Being Single Day #2

For my first act of single hood I had an adult conversation with Big Red and we said goodbye.  What I really wanted was closure and a hug.  I wanted to hug him before I saw him, I missed him so bad.  Then when I saw him I was filled with disgust and anger and I wanted to keep driving.  The heart is so complicated.  I hate being filled with both love and disgust for another human being.  Especially one who is so close to me.

I am a mixed bag right now, of relief and sadness   I miss him so very much and yet I enjoy being able to just be.  I wish him only the best and i don’t know why?  I feel more sorry for him then I do mad.  For me this was another costly learning experience   Do I regret it?  (That question is giving me pause)  I regret what could have been.  If we had just waited.. If we had just been ready.  I know I wasn’t ready.  I know he wasn’t ready!  But, the damage is done.  Even if we both figured it out and took our time that we needed, I don’t think I could ever trust him. 😦

So, I start my new adventure a bit damaged and a bit worse for wear than I was when he came into my life.  On the flip side, I am proud of myself for seeing the signs that I so willingly chose to ignore with the drunk.  This time I knew to brace myself.  This time I am not going to drown myself  in sadness.  This time I will leave with my heart only broken in two rather than a million pieces.  What I need to remember is not to be jaded about love.  I am still hopeful that there is a REAL partner out there who is perfect for me.  I just hope we are both ready when we meet.

Wish me luck

It’s just another day in Single LoLa-Land

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New Reactions

I’ve been noticing a certain spontaneous physical reaction that I get ever since ” the drunk ” and I broke up. When ever I am with someone or even talking to someone on the phone and they start to get really worked up about something; If they have a lot of negative energy around the subject or what ever they may be saying to me is followed with some angst, I physically start to get scared. I actually start to get an elevated heart rate. My breathing becomes more intense. I will start to focus on taking long deep breaths. I start to depend on the oxygen for strength.
I know why this happens to me now. I know what it was that happened that made me suddenly start being scared by people who are upset. I am not sure if its a bad or good thing yet. I know I don’t like the way I feel. I don’t like that I suddenly feel insecure. But I do like that I’m aware of this obvious reaction to my uncomfortableness. It’s not always apparent to me when I’m affected by something. I rather like having a response that allows me to see my true feelings in those intense moments? It’s pretty cool knowing how my body or how my true souls feeling about a situation with out having to walk away and process it first.
All I know is that I need to leave the situation as soon as possible, so I do.

Are You My friend?

Are you my Friend? He wonders
As he starts to think of her once more
Even though he said good-bye to her
So many times before.

Are you my friend? he asks
Just two months after walking away
She is sick of his pathetic Masks
That he puts on to get her to stay

Are you my friend? he wants to know
He just realized he needed her
When she held on tight, he let her go
A pain she alone endured

Are you my friend?
The question rakes her mind
He’s got a hold on all of her nerve ends
leaving her blind

Are you my friend? a simple text?
Is he reaching out for a reason?
All she keeps thinking is “What’s Next?
His mood changes before the seasons.

Are you my friend? He implores
As she ignores his expected call
She is sick of him showing her the door
Because of some stupid little flaws.

Are you my friend? She scoffs!
Who the hell does he think he is?
It was him that told her to fuck off
Instead of helping her maintain the bliss

Are you my friend? he wonders.
Waiting to see what she is going to do
Are you my friend? Her heart flutters
“no” she realizes, she hates him; but, loved him once too

High School Returns

The craziest thing happened to me this week. I had my ex boyfriend contact me out of the blue. It has been months since we have seen each other or spoken to one another. I had heard through the grapevine that he was engaged. So when I saw his text pop up I responded, this was a big mistake. We texted back and forth over the day. He said he missed me and he wanted me to come see him. I told him I couldn’t and congratulations on the pending nuptials and he said he was no longer engaged. Then he asked me to come see him again. He still loves me and that he missed me. (Honestly I had heard it all before, just like I heard, “be Well” as he was walking out the door many times before. ). These simple, sweet, enduring texts went back and forth for a bit and then he was gone. (I figured he either had woman over or he was passed out)

At 10:00pm that night he texts me, (Saving the identity to protect the guilty) “……… Is engaged. Silly, Hu?”

Then

“Why would ……. Be contacting his ex if he is engaged?”

I pretty much knew at this point that it was his fiancé on the end and not him. I felt no loyalty to this man, he has hurt me far more than he has loved me. So, I answered her honestly. I told her the truth because even though this felt like high school I was not worried about a group of girls deciding they hated me or getting beat up. I just discovered that my Ex was STILL a low-life-lying-cheating jerk. It wasn’t like I was going to cover his ass. She was polite and thanked me for my time and that was it.

6:40 am I guess he woke up, and i can’t imagine what was going on. Maybe she left him? Maybe she stayed and said look at what your stupid ex wrote? Maybe they both had a great laugh at my expense? Who knows, I don’t really care either. What I do know is that the first words out of his mouth to me were, “you’re a douche”. Gone were the sweet enduring proclamations of his love. Gone were the begging texts to come join him.

Anyone I know would be highly upset by this entire situation. Whereas I found it all very expected and could almost call each play that was made, who needs a handbook? The only oddity for me was her contacting me. I wished she had asked me more questions than she did. I wish she had asked if he ever made any passes at me while they were together? I would have told her about June. I would have told her that he lied to me then too, and told me that they were broken up (as her shoes laid at me feet). He also told me his mother died, when she hadn’t. When all that failed he actually pulled down his pants exposing himself only to show me some pathetic little boy toy. (This I saw as my time to go). But she didn’t ask any of this and I didn’t tell.

As for him, after getting the douche text, I put him in his place very harshly. I believe there were several four letter words in there. His response to me was “fuck you fatty!” Which made me laugh outright for two reasons. One because I am in some of the best shape of my life. Two because it was obvious to me that he had no argument against me. So instead of attacking the argument he tried to attack me. I was glad when he finally stopped texting. I am quite sure he will leave me alone for a while. I will never know what she decided to do. But, considering how good he is in the honeymoon stage, I am sure he will win her back. I am just as sure that he will lose her again after that. Whatever happens I really hope he just leaves me out of it.

Weird Dreams

I remembered my dreams last night.  I never remember my dreams.  There were two in particular that stuck with me.  The dreams  seemed so incredibly real, that I was still dealing with the emotional fallout when I woke up.  In one dream I was at some gathering with my Ex Boyfriend and we were talking as friends.  But, all night there was a bantering and flirting between us.  We kept rallying an “almost kiss”  back and forth.  One of us looking at the other with that “I’m going to get you” look, while the other would back away.  Finally it was me who did the full lunge for a kiss and he backed way back and whispered, “I’m still with her”.  I instantly recoiled and then the dream ended.  I remember feeling a bit sad  and confused when I woke up.   I didn’t know why I would dream of him suddenly?  I didn’t know why I would want a kiss?  Ultimately I think it had less to do with either of those issues; but rather the issue of never being available.   When he whispered what he said I was more frustrated then before, that was the trigger moment in my dream.   When we were together I never felt like he gave us a real chance.

The second dream had to do with my brother, who is handicapped and living in a home.  I dreamt that he was locked in a bathroom that had piles of shit and piss all over the floor, and he was stuck on the toilet in the middle of it all.  It looked much like his room at the care facility he lives in.  The room was narrow with a TV, cupboards and a window at the end.  I was very upset to see this and instantly became enraged,  I said, “How long have you been in here?”

He replied, “I don’t know”

I ended up going into this entire wild goose chase trying to get a wheel chair from the, “suddenly” evil people who lived in the home.   That process felt like it took forever, but I finally got the chair and was able to get him out of the nasty bathroom.  I literally was kicking piles of human crap out of my way to get his wheelchair in the narrow room.  Finally I got him out of there and then my dream ended.  I felt very irritated about the situation.  I was disgusted for my brother and felt sorry for him aswell.  I was angry I couldn’t do more about the situation.  This dream is clear to me,  I feel like my brother has a shit life and it’s very hard for me to do anything about it.

Leaving Again

There you go walking away again

 

I’ve seen this move so many times

I have the curves of your backside memorized

 

Your face is a Pollock painting

 

It looks beautiful from a far but your not sure what it is

Upon closer examination all you can see is chaos  on a canvass

 

Your almost a stranger to me

 

If I saw you walking down the street I’m not sure I would recognize you

I would have to turn you around to get a familiar view

 

Next time you walk back out my door

 

Don’t expect it will be unlocked when you try to come back in

I’m used to seeing you leave and I’m happy to watch you go again

 

 

With Fingers crossed

When you said you loved me your fingers were crossed

You said the words but all the meaning was lost

When you said you missed me you were winking

As I tried to figure out what you were thinking

“Love” and “Miss” meant nothing to you

They’re something to say, like they’re something to do

Believing your words was a stupid thing

They left me unprepared for the inevitable sting

They left me hoping for a magical time

They made me think everything was fine

You said you’d would love me forever with your fingers crossed

All chance for decency was trampled, along with this heart you tossed.

Becoming a STAT

You looked surprised to see me
though you called me out, an hour before
You looked at me like I was just a dream
Some Angel that just walked through your door

It was sweet how happy you were to see me
It made me miss you just a bit more
But I was scared to death with all I could see
surprised you weren’t lying dead on the floor

It reminded me of another time
A time when death was taunting
He came out of a coma, he wasnt fine
The death in his eyes was haunting

As if someone came and stole his soul
Took over his brain and left him speechless
Death is now waiting for you at the door
The difference is, this is all your decision

You pour the poison into your body
You lay in wait in your own piss
For you life is just a hobby
And love is as easy as a kiss

You’ve been sick for so long you don’t even see it
You don’t recall what made you even start
All you care about is getting your alcohol fix
It’s your focus from dawn until dark

This stories been told before, it’s not a new song
This time was different because you looked near dead
How much can you take, you’ll be gone before long
Why can’t you release the demons in your head

I didn’t know what to do for you,
I still don’t know what to say
I want so bad to see you through
To see you make the change

I wanted to run away that day
I couldn’t bear to see you like that
I wanted to slap you into seeing things my way
Do you see your on your way to becoming a STAT?

Flamingo Dance

You’re a certain kind of Asshole
One that has no idea what he wants
You travel to the only beat you know
Your ideas are all you have to flaunt

Your pretty feathers are just a rouge
Underneath you are prickly and tough
How can you sleep knowing what you do?
When will the pain you cause be enough?

You preach about how good you are
You boast about the love you feel
As you flirt with others from a far
While demanding that your love is real

You remind me of a flamingo
Confidently dancing around
Everything you do is just for show
Please put your head in the ground

You find joy in teasing those around you
You think it’s fun to play with people’s feelings
You never consider the pain you put them through
Or try to help them with some healing

You skirt around the hard questions
Knowing full well what is being asked of you
You stay “reserved” from beginning to end
All the while looking for something new

You remind me of a flamingo
Confidently dancing around
Everything you do is just for show
Please put your head in the ground

You have stayed too long in this place
Your song has been played too many times
Your heart is missing, nothing is left in its place
And all the lies you tell have combined

Take your one-legged form away from here
As pretty as you may seem
Your ugliness is not appreciated dear
For your abuse, there is just no need

You remind me of a flamingo
Confidently dancing around
Everything you do is just for show
Please put your head in the ground
Please just put your head in the ground and stay there

“At the Waters Edge”

It is a warm night
Clear and crisp
All the stars are in sight
Alone with you in our bliss

It’s not to hot or cold
The air around us is sweet
A mixture of pollen and mold
from the flowers at our feet

I’m intoxicated by your smell
A duo of musk and beer
“Do you like me” I wish I could tell
“What if I fall for him?” is my fear

We walk to the water’s edge
You take care that I don’t slip
We go down the stairs, around the hedge
Then past the wild tulips

Slowly we maneuver the trees
You hold the branches to let me pass
I could tell you were taking care with me
It felt like time was going way to fast

“It won’t be long now
The end will come
It will all disappear some how
You’ll be gone before the sun

You want me to go in the water
Blackness is all that could be seen
“Are you a shy girl?” I am not her
So I proceed to remove my jeans

The water is cold to my skin
It feels like being wrapped in silk
You reached for me to help me in
The moss between my toes is slick

We climb onto a small wood dock
Using a turned over canoe as a seat
As black birds fly above in a flock
And the frogs frolic at our feet

The moon sheds silver all around
You look at me with a wanting stare
I suddenly wished I was on solid ground
“Would he kiss me? would he Dare?”

“It won’t be long now
The end will come
It will all disappear some how
You’ll be gone before the sun“‘

I know it’s going to happen
I feel it in your movement
Our energy feels like magic
This is the prefect moment

You pull me close, you hold me tight
You wrap your hands in my curly hair
There is something special in the air tonight
We have not a worry, not a care

Seeing only your left side
As you look intently at me
Your lips gently touch mine
I am suddenly weak in the knees

Your lips are simply wonderful
Your arms feel strong around me
As I hope your intentions are pure
My body trembles in defeat

But I know it won’t be long now
The end is sure to come
It will all disappear some how
You’ll be gone before the sun

And you were.

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan