You’re Depressed So I’m Out Of Here!

“I’m so confused. I’m The only guy that cares about your feelings And I’m the one you feel hurt by? I think you have stuff going on, depression or other stuff? And the stuff your into and are doing right now is just not for me. So, I just stay away!”

One of my good friends sent this to me after I texted him, “your absence is hurting my feelings, why haven’t you called me back”?  I almost had to start laughing at his response. I’m not “in-to” anything! I’m not depressed either! I’m stressed and all I’m “in-to” is piles of work!

The last time I saw him or talked to him, was when we had gone to a party together with some of my friends.  People who I  hadn’t seen in awhile and he was so rude to all of them. He wouldn’t talk to anybody and wouldn’t even sit down. He wanted to go after an hour. Meanwhile,  I kept getting pulled into deep conversations with friends I hadn’t talked to in moons.  So, I think for the first time ever since we’ve known each other, I was not able to give him 100% of my attention. Maybe he felt left out? I don’t know? I tried to involve him in our conversations but he just ignored everyone. (Does any of this Make sense as to why he would think I’m depressed or on something???  No, not to me either!) 

None of it makes sense to me. And of course He won’t elaborate either.  I think I had three HardMikes over a 6 hour period that night, so I wouldn’t say I have a drinking problem. I can’t figure out where he got these ideas about my wellbeing? But, here’s what I do find interesting, as much as he seems to “care” for me (and tells me as much), “I’m the only guy who cares about you” he also thinks I’m depressed and he’s choosing this time to stay away from me.?!

That’s so caring! Really? If I think my friends have a problem  with depression I get closer to them, to try and pull them out of it. I don’t walk away because, “it’s not my thing…” What the Fuck is that? That’s not care, that’s abandonment.  Other than this text, my friend refuses to give me anymore reasoning behind his absence and refuses to tell me what he thinks I’m, “in-to”. Leaving me unable to defend myself except to say, “I’m not in-to anything and I’m not depressed.” (Of course it’s hard to prove this to someone when they won’t respond to you.) 

Normally I would chase him down and fight with him until I was sure that he realized he was wrong. But, I just don’t have the energy anymore to chase anyone. If someone can walk away from me that easily, without even a good reason or a reason they can follow up with some facts, then as far as I know, they never really cared about me in the first place and I don’t need to be surrounded by more people who don’t care about me. 

Just another departure from someone I thought loved me here in LoLa-Land. (I’m getting used this move.)

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The Breeder

This Morning the sweetheart finally came over to pick up his very irritated (and I don’t blame them) chickens. With him came his new girlfriend. He is just head over heals for this woman because she can breed and wants to breed ASAP!  She seemed like a perfectly nice woman but I was unfair in my personal thoughts of her. 

For example, She said to me, ” thank you so much for taking care of the chickens for us. We really appreciate it”.  ( I was thinking, “honey I don’t know who the fuck your are, don’t pull the “us” out on me. I did this for my ex boyfriend because I love him and it had nothing to do with you), what I said was, “of course! I would do anything for the sweetheart (really I used his name. I didn’t call her boyfriend sweetheart), he and I do a lot for each other”. 

I wasn’t looking to get into a pissing match with her. If I have learned anything this year about men; It’s that the pussy is more important than anything else.  So, if his “us”-dropping-breeder wants to start getting all possessive because of me, I’ll lose another best friend. So, of course I had to stay cool. I gave her accalaids and I appreciated her beauty. I even acknowledge their relationship when I   Said, “the chickens have missed you mom and dad!” When they pulled up.   

I did my part in being polite.  But deep down I wanted to hate her. When she told my ex to get the broom from me and do the sweeping himself and he jumped up to do it,I wanted to puke, then I wanted to defend him and tell her, “I can handle sweeping!  You don’t need to boss him around!” but instead,  I said nothing. In my eyes he’s always been such a strong brooding man I would have never ordered him around like that but what do I know,  I’m not a breeder. 

Just another non-breeding day in LoLa-Land 

Free Garage Chickens For Sale!

I love the “sweetheart”, he knows it and I know he loves me.  I wouldn’t say either of us are in love with the other. But, we do refer to each other as our spouses. He is my  pseudo-husband and I am pseudo-wife. We call each other this because ever since we were dating each other we have always been their for one another.  I know I can count on him for pretty much anything at anytime and visa a versa. So, when he asked me to chick sit I didn’t even hesitate to say “yes”.  

Originally when he proposed I chick sit for him for a few days, to a week, he had four cute baby chicks in a brown box under a heat lamp in his home. They were adorable  and I loved the little chirping sounds they’d make. I said, “of course! I can put them in the living room”.  However, when he brought the chicks to me, he had transferred them into a larger makeshift wood and mesh coop. The coop has an opening in the top so I could feed them. He left this chicken prison in my garage because it’s so big, we could not get the damn thing through any of my house doors.  

Chicks on arrival

 

I didn’t mind helping “the sweetheart” out because I know he would do the same for me. But, things are starting to get a little out of control! 
It’s been two weeks! And I’m not sure when he’s coming home.  He left for work and his job just keeps getting postponed and jacked up.  Last I heard they had to bulldoze everything down and start over.  I asked him, “babe! When are you coming home?” His exact words were, “I don’t know”.  So, Now I literally don’t know what to do!? 

I feel horrible for these chickens! It’s hot and dark in my garage.  They are living in a box full of shit that they are literally out growing it;  They have gotten so big! They refuse to stand on the coops floor because it’s so crapped on and caked with food. He left me with no means to clean their cage (because he didn’t think I would have to) and I’m not sure how I would, with them in the it. 

I can tell they hate being in their box from hell. They have all grown so big that when I put my hand in the cage to fill up the water, I get pecked at.  They have tried to fly out of the top of the cage and have come full wing-span at my face.  I start screaming every time because I’m so freaked out by their attacks.  I know  they just want out of this prison their in, I really can’t blame them. But, when they fly at me I feel like I’m in some horror show, like the twilight zone. 

They have started protesting as well. They now knock over their water bowls almost as soon as I fill them up. I think it’s in elaborate escape plan. They just want me to open their prison doors more often. They have figured out how to rattle me! Chickens may not be that stupid after all! (Or they are and they just keep jumping into their water bowls and knocking them over, I don’t know?)  

The smell is horrible. I can smell chicken shit when I’m sitting in my living room. I try to leave the big garage door open when ever I can, for as long as I can, just to get some fresh air in. But, people get robbed in my neighborhood all the time. I try to leave the light on for them for most of the day so they don’t get scared.  Now I’m worried I’m going to get rats. I’ve seen them in the streets but never in my home or in my garage.  

Needless to say I’m a little freaked out by all of this and I really want to be done being the mother hen.  I told “the sweetheart” that I was going to have a ” chiken sale” or just let them free in my neighborhood.  He wasn’t to cool with either of my suggestions. His being, ” take them to my house!” 

Like, 1- I could get the coop in my small economy car. 2- are the chicks ready for the great out doors and finding their own food and shelter?

(I really am the worried mother hen, oy!). The funny thing is if these chickens can just stay alive and safe until “the sweetheart” gets home, they will end up having very sweet lives. He will let them roam free on his property all day and make sure they are safe in their coop at night no matter what.  All he expects in return is eggs and quite frankly I expect some now too. 

  
Just another crazy few weeks in LoLa-Land

She Can’t Have Babies

Have I ever shared with you all, why things between the sweetheart and I didn’t work out?  He is in his very late 30’s and wants children more than anything else in the world.  I think even more then he wants to really be in love.  I am unable to have children.  Even though we got along very well he and I, the sweetheart would never open his heart completely to me because of it. He replaced me for someone who could breed and has quickly started changing his world for her, pretty much since the day after he and I called it quits. 

Yes it hurts me to see that in two short months he has allowed her to redecorate his home and they speak of marriage and their eventual litter of kids.  Yet, he and I remain close and are good friends.  In fact he says the only reason romantically, it didn’t work out for us is because I can’t have kids. He told me when we got together he wanted them and I wasn’t surprised when ultimately that’s why he decided to leave. He has assured me that he would have stayed with me if I could just have kids. 

His new fertile woman is well aware of me and though she was jealous in the beginning she quickly stopped worrying, because the sweetheart told her, ” LoLa is one of my closest friends.  she has helped me through some really hard times. And she can’t have kids.”  That information has been enough to not have her become jealous and possessive. 

I’ve never heard ” she can’t have kids” come up so often, as it does when I’m around the sweetheart.   The decision to get my tubes tide was made by my ex husband and I, years ago.  At the time we were still happily married.  It can be reversed with surgery, but I don’t want to reverse it.  I am almost 42 years old, I don’t want or have the energy for a baby in my world.  But it saddens me that a decision I made years ago changed the possible course of where I may have gone now.   
When ever I feel jealous or hurt by something that the sweatheart says about his feelings for his new woman, he always feels bad right away and hugs me and then reminds me.  “I’m sorry this hurts you. You know I have strong feelings for you and really care about you.  But you can’t have babies!”  Hearing that used to roll off the back of my shoulders like “no big deal” but now since I’ve probably heard it said about 50 times said, to me, about me and In front of me, it just feels like a stab in the heart.  

No I can’t have babies. But I have to know that  at some point a man will come into my life who doesn’t want babies but does want love and even more so, he wants me. 

Just another baby-less day in LoLa-Land

A Horse Of Course

  I’m having a relationship with a horse of course. (And no not in some sort of romantic sense). My ex boyfriend, boards this big horse named Savoy.  He is a big guy much like my ex boyfriend, the slope of his back is above my eye level. I find it quite intimidating when he stands next to me. And even more so intimidating when he’s trotting towards me. 

  But, Savoy always stops short of knocking me down and gets right up Close to me so that I can feel his Body hair on my skin. He loves to nudge me with his mammoth head and it knocks me off balance every time. And every time he does it I giggle like a school girl. I like that he seems to want my attention. (Thank god something does).  

  One of my favorite things to do is to brush him and give him treats. It’s a ritual thing I do when ever I see my ex. It brings peace to my heart while relaxing me too. And I think Savoy enjoys it aswell. I will talk to savoy like he is a person. I will walk around his pen while I tell him about my day and he walks along with me. I love to stand in his favorite spot in the corner under a tree. It’s always shadey and has the best view.    

   
I always look forward to Seeing Savoy. I get excited when I know I will see him soon. Even though the sweetheart and I are no longer together, he still lets me come over so I can get my time in with the Savoy. Maybe that’s because when we broke up I pretty much said, “fine! But I’m still coming to see Savoy!” I think I love that horse more than him or maybe he thinks Savoy loves me too? 

Finding Two New Chicks For My Man

I was hanging with one of my younger nieces this weekend when I got a very sad call from the man I’m seeing.  He seemed really very down and I could tell he was really upset just by his tone.  He said to me very softly, ” they’re both dead. Both my chicks died”. He sounded so defeated I didn’t know what to say.

” WHAT! What do you mean they died!” I protested.

“I don’t know babe, I went out to their home that I made for them and they were both dead!  I think they got too cold last night. But I got them new bedding and everything. I don’t know?! I feel so bad! I killed them!” He sounded so depressed.

” oh honey you didn’t mean to kill them!” I declared.

I had to go and run some errands. I told my neice who was with me what he said and she and I agreed we had to help him feel better. So we went down to the local feed store and picked him up two of the cutest damn three day old chicks you’d ever seen.

  

We found out exactly what they needed to stay alive and even picked up some horse food for the horse.  My mans face was so sweet when we dropped the chicks off to him. When he saw what we got for him he was so awestruck by our gift, I thought he would cry.

Thankfulky he did not cry, because my neice would have been uncomfortable by that.  instead this very sweet man took those chicks and lovingly gave them a nice box in his home where they could stay around 99 degrees.  I never thought I’d ever get a man I’m sleeping with another chick, and most definitely not two chicks.

Times they are a changing!

Cluck cluck

I Had It

Have you ever seen that movie “French kiss”? You know with Meg Ryan in the 90’s. ” beautiful!! Wish you were here!” ( ring a bell). She’s  searching  all over France for her fiancé who has just left her, only to find her own new French love. No, I didn’t find a French man.  No, I didn’t have some wild goose chase looking for my ex.  I had the very, very end. I had sunsets over the sweeping hills of vineyards while making out with my lover, as he and I stood in between the green rows of lush grapes. I had him clutching my center as his kiss got more and more intense. I had someone holding my hand as we walked in all that beauty.  

I had flowers cut or given to me every single time he saw me, I was never his after thought.  Wether he was working at home or out on a job he would pick me what ever flowers he could find, arrange them in a vase and then strategically place them in whatever place he thought made them look the prettiest. ( This man should have been a florist). While driving He would sometime even pull over on the side of the road and pick any flowers he saw there for me.  I love flowers, it made me feel so special that he did this for me.  

I had romantic dates every night I was with him, where he would build me a fire outside so I could be warm under the starry night skies. I would watch him make me gourmet meals that burst with flavor in my mouth.  All I would have to do is watch him and keep him company or occasionally assist.  My favorite was making homemade pizzas in the wood burning oven. 

I had romance! I had the things that I used to see in movies and cried about because I knew I would never have any of those things happen to me. I had the “aaawwww” feeling so many times I was with him, I was in heaven.  I felt like I was finally in a relationship that gave me all of those romantic aspects I had always desired, and I was falling fast and hard for him because of it.  Sadly things weren’t perfect, as no relationship is. But, me not being able to have children was a deal breaker for mr romantic. 

But I had it!  Even for just a short period of time, I actually had the ” make you weak at your knees romance ” and I loved and appreciated every moment of it.  I’m sad it didn’t work out with this sweatheart of a man. But knowing that there are still thoughtful romantic men out there, makes me hope that one day, I will find Another romantic man who loves me just the way I am. 

   
     

I’m going to miss you sweetheart! 

Missing Him

My heart is all fluttery and jumpy
I can’t seem to calm the beating down
I’ve missed him since he left me
And our happy bubble burst on the ground.

My hearts beating like a new base drummer
A kid struggling to find his own beat
Having him leave me has been a real bummer
I’m saddened by his quick defeat

I know why my hearts skips this way
I didn’t want to admit it to him though
I was falling in love with him more each day
It’s tough to now just suddenly let him go

I will have to unattach from him for a spell
Let my longing for him subside
I will miss his arms and his stories as well
I’m sad our relationship has already died

Do You Really Mean It

“Do you really mean it?” He asked

“Well of course. I wouldn’t have said it or, asked for it, if I didn’t really want it or mean it” She replied.

“Is that a bad thing?” She asked “for me to Ask you that? Or ask that of you, is it bad?”

He chuckles and looks to the ground while he shakes his stubborn head, then he looks back at her and says; “If you mean it, then there’s nothing wrong with asking. I’m just not used to it. Woman always say they would ask for it but never do”

“Does it upset you that I am not like other woman?” She asks him.

“No, no I rather prefer it” he replies, “it’s just, sometimes you shock me and I am surprised by your comments or questions.”

“Does that upset you?” She keeps on with her questions of him.

“It doesn’t upset me, it keeps me on my toes. It’s not something I expect to hear when I’m going to feed the horse. But,  I find it alluring as hell!” Suddenly giving her the look. As if he Just realized what her original request was.
She giggled knowing what he was thinking. “Maybe the horse could wait like 20 minutes?” She asks sheepishly, while biting her lower lip.

“You kill me when you do that you know?  I want to chew on it. Maybe the horse could wait an hour”  He was taunting her with his words while he slowly walked back threw the garden towards her.

“I’m not done watering the vineyard?” She said.

“I don’t care about the grapes right now. I want to make sure your request is taken care of” was the last thing he said before he grabbed her hand and pulled her down the hallway to the bedroom.

Dragging behind him, pointing to the vineyards while she protested, “I didn’t think you would be hungry again?” But the entire time she was feeling oh so joyful that he was willing to stop his chores for her.

Sugar Mama

My man, sweatheart that he is, loves to refer to me as his “sugar mama”.   He Is always quick to tell me that he will expect me to pay his bills and pay his mortgage, in return he will provide me sex; Lots and lots of sex!!!   He says this like its some sort of fabulous offer and since it’s only being offered to me, I need to jump on it, fast!! (No pun intended ).

Now don’t get me wrong I like sex just as much as the next guy. (Yes, I said guy, even though I am a woman, because my sex drive is much like that of a 27 year  old man) I am not one to turn down an offer of some really fantastic frolic in the sak (or anywhere else for that matter), but; this offer of his seems to be a win/win for him and a win/lose for me.  He will have all sorts of joys with his physical portion of the agreement as well as not having any financial debts to work for. Where as I could find myself out thousands a month.  I can see why he would suggest such a deal. It works out well for him.

“Oh yeah” ( seriously he talks like he from Canada, I don’t know why?) he says, “you are my sugar mama and I don’t have to work anymore!  No more 6am to 8 pm for me! I’m just gonna play in the dirt on my land, while you pay all the bills,  ok?” (Of course while he’s saying this to me he plunking down the cash for our dinner).  He continues, “all I gotta do mama” (I’m thinking, call me “mama” one more time!) “is just give you lots of orgasims and then I will have my sugar mama forever!!!!”

At this point I’m dyeing laughing and then as in normal LoLa fashion I have to egg him on even further. “Oh am I your Sugar Mama? Ok I’ll pay your bills. Let’s see I have $300 to my name you can have it all? That’s how much I like you.  That should cover it right? The mortgage, and  the other bills?  Ok, now that we have that worked out, let’s get to your portion of the agreement!”

” Wo wo wo. Wait a second!!!$300!!!!  That’s not gonna pay for enough. I want a new hot tub too, let’s not forget the tub!” He demands.

“What’s with all your demands man? I’m still waiting for you to follow through with your side of the deal.” I object with my hands firmly placed on my hips.  “I have no more than $300 you can’t have the hot tub”

” I don’t know what we’re going to do?  That simply will not do! You have to make more.”

This is our shtick. I am his very broke sugar mama and apparently he is my very underpaid gigolo and it works for us.

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

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2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
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His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan