Ironic – Maui Diary #10

This is not the first time I have been to Maui. I came here several years ago with my wasbund. We were here celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. I called my first trip to Maui, our second honeymoon. It was very similar to our honeymoon in that it was an island and supposed to be the most romantic place. But, unlike our honeymoon, my wasband and I fought. We wanted different things from our vacation. He was looking to rest and get some Peace and quiet and I was looking to rekindle our love. I refuse to say anything else about that situation out of respect for him and the relationship that we have now.

It was ironic to say the least that I would be going back to Maui just two days after my divorce became official. It was a perfect time for me to have a rest and some peace (the exact thing my wasband had longed for). It could have been a very lonely and sad time for me. But, instead I have come to paradise and I am very alone; however, I am by no means lonely.

There were so many places that I have been, that he and I had gone too. I keep thinking to myself, “oh I remember when we… ” Or, “The last time I was here…”. It is bittersweet at times, I miss him. It is wonderful at times, I am glad I am alone. I trying to do new things, to make new memories. New memories to bring a smile to my face, ones that don’t include a man. One of these memories is snorkeling with my two friends Trisha and Paulo in the big waters.

Interestingly when we got there I thought that for miles the land had just been rotor-tilled because it looked all shoveled up. When I asked my friends what the heck was going on with the soil, Paulo started laughing. He said, “yah I can see why you would think that. that’s not soil, its lava.” We were driving through fields and fields of blackish brown dried up old lava. It was all very amazing to see and I wondered how there could be trees growing in the vast valley of nothingness; but there were.
When we were leaving the beach after or snorkel, I grabbed a cool piece to bring home. Trisha noticed about half way home and said, “Oh honey you need to get rid of that. It is bad luck to take the lava rocks from the island.” I am not a huge suspicious person, I walk under ladders. I have broken countless mirrors and I’ve been pretty lucky in my life. But, regardless of whether I believed Trisha or not I decided to leave the rock on the grass the first place we stopped because why tempt fate more than I already have.

The reason I tell you this story is not to warn you of Hawaiian folklore but rather in remembrance of a visit my Wasband and I made to Black Beach up on the road to Hana when we were here. Black beach was said to bring bad luck, which is why I thought I lost my Coach sunglasses there. But, now I suspect it’s the fact tha it is surrounded by lava. I brought home a hand size piece of Lava rock from that beach, that trip. Our marriage lasted less than a year after that trip, then we started having problems.

Do I think the lava rock was the culprit to the downfall of my marriage? Hell NO! Do I wonder if it contributed to our marriage breaking up? Maybe? Who knows? It is what it is, and what I learned from this trip is that I enjoy being alone. I plan on getting my hair cut as soon as I get home. (To understand this you must read Diary Entry called Auntie).

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Letting it Go! -Maui Diary #9

I was not happy with myself Saturday morning.  I was supposed to have been up an hour before I actually got up to leave for the sunrise on Haleakala.    I was rushing through the windy roads of Maui trying to get to the top of the crater before the sun rose.  I was so mad at myself because I stupidly set my clock for the wrong hour and it was the last chance (for a while)  to be able to capture the beauty of a sunrise at 10,023 feet.  I was so tense and was having a field day on myself.  I was literally berating me for doing such a stupid thing.   My Heart was racing and I was gripping the steering wheel.

Then it occurred to me that all of it was self-imposed.  I didn’t have to see the sunset up there, I just wanted too.  I could still get to the top, as soon as possible and have a beautiful morning.  Why did I have to beat myself up over a sill mistake.  It was not the end of the world.  It wasn’t anything but my desire.  I was beating myself up and ridiculing myself over a desire not possibly being accomplished.  Yet, I keep saying I will be back in Maui in February for my vacation.   I wondered if I learned anything while I had been there?  I realized how foolish I was being and how really I needed to just sit back and see the beauty around me, except what would happen and just be thankful for what I see.

It was then that I looked up to enjoy the full moon and I saw the complete arch of al Moonbow.  It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen.   I drove few more miles and when I turned  a bend on the crater, I could see the bay right before you go around a mountain to Lahaina.  It was just glowing in the moonlight, the waters looked perfectly still.  The moon was mirrored completely off of the waters opalescent surface.  It was just as breathtaking as the moonbow and I am so glad that I even noticed it.  Maybe had I still been beating myself up I wouldn’t have.  It’s like what Auntie said, “You can’t enjoy the beauty outside of you if you can’t enjoy the beauty inside of you”. It was a perfect test of my learning and hopefully one I can keep with me forever.

I know I already posted this but I did make it for sunrise, SOMEHOW and this was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I was above the clouds

The Most Perfect Sunrise – Maui Diary #8

This post is dedicated to “My Wife”,  She reminded me to make sure to see a sunrise while I was here. 

I forced myself to do something amazing for my last day in Maui.    I forced myself to see the sunrise in Maui, since I had yet to see one my entire trip.  But, because I am a overachiever I wouldn’t just settle for sunrise at the beach.  I needed to actually see it from the best view on the island,  from the highest point, Haleakala! I got up at 4am (which was an hour late) and drove like a bat out of hell to the crater.   It took me an hour to get to the top of the crater and this my dear friends is what I saw.  (I don’t need to tell you what it was like, the images speak for themselves.)  I hope you enjoy them.

The start of Sunrise

Peaking through the clouds

HEAVEN ON EARTH

Are we awake now?

The View from up high

Me enjoying it all

Auntie – Maui Diary #7

I just spent half the day with an elder on the island. A spiritual leader that so very many people here look up too. I had the pleaser of meeting Auntie about a year ago in my home town. When she came to speak with us about an ancient Hawaiian method of communication and forgiveness called “ho’oponopono” , I was in probably one of the worst places in my life at that time.
I was not sure about my place in the company, I was struggling with some inner office drama, I was preparing to divorce my husband who I had been separated from. As well as breaking things off with a man I was completely infatuated with but who thought hurting me was a fun pastime and I had no place to call home.

I was lost, I was scared, I was a mess! She worked with me and the rest of us to keep our communications with each other strong. The goal being to have a healthy happy work environment and I believe that with her guidance we were able to accomplish that.

She lives her in Maui and one of the only things on my list to do’s (besides sleeping) while being here was to see her. Today she blessed me with hours of individual time. She reminded me of so many of my life’s lessons that I had forgotten. She acknowledged the way I was then and the way I am now and how different I am. She sees the growth I have made and the growth that is yet to come. We spoke of fears since I have been thinking about it so much. She reminded me that fear comes from not knowing. She said, ” if you knew what was going to be your life in three years and where you would be, would you fear it?” All I could think was how nice that would be. To know that I’m alive, where I will be living or what my work will be, would be so relaxing. But I don’t know where I’ll be in three, ten or even thirty years and so I have to go on faith that all will be well.

She did teach me something new. She taught me that everything comes from within. How I see, react, feel or live my life all come from within myself. If you don’t see the beauty within yourself you will never see the beauty in others. If you don’t care for yourself you can never really have care for others. That life in abundance is available but first one must have balance and balance comes from within. To truly appreciate the love of someone else you must first love yourself.
Which reminded me of a conversation I had with my stepdad, who is very much my father. He said about his first divorce, “when she left me, I tried to get her back. I would have done anything to make it work. Then I read a Buddhist book about “the self ” and it made me realize that I couldn’t expect someone else to bring me my happiness. I couldn’t look for it in others. It was NOT wrapped up with her. I learned that my happiness comes from within”. He said it was then that he got to know himself better and that eventually he realized he didn’t need ANYONE but himself. She later came back to him and wanted him back and he said no. (which is good for me or he never would have met my mother or me).

It’s kind of relaxing to think that all one needs in life is themselves. Not to dismiss the love and support of family and friends. But, to rather acknowledge our own importance and self-worth. If we truly believe then it can be! But, we need to believe within our own hearts and souls and that belief starts  inside of us. I need to believe in me first.
She the told me that my sister and grandma were beside me and were proud of me and that I needed to grow my hair out about two to three inches to attract the man who is to be my soul mate. But, the hair and the man need to wait. First there needs to be me.
Thank you Auntie, I love you.

Fear – Maui Diary #6

I’ve been scared a lot this trip. I was scared to snorkel at first because I was worried about getting scratched by the coral. I was scared to just get in the car and drive because what if I got lost? I was scared to walk a particular beach alone because of a big group of male locals. Now I am scared to go swimming in deep waters to try and find dolphins, because what if there are sharks?

I live in fear a lot. What if I won’t have enough money? What if I get hurt? What if I fail? What if it all doesn’t work out? What if something goes wrong? What if….? I wonder where this fear comes from? Some say it’s learned behavior, that we get from our parents. Some say it’s part of our genetic make up and comes from our ancestors. Some say it’s learned through our life experiences.

No matter how you look at fear or where it may come from, It gets in the way of life. It’s like worrying, it’s like trying to cross a bridge before you get to it. It’s a waste of time and energy and can also be debilitating. How many of us have NOT done something because we were scared and then regretted it? I never tried out for the solo I wanted to do in my high-school choir and always regretted it. What’s that old saying, ” I regret more the things I didn’t do, then the things I did”.

We are subjected to living in fear all the time. The news is based in fear. They want you to be scared, they want you in your homes watching their show, fear sells. We can’t help ourselves, it’s like when you pass an accident on the road, do you look away or do you try to see as much wreckage as possible? Is it the drama in fear that we are attracted too?

Our abilities are limitless and are lives can be full of abundance, if we just put out in the universe what we want. All we have to do is visualize what we want, not fear the outcome or the process, and take the steps towards facilitating those wants, to make it true. Yet for the most part we visualize and think about our worries and fears. We watch in fear, scary things and worry it will happen to us.

How can we as a society break this pattern? Because if you contribute to the belief of “what you put out there is what will come to you or rather the Law of attraction”. Then society as a hole is attracting the negative. Watching true stories of pain and violence daily on the news and then sitting around fearing it may happen to you, could be bringing that negativity your way.

I didn’t scratch myself on the coral, I swam with sea turtles. I didn’t get lost, instead I saw a beautiful sunset. I didn’t get attacked at the beach, I saw a rainbow and a hot naked man. And to backtrack a bit, I found out shortly after the choir concert was over, that my instructor had envisioned my voice for that solo, all I had to do was try out and it would have been mine. So, I’m going to go deep sea snorkeling today and I may or may not see dolphins. But, I’ll bet you ten to one I’ll be glad I went.

Alone But Not Lonely-Maui Diary #5

I don’t think I have ever spent this much time alone in my entire life. I have always been surrounded my friends, family, coworkers, kids or lovers. It has been so quiet and serene these last couple of days. I have literally gone hours without saying a word, which is yet another bizarre phenomenon for me.
I thought I would be bored. I thought I might even get depressed and start to miss my loved ones. But, as it is I am joyful in my alone time. I am at peace here and I don’t worry about anything. It may be a different story altogether if I had work responsibilities to attend too or family issues looming at me. But, as it is I am here to learn to breath. To stop as my boss calls it, “turning green”.

I am the only one sitting in this restaurant by myself. I am surrounded by couples and families. And honestly most of the couples are barely speaking to one another. Most of them are looking at the art or playing on their phones. Watching this lack of interaction reminds me of married life. Reminds me of the countless meals where I was just like all these couples, with my partner, but essentially alone. It’s nice to still have a silent meal and yet not worry that my wondering eye will offend anyone. Or being concerned at all that my texting or face-booking at the table may be upsetting someone else.
I am actually free to do whatever I want to do, when I want to do it, and as long as I am not breaking the law no one is going to stop me. I have nobody else’s feelings to be concerned about. I have nobody else’s wants and desires to contend with. I am not depressed at all I am actually in a state of complete peace and happiness.
I hope this is just the beginning of many days like this. So, as I have done so many times before, I can end my post with….”just another day in my life”, and have a feeling like I do now when I do, a feeling of complete relaxation and peace.

view from my room

Kihei Visuals – Diary #4

Sun Shinny me

PEACE
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

For this post it seems to me that words will simply just not do.  I will show you how my day went instead.

Kihei above

Art in the Park

Hope

A quick swim and i’m happy

Slippery when wet or dry

I Want More

New friends – Maui Diary #3

Where Sea Turtles Live

Yesterday I went snorkeling again with my friend and as the day before, it was beautiful.  We were cruising all around looking at the little fish, trying to find shells and then my friend started to point at a big rock.  I was a bit confused as to why she was so excited about a big green rock, until it moved.  It was then that I realized the it was not a rock at all, but the top of a turtle shell;  It was an amazing sight to see! 

 The turtle was an adult, its shell was wider than me and stretched from my feet to my chest.  It’s shell was a bright green and it’s legs and head were a grayish-brown.  It’s body itself looked like a desert floor, with deep lines coursing through its rubbery skin.  It slowly swayed with the waters currents, gliding lower to the oceans floor and then back up towards the surface.  At first it didn’t notice us at all, as it floated about beneath us.  My friend who is an avid ocean swimmer and true lover of everything Hawaiian, sent respect and love to the turtle, this was when that the turtle turned and noticed us.  

My friend glided down beneath the water and slowly approached the turtle, they swam side by side until she ran out of breath.  When she came to the surface to breathe, the turtle followed her. It surfaced for a minute letting its shell feel the heat of the sun and then it swooped back down again.  This time we both followed the turtle down, swimming on either side of it.  We glided along the coral and slowly reached out to touch it.  I was surprised to find the shell was slick and slimy.  I realized then that the green on the shell was actually a covering of moss.  The turtle responded to us by swaying in the direction of our touches.  I reached for its leg and essentially held its hand (if it had one).  The webbed leg felt just as I imagined it would, slightly rubbery but hard too.   I looked in the turtles dark eyes while I swam next to it and felt a sense of wonder from it. 

While we frolicked with our new friend two more like it showed up.  One of them was a baby.  Its body was much smaller, its shell was only about a foot across and its entire body stretched from my feet to my knee.  The babies shell was spectacular.  It was streaked with colors of green, blues and pinks and was not slick to touch.  I imagine the adults shell’s are just as spectacular, but being they are covered with moss you can’t see them.  We gave the baby more room than the adults, not wanting to scare what I assumed were its parents.  Not wanting them to think that we would want to harm their baby at all. 

We played with the turtles for about 30 minutes.  My friend could hold her breath long enough to dive down with the turtles and swim under them and twirl with them before she would rise for air.  I would try to join them, but swimming beside them and lightly gliding my hand on them was all I was able to handle before my breath escaped me.  We decided after a while that we had better leave them be.  As much fun as we all seemed to be having playing with one another.  The turtles were gliding farther and farther into the ocean and the shoreline became smaller and smaller.  As we headed back in towards the land we came across another adult turtle swimming by itself.  Sadly it had large tumors all over its neck, head and legs.  It  looked like the turtle was carrying baseball size white and black rocks on its sholder.  The tumors were growing on top of one another, and surrounded either side of his head.   You could feel his loneliness and pain.  My friend and I both said a prayer for this sweet sick turtle and tried to send it love.  We swam along side it for a while reaching out to stroke it shell and it seemed thankful for the touch.  I wished I could remove the rock like tumors and lighten its load.   I wondered if the other turtles avoided this one because of its illness?  Could it be like us humans, are turtles afraid of things that are different from them?

 I will always remember my new ocean friends, swimming with them was truly a dream come true.  I will think of the turtle with the tumors and hope for a recovery for it.  I will think about the baby’s life and hope it is long and non toxic.  I worry about our underwater world.  I worry about the radiation that is coming from the Fukushima tragedy in Japan.  I hope that when I return to Maui I will see them all again, frolicking about.I am very thankful for yesterday!  I look forward to what today will bring me.

  It was Great day in my life!

Getting in the Water- Maui Diary #2

Upon being picked up from the airport I was given two options of what I could do.  I could go with my friend to a restaurant and have lunch or I could get lunch to go and then go snorkeling.  I of course being the ocean lover that I am, jumped at the idea of eating lunch at the beach.

It was so wonderful enjoying a meal while sitting on the sand, looking at the beautiful landscape that resided in front of me.   All I wanted to do was jump in and swim so badly.  We ate and lathered ourselves up with sunscreen and finally we were ready.  I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to be in such a perfect temperature water.  Where I live the ocean is a chilling 50 degrees pretty much all year round.  But, on this side of the ocean you are able to just jump on in and go! The water always feels so good to my skin;  It soothes me as it coats my body. It doesn’t matter to me if the ocean is calm or rough because I grew up with the big waves and nothing scares me more than those did.

With the snorkel mask and breathing tube on, I was able to just float around the top and enjoy the beauty that lived beneath me.  I saw so many different colors of green, brown, lavender and pinks from the corals, shells and seaweed. Little colorful fish darted all about chasing one another or scared they would respond to my huge shadow and try to hide in the seaweed.  I could have stayed out there for hours, searching for the perfect shell.  But being the albino white girl that I am we felt it would be good if I didn’t spend too much time my first day in the sun or I would be pink like a lobster for the rest of my trip.

I handled waves in my bare feet just fine. I was able to keep up with my flippered friend just fine and I wasn’t even tired when I finally got out of the water. I was able to learn more about the snorkeling equipment and dove under the water several times to get a better look at the underwater life. I will admit I took in several gulps of saltwater, forgetting to blow out before I sucked in when I came to the surface. But, I stayed calm and just treaded water through my choking and coughing of the scratchy salt water. And always when it comes to my beloved ocean no matter how vulnerable I felt at times, I wanted more of it as soon as I got out on the hot sand.

I am proud of myself for not being to intimidated to try the snorkeling without some tour guide telling me exactly where to go.  I am proud, that even though I by no means had even close to the best body on the beach, I was not humiliated to be in a swim suit and didn’t mind walking from one end to the next  in front of people.  I am proud of myself for attempting to dive down under the water’s surface even though I was worried I would screw up and swallow a gallon of water.  I am happy to announce that I am going to go back as soon as I can.

Cockroach

They scurry back and forth
Antennas leading them to where they must go
Food and warmth is what they search for
Where they can find it only they will know

They usually only come out at night
Using the darkness as their guide
Their hissing sound can cause a fright
During the day they wait and hide

Their way to long to just be annoying
They travel way to fast too
The presence of them is unnerving
I’ve already seen a few

They dart out from under the furniture
Scampering across the floor
They seem a wee bit sinister
Making you wonder if there’s more

Their two inch bodies scare me
Their little brown rats with wings
Their the pest I never want to see
Thank god they don’t bite or sting

I don’t how I’m going to sleep at night
Worried about where they may be
I just hope they remain out of sight
Please just stay away from me!

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan