Blind 

I wake up each morning  knowing
What I should have seen all along
Your true intentions are showing
How could I have been so wrong

Gone are those funny little texts
All I hear from you are crickets
It all stopped along with the sex
Feeding into my pool of regrets

How could I have been so blind
Actually thinking you were my friend
It’s obvious you have a different side 
I see now that your words were pretend

But, sure let’s talk about your pain
Tell me again why I should feel bad for you
The hypocrisy in your actions is insane
I’m apalled at your words and what you do

Our relationship has been dead for years
You are the one who chose to leave
Why your mourning our death is unclear
But your the victim that’s clear to see

I’m sorry I don’t feel bad for you sweetheart
It’s more like I’m mad at myself
I thought we had more then the phyiscal part
I thought you were someone else

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Drama

I did not allow myself to be sucked back into the bullshit
You were always so quick to blame everything on her
It’s starting to become clear to me that you are full of it
It was you whos intentions were not so pure

I am not blind to your ways anymore
I’ve been around the block a few times since you
I am not going to be crying about you on the floor
Or get pissed off about the stupid things you do

I’ve learned a lot about men this last year or more
I’ve learned a lot about how they think
You may see me standing in front of an open door
Keep the games up and it will be closed in a blink

I don’t handle bullshit with stride any longer
Infact I usually walk away from it damn quick
It doesn’t do anything but make me think stronger
That you’re just a game player and I’m over it

Drama is just not something I have in my life anymore
There’s no space for the stupidity that ensues
I just wanted to be your friend nothing more
I’m already fed up with the things you do

Keep playing this game you’ve got going on
I’m sure it’s a certain type of drama that some feed into
You will be the victim in your eyes when I’m gone 
And then wonder yet again how I could leave you

Gone LoLa

Yes things between us have changed
You were gone for far to long
You broke me for the last time being estranged
I thought you loved me more, I was wrong

Of course I’m not the same woman You left behind
When you left I was in love with you
I couldn’t imagine my world without you by my side
I was devestated you left for someone new

When we were together I just wanted Sunday’s in bed
More cuddle time all wrapped up together
Massages with feathers and sex on counters of glittery red
While not having to fear any upcoming
departure

But you didn’t move away like you said
Changing jobs, homes, shoes and me
You took everything away instead
Taking with you, your heart, care and body

You say you fought hard for our friendship
Still we didn’t speak or see each other for a year
While making yourself the victim of our relationship
And taking from me so much of what I held dear

Yes, I moved way past you in this realm
I lived my life instead of watching it on Facebook
Of course you assume I’m some whore from hell
Your presumptions of me make me want to puke

I cried for you and the loss I felt for awhile
I then I sucked it up and picked myself off the floor
Finally learning how to make myself smile
Suddenly my life was totally mine to explore

I learned so much while you were gone
I discovered I don’t need you or anyone to make me happy
I found a place where I belong
That there is still joy, even with no man standing by me

It was hard to let you in to my life once more
I still had not really gotten used to you, it’s true
It wasn’t long before you were storming back out my door
It’s just, This time I have no interest in chasing after you

Yes, I am a different person then the one you left behind
Now instead of being in love with you, I’m in love with me
I’m sorry if my words hurt, I never set out to be unkind
I kept telling you to move on, but you refused to see

You talk of the magic between us
The special way we touch
I’m sorry those moments are like dust
I don’t really miss them much

You’ve built us up in your head
While systematically making me the enemy 
What we had darling, is dead
Your alone now like you wanted, why aren’t you happy

Nothing’s Chnged 

Why can’t you Just be honest for once
You have no reason to lie
It’s like you’re afraid to be blunt
Or let someone else be the one to decide

You determine your best out come
Then you let out only the information that works for you
You must think woman are just dumb
Or you wouldn’t do the jacked-up things you do

If you’re going to start something fresh
Why not start on solid ground
What you are starting is just a mess
That won’t be good for anyone around

How does she feel about your actions
Or does she know anything at all
Have you only eluded to some fractions
So she doesn’t freak out when you come to call

Would it hurt her too much to know the truth
About all the things you’ve done she’d feel deceived by
What if she were to come accross some proof
Then your lies would be all you have to hide behind

Have you not learned anything from you and me
Did you care at all how your deception made me feel
You only wanted me until you had your new lady
You need to have a backup plan in case things get to real

I’ve been that stupid girl before
Devastated and yet still loving you
It’s hard to watch you hurt her for a score
It’s more then just sex for her but that you knew

She probably imagines you together again
She probably got her hopes up for what could be
It wasn’t her who wanted your relationship to end
I’m sure fucking her will help her tremendously

Then on the side is little o’me, the one you left behind
The one you said you would respect above the rest
Yet, as soon as your chalenged, it’s “oops you slipped my mind”
Again I’m the stupid girl, feeling like she’s worth less

Keep playing your games with woman
Or just make this other lady your number one
As for who gets you in the end, she can win
Whatever you and I had, it is done 

His Wife?

The male nurse came into the room and said, “your wife asked me if I could come see you; what’s up?” 

“What?!” Managment and I both said in unison.  

“You asked me to come in here, right?” the nurse asked, while Looking straight at me. 

“Yes” I responded, “he’s not feeling well”.  Referring to my old friend Managment. I was laying next to his swollen (and not in a good way) body on the hospital bed. 

It was kind of funny. We could tell people were not used to seeing two people laying together in the hospital beds. Because as each nurse, orderly, janitor or Doctor came in they would all get a look of surprise to find me in bed with him. (Nothing sexual at all. I was fully dressed). For some reason it just felt right to lay with him. 

Even though we have spent many moons together.  At this point in our lives, we are not a couple, we are just friends. In fact we met up again after 20 year break while we were both married to other people; but, separated and soon to be divorced.  So, to hear this man call me managments wife, kind of tripped us both out. But, made us both smile very big and laugh a little. 

I can’t speak for management but I was flattered someone saw the closeness in us and thought we were married. I then thought to myself, ” at this point in my life if I were to marry anyone it would likely be him”.  I feel this way because he’s one of my best friends and I have such a great time with him.  But, that’s just not where we are and has never really  been on the table for us.  I guess I’m still tripping on it because I haven’t been anyone’s wife in 4 or 5 years and I have grown very accustomed to the title “LoLa single woman”.  Oh well, he and I know the truth.  

It’s just another hospital visit in LoLa-Land

Bad Behavior In The Sex Store

Yesterday I had the wonderful pleasure of tooling around San Francisco with my ex boyfriend. This is something we used to always do when we were dating. It’s been almost two years since we’ve been able to go SF shopping; So, yesterday was a real treat.  We did what we normally do and a bit more. 

First of all my ex called it “Joey and Jancie’s day of fun” (A FRIENDS sitcom reference). So, I started our day with Janice’s very loud and annoying laugh “HAaaAaaAaaa!!!”, which I think really set the tone. We were then off to go second hand shopping, get some lunch and check out “Good Vibration’s” (a shop that sells most things anyone needs to have fun, kinky or playful sex). 

The sex shop was my destination of choice because I can get one particular itty bitty little toy there, cheaply compared to the store nearest to my home. Even though I was super excited to go to all the other places and just to be able to hang with my lost friend again, the sex store was A must, for me. 

When we arrived at the Good Vibrations, I was al excited and made a beeline straight to the item I needed. I quickly swooped up  four of them. Stating to my ex, “that should last me about a month.” Which made him laugh. (I go through them quickly, but not that quickly. lol).  I asked the sales lady to hold them at the counter for me and then we proceeded to look around and touch everything. 

This store is fun because they take pretty much one of everything out of the boxes and containers so you can feel it. See if it vibrates and what that feels like or see the actual size, etc. You, as a customer are actually prompted to pick things up and get a better look (but not USE).  So, I guess I crossed the line when I  took one of the riding crops out of the bucket and quickly swatted my ex boyfriend in the ass with it. (Something I knew he wouldn’t mind). He laughed and went “woooo”.  But, the lady behind the counter said, “Ma’am”? 

I looked over towards her, not sure if she was talking to me or not (I figured she was), “Ma’am please don’t use the merchandise in the store”.  (And yes, she was talking to me). 

“Sorry” I said and then giggled because honestly it was worth it!  It felt good hitting him, there, in the store, right then. 

We strolled around and looked at more things. We must have spent about 30 minutes or more looking around. Then I saw it!  An adult coloring book! I was so excited! I had to take a picture of it and send it to my coloring friends. 

That’s when I heard the sphincter police from behind the counter again, “ma’am”. 

I looked behind me once again in her direction and was shocked to find her standing right behind me (damn my ears are bad), “Ma’am we ask that you not take pictures in the store.” 

At this point I was both irritated and giddy. I thought the entire thing was so funny.  I wasn’t trying to cause problems. But, damn I was having a good time doing it. At the same time, I do not like being reprimanded, especially over something so silly as coloring book. 

So I smarted off a bit, “well maybe you should follow me around the store and make sure I don’t break anymore of your rules”!

“Ma’am we ask that you not take pictures for the comfort of the other shoppers” she replied. 

“I highly doubt me taking a picture of a coloring book is making ANYONE else here uncomfortable” I protested. 

Again she looks at me and says, “ma’am we ask no one take pictures in the store”. 

“Ok, ok”, I gave in. I figured they would be kicking me out soon. 

I had never meant for there to be an issue or get into any trouble with anyone. I was being playful and having fun and she was just a big bummer. Yes! She was just doing her job and a fine job at that! But, I was uncomfortable when I left and grumpy. 

I wish they sold the same little toy at Mr S’s Leather.  Your just uncomfortable from the second you walk in that store!! From the gay porn playing above and store clerks in speedos, you have no choice but to become less uncomfortable the longer you stay. Until finally you’re talking about nipple clamps with the hairless sales clerk in chapps. 

Oh well just another fun filled day in LoLa-land

Karma’s A Bitch

Managment came over to hang out with me the other night. As usual, it was good to see him. But as we sometimes do, he and I got involved in a rather long heartfelt sometimes painful deap conversation about our tangled past. 

At one point he brought up his Ok Cupid account that he opened and used while he and I were still boyfriend and girlfriend (In case you  don’t know Ok Cupid is a dating site).  He brought up how I ended up opening one of my own dating profiles after he left. He brought up how I even blogged about how I was going to get online to the very same site that my lover was on while pretending to be in love with me, and how pointed that was. The other night, Management looked at me and said, “don’t think I missed the irony in you going on a million dates because of me”.

Interestingly enough, the line between action and karma are extreamly clear here. I never even thought about it til he said that. Yes my intentions were pretty clear when I started the online account but soon after joining, those were forgotten and I was on a fury of dates meeting new men and having a great time doing it. Managment got on site first and says he stayed home each night.  I got on the site and had sometimes two dates a day. And the fact I dated or date so much still makes him angry, which I don’t understand because he was looking first, he left me. However, had he never started his dating site profile while we were together, I would never have jumped on when I did (or may never have) and would have probably been on very few dates. 

I believe in Karma. I believe we get back twice that which we put out. I believe karma works in a negative or positive way. I was devestated when I went online last November. And having men actually respond to me really helped me feel better about being betrayed. At the same time, the fact that it is now a year and a half later and Managment still gets upset when he hears me talk about other men I see. And he still get upset that  I’ve gone out with so many men, essentially because of him; and, I just don’t understand why?  But I do think the entire thing is karmic. 

Personally, I’d rather he not care who I dated at all. I’d rather him not have any pain with regards to my social life. I don’t want him to be in pain, especially with regards to something so insignificant. But I find it interesting that he still tortures  himself about it. 

Karmas a Bitch sometimes. 

The Managment Reflection 

Hanging with my ex boyfriend lately has been kind of a trip. It’s not like it was before. I’m not complaining its nice to see my old friend again. But, I’m struck by the differences and how they seem to be effecting us (or at the very least me). 

Now when he talks about moving away or being with someone else, someone who can fulfill his wants and needs, I don’t get scared.  I used to be filled with fear when he discussed his true Desires to me because I knew I could never process those same wants. Which in turn (and did) end us (along with several Other reasons). When he talks about moving I think to myself “oh I hope he’s happy and I get to see him occasionally”. Before when we were dating and he brought up moving, I would be filled with dread and worry. I would wonder to myself, “LoLa why on earth are you letting your heart get strung out on this guy if he’s just going to leave you”?

One of the biggest changes I’ve noticed is our sexual chemistry. It feels like we suddenly have none. We’ve ALWAYS Had sexual chemistry. From the first night I met him when I was 19 and we were at a sound studio in Tiburon, we sparked.  We had a definite electric current that ran between us. When we saw each other after not seeing each other for 20 years, I was fresh off a run and he straight out of bed; and we had chemistry. When he came to a play with me and my nieces and I was seeing someone else. His leg brushed mine and I got chills all up my spine. After I broke up with that other man and he and I sat on the beach talking, he suddenly kissed me and I became instantly wet from his lips. He has always had a certain way with me that I can not explain. 

Yet, now I’ve seen him three times, since not talking for six months and there has only been a warm fuzzy feeling. A feeling of missing him and Glad to see him. A feeling of Hopefulness for our rekindled  friendship and sadness around our past, all wrapped into just trying to be in the moment.

I’m glad there is no sexual tension between us because that is not the route I want to go. I know how it’s ended for me before (oh so many times). It is just not a route that works for me anymore. But, I do so enjoy his company and our delightful stupid banter that we do. 

I’m just going to keep taking each moment with him as they come and try not to read too much into anything? But, it makes me wonder why? Where did that sexual energy go? Is it gone for good or just on a back burner? Is there just to much pain for either of us to ever go there again? Did we use the sexual desires up for each other already? Or are we just in way different places right now and we just need to be there to support one another?

Just another heart questioning day in LoLa-Land

I Don’t Think He Believes Me

I don’t think he believes me
When I say “don’t ever do this to me again”!
If he looked in my eyes he could see
That there was no humor in what I said to him

I have not taken what happened lightly
I have not been alright with his decisions
I won’t bend in the future even slightly
If he finds himself asking for permission

Our friendship is one I simply won’t budge on
We have been through way too much together
It’s never ok to let someone else say we’re wrong
Or letting them stop us from seeing each other

In my eyes I’ve been very forgiving
I’ve tried to understand his tuff spot
The fact we are still friends is confirming
That I have always loved him a lot

That was the last time I will ever put up with that shit
I don’t care how amazing his next lover may be
If he lets another lover determine our friendship
I’ll pretend he is dead and he will never hear from me

I forgive him for the past, as I have done before
But, forgiving him for not being my friend
It’s something I am not prepared to do anymore
Right now is where that forgiveness ends

So let me say these words to him very clearly
“I am here to love you and support you forever
But If you ever allow another to define you and me
The next time you feel my love will be never” 

His Secret Blog 

We can’t talk but through his secret blog
His woman won’t let him even speak to me
I guess being friends is considered wrong
It’s a situation that leave me feeling empty

I find out how he is from his speratic posts
Trying to decipher his ramblings
The way we stay in touch is like passing notes
Us having time together is not happening

It drives me crazy not spending time with him
Just finding out how he is from the Internet
There’s a distance between us that will never end
As long as his lover controls our commitment

He writes in his secret blog just for me
He tells me all of his woes
I can’t react to him just simply read
what he writes about is all I know

He writes about how much he misses me
He writes about his travels
He writes about how he is physically
How he sees it all unravel

It makes me feel small that this is all we’ve become
Words on a page is all I get from him
We’ve become so much less then our sum
In the end his woman is the only one who wins

As hard as I try to pretend he is dead
As much as I try to not read his words
“How is he now” comes into my head
As we live our lives in different worlds

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan