It’s Fever Time

So, here it is again Fever time!!  It came on me fast and furious this year .  Everything aches.  I mean everything! Seriously, even my teeth hurt.  My jaw feels like someone punched me. My ears are clogged my throat feels like I swalled nails and I have no energy! NADA! I’m freezing one minute and laying in my own sweat the next (it’s really quite sexy).  

That fastest I have moved all day is when I fell out of my bed.  I laid on the floor for awhile before I had enough strength to climb back into bed.   At one point I had to kill a huge spider crawling over my bed on the ceiling.  I was so unsteady and exhausted just from standing up on my bed I  almost ripped the ceiling fan out trying to get the spider.  

I refuse to cry or get all emotional about being pathetically sick because then I just won’t be able to breath through my nose and as of right now I still have that function. These are the times I really miss being a part of a couple.  These are the times I wish someone would just hold me and stroke my hair.  But instead when I’m hungry, I drag my ass to the kitchen and cook myself some food. When my nose is running I am the one that locates some Kleenex. 

However, I am also all alone to do what ever I want to. If I want to eat dry wheaties and drink whisky all day while watching multiple reruns of Sex and The City no one is going to stop me. If I want to baracade the outside of my home with that yellow caution tape and not speak to another living soul for a week I can do that too.  All I know is I don’t have the energy right now to caution tape my house and I don’t have the energy to care that no one else is here to do it for me.  

Just another heated day in LoLa-Land

Alone! Alone, alone, all alone

I’ve been very alone since the new year started.  I know it’s a trend in my life because I am so often times unbelievably busy the first quarter of the year and I tend to loose sight of what’s going on with those around me.   But, I am now coming out from the death grip that work has had on me and I’m looking around and no one is here. All of my friends have partnered up with someone And they seem to be just not that available.  

Normally, in the past this feeing of being alone has frietened me into a panic stricken state of worry and wondering, “oh my god is this loneliness!  What if I become lonely? What if I remain all alone!?”  And yet this year I am not upset at all.  I realize that loneliness is a state of mind not a state of being.  I realize that I love my alone time. I love even more not having to work while I’m having my alone time. I don’t fear the length of time between visits with friends and lovers. I am just as excited to lay on my bed sideways and play solitaire as I am To go have dinner with a friend.

The only thing I tend to worry about now with regards to my being alone; is, what if I become so used to being alone I can’t at some point handle someone else in my space?  I don’t want to become one of those woman who are so set in their ways that they can’t budge just a bit to accommodate someone else. I know these are premature fears for me to have; as I have only truly been single a few years. For me to worry about such things is a futile waste of my time and harmful to this body I’m in. Why stress about something now when it may cause me stress again later?  Why not just deal with that when And if I need to?  

Just another self-perspective evening in LoLa-Land

Thankful Project 

This Thanksgiving I am once again thankful for my friends and family.  I fully acknowledge how valuable they are to my life and without them I would be so depressed and lost. Once again this year I am thankful my best friend Crystal. She was knocking on deaths door last year at this time but she is still alive and kicking (actually she’s doing great). I jumped on a plane to see her last year because I was so scared she would die. She was so thankful that I went to such lengths to see her and I still feel as I did then, that I would do if all again in a heartbeat; if she needed me. No thanks needed because I love her. B 

This year there is no need for me to worry about a loved one, thank goddess. But, I feel this need to do something nice for someone else.  Something that they don’t or would never expect.  Someone I may not even know. For example, Last night I was pulling a grocery cart from the long stream of carts and when I turned with my cart to walk into the store; I noticed the elderly woman waiting for me to move. She looked so weak and she was so small. I had to give the cart quite a pull to release it from the rest of them.  It occurred to me that act might be a tough job for her.  So, I gave her my cart. She was shocked and thanked me A few times. It cost me nothing but a few seconds and a little bit more energy.  It was just a simple act for me and yet for her it could have meant a night free from a sore shoulder or back. 

This all got me thinking that I wanted to wish a Happy Thanksgiving to you all.  I hope everyone finds at least one if not all of the following to happen to them today.  I hope you all get to spend some quality time with people you love.  I hope you all get to experience some kind of delightful meal whatever that meal is for you. I hope you all able to acknowledge something you’re thankful for in your life. Mostly, I hope you all come up with a plan to do something for someone you don’t know that they can be thankful for.  

I’m throwing down the gauntlet right now. I’m asking each of you, if you are willing to participate?  Wether it be for a day or for one month (or longer), I want you all to try and do one nice act for someone you either know of don’t know that will make them feel thankful for you.  These don’t have to be monetary things or even a physical act of any kind, it can be verbal. Just saying something to someone that will bring them a little more joy to their day is all I ask of you. Go big or go small, it doesn’t matter, just do something.

Then spread the word. Tell people you are doing the “Thankful Project” and that all you have to do is one unexpected kind thing a day for someone else and that you then you have to tell someone. That way you are owning and taking pride in your thankful act. Because no matter how small it may be you should feel good for just even trying to bring more joy to someone else. Tell me if you want to, I would love to hear your stories. It will just bring me more joy to know others are happier. 

If the people you tell about the “thankful Project” want to join tell them they can at anytime for as long as they want. It can be one day or forever.  We do not discriminate and accept all who want to do it.  I know this is not a new concept but What I am asking you all is to make it an active thought each day until it is accomplished. I am vowing to start for one month. From now until Christmas i want to do one nice thing a day for someone else. My hope is I will want to just keep it going even after the month is up.  My hope is it will spread like wild fire and start to consume us all in joy and thanks. Right now I think we can all use some. 

Ok who’s in?

Halted

I’m feeling very halted lately.  It seems all of the wind in my sail has disappeared.  The change I was planning to make in my professional life didn’t pan out. The man I was excited about meeting from my online dating site…. Didn’t pan out either. Then this weekend I clumsily missed two steps into a room and hurt my back not falling on my face. (Saved my face, wrenched my back). Since then I have been working half days and taking mass amounts of ibruprohen just to make it through what little sitting I can handle. 

I am literally halted in love, in business and in my body. I’m wondering if the universe is trying to tell me something here?  I haven’t even been in the mood to write, which is really weird. I guess I am just not sure what it all means but I’m just sort of sitting with it ( well, more like standing or laying). Essentially, I am processing this Experiance and wondering what it is I’m missing? Because, it definitely feels as though something is off or missing?  I just need to figure out what it is. 

Second To Nothing

I am about to mix things up around here
I am sick of coming in second place
There’s a shift in my life which is clear
I’m sweeping the decks and making space

There will be no more excuses about forgotten dates
That only tells me I wasn’t important enough to remember
There will be no more “sorry but I was consoling another mate”
Like this is a dating game and I’m was the runner up contender

There will be no more “sorry we went with someone else for the position”
No more staring up at the men’s shoes through the cold glass ceiling
Being Second person for the job has been beating me into submission
I am done with the hypocrisy this is business there’s no hard feelings

This is the end of the line to my quiet acceptance
I will no longer be letting hurtful things go unheard
I’m tired of my life being second to my ambivalence
I will not tollerant what I find dismissive without saying a word

I will not resign myself to being second to nothing
I will not stand in fear of what’s to come
I’m spreading my wings and flying off to find something
Up is where I’m going and second is where I’m coming from

When I’m Down

I think I am a very lucky soul
Though I am no stranger to love and pain
All of which has taken its toll
But I still look for rainbows after the rain

I have surplus of love that surrounds me
A modest but happy and healthy life
My only wish is to always remain happy
I do what I can to avoid having strife

But times are not always easy
Life can sometimes cast a large shadow
Making us scared or making us queasy
The more we endure the more we grow

I may not feel so lucky without my friends
Without them caring for me when I’m down
I never worry about if our relationship will end
When another man leaves, they are around

These are the woman that check on me when I’m hurt
They hold my hair back when I am sick
They come over with food, wine and dessert
The bring me laughter when life seems horrific

Without my friends I think I’d be a mess
Without their smiling faces to cheer me up
My friends remind me that love is limitless
Instead of half empty, I see my life as a full cup

The Line

I don’t expect anyone to listen to me
To men I’m just an attractive woman
Not everyone can take me seriously
I’m on the other side of the line from them

I pride myself on having a very quick brain
A firm line on what I think is right or fair
My stubbornness to walk my line drives some insane
Take me or leave me, I don’t really care

I won’t judge you, your choices or your line
To me it’s more about who you are now
But don’t you dare underestimate mine
Don’t assume you can cross my line somehow

We all have to do, what we have to
Sometimes we just don’t have a choice
Do we stay in line and do what we’re supposed to do
Or do we listen to the our little devilish voice

I’m not weak enough to become your prey
I have seen your type of person before
You need to walk the line or go away
You won’t be dragging me to the floor

Don’t ever try to put me in line
I don’t fallow the same path you do
We can walk together, that’s fine
But I refuse to change who I am for you

Depleted 

I’m feeling very “run down” this week.  I’m ok physically and mentally. But emotionally and spiritually I’ve seen better days.  I have found myself wanting to spend more time home alone then with loved ones because they are taking so much out of me.  

I’ve always had this great ability to be people’s sounding wall. People can vent or cry, bitch and moan to me about anything and I don’t judge, I just listen. These problems that people share with me never get me down or upset me. Some people have found this trait of mine to be a skill.  For me it’s just…. Me.  Anyway, normally hearing my friends and family complain is not an issue; but, lately I’ve just been kind of depleted by it all. 

I don’t know if this is because I myself feel like a few too many things are up in the air in my own life and I need my own guidance? Or if there are just to many loved ones calling on me and not reciprocating?  All I know is I’m feeling drained and I have started avoiding phone calls and have turned down dates and plans with my peeps.  Because quite honestly I don’t want to have to help anyone else right now. 

It’s making me a bit sad because I love to be around people. I’m an extravert for Christ sakes but lately being around people has started to exhaust me.  It really screws with my FOMO (fear of missing out) because I have been saying “no” to more things then I say yes to.

Can a person take a mental vacation while still maintaining a job and regular life? 

Just a low day in LoLa-Land 

An 8 There 3 Here 

There’s something that’s been very depressing for me during my yearly birthday trip this year.   In my drive to get the best of the best of the best, I’ve managed to make myself acutely aware of the fact that I’m not at my best.   Being at this amazing hotel, surrounded by such stores as Dior and Graff, I have also surrounded myself with the very rich people who can afford such stores.  But, this post is not  about feeing depressed about my economic status.  I’ve been all to aware of my financial ceiling for awhile now and I’ve grown accustomed to it.  No, what’s been depressing me is not the fact that, I can’t buy myself a $4000.00 dress but rather The fact that, all the people I’m   surrounded by here are beautiful!!!

They all have amazing bodies and beautiful clothes. Even when They are hardly wearing anything, instead of looking trashy they look stunning. I’m not a lesbian and yet I found myself admiring many of the woman I have seen here.  I don’t know if I want to fuck them or be them?  I’m not sure if having money makes you beautiful or if being beautiful helps you make more money? But, I know money definitely helps you stay beautiful. 

I can’t afford a personal trainer.  A weekly spray tan or manicures. I can’t afford to have a chef make all my well balanced meals to keep me in good shape.  I can’t afford the plastic surgery or Botox that some people have done.  All of these things keep you beautiful. Then you add in really well made clothing and the availability to chose from an ample selection, and you have all the people I am surrounded by.  In this hotel I’m a 3, maybe?  

My girlfriend and I walked down the strip to a nearby hotel because it has a crazy ride we wanted to go on. As soon as we walked you could tell it was probably a cheaper hotel then the one we were staying in because the decor looked dated and wasn’t nearly as impressive. The stores are more like “$10.00 everything”. But, what struck me as interesting more than the old decor, is the fact that the patrons were not so pretty.  There were fat people, ugly people, half naked people that looked like whores and a lot of bad hair and style choices.   

As I looked around I saw unattractive men checking me out and I realized, “hell in this place, I’m a 8!”  In this place there was far less perfection and far more every day normal.  I actually said to my girlfriend, “hell girl of we had stayed here I probably could have gotten laid”!  Whereas, where we stayed, the beautiful men didn’t bother even looking my direction because there was so very much more impressive Eye candy for them to focus on.  The very last thing I wanted to do was to take my cratered size 14 ass and put it in a bathing suit next to all of these size 0, 1’s and 2’s running around in thongs.  The idea of it actually horrified me. 

What’s a girl to do in this situation? Should I only stay in the crappier hotels because I will then feel better about myself? Continue to stay in nicer hotels because…. Hello; they’re nicer? Or do I suck it up and finally realize at the ripe old age of 43, that I am who I am and I have nothing to feel embarrassed by?  I guess we will just have to see what road I decide to take.

Just another awareness day in LoLa-Land

2016 Birthday Trip

It’s that time again!  It’s birthday time! Once again, I can not sit by idle, waiting for something amazing to happen to me. If I let my birthday come and go without anything special happening I get very depressed.  Like I’ve said, every year since I started this blog, “I expect a parade in my honor”.  Well every year can’t be once in a lifetime all expenses paid trips to Italy.  Or they would just be, “yeah we’re going to Italy, AGAIN” trips. 

This year I’m taking my ass to Vegas!!! I’ve never been there (well as an adult). Since  I have a goal to go somewhere new every year, I thought Vegas could be fun. I love to go on or near my birthday because it kills two birds with one stone (so to speak). I get the need to have a special birthday and visiting New place out at once. 

I don’t really know what to expect? I mean I’ve seen Vegas many times on TV but, I know enough of tv to know what you see on the screen is not what is in real life ( if you’ve ever been to Hollywood you would know this is true). I am expecting the hustle and bustle of time square and the heat of Florida. I’m expecting to love my room and I’m hoping for an amazing view.  Because I spoiled myself and upgraded multiple times to a king tower suite with a strip view. My hope is that I am not too miserable being in the desert heat.  Really I just hope that I don’t melt into a puddle of sweat on the concrete. 

We found out that the Mr. Universe completion is this weekend in Vegas. So, I’m expecting to see lots of huge big muscle men wandering around, beating their chests and flexing their thighs for anyone who asks. Should be interesting. I can’t wait. 

Just another new birthday Experiance in LoLa-Land. 

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog

Frog

2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
Wifey
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan