The Unwanted Ex

I have a handful of ex boyfriends and honestly it’s never really been a problem when I run into any of them. I am usually excited to see them and wish I had more time to catch up with them. Having spent so much intimate time with someone in the past, always leaves me wondering how they are now?

Really there are only two men that I would never want to see again and I have been blessed with the freedom of knowing, that they both moved away shortly after we broke up; so, I have never worried about running into either of them, that is until now.

I recently learned one of them has moved back to town. I was told his wife who he cheated on with me, while lying to me about his marital status, while continuing to sleep with her, while sleeping with me, and lying to us both, divorced his ass and he is now dating someone who looks to be about fourteen. ( I don’t know anything about who he dates, this is just what his friends told me).

What I do know, is I don’t want to see him at all. I hope to god I don’t just bump into him, because, I don’t know if I would be able to handle it without slapping him in the face, or screaming at him. Yes, I am still angry with him. Yes, I am trying to work on this anger. But, the man lied to me, cheated on me and stole from me. He was a big jealous freak who hated me having friends of any kind and would be suspicious anytime I went anywhere without him. It got to the point where my friends never saw me because he would make me miserable before and after I went out; so, I hardly ever went out anymore.

As angry as I was with him for bugging out of my life before he finished the job he started in my bathroom, which he was only doing because he owed me money he couldn’t pay back, I was grateful he moved far away so I wouldn’t have to ever see him again. Every time I saw him before he left, a little bit of vomit would come up my throat and I would be struck with a sudden urge to hit him, hard.

At the same time maybe his quick departure was a bad thing. Because, I never got to tell him what a low down dirty, lying, cheating, thieving evil dog I thought he was. I never told him how he had destroyed my faith in men and how completely psychotic I think he is. I never got to get my money back that he owes me, or be able to go “To Wanda” on his car, which I so desperately wanted to do. fried green tomatoes But, damnit, I’m a Buddhist and I believe in karma, so I can’t hurt him back.

My hope is that I don’t run into him unless I know ahead of time that he will be there, so I can be mentally and emotionally prepared. I also hope the man comes through with a very heartfelt apology and the money he owes me, or I fear I will always hate him. I have worked so hard in my life to not hate anyone… Obviously, I’m still working on my energy around him.

Wish me luck

Just another day in LoLa-Land

Haunted

When I first moved into my new place I thought for sure it was haunted. At the time I was dating a man who would get premonitions of the future. It was one of his premonitions that I feel made me fall even harder for him ( but that’s a different story). I asked him if he saw any premonitions that he thought might come from the ghost in my closet and he never felt or saw anything. But I knew that my home had a unsettled soul living in it.
You see almost every time I opened the closet door in the master bedroom I would see a dead man hanging from the back of it. It got to the point after a few months of this, that I would flinch every time I would open my closet door because I would be so scared I would see him again. I would tell you what he was wearing or what he looked like, if I had ever grown relaxed with this vision. But as it was, I would see the man, looking out towards me, his head dipped down to one side, a noose placed securely around his neck, cutting off his oxygen. All I know is I would be so over come with fear and sadness, I would close my eyes and turn away. Whenever I turned back to try and get a better look at him, he would be gone.
I tried everything to get rid of the ghost. I tried blessed tea leaves, saging and nothing worked. I called a friend of mine who’s mom is psychic and I asked her for some guidance. She told me she felt there was no spirit attached to the house. Still he kept hanging amongst my unused clothes.
At some point my boyfriend and I broke up and he moved far away. Before he left he had become more and more angry with me over things that he was imagining in his head. My love for him was always evident to me but he could never accept it. His anger would effect his daily thoughts and his own demons that plagued his heart started to consume him.
When he finally left my ghost left with him. I have had no vision of any type since then. I have had no weird feeling like there is anyone else living here but me. I never worry about what I will see when I open my closet door anymore and now I wonder why. I have thought about this many times and the only plausible thing that makes any sense to me is that the dead man I kept seeing in my closet was not in fact dead at all. I feel now that I was never actually being haunted by a unsettled spirit. But, that I actually was getting my ex lovers premonitions instead of him and the man hanging in the back of my closet was in fact him. I truly believe that if he had stayed with me, If he had stayed here in this place he would have ended up hanging himself in my closet and I would have found him.
I know my home is peaceful now that he is gone and I hope that my ex has found peace with in himself. As for me I think he will be the last man I chose to be with who has a psychic ability like that, because I was grossly ill prepared for his visions.

Thank you in a sentence

I took the beautiful sea foam sponge you gave me for Christmas, that you used to use when you took your hour long baths with my luxurious bubble bath and I cleaned the molding fruit, dirt and grime off of the back wall that lines my patio with it. Thank you

Drive Safely

Drive Safely back to your life
Please just take your time
You will soon see your son and wife
Everything will end up fine

Drive Safely back to yourself
Make sure you end up where you want to be
Please don’t harm anyone else
Stop yourself before things get ugly

Drive Safely away from here
This place you swore you wanted to live
I guess your wants weren’t that clear
Or did you just want more than I could give

Drive Safely to that next step
Please try to make better decisions
This may be as good as it gets
Rainbows may sometimes color your vision

Drive Safely please around bends and turns
Try to for-see what may be coming
Don’t stop trying to seek what your heart yearns
Don’t settle down, but stop running

Drive safely towards your past
Reaching out for the ones you left behind
Please try not to drive too fast
Remember the bumper sticker, “Be Kind”

Drive Safely away from me
Your love for me left long ago
This has been a waste of my energy
A constant challenge to feed your ego

Drive Safely back to things you didn’t want
They will love you even still
Hopefully you will feel all of what you forgot
Your heart will be fulfilled

Drive safely please and take care
I will hope only the best for you
There’s a lesson in “Us” as a pair
What it is, I wish I knew.

Single Day #16

I’m a bit melancholy tonight. I spent some time with the ex because we worked out a trade and he is helping me with repairs to my house. It was weird being around him. It’s weird to be around someone you are so close to one day and then a week later you are barely even speaking to each other.

I found myself wanting to hug on him at times. Then at times I was literally pushing back tears. Our relationship was so fleeting and yet so powerful at the same time. It’s so easy in hind sight to see where the cracks were in the relationship. Sometimes you can even see how you could have fixed it. I see ways I could fix things between he and I. And I wonder what could have been if we would have waited for one another or if we had met later in life?

Now all I feel is this sense, that any future we ever could have had was obliterated by our past actions. I have never in my life had such an intense relationship with someone for such a short period of time. Most people I loved that deeply have either never left or they stayed a few years at least.

I fell for him so hard, and so fast! I don’t see myself ever doing that again.
I will always love him. I miss parts of us and who we were together. But, I am very happy to be single. I am pretty relaxed all the time now. There is very little drama in my world. I have to just keep moving forward. I wish us both well, where ever we may end up.

Keep your love to Yourself

You can keep your love to yourself
You can hold it all in and be strong
You can be happier all by yourself
If it’s how you feel, it can’t be wrong

Whats your way of expressing your love
How do you let the ones you care about know
They may tell you, it’s you they love
But would you let your love for them show

chorus
And he says,
“I told you before that I loved you
You didn’t believe me that I did
I’m sorry my words weren’t good enough
I wont be saying them again”

If I love you then you know it
Because I will tell you time and again
If I love you I will easily admit it
Not too ashamed to feel less in the end

If you brake my heart and lie to me
You could see where I would doubt
That things you may have said to me
Would be lacking a bit of clout

choras
And he says,
“I told you before that I loved you
You didn’t believe me that I did
I’m sorry my words weren’t good enough
I wont be saying them again”

Light soft songstress style
“Keep your love to yourself”

I won’t stop telling you I love you
No matter what you may not say
For me it’s not about controlling you
Or just having it my own way

I could never shut off the way I feel
Not For you or for anyone else
I will always say everything I feel
While you keep your love to yourself

chorus
And he says,
“I told you before that I loved you
You didn’t believe me that I did
I’m sorry my words weren’t good enough
I wont be saying them again”

Light soft songstress style
“Keep your love to yourself”

You can keep your love to yourself
Because you said you loved me before
Before the lies you told me and yourself
How can you doubt why I don’t believe you anymore?

Ex Dream

I had the weirdest dream about my ex last night (or rather this morning). I dreamt he was at my work for some reason. So, I tried to stay clear of him. But he seemed to be everywhere I needed to go. I was getting really irritated I just couldn’t have my space. At one point I walked into my office and my entire staff was standing near the door all talking work, like nothing was going on. Like they didn’t see him at all and he was standing in the alcove behind my desk full on making out with some really skinny bleached blond.
At this point I was done with him being in my space. I charged through the crowd of co-workers and kind of pushed / nudged them to get their attention. At the same time I started yelling, ” really!? Do you need to throw it in my face that you met someone else! Get the fuck out of here!”
They stopped kissing while I was yelling and looked at me and I was so takin back by what I saw, that I actually stopped yelling and took a step back.
The bleached blonde was probably the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life. She looked like a crack head who hadn’t been to the dentist in 29 years. Her nose was huge, her cheeks were gaunt, she looked like she had no idea what food was. I was actually repulsed that he would put his lips on her.
Even more disturbing than her, was my ex. He looked at me and I could barley recognize him. He had two mustaches. One was a normal one and one was long a curly and they both sat across his nose instead of under it. I don’t know how he could see past the hair? If I didn’t know the leather coat he had on. I probably wouldn’t have recognized him. I was scared by what I saw he looked like an animal almost.
I woke up right then, feeling really freaked out.
I’m going to have to analyze this one a bit.
Here is what I think some of it means.
Him being at my work and in my space was a reflection of feeling like he was suffocating me by just always being in my space.
I think the mustache is evident of a number of things, That he put on a mask with me, he couldn’t see what he really had.
He hurt me and let go of me because he couldn’t see my love for him.
He was putting on a facade with me and this person i saw in my dream was the real big red?
I don’t know?
Dreams are a trip.

Single Sadness

Alone, Alone, Alone! I am finally here in the place that I so longed for the past several years. I am in my own home with my own time and I am just wondering…. Now what?

I have been a bundle of anger and sadness today. I texted the ex to tell him what the results were on my biopsy and he apparently doesn’t care enough to respond. That hurts me so bad, yet again. I don’t know why I would think he would care? I don’t know why I want him to care.

I think it would be easier if I believed he actually did love me. That I wasn’t just a rebound for him. I hoped that all the sweet romantic sonnets that he sent me every morning were filled with truth. Instead it seems to be more sweet words to catch me. Was there ever meaning or heart in any of it? I feel so very silly for falling as hard as I did for him.

I have feared since the day I started hanging with my single friends that I would end up jaded. It seems to me that maybe I need to be. My mom warned me the other day that my ability to give people 100% of myself was a great quality to have. But, that when it comes to men I need to hold back until I have really gotten to know them. I hate this idea. I hate the idea of holding back a piece of myself for anything or anyone. And yet, recently I have contemplated closing down my blog and I never thought that would be a choice I would make. I hated the pain my blog caused my ex. This blog was never meant to bring others pain. It has only ever been meant for me to release pieces of myself. I have always seen it as a way to get things off my chest. I even had second thought about expressing the pain I have had today, because I didn’t want him to have the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me and is still hurting me. But, then that would be me censoring myself for him, AGAIN!

So, I’m processing… I’m trying. I beat the shit out of my nephews pinata today, (He turned one, he didn’t care) and it felt so good. I am just going to try and keep breathing deeply. I know that I don’t need his love to get by.

Oh well Just another day in Single LoLa-Land

Magik

Today’s act for the Single LoLa cause, I went to a local tarot card reader named Magik. We had a very interesting conversation about my inner soul.   She works in some astrology into what she finds, the whole process is very interesting.  You can be a believer or not it’s all up for interpretation.  I like how she pulls my astrological charts and number against the ones I love and the tarot cards to help guide her in her advice.

There was a lot that came out of this reading and I am going to keep most of it to myself.  However, she did tell me that my previous VOW to being single LoLa was a good  purpose but a bad way to go about it.  She said love is organic and if you try to stop it, it will only eat at you and become something bad.  That I should not stipulate so much about what i am not going to do.  But rather what I am going to do.

I pulled one card, don’t ask me which one, it had lots of swords and had several different reds colors as the backdrop.  She looks at me and says, “Your angry.”

“no” I say, “I’m doing ok. I mean yeah he cheated and he lied and he broke my heart but it was nothing like I went through with the Drunk.   I feel bad for him. I want him to get help.  I just hope he is ok,”

“He, he, he!  Really?  What about you?  When are you going to let yourself see they hurt you!  You need to deal with it.  You are obviously mad at both of them and should be.  But you need to let it out and let it go.” Was her reply.

Wow, am I angry?  I mean YES!  I am angry!  I am pissed Off! How do you get it out?  It helps to call them on their shit. I know Big Red was shocked by my anger.   I don’t go quietly into that good night.  I will always fight back.  Unless I am wrong, if I am wrong I will apologize.

I will say this to Big Red because I know he will read this and that is,

“I am sorry for agreeing to your terms that first weekend.  I was not prepared to be in a relationship.  I know I told you as much but I did not fight hard enough for myself.  I have fought so hard to be where I am and see what life was like alone.  And you swooped in before I could even start trying.  I appreciate the things you did for me.  I know that even though I think you are a Dawg right now, that deep down you have a good heart; you just get lost somewhere.  I will always be thankful for that one night.  It was magical and I will always love you for giving me that.”

Hummmmmmmm……..

Just another day in Single LoLa- Land

Being Single Day #2

For my first act of single hood I had an adult conversation with Big Red and we said goodbye.  What I really wanted was closure and a hug.  I wanted to hug him before I saw him, I missed him so bad.  Then when I saw him I was filled with disgust and anger and I wanted to keep driving.  The heart is so complicated.  I hate being filled with both love and disgust for another human being.  Especially one who is so close to me.

I am a mixed bag right now, of relief and sadness   I miss him so very much and yet I enjoy being able to just be.  I wish him only the best and i don’t know why?  I feel more sorry for him then I do mad.  For me this was another costly learning experience   Do I regret it?  (That question is giving me pause)  I regret what could have been.  If we had just waited.. If we had just been ready.  I know I wasn’t ready.  I know he wasn’t ready!  But, the damage is done.  Even if we both figured it out and took our time that we needed, I don’t think I could ever trust him. 😦

So, I start my new adventure a bit damaged and a bit worse for wear than I was when he came into my life.  On the flip side, I am proud of myself for seeing the signs that I so willingly chose to ignore with the drunk.  This time I knew to brace myself.  This time I am not going to drown myself  in sadness.  This time I will leave with my heart only broken in two rather than a million pieces.  What I need to remember is not to be jaded about love.  I am still hopeful that there is a REAL partner out there who is perfect for me.  I just hope we are both ready when we meet.

Wish me luck

It’s just another day in Single LoLa-Land

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan