It’s a Great Life 

I was recently at a wedding for a member of my adopted family and I was having the most amazing time just seeing everyone I love so much. At one point I was talking to a friend I’ve known since high school and she introduced me to a woman I had never met before who was sitting with us.  After the normal cordial greetings the woman looked at me and asked me, “so how’s your life treating you”? As if she had known me for years and wanted to catch up.  I was a bit taken back by this question from this virtual stranger.  Do I tell her the truth of do I give her the socially preferred answer like , “good! How’s yours”?  

 I didn’t really know the truth.  I hadn’t how life was treating me in some time. I  went straight into my deep thoughts and started a survey in my head “weeeeeelll, I have way more good days then bad days.  I usually like my job.  I’m healthy for the most part so that’s good.  But, I am not really excited about anything”.  After about thirty seconds I decided I didn’t know what to say about my life so I was going to go with the social norm response.  Suddenly my old friend pipes in and says, “oh my god!!! LoLa has the best life! I want her life!   She is always going places and doing all these fun things. I can barely keep up with her instagram posts!  I’m jealous of her life all the time”!

All I could think was, “wow! Is that how she feels about my life, she’s jealous? That’s both sad for her and really cool for me.” Then in my mind I saw her day in and day out, in her dark home with her full range of sons from high school to grade school. Dealing with the daily routine and monotony of life. Maybe not even attracted and most  definitely irritated by her man.  That’s when I got out of my head and looked at her, I mean really looked at her and her eyes were sparkeling and she was all lit up suddenly.  She was getting excited talking about my life! “This is so crazy that her energy would change as she spoke of someone else’s existence and yet so very cool for me to realize that’s how someone else sees my existence as so amazing.  Then it occurred to me, “I guess I do have a pretty great life”. 

That’s when I turned to the woman who originally asked me the “how’s life” guestion in the first place and finally responded, “life is great!  My old friend here is right, I have a great life”! And with that the woman barely mustard a “well that’s nice” before she turned and walked away.  

I don’t know if I took to long to answer? Or if she was overwhelmed by how great my life was? Or if she was just trying to have a superficial polite chit chat with me and could care less? Her lack of interest in my life really didn’t bother me.  I was still spinning from the acceptance that “my life is great” realization. 

It was a good day in LoLa-Land

Advertisements

It’s Fever Time

So, here it is again Fever time!!  It came on me fast and furious this year .  Everything aches.  I mean everything! Seriously, even my teeth hurt.  My jaw feels like someone punched me. My ears are clogged my throat feels like I swalled nails and I have no energy! NADA! I’m freezing one minute and laying in my own sweat the next (it’s really quite sexy).  

That fastest I have moved all day is when I fell out of my bed.  I laid on the floor for awhile before I had enough strength to climb back into bed.   At one point I had to kill a huge spider crawling over my bed on the ceiling.  I was so unsteady and exhausted just from standing up on my bed I  almost ripped the ceiling fan out trying to get the spider.  

I refuse to cry or get all emotional about being pathetically sick because then I just won’t be able to breath through my nose and as of right now I still have that function. These are the times I really miss being a part of a couple.  These are the times I wish someone would just hold me and stroke my hair.  But instead when I’m hungry, I drag my ass to the kitchen and cook myself some food. When my nose is running I am the one that locates some Kleenex. 

However, I am also all alone to do what ever I want to. If I want to eat dry wheaties and drink whisky all day while watching multiple reruns of Sex and The City no one is going to stop me. If I want to baracade the outside of my home with that yellow caution tape and not speak to another living soul for a week I can do that too.  All I know is I don’t have the energy right now to caution tape my house and I don’t have the energy to care that no one else is here to do it for me.  

Just another heated day in LoLa-Land

Alone! Alone, alone, all alone

I’ve been very alone since the new year started.  I know it’s a trend in my life because I am so often times unbelievably busy the first quarter of the year and I tend to loose sight of what’s going on with those around me.   But, I am now coming out from the death grip that work has had on me and I’m looking around and no one is here. All of my friends have partnered up with someone And they seem to be just not that available.  

Normally, in the past this feeing of being alone has frietened me into a panic stricken state of worry and wondering, “oh my god is this loneliness!  What if I become lonely? What if I remain all alone!?”  And yet this year I am not upset at all.  I realize that loneliness is a state of mind not a state of being.  I realize that I love my alone time. I love even more not having to work while I’m having my alone time. I don’t fear the length of time between visits with friends and lovers. I am just as excited to lay on my bed sideways and play solitaire as I am To go have dinner with a friend.

The only thing I tend to worry about now with regards to my being alone; is, what if I become so used to being alone I can’t at some point handle someone else in my space?  I don’t want to become one of those woman who are so set in their ways that they can’t budge just a bit to accommodate someone else. I know these are premature fears for me to have; as I have only truly been single a few years. For me to worry about such things is a futile waste of my time and harmful to this body I’m in. Why stress about something now when it may cause me stress again later?  Why not just deal with that when And if I need to?  

Just another self-perspective evening in LoLa-Land

Brawny Man

I went out last night with a man I’ve been dating. He wanted to take me to meet his friends at Trivia night (which I am horrible at Trivia by the way).  I of course was dreading the trivia but fully enjoying the idea of meeting his friends.  The Brawny man ( I call him the Brawny Man because he looks just like the papaertowel guy) and I have been dating since mid December and had already hit a few rough patches.  We both have amazingly complex schedules, that never seem to align very easily.  Last night was the first time I had been able to spend any quality time with him since two weeks prior.  I was excited just to be able to see him. 

Last night,walked in to the bar and he immediately introduces me to the hostess for the evening and says to her, ” Claire this is Rah… I mean LoLa”. They both laughed and I was irritated. “Apparently, he’s getting me mixed up with his other girl” I said to Claire and then her and I giggled.  For some reason Brawny Man didn’t find it funny. 

So, we’re sitting at trivia hanging with his crew. A bunch of young good looking dudes all in their mid 20’s just taking off in life and Brawny Man is 47; myself, a whopping 43. I was having a great time being surrounded by all the smart, young, sexy guys in the room, feeling much like a mother Hubbard. Then one of them mentioned that it had been a month since they had played. They all concurred with him and patted themselves on the back to show in their manly way they missed each other; brawny man included.  All the while I stood there wondering where the fuck Brawny Man had been if he hadn’t been at Trivia the last four Thursday’s? Because, that is where he told me he was.

I laid low and said nothing. I know enough from my life lessons to check my facts before I freak.  We stopped to get gas on the way home and while he pumped I checked my text history with him and sure enough last Thursday he was going to Trivia and then coming to my house at 9. He showed up at my house At 10:30 but not before texting me that his group came in fifth place. All I was thinking was  “dude, he straight up lied to me”!  As I sat there burning up from the inside. 

He got back in the car and I say, “who did you play trivia with last week if they were all gone?” 

“I didn’t play Trivia last week” he replied

“Yes you did” I insisted 

“No” He insisted as well

“Then what did you do?” I asked him

“I don’t know why?” He asked me

Irritated at his avoidance “you told me you were at Trivia”. 

“No” he answered 

“Mmmmm yeah!  you said you were going to trivia and that you guys came in fifth and you were sitting around talking and that’s why you were so late coming over.”  I reiterated the text I had just reread.  

“Honestly, I don’t remember what I did sorry” was all he gave me. 

I was so pissed instead of asking him to spend the night I told him to drop me at my front gate.  I didn’t even want him to enter my complex. He drove away before I was even safe inside the gate which I felt was very ungentlemanly.  (A man should always make sure a woman is safe before he drives away, no matter how angry he may be) 

Later he told me he wasn’t going to make up excuses about something he doesn’t remember. That he probably went to a movie and dinner for some alone time because I was such a drain on his time off.  This message only further enraged me as I had seen him for all of four hours all of last week. The week before I saw him only two night, this week I was supposed to see him two nights.  Next week we only had two nights available as well. How on earth is that me taking up his time?.  Most woman I know expect a daily visit from their men and honestly aren’t we supposed to want to be with each other?

I was so mad all I could say or think were a bunch of rude snarky comments so I said, ” you lied last week about what you were doing even though you knew I was unavailable. Why would you even need to lie about going to a movie if you knew I couldn’t impose on precious alone time? This just doesn’t make any sense? Which tells me you’re lying again”.

In my gut I know there is something amiss here.   I don’t know if he’s with another woman or not; but, he is hiding something and I don’t have the care or energy to figure out what that may be. It’s obvious, He is just not the right man for me. 

Just Another Failed Relationship In LoLa – Land.  

Christmas With Martha

I have a friend (we will call her Martha) who is just like Martha Stewart (of course besides the prison time). My friend is maybe not the best chef in the world but she’s the best damn hostess you will ever meet and excels in decorating. This is why I call her Martha. 

Now at Christmas time last year (a week or three ago) she invited all of main girls over to her house with our families to string popcorn.  Now, you know me, I am always down for something new and I have never strung popcorn before.  

I went to the gathering with one other single childless woman and we along with two other woman who came with munchkins started stringing popcorn around a kitchen table.  The munchkins had long since given up. They were gone At the first sign of tears and blood which for some was their first attempt at piercing the poppedcorn with a needle; the kids were over it. 

For us ladies it was like a sewing circle but with corn instead of material.  It was actually quite difficult to string popcorn. You have to have just the right piece to make it work.  Or It breaks in your hand or your pierce your finger with the needle. It kind of sucked but I did it!! I strung about 6 feet of corn on to string and then turned to Martha and said  “here you go honey! Put it on your treel!” 

She was horrified! Now what I failed to mention earlier when I said she was like Martha, was just how into this shit she is.  When I walked into her home I was greeted instantly with a winter wonder land. I could see garland upon Garland strung from every handrail. The scent of cinnamon filled the air. Wreaths hung in every corner and a tree in every room.  Each tree in every room had prizes and ornaments that were color coordinated and it was all in some sort of Christmas fashion. There was the silver and blue room. There was the brown and gold room. And there was the red, gold and green room. 

So imagine her absolute horror when I asked her to add my ugly homemade popcorn strand to one of her meticulously adorned trees?! (It was fricken hysterical!)

“Well honey I figured you all could take them home with you and put them on your trees” she replied through gritted teeth. 

I knew that she would of course say something to this effect so I was already with a quick comeback that would throw her a huge curveball. “Now Martha, you have been so kind as to invite us over and make all this poppedcorn and purchased these evil blood sucking needles and thread; and You have three trees, let us decorate them with our love and blood. It’s the least we can do”. I say with a huge smile. 

The whole room goes silent and mind you there were close to 20 people in the room.  Both her college age children who grew up with her OCD tendencies and everyone else  were waiting on baited breath to see what her response would be.  

Our other friends started to chime in, “yeah Martha they will just get crunched in our purse’s on the way home”. Or my other single friend said, “I don’t even have a tree”!  

Which of course lead me to “what’s Tracy supposed to do with hers if she’s got no tree”( suddenly I was Greek)?

Martha stood there in the room frozen. I knew she was facing her worst nightmare      . It was the struggle between her OCD habits and not wanting anyone to come close to her perfect trees; Yet, also wanting to be the perfect hostess. 

” ok ok ” she yielded and I am sure it almost killed her to even say that. ” you can leave it here and I will add it to the tree”. 

“Oh no you won’t Martha! I know you” I protested. 

Her kids finally started in on her  too,” come on mom!  Let them put it on the tree”! Martha looked at their excited Eyes and then looked at me for Mercy and I mouthed “let it go” and gave her a huge smile. 

“Fine hang them up! I don’t care!”she said sadly. Acting as if she never really minded. So her girls took it upon themselves to make it looks as bad as possible and even making it into a happy face on the front of the tree. It was pretty funny we all got a great laugh. Martha looked sick to her stomach. 

I said to her man “I want a text from you when she takes it down.  I suspect it will be ten minutes after I leave”.  

She called me two days later and left me a message on my voicemail,” hey LoLa I just wanted to let you know your god awedul popcorn strand is still on my fucking tree!” And hung up. I laughed so hard. I love her. 

Just some more fun times in LoLa land 

Listening To My Gut 

I had a date with a man today that I was actually quite excited to meet.  We met online a week ago and we have been talking or rather texting this whole time. All of it has been good stuff. I found him to be charming, insightful, honest and polite. There were some negatives (as there always are) but the positives seemed to way out weigh the negatives about him. 

I thought we had made plans to meet in my town (which is about an hour away from his, one of the negatives) at noon.  We had talked a few times about how excited we were to meet one another. And yet I texted him at eleven this morning to see if he was on his way and he had no idea what I was talking about. He said when we had made the plans he was drunk and didn’t remember them. Yet, we had spoken several times since then and not once had he suggested a different time to meet up and even confirmed  seeing me today. 

Though he was sincerely apologetic, when I got off the phone with him, even  knowing he would be there to see me (just a few hours later then expected) I was irritated. And I wondered if my irritation was just some over exaggerated-female Anxt or if I had a true reason to be irritated. I was paused from any forward movement to get ready as I laid on my bed in deep contemplation about whether I should even go out with him or not. Why would I want to meet someone after they’ve pissed me  off? Won’t that only be setting them up for failure? I mean I would be walking into the date with a chip on my shoulder. Then he called…

“Hey, do you think we could reschedule to another day. It’s such a long drive and I have a lot of stuff to do still? Would that be ok?” He asked. 

Now anyone who knows me, knows I hate to be cancelled on; I think it is so disrespectful. So, I said, ” that’s fine.  I was actually thinking about calling you and cancelling myself. But, I don’t think we should reschedule”. 

“What? Why?” He asked. 

“I just don’t feel like meeting me is your priority. And being that this is the first date and your cancelling that doesn’t bow well for us” I replied. 

“But this is the first time we could see each other” he protested. 

“Yes I know!” I was polite yet firm, but I went on, “it strikes me as odd that you were cool with seeing me today and yet you apparently (since he couldn’t remember out plans) couldn’t even be bothered to set up a time to meet me. Not to mention knowing you would see me today why did you not do what I did and, make sure all of your stuff that you have to do was done before today?”  

There was a silence on his end, so I went on, “It just seems to me that if you were really interested in seeing me you would make an effort of some sort and you haven’t at all.  I’m looking for a man who wants to make an effort to see me or feels like it’s no effort at all. It’s just what he wants.” 

After another silence he said, ” wow. Ok then. I’m sorry. Goodbye”. 

I said goodbye aswell and we both calmly hung up. What stuck me enough to write about all of this is how proud I am for listening to my feelings. Knowing what didn’t few right to me inside and sticking to my guns enough to make myself feel better. If I had pretend to have been ok with a new date and rescheduled, I would have been so mad and it and at myself for letting him treat me like that. It would probably have Ben cancelled too. I just feel that if a man is into you he will make an effort.  It’s just time for a better class of men in my life and I’m not taking seconds or being anyone’s after thought anymore.  

Just another growth day in LoLa-Land 

Black Book Cell Phone

I realized the other day that my phone has become my little black book.  It has every number anyone has ever given me. It has all the facts about all the men I know. It tells me when they’re birthdays are and how reach them. I add notes and pictures to my contacts so when men contact me I know instantly who it is. I even inadvertently set up a audible messing system that works wonders for me at work.  

I have set ring tones for different people for different reasons. If someone I really love and consider family or a best friend messages or calls they get a special ring tone. That way when they text without even looking at my phone I know who it is and if I need to look at it right away. 

  If a man that I like texts me then I give him the whistle ring tone. So when I hear that sound of someone whistling at me,  I automatically get all excited and feel my energy level rise. I tend to look at those messages right away. 

When a man I don’t like or who has wronged me in some way send me a message I usually have changed their ring tone set to the barking dog sound. When I hear that sound I cringe and I feel dthe hairs on the back of my neck pop up.  I usually take my time reading those messages.  

There is one man I know who I feel is the king of all dogs.  Not because he has wronged me in any way but because I know of at least five woman he has slept with and I know he “gets around”. For him I have a special ring and that is the horn sound that they make before the dog and horse races. Because quite honestly I think is the keeper of all the dogs. 

Breaking Into The Hospital

Halloween this year was a different story then most. There was so much going on this year and my sister needed help with her kids. One had dance in one town, while one was doing football in another town,  while the youngest needed to be picked up from afterschool club. It was raining cats and dogs and everyone wanted to go trick or treating.  And finally to make things even more complicated our dad had surgery that morning and was in the hospital. 

I helped my sister out by driving to the neighboring town and picking up my youngest niece, who funny enough was dressed in scrubs and said she was a nurse.  Where as I had dressed in scrubs for Halloweeen to and was telling everyone I was a brain Surgeon (hey go big or go home) After picking her up I took her to my house, giving her space to do her homework, fed  her dinner, then we braved the rain to go trick or treating. By the time all of that was done it was already 8pm.  It was then that I was able to finally go to the hospital to see my pops. 

When we got to the hospitals the doors were locked and no one there, it was as if someone just shut it down for the night. Just when we were getting ready to leave a security guard showed up and I asked him, 

“Is there anyway to get into the hospital?”

“Maybe if you go around the back to the emergency room. You could probably get in through there” he responded. 

We were still dressed in our scrubs so I think he thought we worked there as he never once mentioned what the sign said, that visiting hours were over.  My niece and I drove around back and walked up to the ER doors.  I had a small feeling that noone was going to let me in to see my dad since it was obvious visiting hours were over but it couldn’t hurt to ask, or not ask….   Just as we entered the lobby to the emergency room the internal doors to the back flew open and two guys pushing an empty gurney came running out.  I didn’t stop at the front desk.  I Didn’t even acknowledge anyone else, I just walked right through those double doors and into the back of the ER.  

Just after I walked into the back I surveyed my surroundings. My Niece stood frozen in the lobby on the outer side of the now closing doors, “auntie! AUNTIE!!” She was freaking out because she is our rule keeper. (She never does anything wrong. She is always quick to tell anyone when they are doing something wrong.) I turned to her and mouthed “ssshhhhhhh!!!” And motioned for her to get her ass over to me.  I think the only reason she even budged was because she was so scared she didn’t want to be left without me rather than breaking the rules with me. The ER was just a big room with a desk in the center and lots of mini rooms made up of hanging curtains as patient areas.  I saw a few people look at my Neice and I and then look away. I quickly started walking around trying to find a way into the main hospital. When suddenly a doctor came through two doors that read “Authorized personal only”. But, honestly I didn’t care because I saw the king hospital hall just behind him.  I quickly waked through the same doors and heard my petrified Neice again, “auntie!!!”  She was frozen in the ER. 

“Do you really want to stay in there?” Which made her jump.  We quickly walked the halls of the deserted hospital looking for the elevator to the second floor. My Neice finally musters up the courage to speak to me. “Auntie what are we doing? We are not supposed to be here!” Just then a man in scrubs pushing a wheelchair walked by us.  I waited to him to pass before I responded. 

“Sweetie I know that; but, I think because we are both dressed in scrubs they aren’t paying attention to us.”  

Just then I found an elevator but again it said “authorized personnel only” over it.  However, right then the doors to the elevator opened and I took it as a sign that the universe was guiding us.  All doors just kept opening for us. I quickly walked into the elevator and tuned to find my Neice frozen in the hallway still,”AUNTIE!! You can’t go on that!” She said in a panicked whisper.  

“Girl! Get your butt in here!” I said irritated, we were so close to seeing my dad. Again the doors started to close and she ran on to th lift. “What on earth are you so scared of?  It’s not like we would get arrested. We would simply be asked to leave. Honestly, I think they think we work here”.  Just then the doors opened and we were finally on the second floor. We were able to follow the room signs and quickly found pops watching TV in the bed of his hospital room.  “Hey!” He almost yelled as he was very high on pain killers. “This is a wonderful surprise! I didn’t think anyone else was coming!” We each gave him hugs and I told him how we had to break in to the hospital to see him.  He laughed so hard and then tuned to his granddaughter and said “what did you think would happen? Did you think you would be arrested or something?” As he was still laughing. I could see she was really mad at first but I think just seeing him get such a kick out of our story made her mood change and soften. 

I took my Neice home around nine and was finally able to go home myself. Dads back at home recovering from his surgery.  My Neice is still speaking to me and my sister  hasn’t said a word about it.  So, I’m hoping all is well in LoLa-Land again 

Depleted 

I’m feeling very “run down” this week.  I’m ok physically and mentally. But emotionally and spiritually I’ve seen better days.  I have found myself wanting to spend more time home alone then with loved ones because they are taking so much out of me.  

I’ve always had this great ability to be people’s sounding wall. People can vent or cry, bitch and moan to me about anything and I don’t judge, I just listen. These problems that people share with me never get me down or upset me. Some people have found this trait of mine to be a skill.  For me it’s just…. Me.  Anyway, normally hearing my friends and family complain is not an issue; but, lately I’ve just been kind of depleted by it all. 

I don’t know if this is because I myself feel like a few too many things are up in the air in my own life and I need my own guidance? Or if there are just to many loved ones calling on me and not reciprocating?  All I know is I’m feeling drained and I have started avoiding phone calls and have turned down dates and plans with my peeps.  Because quite honestly I don’t want to have to help anyone else right now. 

It’s making me a bit sad because I love to be around people. I’m an extravert for Christ sakes but lately being around people has started to exhaust me.  It really screws with my FOMO (fear of missing out) because I have been saying “no” to more things then I say yes to.

Can a person take a mental vacation while still maintaining a job and regular life? 

Just a low day in LoLa-Land 

Up Up and Away

I had yet another sweet invite this weekend. I actually had two, but I only did one of them. Friday night one of my girlfriends hosted a birthday party for me and two other girls. It was a sleepover girls night, with hot tub option. Saturday night, one of my college friends invited me to another girls night at her parents cabin at the top of a mountain in Sonoma County.  I had already rsvp’d to the Saturday event so instead of spreading myself too thin, I only went over for dinner and drinks Friday night and when all the girls were about to jump in the hot tub,  I left.  

On Saturday, the drive to the cabin was a bit hairy i’m not going to lie. It was often times straight up or very steep and windy road.  It had also rained off and on all that day; so, the very dry rock walls on one side,  were giving way and there was a lot of rocks on the wet road.  To make things even worse the fog was coming in faster then I could drive and at certain times, I was surrounded by whiteness.  It was both breathtaking and horrifying at the same time. 

I was thankful to finally reach the cabin. It is the last property located at the very top of a mountain. It’s a hodgepodge of different doors and windows, as each decade the family has made additions to the exsisitung one bedroom cabin. Now it houses two bedrooms, a large kitchen, living room with dining area, a loft and a 180degree wrap around porch. It’s totally funky and exactly what I would expect from her family. 

She said every time someone in the family remodels or gets rid of anything they bring the old stuff to the cabin. So the windows and front door are all from their grandmas house and their furniture is all castoffs from the extended family.  

I felt so blessed to be able to have the peace and quiet of the cabins blissful surroundings (even if I got more grey hairs driving there).  The fog lowered enough so that we were able to sit under the covered porch and watch the sunset. 


We barbequed everything we brought. We barbequed the steaks and squash, to go with the pasta and salad for dinner. Then we barbequed dates wrapped with chease and bacon (holly hell can I get a witness,  that shit is good). Then we actually grilled on foil, organic Oreos and granola with chocolate on top. It was one of the yummiest meals I had in awhile. I had a blast, we all laughed and giggled all night. I slept like a log and when I woke up, I saw this. 


It was heaven. I do so have the most amazing friends! 

Just another fabulous weekend in LoLa-Land

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan