Weird Experiance #376

I went over to my ex husbands house (which just happens to be my old house) early this morning to pick up something he had borrowed from me.  My ex was away with his girlfriend but I have a key still.  While I was there I started talking to his roommate D.  D rents out my old office and was just chillin in her pjs. D, just happens to be one of my friends.  In fact I asked him if she could rent the room.  But, lately, her and my relationship has been strained and I was unsure what was going on with us, but I knew it was not good. 

So, I’m sitting outside on the front porch having a very hard heart to heart with my friend and the things we are saying are kind of awkward and touchy.  We are both trying hard to speak from our hearts and not out of anger. When all of a sudden my cat who I left behind when I moved sneezed (she actually has allergies).  She was sitting under D’s chair and all I could think is, “oh god I hope D didn’t just get snotted on”.

Then the weirdest thing happened and I felt like I slipped into some time warp, back in time and for  a brief moment it was my porch again; just like it had been for 14 years. And I was living there having a uncomfortable conversation with a friend of mine who was over. And I was apologizing for my guest being snotted on. My chest felt waited instantly (that’s how I usually felt when I was there) and I was very perplexed over feeling both extreamly at ease as well as Sick to my stomach.   Then I looked at D and saw that she was just sitting in her PJ’s and I sort of came to and realized that this is now and that was the past.

It shocked me just How easy it was to slip back into my past reality.  Again, I lived there with my ex for 15 years.  It makes sense, I mean at one point, I had three stay at home businesses.  I spent hours upon hours on that front porch.   I told D right then I was trippen out a bit and she just snickered at me.  Then I left to go get my groceries and was very happy to find my way back to my new home. 

Just another weird day in LoLa-Land

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Awkward Feeling

Last night one of my nieces graduated and the entire family was there.  Even though My Wasbund is not a part of the family anymore by marriage, he was invited; because, After two decades together and all the times spent, he will always be part of our family.  Together we watched these kids grow up, it seemed necessary to have him be there with us.  He and I even discussed carpooling but I had a schedule crunch and we ended up going separately . 

When I arrived at the event my family was split into two sections.  Essentially one long row cut in two by an aisle.  My Wasbund sat on one side with family and an open seat next to him. Then on the other side, sat my mom, dad, niece and another open seat.  When I got there I didn’t know what to do, I paused in the aisle looking right and left, and then right again. When my niece pointed to the empty seat next to her, and says, ” auntie”.  Then my mom says, ” we saved you a seat and points to the same empty seat half way down the aisle, and the farthest from my Wasbund.  Embarrassed to be standing in the aisle, near the front of the event, I wanted to make a decision fast and sit down, as I imagined 100’s of pairs of eyes on me at once.  I did as promoted and sat down next to my niece.  I had to lean all the way forward to even be able to even see my Wasbund feet.  

Midway into the graduation I was struck by a weird sensation of loneliness. I could since something was missing and I didn’t like it. I quickly realized what it was when I felt a since of joy as my niece walked to her seat, I turned to give my Wasbund one of our ” knowing looks” and he wasn’t there. I leaned forward, looking down the long row in his direction, only to find, he was leaning forward looking at me. We then exchanged the our “look at her, she’s all grown up” look.  

I texted him, “I wish we were sitting next to each other” 

He replied, ” me too” 

We maybe divorced, but we have never hated one another. I know I will always love him and I think he feels the same for me. When we were leaving I told my family that I felt awkward not sitting with my Wasbund and at the next event, I want to make sure he and I are together.  

Hairs Between Friends 

My wasbund came over today to drop something off to me. We sat and talked for awhile and then I could feel from his energy that he wanted to get going. We walked out to the front yard and I asked him, ” where are you heading off to”?

” I’m going to see Karen” he replies.  Karen is his ex-girlfriend who recently broke his heart. I looked at him carefully and said, ” be careful honey. Watch your heart”. 

” I know LoLa, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine” he answered. 

That’s when I noticed it. Being four inches shorter than my wasbund I sometimes see things that he can not.  “Honey are you going home first, before you go on this date?” I ask him. 

“Wasn’t planning on it, why?” He asks me. 

“Well you got two small bushes coming out of each nostril. It’s not that sexy.” I responded. 

“Shit!!! I just had everything trimmed when I got my haircut a few days ago!” He exclaims. 

I had to laugh really hard About that one. I don’t know how many times while we were married that I had to either ignore the tree branches extending from his nose, or tell him to go to the bathroom and do a quick prune job.  He never stayed on top of it. After I stopped laughing, I said, “yeah ok! Don’t you realize by now that you are hairy as fuck! You should be doing the pruning everyday. Now go on up to my bathroom and get my little eyebrow scissors and take care of that mess before you turn your date off!”. 

And just like when we were married,  after he left, I found little nose hairs all along my sink basin and on my little scissors; Because the more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.    

The Plan

I was talking to the wasbund the other day and he was really upset. You see he just recently was dumped like a hot potatoe by his girlfriend of six months. She literally left him for another man. My poor wasbund has been sad and depressed for weeks, but on this day he seemed particularly upset.

“What’s up babe?” I asked him sensing his melancholy seemed worse.

“She’s bringing him to the Christmas party!” He replies dryly.

“WHAT!!” I screech.

Now I need to fill you all in on the backstory here, they work together. He works for a company full time and she is a contractor who comes in maybe once a month. So they are both invited to the company Christmas party. This company has really amazing Christmas parties. (I know this, because I went to two of them when he was still my husband.)

“It’s only been like two weeks and you will be there! What is she thinking?” I continue to rant. “That is so messed up, and so very thoughtless!”

“I’m not going ” he replies sadly

“WHAT!” I scream into the phone again. “This is YOUR company Christmas party! You put up with that places bullshit for more than 40 hours a week. She should either not come, or at the very LEAST, not bring her new man to rub in your face.!”

“Exactly, which is why I’m not going. I can’t be around that. I can’t see her with another man LoLa!” He says irritated.

” Fuck that!!” I replied, ” your going to go and your gonna have your own hot date!! I’m going to get you a date! If I can’t find you a hot girl to flirt with you as your date, I will rent you one!”

He started laughing

“I don’t know why your laughing. I am serious as a fucking Heart attack. That is some messed up shit! You won’t be missing your party and we’re going to make sure she feels bad for leaving you!”

“Whatever LoLa” and he chuckled me away

The next day I contacted a friend who is beautiful and single. She is this petite sexy blonde, who weighs maybe 80lbs, and the men all love her and want to put her in their pocket. I told her about my wasbund, and the BS that his ex was pulling, and without any hesitation she said, “what time and where?”

I’m going over to her house before their date to help her pick out something sexy but classy to wear. This pho-date may not relieve any of my wasbund pain; But, It will certainly allow him to have a fun night. My friend is already planning the moves she will place on him and he is fully aware it is all for show. I’m not into tricking people or being a liar, because I believe in Karma, but sometimes you have to “use fire to fight fire”.

This is me standing up for my loved ones.

Sleeping in the Center

I knew my husband and I were not doing well at all when I heard my girlfriends complaining about the huge canyon down the center of their beds; Of course bring caused by them laying snuggled up with their men. I didn’t know what my hubby and I had going on, I knew I slept good at night. When I got home I realized that there was no canyon but rather a small hill. Being that neither of us really touched anymore. We both had “our” sides of the bed. I was so saddened by this sudden realization. The rest is a long story but in fast forward lets just say he is now my “wasband” and I got the bed in the divorce.
So, I have this huge bed all to myself. I could literally do summersaults on it. I have had quite some time to get used to sleeping alone and in such a huge bed. Yet I am still only using “my” side. Last night I actually tried laying in the center, it felt weird to me. I could feel the hump that my wasband and I made and it actually made me feel like I was sleeping on “airs”. Which is so funny considering this hill is maybe all of a half inch taller than the rest of the mattress. I am surprised I could even feel it but I guess I am just the princess and this is my pea.
I don’t know really what to think about all of this. I know I like to sleep on the hump and my new goal is to flatten it.

Ornamental or More

I believe everything happens for a reason. Everything, from the smallest little thing to the worst things imaginable. I had a woman who’s daughter was killed in a car accident give me my most challenging argument against my belief. But, still I continue to believe that everything happens for a reason.
Today I got another taste of this karmic reality when I hung all the Christmas tree ornaments I got to keep in the divorce, up on my own tree. I became a bit melancholy when I saw this old marriage memory.

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I hung this sweet old keep sake with care as I have done every year since the first year of our marriage. Even though we are no longer together I do not regret our love or the life we shared so I hung it willingly. Hours later I came into the dining room that sits just off of the living room and houses part of Christmas tree. I found my little marriage reminder laying on the floor like this.

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I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. I was sad to see it go and at the same time I thought it rather coincidental ( which I don’t believe in because I believe everything happens for a reason) that this particular ornament out of about 40 ornaments is the one to fall from grace. Odd considering it is the first year I will spend Christmas as a single woman. This ornaments tragic end came just a few months after that of the actual marriage. Isn’t that funny?
Just another day in LoLa land

I was a Sadie

At midnight tonight I will no longer be a Sadie. If you don’t know what a  “Sadie” is then you are not a Barbara Streisand fan like I am. Because anyone who loves Barbara, has seen all of her movies and would know what a Sadie is. Instead of making you sit through “Funny Girl” I will just tell you. A Sadie was the popular, beautiful girl on the block who was the first to get married.  All Barbara’s character wanted to do was to get married and like Barbara, I couldn’t wait to be a Sadie.  I was a Sadie for 4840 days.

I liked being married. I liked the feeling of security you get when you know someone else will be there for you when things get tough. My marriage was very much like this. When the going got tough for one of us, the other would step up to the plate. I would say that we were equally dependent on each other. It wasn’t always peaches and creme but we hardly ever fought with one another.  But, I’ve learned in this that sometimes it’s the silence the kills a relationships.  We do love each other, even now.  I think that comes from the years (decades) we have spent with one another.  I can’t imagine a life without him in it.

Now that I am fastly approaching “Singleville”  again and I have no desire what so ever in getting married.  It makes me wonder where that drive or desire, to be a Sadie came from? When I was young my Barbie’s ALWAYS got married (or they were getting ready to go on a date with the Ken she would eventually marry). I Loved movies like Grease and Best Little Whorehouse in Texas (can you tell I love musicals) because, I loved the endings.  The girl always rode off into the sunset (literally) with their man. Where I imagined, they got married, bought a house and had babies. I was in such a hurry to get hitched. I remember pushing my future husband and getting depressed thinking I  would never be good enough. I even put a date on my calendar and decided if he didn’t ask me before that date, I was going to leave him. Now I look at the situation and wonder WHY? Why was it SO important to get married? What really does that little piece of paper mean?  What was the rush?

Two people can love one another without being married.  They can be in a committed and supportive relationship, while living apart or together and actually NEVER get married. Do you think their love is some how less valid or honest because there is no license involved or a ceremony was never observed? I see now the stupidity in my thinking when I was younger. I see that I lost sight of what was important and that was our love for one another. I wonder if I would have walked away if he hadn’t of asked me by that magical date? If I had, would that have proven to me that it was not going to work out?

Divorce

“Their getting divorced” the people gossip in a whispered tones  
As if they were in a church where Jesus hangs on his wooden throne

They stare a little bit longer than they need too
Like their checking out the attractions at the zoo

Let us perform for you, we can make a mockery or our love
We could throw fits, hits, or just demand answers from above

Let us turn red for you and raise our voices in anger
Make you awe-struck with the idea of our impending danger

A show is all you want and excitement is all you need
It’s the addiction to the drama that you’re trying to feed

We promised to be nice, respectful and caring
Drama is not needed for a heart that’s still tearing

Just leave us alone, pay no attention to us at all
If we need any opinions, we’ll just give you a call

This divorce is not yours, we’d appreciate some tact
As we try to live by the morals you seem to lack

Binding Me

You shut the closet door
The binds were locked inside
You told me there was more in store
This was why I should stay behind

Take this blindfold off of me
Take these ties off my wrests
This is when I choose to see
The life is that I have missed

Keep me hidden if you want
Keep me locked up far away
Keep on hoping for what I’m not
Keep on pretending that I might stay

I’ve ripped out from under your hold
I’ve taken over my destiny
You hopped I would do as I was told
With your ties that encompassed me

You try to muzzle my loud mouth
You try to stop my voice
All your dreams are heading south
It was never once your choice

You can try to lock that closet again
You can try to throw away the key
You can pretend that it will never end
You can keep trying to bind me

Goodbye To My Love

I said good-bye to my love tonight
I said good-bye with a hug so tight

I will always love him I will always care
I will always worship all the things we shared

I have known him almost half my life
I was his friend, his lover and then his wife

He was all my eyes could see for so long
I thought I would die with him, I was wrong

I said goodbye to my love tonight
I tried not to hurt him with all of my might

We talked together, we argued, we cried
when we were done it felt like someone died

My chest was so waited from forgetting to breath
All my  joys were deflated, I just felt empty

I wished I could fall back in love with him
I wished  for what we used to have again

My love for him died slowly, breaking off in little bits
neither of us even noticed until I called it quits

I said goodbye to my love tonight
There was no meanness, anger or spite

He told me I was wrong, he told me we were amazing
The pain went on so long, not one bit of it escaped me

I watched him drive away and wondered where he’d go
I wished for him some  peace from all his pain and sorrow

He will always know what he means to me
He will always be apart of my family

I said goodbye to my love tonight

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