An 8 There 3 Here 

There’s something that’s been very depressing for me during my yearly birthday trip this year.   In my drive to get the best of the best of the best, I’ve managed to make myself acutely aware of the fact that I’m not at my best.   Being at this amazing hotel, surrounded by such stores as Dior and Graff, I have also surrounded myself with the very rich people who can afford such stores.  But, this post is not  about feeing depressed about my economic status.  I’ve been all to aware of my financial ceiling for awhile now and I’ve grown accustomed to it.  No, what’s been depressing me is not the fact that, I can’t buy myself a $4000.00 dress but rather The fact that, all the people I’m   surrounded by here are beautiful!!!

They all have amazing bodies and beautiful clothes. Even when They are hardly wearing anything, instead of looking trashy they look stunning. I’m not a lesbian and yet I found myself admiring many of the woman I have seen here.  I don’t know if I want to fuck them or be them?  I’m not sure if having money makes you beautiful or if being beautiful helps you make more money? But, I know money definitely helps you stay beautiful. 

I can’t afford a personal trainer.  A weekly spray tan or manicures. I can’t afford to have a chef make all my well balanced meals to keep me in good shape.  I can’t afford the plastic surgery or Botox that some people have done.  All of these things keep you beautiful. Then you add in really well made clothing and the availability to chose from an ample selection, and you have all the people I am surrounded by.  In this hotel I’m a 3, maybe?  

My girlfriend and I walked down the strip to a nearby hotel because it has a crazy ride we wanted to go on. As soon as we walked you could tell it was probably a cheaper hotel then the one we were staying in because the decor looked dated and wasn’t nearly as impressive. The stores are more like “$10.00 everything”. But, what struck me as interesting more than the old decor, is the fact that the patrons were not so pretty.  There were fat people, ugly people, half naked people that looked like whores and a lot of bad hair and style choices.   

As I looked around I saw unattractive men checking me out and I realized, “hell in this place, I’m a 8!”  In this place there was far less perfection and far more every day normal.  I actually said to my girlfriend, “hell girl of we had stayed here I probably could have gotten laid”!  Whereas, where we stayed, the beautiful men didn’t bother even looking my direction because there was so very much more impressive Eye candy for them to focus on.  The very last thing I wanted to do was to take my cratered size 14 ass and put it in a bathing suit next to all of these size 0, 1’s and 2’s running around in thongs.  The idea of it actually horrified me. 

What’s a girl to do in this situation? Should I only stay in the crappier hotels because I will then feel better about myself? Continue to stay in nicer hotels because…. Hello; they’re nicer? Or do I suck it up and finally realize at the ripe old age of 43, that I am who I am and I have nothing to feel embarrassed by?  I guess we will just have to see what road I decide to take.

Just another awareness day in LoLa-Land


A Big Girl

I was at a party the other night and a man who I’ve known for years and who has never been someone I would likely date came on to me. Since, I’ve never picked up any vibes from him that he’s interested in me, I’ve always assumed he felt the same as I did so I was surprised. At this particular party I looked unusually “hot” and I felt his energy shift towards me at some point. However, let me fill you in on some back story.  This poor guy had a rough night. The woman he loves was there on another date and yet she came with him and not the date. I could feel and see his anger and sadness.  I think his finally noticing me was more out of desperation and lonliness then because he really liked me. 

“You know I’ve never been with a big woman before” he said to me as he stood extreamly close to me. His lips a few inches from mine. 

“Are you serious” I asked him?  “Did you just try to flirt with me by implying that I’m a big woman”?

“Well..” He shrugged and looked me up and down.  “You are bigger than me”? Was his response. 

I laughed, “yes! Yes I am” I said to the 5’8 150 lb, 50 something year old man. “I could probably kick your ass. But man, you could have handled that pick up better.  I’m not big. I’m a woman of substance.”

“You are sexy as hell” he said to me. 

“That’s better”, was all I was thinking but I was still not interested and even more so now, because I knew he just needed companionship; He didn’t care from where and I’m not that girl. I still had to get him back for his bad come on.  

“You think I’m sexy” I asked him getting even closer. 

“Oh god yes” he responded

“Then you should see me naked.  My body is sexy as hell when I’m naked.” I teased. 

He let out a moan then puckered his lips and closed his eyes. I was laughing in my head at him.  How drunk and silly he was being. I felt sorry for him. So I leaned in the inch or so and gave him a peck on his lips and then I walked away. 

I hope the next day was better for him. I hope he and his love work their stuff out. For his hearts sake, I hope they figure it out soon. 

Just another big day in LoLa-Land

“Fat” Whore

I’ve been trying so hard for over a month now to be careful about what I eat and how much I eat. To excersize every single day no matter what and to take a protein shake to make sure I get all my Nutrients.  I had done really well for the first 4.5 weeks and was seeing a steady stresm of weight loss. I was also staring to get some muscle definition in areas I didn’t even know had muscles. 

But, then I went and stubbed my toe last week (which I talk about  in my blog post Typical). Well I woke up the next day to lift weights and I could barely walk.  So, I didn’t work out.  But I still had pizza that night. Then Saturday I still didn’t work out.  I then went on a lunch date where I had a hamburger and fries. Then that night a girlfried and I went out to the coast and had fish and chips. Sunday I was still being a lazyAss and didn’t work out AGAIN! But treated myself to even more “Fat” gluttony and had a burrito. 

I was thinking about it as I was consuming all of these highly fattening meals. I was feeing like a crack whore looking for some crack no matter what!  But, instead I was being a “Fat” whore. I wanted to get ice cream Sunday night but my Date wouldn’t let me.  And thank god he didn’t because I would have been so sick. It was like my body was going through “Fat” withdrawals and needed me to just go get all the fat I could and bring it into my system. 

I wonder why I am such a “Fat” whore? Why did I have to eat ALL of those fattening foods. Why didn’t I just stick to one piece of pizza instead of four? Or get broiled fish instead of breaded and fried?  Why bother being so good to my body and then be so horrible? And for heavens sake I wasn’t even on vacation! Sad thing is I didn’t even think the burrito or fish and chips were that good. why did I eat it all up then? 

The good news is that on Monday I got off my lazy ass and started working out again.  And I’ve been avoiding the “fats” at all cost. (Including the doughnuts chocolate flourless cake and candy we have at work curently). I just need to figure out how I can have both. A sweet butt and a sweet tooth.  I need to learn, “everything in moderation”? But How do I learn a new habit which doesn’t include over eating?  OY!

Just another self-abuse Day in LoLa-Land

Diet To The Death

I think the work out routine that was given to me to do today was actually meant to kill me!  I’m not kidding! I think these work out people who make videos and start these diet plans actually want someone to drop dead so they can get the publicity.  They say they’re just trying to help you focus on healthy eating and getting you back in shape. I say, “it’s all BULLSHIT”!  Again, I think it’s all a ploy.

Now, I want to make sure your prepared for what I suspect is going on. Their underhandedness will soon be exposed. I think (because I have no proof and really I am full of shit! But, it’s how I feel, so work with me), that these so called “diet plans” introduce four key ingrediants into your life to just to destroy you. All desecration to oneself will be done by you and it will be done right before your eyes just cloaked under the disguise of “support”.

step 1 -” lets see how long it would take to starve the fatties”. This is their first action. They wil proceed to give you little colored boxes that you couldn’t hold your keys in, and say, “eat only the food that fits in these”!  Or they give you premade food in really, really small serving sizes. “But don’t worry!” They say, “if you feel hungry you can always have more veggies!” (Awww fuck off with your veggies. What little colored box does my wine go in?)

Step 2- “if we poison them, it will help kill them faster” They will tell you that you need to buy their premade foods where they have done all the work for you. Or they demand that you have to have their speciallty blended shakes to make sure you get all your nutrients for you.  (That’s what they say! ). What they aren’t saying is “we watched sixth sense a lot and we have put chemicals in your soup!”  I bet if you stopped eating their tainted products for one day and ate what you wanted, you would feel so much better. (Because your old food choices are tasty and chalked full of yummy fats and preservatives.)

Step 3- “We will set them up with a drill sergeant”.  They will be nice and call them coaches or trainers but what they really are, are highly trained professionals that know how to get the results they need from you by using Jedi mind tricks on you.  They’re evil wrapped in a perfect physics of ripped muscles and high fiber. Made  to look beautiful so that they can allure you in with hopes of some how achieving the same mastery in your appearance. Which will likely never happen because they are using the “dark side” (and plastic surgery), but you will kill yourselves trying!

Step 4- “Let’s  take all of their Money and run”.  I think the diet industries ploy is to kill you off so that they can take all your money? How long would it take after you have died for these diet plans to stop charging your credit card or directly pulling your monthly dues straight from your bank account? It’s because they really don’t want you to survive. It’s a lot harder to cancel your membership when you are dead! I’m sure they require a cancellation letter, in triplicate, signed by your second grade teacher to get out of the contract and by then not only will you be dead but broke and dead.

It’s just a friendly note to remind you all to stay safe! Don’t fall for the diet regime your better off just being fat!


This Stories Played Out

At first telling people the true story of how I got my concussion was funny and I love being funny. I mean who can say they got a concussion by having a date slam their head into a wood beam above them, when they were being lifted really high for a great big romantic kiss?  That’s kind of odd right? It takes the cake in my book. But, what I’m tired of, are people’s two regular responses. 

One of the regular response is a physical and a verbal response that Come  together every time. I tell the person the story and they look me up and down (wether it be obvious and slow or quick and just with their eyes) and say, “wow! He must be really strong!”

“Yes. Yes he is” I respond. It’s true he is and I try not to take offense to their comment. But I’m a very logical woman and I skip towards the obvious assumption that after one looks at me they assume a man who can lift me must be strong; there by making the argument that I am a heavy woman, true. (No matter how true the statement may be, it’s still dims a bit of spirit).

Second response to my concussion story, changes a bit each time but always fallows the same theme.  They go something like this, “well this will be a good story for your grandkids” (can’t have kids and he’s not the one if I could but thanks for reminding me what I don’t have). 

Or “at least you have strong arms holding you at night” (I sleep alone most nights but thanks for reminding me I’ve been dealing with this scary fucked up situation alone!) 

Or “sounds like love!” (Really because to me it’s sounded like a big THUD and then just ‘cha Ching – CHA Ching’ as all my income stopped and dr. bills Came in). 

Don’t get me wrong, I know people don’t mean to upset me. Just like SF didn’t mean to hurt me; but, I did get hurt and I am upset. I’ve seen 6 different doctors, 10 nurses and 5 clients. I have had to tell all of them, including my bosses, my family, friends, Facebook and some strangers about what happened because, “How did that happen” is the obvious question after hearing, “I have a concussion”. 

I’m just sort of done over here in LoLa-Land. 

Sexy at a 16

I was so happy to see a size 16 woman on the cover of sports illustrated. The woman is a stunner and does the cover justice. All I can think is, “it’s about fucking time”.  I am a size 16 at times. some times I am even a smaller size.  And yet, so many people refer to me as fat or heavy. 

I personally feel (which of course this is just my opinion; but, it’s my blog, so your forced to it) that woman with curves are far  more attractive then stick figures.  

The average American woman, is a size 16, not a size 0. Yet, a size zero is what all the other models are. Since birth we have been subjected to advertisements and TV telling us that a size 0 is beautiful and perfect. Which as you can imagine, translates to a size 16 being way to big. I’ve seen my own sister (who was a model) practically starve herself because the talent scouts told her she was to fat, at a size 1. I thought she was so beautiful.   

My sister

She was always so hard on herself because of “the industries” expectations of what she was supposed to look like. Being far younger then her in age, I didn’t understand why she wasn’t perfect just the way she was (the way I saw her), but now I understand. 
Woman have  been made to feel like we should be smaller our entire lives (unless we’re one of those rare birds that are just naturally thin). So to, finally  have someone to look at on magazines, that actually looks a bit like us, someone with curves and some weight on her, is almost like a small miracle. 

I know bigger woman are not every persons idea mate, but I think a few more people (let’s be honest, men) might be a tad bit more open to giving us,  bigger framed woman a chance.  Maybe, after seeing how hot this woman looks, you never know.  

Funny thing is, I had just posted this picture on Facebook a few weeks back. 

  And interestingly enough, she is the same woman who is on the SI cover. I had no idea who she was.  I just knew, that this was one of the sexiest pictures I’ve seen in awhile and I loved the quote. So, to now see her on the SI cover feels like a blessing. It feels good to see someone who’s body is like mine, being promoted as beautiful and sexy.  Sadly, it does helps with my self esteem. (Sad beside I should just know I’m beautiful without having to see an image on a magazine). 

Thank you Sports Illustrated for being able to spot beauty in any size! 


An old lover and I went shopping this weekend for him to get some new clothes. He is always wearing really baggy clothes and I must say I found myself attracted to him once again, when he came out of the dressing room with a form fitting shirt on.  We tried to get him jeans but forever 21 sizes stop just before his size. Disappointed he turned to me and said “I must be 22?” ( he always makes me laugh). 

We headed off to express where we asked the clerk what sizes they had. She looked at me and said ” we have up to a 12 in stores and 18 online”. I thanked her and said, ” I actually meant for men?”  After we found out they had his size so, we had him try on a few pairs of jeans.   While waiting, I saw a dress on the manikin that I loved. Now I already knew my size is bigger than their largest size in the store, but I thought ” with the hell, I’ll just try it.”  I looked for the dress and only found mediums but the manikin had a large on. I asked the clerk if I could try on the manikins dress and she said “no problem whatsoever” and quickly removed it for me. 

Now, I was a little on edge making the clerk take the dress down and bring it to me, because there have been many years in my life where I could never even have dreampt of fitting into any of the clothes in Express or any other main stores in the mall. I would walk by and think “everything is so cute I wish I could wear those things” and then I would get depressed and walk into the fat store where I belonged. I guess on some core level I still think of myself as fat.  Some little voice insde of me said ” your gonna rip that dress just putting it over your big head!”

Once in the dressing room I took a big breath and slipped the dress over my head. Only to find that It didn’t fit, it was too baggy on me. I liked the length, which was right above my knee. But it wasn’t doing much for my body. I asked my friend what he thought and he said “it’s OK”. So then I went and got the medium, crazy as that seemed to me. I thought, “what the hell, why not”.  The medium seemed too tight.  I wasn’t sure, I thought it was a bit too short, so I asked My old lover what he thought. I can’t remember what he said besides, “get that one!” But I do believe he was drooling. 

I am in complete amazement that I fit into a medium. The damn thing must be missized. I think the store has their size chart screwed up? I don’t know? but I plunked down way more money than I normally do for that dress and I hope it’s not just because it’s a medium. I also hope it’s not  because of his response. I hope I threw caution to the wind because I LOVE it, but who knows, maybe it’s all three. 

Just Getting Skinnier in LoLa-Land


So Much More Than Juicy

I was texting with the sexy fireman today, As he hung out in his firehouse 2+ hours away. He started our conversation with “how are you Ms Juicy ass”? Because he is very happy with my larger than normal backside. I had to laugh that he keeps calling me ” juicy ass” because I have never actually owned a pair of anything with the word JUICY on the butt.
I told the sexy fireman my joke about this. I said, “They don’t make the juicy pants in my size, because the fact that my ass is juicy is obvious, I don’t need to advertise.”
He said, LMAO

This got us started on this hysterical rant. I said, the butt to my pants should say, “I GOT THIS”
He replies, or “do I need to say it?”
I added, “IT JUST IS”
He laughed and said, “you already know!”
I was cracking up. I put, ” ___________ ”
“Enough said!”
He was sending LoL’s and I had to go there, so as usual I said it.
Lastly, ” dude where’s my car?”
We were both dying laughing. It was so wonderful to laugh to tears, it’s been awhile. I loved the “tit for tat” that I was having with him. It’s also nice that he really, really likes my ass. Bonus!

Honesty or stupidity

I was recently asked out by a man via email. The only picture he had seen of me was from LinkedIn and that was how he contacted me.
He said, ” hi LoLa would you ever want to go to the wince country with me?”

His LinkedIn message came with a photo of him but it was hard to see. I My response was, “I would be willing to go to the wine country with you if I could get to know you better first”. So, we start emailing and I quickly realize that I am asking him all the questions and he is asking me nothing. Then when I ask him what he wanted to do in the wine country? He suddenly said he didn’t know and I should plan something. (Really?)

Then, the man wants me to email him more pictures of myself, his excuse being, “if and when we go out I can recognize you.” I kept ignoring the request for more photos because I already was finding myself bored. Finally I said to him, “why do you want another picture so bad? Are you worried I’m a dog?”
He replied “LoLa, I just wanted to make sure you are not overweighted (that’s something which pushes me back in a date), so just wanted to avoid such a bad experience.”
Well if you have been a subscriber for awhile you know this did not go over well at all.
After several hours, I sent him this response.
” I’m sorry for the tardiness of my response but it needed some thought. I appreciate your honesty for two reasons. 1- I hate when people lie. I would rather know the truth then to find out later. 2- because you have allowed me the opportunity to realize how very little interest I have in meeting you.

To eliminate any potential female partners based on their weight is extremely narrow minded because I know a lot of us ( yes I said us, as I am overweight) who are smarter, funnier and more down to earth then a lot of slender woman who have been able to get away with just their good looks, their entire lives. I have not always been able to bat my eyelashes to get out of a situation or into one.

See, by your question alone, you have dismissed any promise of any date with me. I would never be comfortable with you, knowing you were repelled by the sight of me. So, you will never know how smart, extremely witty and fun I am. Due to your bigotry, you would never appreciate my hourglass figure or the fact that despite my weight I am extremely healthy and active, Because all you would see is fat?

But, again I’m happy for your candor and honesty. I admit that took some balls or you are just extremely stupid? But, another truth about me, is that I don’t go out with narrow minded bigots. So, regarding your first question, I think I’ll pass on that date.

I may have gone a little overboard with my response but I’m pretty disgusted by this guys view point. I am so glad I have a filtering process because i would probably have ended up wanting to have a friend call me with a fake emergency, so I could leave early, if we had gone out.

I wonder was this guy really honest or really stupid? Because it’s obvious to me he is narrow minded and since one of my favorite expressions is, “minds are like parachutes, they only work when they are open”, I’m thinking “please don’t ever email me again”.

Big Boob Issues

My friend recently sent me a list of 12 bad things you deal with when you have big boobs. She felt I would be able to relate. The list consisted of these:
1- Big boobs suck because you may have stains you can’t see under your boob so you have no idea it’s there. (I don’t usually deal with this. I pretty much always have a stain on my clothes)
2- It sucks when you are at  a bar and how the bar counter will be right at boob level, so the only comfortable thing to do is to just lay those suckers on the bar. (I will admit I have done this. I can’t lie; I am embarrassed to admit it.)
3- How about being on a plane with turbulence and have them shaking all over. (Ok this happens to me all the time and I kind of like it. Hee hee I find it kind of a turn on. LoL)
4- It’s always a possibility someone will ask you if they can Motorboat you. (This really only happens with drunk young men which I have a normal response to. “Honey you would drown”, nobody else is that stupid.)
5. 6, & 7- seat belts, purse straps and suspenders- Do they go in between our boobs (that looks stupid), around the outsides (just pushes them together) or over the top of your boobs ( which make the straps seem huge).
8- Doing the dishes is never a dry experience. (That’s all that needs to be said)
9- objects are never safe if placed in front of large breasts. They had an example of a woman knocking over a glass of water with her boob. (I have actually accidentally started a copier with my breast before.)
10- How about ruffled shirts, they just make your boobs look even BIGGER! (Uh hu)
11- buying tank tops with built in bras. LMAO (like that could ever be enough support!)
12- Stairs and going down them quickly. (Honestly the idea of this makes me wince like when a man imagines getting hit in the balls).

The post made me laugh but also got me to thinking. There are still so very many other things that drive me crazy about having larger boobs. (Don’t get me wrong I am thankful for them but this is fun so, I’m going to keep going.)

I would like to add these:
13- Why just planes? Let’s add roller coasters and any activity regarding four wheels and off roading and even worse water sports, with only a bathing suit on. My chest always hurts when I get home, from all the jumping around.
14- What about the sweat. You can all pretend it doesn’t exist but I hate boob sweat. Yet wearing a bra all day and night is not my idea of fun, especially when the underwire starts to dig into my armpit.   So yah, I buy the tank tops with built in bras to lounge in, and yet they are never big enough in the boob area. So the elastic band shoots horizontally over the center of my tits and feels like I’m trying to cut them in half after an hour of wearing it.
15-My favorite one is when pregnant woman complain that they gained so much weight they can’t see their feet anymore because of their stomach. All I’m thinking is “honey I haven’t been able to see my feet since 10th grade. It’s always scary to just bend over to see what shoes you have on, because you never know if the weight of the ta-ta’s will allow you to get back up again”

Previous Older Entries

Coloring Project – The Frog


2010 Summer Reading List

Sookie Stackhouse, the complete stories A touch of Dead
Finger Prints & Facelifts
His First Wife, Gracce Octavia
The promise of happiness, Justin Cratwright
Silk & Shadows
The Honey Thief
The marriage
Ya ya Sisterhood book # 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Wishful Drinking, Carrie Fisher
3 book flower series by Nora Roberts
The Kept woman
Twlight book # 4
twlight book #3

Coloring Project – The Swan