talking because my friend was cracking up.  

“No! No!” She says still laughing, “a HEAD doctor”. 

I looked at her confused. I thought the other name for a therapist was a head doctor. What is she talking about. Then I remembered she works with roses for a living. 

 “Oh do you mean for like your plants? Like dead heading?  Do they have doctors for that? Are your plants sick?” 

Again my friend is sitting there cracking up. 

“You don’t know what it means” She kind of half tells me, half asks me.  “My boyfriend said you of all of my friend would know what it means. Because I had never heard of it before.”

I replied,”I have no idea what you are talking about. But I…”

“Come on LoLa think about it, HEAD DOCTOR, she says looking at me with that all knowing look. 

“Is the Head Doctor have something to do  with blowjobs”? I ask?

She shook her head yes, “it’s someone who loves blowjobs. I knew you wouldn’t know. I didn’t know!”

We just laughed and then I asked her, “so are you one?”  

“I didn’t used to be” she replies with a glimmer In her eye. 

” ‘Used to be’ implies a tense, as in ‘past’, which means that now maybe you are a Head Doctor?” I sort of half asked, half told her.  She just smiled. 

I have the best friends.  I never know what’s going to happen or be said next. 

Just another quite meal in LoLa-Land

Dancing In The Shadows

Tonight’s date had me laughing so hard I was glad I was already sitting on the toilet or I would have pee’d myself;  as it was, everything worked out fine. But, this is a man who is very subdued and quiet more than he is loud. He’s not one to let his guard down easily. 

Let me lay it out for you. Last night was a romantic scenario, with lots of deep breaths and giggles (mostly mine).  The only light in the room was from a lit candle on my dresser. I had set my phone on Pandora to what I thought was a smooth soul music station but instead we got more of a “African ant eater” station. We didn’t seem to notice until it was too late and we honestly just didn’t care at that point. 

Now this was by no means our first date or I would not have been intimate with him or trying to pee with the door open while  he was there.  Basically, what I’m saying is, he is a “close” friend.  But, as close as we are, it still took me awhile to get him to losen up a bit, Take his guard down and be more himself around me. 

On the flip side, I am still shy about using the toilet in front of him even though he is well aquatinted with my body and there is nothing I should feel weird about. Now, don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t there standing in the bathroom looking at me like he’s Pat Sajak suddenly, wondering why I was taking so long. No, no he was tooling around in my bedroom as the door to the bathroom stood open.  But, I knew he could hear me. I knew he was Just waiting for the tinkling sound that my urine makes. And I on the other side of the wall, was waiting for some other noise to transpire so I could relaxe enough to pee (please don’t ask me why I am so embarrassed to have someone hear me urinate.  I don’t know and I have no idea what that’s about). 

As I sat there trying to relaxe my vaginal walls enough to pee I looked towards the opened  door to make sure he wasn’t standing to close. The only light in the pitch black bathroom was from the bedrooms candle. Oddly enough, the candle lit the ajar bathroom door up like a spot light. I looked back down at my mangled toe for a bit trying to get my mind on something other than the fact that he was listening. 

When I looked up again at the door to the bathroom, I  was shocked to find a dancing shadow frolicking about on it,  like a stoned C3PO. This super serious naked “friend” of mine,  was using the candles reflection to be a full body shadow dancer.  Making no sound at all as he moved.  He was in my room butt naked performing his own shadow show just for me.  As he threw his big arms around in rhythm to the African music that was playing. I couldn’t tell if he was tying to do the robot or some sort of fire chant dance. But, it was like he was my own private naked mime performer. All I know is I laughed so hard I finally started pee’ing.  

Suddenly, he stopped dancing when he heard the tinkling sound, popped his head into the bathroom and said, “you liked that”!? With the biggest smile on his face. 

“Yes!  Thank you. It worked” I replied still giggling. 

I love it when people do funny or good things you don’t expect them to do. I get such a joyful kick when I’m  surprised by people. I really appreciated him trying to lighten my mood in order for me to lighten my load. (Haha)

Just another fun night in LoLa-Land 

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan