Elf on a Shelf

This year for our comany Christmas party  I had the wonderful responsibility of buying the top boss his present in the gift exchange.  OY!! Why me!? I hate shopping for old rich men who have everything they want. You always have to be clever to make the right impression. 

I actually was clever (I think) and had some office items designed with an expression that he always says, “We are just the score Keepers. We’re not here to play the game”.  But, being its Christmas time the package wasn’t coming until two days after the party. So, I had to quickly come up with a new plan. Lucky for me his present came two hours before the party; but, my coworker and I decided I should implement plan B anyway. 

I handed my boss his present (gift B) and when he opened it, he found the “elf on the shelf” doll holding a note.  He instantly got excited about the doll trying to place him on his head and in his non-existent front pocket. He then read the note which said, “I am shelf on the elf I do mischievous things for Christmas this year I’ve decided to keep your Christmas present for ransom. What’s the ransom you might ask? You must give LoLa a raise to get your Christmas gift”.  Luckily for me he let out a big old barrel laugh. 

At this point, he’s having a blast playing with the Efl and  I said, “you have to give the Elf back you know, that’s not your gift”?

“What!? I don’t get to keep him”?! He protested with obvious disappointment. 

“No I borrowed him from a 7 year old little girl. I have to give him back. That’s not your gift. I just didn’t think it would get here in time and didn’t want you to not have something to open” i replied. 

“But, I want the elf! What if I don’t like my gift ? Can I keep the elf?” He still protested. (I bet he was stomping his feet under the table). 

“Do you really want to hurt a poor, cute, dimpled, little girl like that? What’s she ever done to you?” I joke while he just looks confused and sad (we were both a bit intoxicated off of good wine).  

I continued, “would you like your real gift?”

“what?? Where is it?” He asks perplexed. (My delivery I guess could have been less confusing)

“Yes your real gift came in the mail this afternoon would you like it? But, you’ll have to give back the Elf” I said. 

“Ok the Elf for the present” then he flashes me the evil eye and with a sinister laugh says, “Whahah!! I got out of giving you the raise!”

“Shit!” I protested. I guess there’s a reason he’s the boss. 

He ended up then opening up his real gift and I think he really think he liked it a lot.  He got all excited when he saw the items  were personalized with his own expression. He said, “I will gladly trade the ‘elf on the shelf’ for this gift”. I’m very happy that he was happy. Giving him his gift, was the best part of my night. 

 

I should have let him keep that damn elf! Look at this mischief he caused later! 
Happy Hollidays To You All!

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Invention #7

For my latest amazing idea I am going to have to plagiarize from someone else. (Oh the horror of it all! Who would do that? Who would copy someone else’s idea? That’s never happened before I’m sure!? Haha). With my latest wonderous idea I wold like to make a slight variation to a recent very lucrative invention of someone else’s. 

I am sure you have all seen and heard of them, the Selfie-Sticks? They are all the rage in USA and Italy!  I’m sure they are everywhere! Those damn long metal arms that people keep slipping their smart phones (but not smart enough to not need a selfie-stick) into, so they can achieve the ultimate selfie with amazing backdrops included. 

  
Street vendors and gypsies were selling them on every street corner in Italy.  As you walked, they would practically shove the metal rode in your face. Or during tours we would pass a bunch of couples walking  with their phone in their selfie-stick resting on their shoulders and almost smacking people behind them in the head.  The selfie stick has actually been outlawed in Disney World already. 

  
But, I digress, I will stop my bitching and tell you my idea.  What if we invented a “selfie-stick” that could hold all different size dildos instead of phones? Wouldn’t that be fricking awesome woman? Who wants to help me start a finance campaign for it. We could make it the latest “go fund me” or “Kickstarter” project!

What do you think?

Just another brilliant idea in LoLa-land

post Script-

(After writing this my ex sent me the a video I guess I am not the first to think of it.  Go online and look for FantasyGlide pogo stick. )

It’s so cold….

I think I’m starting to see what it must feel like to live in very Cold climates. I have gone without a heater now for three nights. Each morning my home is a little bit colder. Each night the chill invades my skin and sticks to my bones a little bit more then the last night. I have permanent frost bite on my fingers, from my over using my computer.
I sleep with longsleeve shirts on and pants when normally I sleep naked. And I only started sleeping in clothes because, the other night, I woke up from rolling over onto 30° sheets, since they were not covered by any of the blankets all night. It felt like somebody threw Coldwater all over my shoulders.
When I work out my sweat just freezes instead of running down my chest.
When I shower, i stand in the water for about 20 minutes, because it takes me that long To thaw out. It is also the only time actually feel warm.
My Water jug which normally resides in the fridge, can sit out on the counter, because it stays just as cold there as it does in the fridge.
I have to get dressed in my bed under all of my covers.
Last night I asked any of my friends on Facebook if I could rent their naked warm bodies, not for sex, just to cuddle with.
I’m looking into buying stock in the Dura-Flame company.
Boiling water takes longer because it freezes before I can start to heat it up.
My pet is hiding in the oven in hopes that I will turn it on to warm them up.
My plants are fine as long as I don’t touch them. If I touch them, their leaves just break right off.
It’s a good thing I don’t have kids living with me or they would probably try to climb back up my vagina.
I was even thinking about maybe taking some of the homeless guys newspaper so I could shove it between my clothes and my skin.
OY! Tonight should be even better.

Just another day in LoLa-Land

The Greeting Card Writer

Recently I started thinking about how fun it would be to write greeting cards. The first job I ever had was working at a greeting card store and when things got really slow (which was often) I would read the cards to keep from going insane.

Here are some examples of the Greeting cards I would write:

Outside of card #368

“Thank you for the delightful banter
Thank you for the fun
You want to get to know me better”

Inside of card

“But my instincts tell me to run!”
GOOD BYE

Outside of card #254

” I so enjoyed sitting next to you
You always make me smile
I never know just what to do
When I haven’t seen you in awhile

I’m very sorry for what happened
It was never what I wanted to do”

Inside card

“I feel like crap my dear friend
I never meant to puke on you”

SORRY

Outside of Card #642

“Take this broken heart of mine
Please Keep it safe for me
I know this muscle will be just fine
For It’s you that holds it’s key”

Inside card
” you hold the key that locked me in
Your selfish little cage
My anger towards you will never end
I’m filled with so much rage

Take her panties I found on the chair
Please pack them with your stuff
Whatever you feel I don’t really care
Get out of my life you disquieting fuck”
BE WELL

Outside of card #88

“I think you should go back to your ex
Please take no offense ”

Inside card

“But you are really bad at sex.”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Outside card #902

“You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen”

Inside card

Of course I’m blind but that doesn’t mean anything.
GET WELL SOON!

This is just a small sample but I think you get the picture. Maybe I should call my line Sarcasms Notes?

Fat therapy

A couple of years ago I woke up and decided I was sick of being fat.  I started eating Nutri System and working out 30 mins a day.  I did great I lost 60 lbs and I felt really good about myself.  But, then tragedy struck again as it always seems to do.  And I was sick to death of eating cardboard.  So, I stopped the NS and I started eating the crap again.  Slowed down my work outs and eventually I was on my way back up the scale again.   I don’t know what happened but a couple of months ago I woke up again and started working out hard everyday.   I am off of Soda’s and Candy, and I’m starting to feel better about myself again.  

One of the things that I have done since I started all of this waking, was write  jokes about being fat.  I don’t know why laughing through my pain seems to help me so much… but it does.  So, here are some of the jokes I wrote, please know that some of these were based off of experience, but most of them were what I imagined it would be like if I hadn’t woken up.  These are just therapy I would never say them to anyone. 

Disclaimer – None of these jokes are about pregnant woman and should never be used as such!

  1. You know you are to fat when you wave and five minutes later your under arm is still moving.
  2. You know you are to fat when your back fat makes bigger boobs then your real ones.
  3. You know you are to fat when your stomach holds your boobs up for you.
  4. You know you are to fat when you have a chaffing problem on your ankles.
  5. You know you are to fat when the fat stores don’t carry your size.
  6. You know you are to fat when your double chin covers your necklace.
  7. You know you are to fat when your eyes are pushed closed every time you smile
  8. You know you are to fat when you can’t wipe your own ass!
  9. You know you are to fat when you need 4 super long maxi pads end to end to protect you during your period.
  10. You know you are to fat when your husbands wedding ring could double as your toe ring.
  11. You know you are to fat when you shake the entire house just because you sat down.
  12. You know you are to fat when you need to buy a new couch every year.
  13. You know you are to fat when your watch needs an extender.
  14. You know you are to fat when the car you are in tilts to a 45% angle on your side.
  15. You know you are to fat when you can average 4 alcoholic drinks an hour and still be under the legal limit.
  16. You know you are to fat when a love seat looks like a perfect seat for you.
  17. You know you are to fat when you don’t need to look down to hold things under your chin.
  18. You know you are to fat when bending over to pick something up winds you.
  19. You know you are to fat when the brief’s underwear you bought look like a G-string.
  20. You know you are to fat when you have to take two steps sideways to see your entire body in a full length mirror.
  21. You know you are to fat when you sit down and a person across the room things there was an earthquake.

Some Fat Jokes just for men

  1. You know you are to fat when you have to put your belt under your stomach instead of over it.
  2. You know you are to fat when your shirts are all worn thin around the belly button.
  3. You know you are to fat when you are hard as a rock and you still can’t see your dick past your stomach. ( my dad calls this a dickie do)

That’s it for now,  more to come I am sure when I think of them.

LoLa

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan